39

I turned 39 yesterday.  Every time I make it through another year, I feel grateful.  As I have mentioned in past blogs, I could have easily been a statistic. I am not sure how I made it this far in life, knowing how strong the urge was to end my life at times over the last twenty years.  I am thankful to those people in my life that have helped me get to this point.

I did have a great birthday. I worked early in the morning for a few hours doing some salting at the schools.  It was one of my easier shifts and it went smoothly.  I went back to bed for a bit and then had a massage with Angie.  Angie is great to talk to and I felt very relaxed afterwards.  I had a chance to have lunch with my parents which was nice.  It has been stressful for everyone with all the house stuff, so it was nice just to sit down and talk about other things.  I had physio with Anne in the afternoon for my bicep.  Anne is very good at what she does and we ended up having a really good discussion during the appointment.  Jodi made me a wonderful pasta dinner and my sister dropped off a pie for me which was quite tasty.  All and all, it was a good day.

Yesterday was my birthday but, we also got some news about our adopted grandmother, June.  She was not doing well and actually stopped breathing briefly.  She is 93 years old and has not been doing too well the last few weeks.  I visited with her last night and held her hand for a while.  She would squeeze it periodically.  She seemed peaceful in her sleep. She is doing a bit better today and my dad is visiting with her.  He said she woke up briefly and said what a beautiful day it was. June has been in our family for a long time.  She used to live with my Granny and I still remember visiting them in Toronto.  She has lived in Fergus for at least the last ten years.  She is a kind and generous person.  I always enjoyed hearing her various stories, especially the one about her trip to Barbados.  It will be sad when this chapter ends for her.  My hope is that she passes gently in her sleep.  She has had a wonderful life and has been a big part of our family.  I will miss her when the time comes but, know she will be in a better place.

I have been pretty busy with work the last two or three weeks.  I have been able to get some good hours in which will be nice for my pay day tomorrow.  I have started to get used to the routes and salting/plowing.  I am definitely not as efficient as the guys I work with as they have been doing it for the last five years of so.  It is getting easier for me though.  I would not do it again next year.  I do like it but, it is not worth the risk mentally for me.  The hours are so erratic in terms of what time we go out during the day/night.  I have not been able to take my medications at the same time every day which I have managed well thus far.  There is no way I would have been able to handle a job like this five years a go.  It is only because my mind has become so much stronger, that I still have been able to cope mentally with the irregularities in my daily routines.  I committed for the season and will probably work up until Jodi and I leave for Florida on her March break.  My plan is to relax for the last few weeks of March and then head in to another landscaping season.

I am very excited about this spring.  I have basically made the decision to go back to work for the same company I have been with for the last four years.  It is probably the earliest I have made this decision and has also been the easiest decision for me compared to years gone by.  I have no fear or anxiety moving towards spring and am looking forward to working with my boss, Devin and Christine again.  There is familiarity there and it makes me feel very comfortable in my decision.  I already know the pros and cons and have proven to myself on numerous occasions that I can push through any situation.  I love the fact that I get to do a variety of things and I love working with our customers on a weekly basis. Other opportunities have presented themselves to me but, I know this the right thing for both me mentally and for our family.

The Bell Let's Talk Day is actually in January this year,  on the 28th.  I have followed this initiative since its inception and am so proud of the fact that we have something like this in Canada that raises awareness around mental health.  If you live in Canada and are a Bell customer,  every text message or long distance call made on that day raises five cents for mental health initiatives.  You can also tweet using the hash tag BellLet'sTalk to raise funds.

Off to the bank to talk mortgage.  Can't believe we are so close to buying our first house.

Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
― Paulo Coelho