Good Day

Today was a better day.  We got some snow last night so I started the day by doing some shoveling and was able to get the garbage out before the truck swung by.  I forced myself to go to the gym and had a great work out.  I ran for longer than normal today and it felt good to work up a bit of a sweat. I caught up on some Tim and Sid this afternoon and did some dishes.  So I kept myself busy which distracted my mind from the way I have been feeling.

This week, I have forced myself to the gym.  I had taken some days off because I was simply not motivated to do much of anything.  I always  feel better once I go and need to continue to push myself.  I try to go in the morning so that I have the afternoon at home.  I usually watch Tim and Sid on Sportsnet590 from 1-4.  I have followed them from their days on The Score and love they way they do sports talk radio/tv.  I could be feeling really down but, have my mood pick up simply by watching their show.

The temperature is supposed to reach 0 degrees next week at some point which is awesome.  It has been pretty cold of late and there has not been a break in the deep freeze.  We have had a pretty tame winter compared to those out east as they have been continually hammered by mother nature.  I am sure spring will be welcome by all and I am really looking forward to seeing things start to sprout of the ground.

Although my confidence in myself has been shaken a bit lately,  I know getting back to work will be a really good thing for me.  I am sure the first week will take some adjusting but, it will be great to work with my hands again.  Manual labor can be draining at times but, the feeling you get putting in a hard days work and working with your hands is amazing.  And I know I am good at what I do regardless of how I have been feeling.  Just have to remind myself of that.

My mind is a bit more peaceful today.  I have had some really messed up thoughts of late and it has been challenging filtering them out of my head.  I had a restful sleep last night and hopefully will build on the positive day I had today.  I just need to remember that they are just thoughts and I do not have to pay them the attention if I choose not to.  Just a difficult process sometimes.  My mood is much more stable today.

Looking forward to watching some college hoops tonight.  Take care,  Shawn.

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!”
― Mark Twain

Struggling

I have not written in a while.  I just have not had the desire to as my mood has been very low of late.  I should force myself to write during low periods as it always lifts my spirits a little when I write.

I have been struggling of late.  As I mentioned, my mood has been very low.  I have had trouble motivating myself.  My thoughts have been racing a lot and I have been finding it difficult to channel thoughts in a positive way.  I have been doing a lot of negative self talk, making it challenging to find positives about myself.  I have had some passing suicidal thoughts as well which is not a pleasant thing to deal with.

Spring cannot come soon enough for me but, I have even been doubting my ability to push through another season.  I know I can and will but, doubt has crept in as this winter has not gone exactly as planned.  I was unable to succeed at the plowing/salting as it was difficult to navigate the erratic hours for me mentally.  That has been hard on me as I have had so much success over the last four years.  I do not like failing at something and letting others down.  I need to let that go though as it will not benefit me in any way to dwell on it.

I guess sometimes I just get frustrated.  I get tired of living with bi polar.  Living through the same challenges every year.  I get tired of living with addictions.  Missing out on a lot of events with friends as they are not healthy choices for me. I miss just being one of the guys at times but, I understand that it is the way it has to be for me to remain balanced.  I get tired of the battle going on inside my mind.  It can be exhausting to filter through the various thoughts and attempt to channel them in a positive way.  I get tired of the tears flowing from my eyes because of the deep emotions I feel inside.  I am still not sure how I made it to 39 and it seems to be a daunting task to make it through another 39.  Just have to take it one day at a time I guess and fight for joy.

I know things will get better mentally eventually.  Winter is always a tough time for most people. I am hoping that once spring rolls around and I am in a routine again,  my mind will slow down and my moods will level out.  Just wanted to share how I've been feeling.  Important to share the struggles along with the successes.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

Supreme Court Ruling: Assisted Death

OTTAWA -- The Supreme Court of Canada has unanimously struck down the ban on providing a doctor-assisted death to mentally competent but suffering and "irremediable" patients.
The historic, groundbreaking decision from the country's top court sweeps away the existing law and gives Parliament a year to draft new legislation that recognizes the right of clearly consenting adults who are enduring intolerable suffering -- physical or mental -- to seek medical help ending their lives.

The judgment, which is unsigned to reflect the unanimous institutional weight of the court, says the current ban infringes on all three of the life, liberty and security of person provisions in Section 7 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

It does not limit physician-assisted death to those suffering a terminal illness.
"For seriously and incurably ill Canadians, the brave people who worked side by side with us for so many years on this case -- this decision will mean everything to them," said a visibly overjoyed Grace Pastine, the litigation director for the B.C. Civil Liberties Association.

The court clearly instructs parliamentarians that current laws "unjustifiably infringe (Section 7) of the charter and are of no force or effect to the extent that they prohibit physician-assisted death for a competent adult person who (1) clearly consents to the termination of life and (2) has a grievous and irremediable medical condition (including an illness, disease or disability) that causes enduring suffering that is intolerable to the individual in the circumstances of his or her condition."

The pressure will now be on Parliament to act in an election year, as the court says no exemptions may be granted for those seeking to end their lives during the 12-month suspension of the judgment.

Friday's decision was spurred by the families of two now-deceased British Columbia women, supported by Pastine's organization.

Gloria Taylor, who had a neurodegenerative disease, eventually died of an infection. Kay Carter, then 89, travelled to Switzerland, where assisted suicide is allowed.

Taylor had won a constitutional exemption at a lower court for a medically assisted death in 2012, but that decision was overturned in subsequent appeals.

"Justice, dignity and compassion were the defining qualities of my mother," Lee Carter told a crush of reporters after the decision came down.

"We just felt that it was a fundamental right for Canadians that they should have this choice."

She called it "a huge victory for Canadians and a legacy for Kay."

Hollis Johnson, Kay Carter's son-in-law, called her "a vibrant and intelligent woman" who "dreamed of legal change for all Canadians, because she believed the laws forced people like her to suffer needlessly at the end of their lives."

The Supreme Court gave a ringing endorsement of the original B.C. trial judge's findings, albeit not for a constitutional exemption.

The decision reverses the top court's 1993 ruling in the case of Sue Rodriguez, a fact the decision attributes to changing jurisprudence and an altered social landscape.

Two decades ago, the court was concerned that vulnerable persons could not be properly protected under physician-assisted suicide, even though courts recognized the existing law infringed a person's rights.

But the experience of existing jurisdictions that permit doctor-assisted suicide compelled the courts to examine the record.

The B.C. trial judge "found no compelling evidence that a permissive regime in Canada would result in a 'practical slippery slope,"' wrote the top court.

"An individual's response to a grievous and irremediable medical condition is a matter critical to their dignity and autonomy," the judgment says.

"The law allows people in this situation to request palliative sedation, refuse artificial nutrition and hydration, or request the removal of life-sustaining medical equipment, but denies the right to request a physician's assistance in dying."

The ruling goes on to state that "by leaving people like Ms. Taylor to endure intolerable suffering, it impinges on their security of person."

The nine Supreme Court justices also note that when their court struck down the country's prostitution laws in 2013, it recognized that the legal conception of "gross disproportionality" has changed since the Rodriguez decision.

"By contrast, the law on overbreadth, now explicitly recognized as a principle of fundamental justice, asks whether the law interferes with some conduct that has no connection to the law's objectives," says the judgment.

"The blanket prohibition (on physician-assisted death) sweeps conduct into its ambit that is unrelated to the law's objective."

The court agreed with the trial judge "that a permissive regime with properly designed and administered safeguards was capable of protecting vulnerable people from abuse and error. While there are risks, to be sure, a carefully designed and managed system is capable of adequately addressing them."

Bruce Cheadle, The Canadian Press
Published Friday, February 6, 2015 7:00AM EST
Last Updated Friday, February 6, 2015 11:36AM EST 

 

 

I was so pleased when I turned on the news at lunch and heard about the Supreme Court Ruling today.  I think the law that has made assisted death illegal in our country is archaic.  I completely agree with their decision that it goes against the charter of rights.  Individuals that are terminally ill should have the right to end their life peacefully if that is their choice.  It is their life and they should be able to make that decision.  There has been other attempts by terminally ill patients to challenge this law but, they were in vain.  Many of those who tried to fight the law are now deceased.  I am sure their families would agree with the ruling today wholeheartedly.  I do not understand the insistence of letting people suffer for months or even years before they pass on.  I truly believe that if an individual is terminally ill and are going through immeasurable suffering, they should be able to pass on with dignity with the help of a physician.

 

I am feeling good today.  My mind has settled down and my mood has stabilized.  Was a tough few days but, I am definitely feeling more positive.  I have been to the gym for the last three days and it has certainly helped my general wellness.  I have already lost two pounds and have a goal I am working towards before I go back to work.  My gym has moved and I love the new location.  It feels like a gym that Rocky would train in.  I am not going to be chugging any eggs in the near future but, it does help motivate me to get my ass in gear.

 

Hope you have a great weekend.  Take care,  Shawn. 

“None but ourselves can free our minds.”
― Bob Marley

Feeling Much Better

Yesterday was a better day.  I was feeling more like myself and a little more positive about things.  I have had really good sleeps the last few nights which has really helped.  I feel rested.

I cannot beat myself up for deciding not to plow or salt anymore.  I made a decision based on my overall wellness and that is the most important thing.  I may have let some people down in the process but, I cannot worry about that.  I tried something out and realized it was not for me.  I definitely gained a greater respect for guys who plow and salt year after year.  It takes a certain kind of person to be able to handle the rigors of working at making roads and parking lots safe overnight while the rest of us sleep.  I know now that I cannot work overnight in any capacity.  It just not fit with my medications and is not worth the risk to my mental state.  I have come too far and want to progress, not regress.

I had a chance to go to the Landscape Ontario meeting with my boss.  It was nice to catch up with him and get out of the house for a bit.  The speaker was a good one and I enjoyed listening to him.

I did make my first trip to the gym in quite some time yesterday.  It felt great to push some weight around and run on the treadmill for a bit.  I am going to make it part of my daily routine and know it will benefit both my body and mind.  I have put on more weight this winter than normal so I have my work cut out for me.  I will start dropping weight fairly quickly if I stick with it.

I may play some hoops tonight.  Dave asked me if I would be available.  Basketball was a big part of my life when I was younger so it will be good to shoot around a bit.  I know I will be a little rusty but, it should be fun.

The fact that we own our own house now has finally sunk in and it feels awesome.  I could not fully appreciate it as my mood has fluctuated so much over the last week.  Jodi and I worked really hard to get to this point and I am proud we were finally able to do it.

Does not feel like it right now but, spring is not too far a way.  I cannot wait to get going and see our customers again.  Last season was a tough one but, I have a feeling this year will be great.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

Down

I have some expletives for how I have been feeling lately but, I will spare you of those.  I have been up and down for the last week.  In and out of the downzies.  I have felt like a failure a bit and have been wrapped up in negative emotions and have had some brief encounters with suicidal thoughts.

I am no longer plowing or salting.  It did not work out the way I expected it to.  Other than Sunday night, the winter has been really slow.  I have made very little money and it has been frustrating.  The bigger issue for me has been trying to adjust to the varying hours.  We go out overnight quite often and I was having quite a difficult time with that.  I usually take my risperidone at night and could not take it before I went out salting/powing as it helps me sleep.  Sleep is so important for me and it definitely was affected.  I feel as though I let the guys I worked for down.  They were a good group of guys and I did enjoy aspects of working there.  Probably part of the reason I have felt like a failure, letting others down.  I do not like giving up on things but, I just felt it was the best thing to do for me mentally.  I need to look at it is a learning experience and not beat myself up for moving on.

If history has proven anything to me,  this little funk I am in will pass eventually.  I know I am not a failure or a loser but, that is how I have been feeling lately.   I need to remind myself of positive aspects of my life.  I am taking a step to improve my mental state today by getting a gym membership.  If I can motivate myself to start going regularly, I know the benefits mentally will start to show.  Sometimes when I am in a bad head space, I need to force myself to do things I do not necessarily feel like doing.  Sitting around getting pissed off at myself has never accomplished anything.

As my dad tells me all the time, "This Too Shall Pass".

Take care,  Shawn.