Struggling

I have not written in a while.  I just have not had the desire to as my mood has been very low of late.  I should force myself to write during low periods as it always lifts my spirits a little when I write.

I have been struggling of late.  As I mentioned, my mood has been very low.  I have had trouble motivating myself.  My thoughts have been racing a lot and I have been finding it difficult to channel thoughts in a positive way.  I have been doing a lot of negative self talk, making it challenging to find positives about myself.  I have had some passing suicidal thoughts as well which is not a pleasant thing to deal with.

Spring cannot come soon enough for me but, I have even been doubting my ability to push through another season.  I know I can and will but, doubt has crept in as this winter has not gone exactly as planned.  I was unable to succeed at the plowing/salting as it was difficult to navigate the erratic hours for me mentally.  That has been hard on me as I have had so much success over the last four years.  I do not like failing at something and letting others down.  I need to let that go though as it will not benefit me in any way to dwell on it.

I guess sometimes I just get frustrated.  I get tired of living with bi polar.  Living through the same challenges every year.  I get tired of living with addictions.  Missing out on a lot of events with friends as they are not healthy choices for me. I miss just being one of the guys at times but, I understand that it is the way it has to be for me to remain balanced.  I get tired of the battle going on inside my mind.  It can be exhausting to filter through the various thoughts and attempt to channel them in a positive way.  I get tired of the tears flowing from my eyes because of the deep emotions I feel inside.  I am still not sure how I made it to 39 and it seems to be a daunting task to make it through another 39.  Just have to take it one day at a time I guess and fight for joy.

I know things will get better mentally eventually.  Winter is always a tough time for most people. I am hoping that once spring rolls around and I am in a routine again,  my mind will slow down and my moods will level out.  Just wanted to share how I've been feeling.  Important to share the struggles along with the successes.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.