Down

I have some expletives for how I have been feeling lately but, I will spare you of those.  I have been up and down for the last week.  In and out of the downzies.  I have felt like a failure a bit and have been wrapped up in negative emotions and have had some brief encounters with suicidal thoughts.

I am no longer plowing or salting.  It did not work out the way I expected it to.  Other than Sunday night, the winter has been really slow.  I have made very little money and it has been frustrating.  The bigger issue for me has been trying to adjust to the varying hours.  We go out overnight quite often and I was having quite a difficult time with that.  I usually take my risperidone at night and could not take it before I went out salting/powing as it helps me sleep.  Sleep is so important for me and it definitely was affected.  I feel as though I let the guys I worked for down.  They were a good group of guys and I did enjoy aspects of working there.  Probably part of the reason I have felt like a failure, letting others down.  I do not like giving up on things but, I just felt it was the best thing to do for me mentally.  I need to look at it is a learning experience and not beat myself up for moving on.

If history has proven anything to me,  this little funk I am in will pass eventually.  I know I am not a failure or a loser but, that is how I have been feeling lately.   I need to remind myself of positive aspects of my life.  I am taking a step to improve my mental state today by getting a gym membership.  If I can motivate myself to start going regularly, I know the benefits mentally will start to show.  Sometimes when I am in a bad head space, I need to force myself to do things I do not necessarily feel like doing.  Sitting around getting pissed off at myself has never accomplished anything.

As my dad tells me all the time, "This Too Shall Pass".

Take care,  Shawn.