Just going to be a short blog tonight as I am physically drained.
Week number two is almost done. We have Friday off this week for Easter which will be nice break.
I have been doing well mentally for the most part. A few moments here and there but, fairly balanced all around. Just taking it minute by minute, one step at a time.
We have been doing spring clean ups, tree work and digging out some plants. I enjoy spring clean ups. It is nice to shape the landscape of some pretty high end properties and make them look sharp for the upcoming season. I would be content with clean ups, grass cutting and summer pruning. I do not enjoy tree work as much simply because I feel a bit lost. I mostly feel that I am in the way and am not confident with the whole process. Guess that is just something I will get more comfortable with in time.
We are getting together as a family on Saturday which will be great. I always enjoy catching up on everyone's lives. I wish Ryan and Deb were here for Easter too but, look forward to seeing them in August. My dad turns 65 in April which is exciting for our family. My dad has been a constant support in my life for the last while and I really appreciate it. He is always there to listen and pass on some words of encouragement.
Hope you have a fulfilling Easter this year.
Take care, Shawn.
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Friday, 30 March 2012
First Week in the Books
Seems like an eternity since I have written in my blog. It is not because I have lost interest in the endeavor but, that I have been physically exhausted.
I finished my first full week of landscaping today which is a big success for me. It was encouraging to be back at something I am familiar with. It will be nice to earn a pay check every week again too.
The last time I wrote in my blog, I mentioned that I was going to focus on breaking the day in to small blocks of time. This seems to be working wonders for me so far. I was not too overwhelmed mentally for a long duration of time. I had one "bi-polar" moment where I had to walk a way for a couple of minutes to collect myself because I was becoming a bit emotional. I take comments that are meant to be constructive criticism far too personally and it throws me off at times. This was one of those moments but, it did not last long which is a good sign.
I am working with Smitty again this year. He is a great guy and a lot of fun to work with. We work extremely well together and get in a good rhythm. I am so glad he is back as I would feel lost without him there. It is not that I do not know what I am doing, it just gives me more confidence knowing that someone is there to answer any questions I may have. It looks like we may end up having a new addition to the crew this year so it may take a while to create the same cohesion that Smitty and I have.
I did a lot of digging this week. We had to take a lot of plants at a property and it really works your back muscles. I have to get some A535 to rub in at night to help as I have always dealt with back pain at various stages in my life. I used the tractor to load some gravel in to a bed which was fun. It was damn scary at first as there was some tricky slopes to deal with but, felt good to finish the job right.
My favorite part of the week was doing some spring pruning. Pruning plants is something I pride myself on and is a skill that I seem to have a knack for. We have an Echo at work and I love that machine. I am definitely going to get one down the road when our budget allows it. There is something about pruning plants that blocks everything else out. My thoughts are gone, there is no anxiety or stress and none of the blues. Just me and the plant. Guess you could relate it to a pitcher in baseball who gets in a zone and can shut the crowd noise out. When I am done shaping a plant, it gives me a sense of joy. Now if I could just figure out how to get in to that pruning zone in other aspects of my life, life would become simple.
We are taking it easy this weekend. Jodi has her skating carnival tomorrow and then she is done for the year. Beach volleyball starts in a month which we are looking forward too. Guess we should try to squeeze in a round of golf sometime this summer too. Still cannot believe it snowed today after the amazing weather we had a few weeks a go.
A smile can go a long way to making someones day.
Take care, Shawn.
I finished my first full week of landscaping today which is a big success for me. It was encouraging to be back at something I am familiar with. It will be nice to earn a pay check every week again too.
The last time I wrote in my blog, I mentioned that I was going to focus on breaking the day in to small blocks of time. This seems to be working wonders for me so far. I was not too overwhelmed mentally for a long duration of time. I had one "bi-polar" moment where I had to walk a way for a couple of minutes to collect myself because I was becoming a bit emotional. I take comments that are meant to be constructive criticism far too personally and it throws me off at times. This was one of those moments but, it did not last long which is a good sign.
I am working with Smitty again this year. He is a great guy and a lot of fun to work with. We work extremely well together and get in a good rhythm. I am so glad he is back as I would feel lost without him there. It is not that I do not know what I am doing, it just gives me more confidence knowing that someone is there to answer any questions I may have. It looks like we may end up having a new addition to the crew this year so it may take a while to create the same cohesion that Smitty and I have.
I did a lot of digging this week. We had to take a lot of plants at a property and it really works your back muscles. I have to get some A535 to rub in at night to help as I have always dealt with back pain at various stages in my life. I used the tractor to load some gravel in to a bed which was fun. It was damn scary at first as there was some tricky slopes to deal with but, felt good to finish the job right.
My favorite part of the week was doing some spring pruning. Pruning plants is something I pride myself on and is a skill that I seem to have a knack for. We have an Echo at work and I love that machine. I am definitely going to get one down the road when our budget allows it. There is something about pruning plants that blocks everything else out. My thoughts are gone, there is no anxiety or stress and none of the blues. Just me and the plant. Guess you could relate it to a pitcher in baseball who gets in a zone and can shut the crowd noise out. When I am done shaping a plant, it gives me a sense of joy. Now if I could just figure out how to get in to that pruning zone in other aspects of my life, life would become simple.
We are taking it easy this weekend. Jodi has her skating carnival tomorrow and then she is done for the year. Beach volleyball starts in a month which we are looking forward too. Guess we should try to squeeze in a round of golf sometime this summer too. Still cannot believe it snowed today after the amazing weather we had a few weeks a go.
A smile can go a long way to making someones day.
Take care, Shawn.
Thursday, 22 March 2012
The Long and Winding Road
Sometimes I feel that Beatles song describes what I have been on for the last twenty years, a long and winding road. I often tell others that living with bi-polar is like being on a roller coaster you cannot get off. A coaster goes up, down, upside down, in circles and levels out on occasion. That is the best way I could describe what I have lived through.
I checked out a cool website the other day. It is www.mindcheck.ca. It was started in part by Kevin Bieksa of the Canucks to get the discussion going regarding mental health. Kevin lost his good friend, Rick Rypien, to suicide. From what I have heard about Rick, he was of great character and always putting others first. I think this website is a great tool for those looking for help or people looking to find out more about mental illness. There is also the opportunity to take a pledge for mental health, you should really give it a look.
Tomorrow, I am working again which made my mind kind wander a bit. I cried a little but really do feel better than on Monday. I already have one successful day in the books so it will definitely be a little easier tomorrow. I start full time next week which I am actually looking forward too. Having the winter off was great but, having more of a routine will be good for me. I am going to try to break the day in to sections. Not looking at finishing the day, just finishing the first two hours. Then finishing to lunch and so on. I think if I can challenge myself to do this every day, I will be more successful.
I heard The Longest Time by Billy Joel sung on American Idol. It was on when I came back from a milk run and really perked me up. It is one of favorite songs of all time and you cannot help feeling good when you hear it.
I am heading to bed now, early wake up call in the morning. I take risperidone (not sure of spelling) at night which really helps me sleep. I used to have trouble at night because my mind would race relentlessly and restless nights would follow. The meds help slow the thought process down and I normally sleep like a baby now.
Hope this finds you in good spirits.
Take care, Shawn.
I checked out a cool website the other day. It is www.mindcheck.ca. It was started in part by Kevin Bieksa of the Canucks to get the discussion going regarding mental health. Kevin lost his good friend, Rick Rypien, to suicide. From what I have heard about Rick, he was of great character and always putting others first. I think this website is a great tool for those looking for help or people looking to find out more about mental illness. There is also the opportunity to take a pledge for mental health, you should really give it a look.
Tomorrow, I am working again which made my mind kind wander a bit. I cried a little but really do feel better than on Monday. I already have one successful day in the books so it will definitely be a little easier tomorrow. I start full time next week which I am actually looking forward too. Having the winter off was great but, having more of a routine will be good for me. I am going to try to break the day in to sections. Not looking at finishing the day, just finishing the first two hours. Then finishing to lunch and so on. I think if I can challenge myself to do this every day, I will be more successful.
I heard The Longest Time by Billy Joel sung on American Idol. It was on when I came back from a milk run and really perked me up. It is one of favorite songs of all time and you cannot help feeling good when you hear it.
I am heading to bed now, early wake up call in the morning. I take risperidone (not sure of spelling) at night which really helps me sleep. I used to have trouble at night because my mind would race relentlessly and restless nights would follow. The meds help slow the thought process down and I normally sleep like a baby now.
Hope this finds you in good spirits.
Take care, Shawn.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
The Batmobile
Life can be hilarious sometimes.
Tuesday was my first day back to work in four months, I was off for the winter. Going back to work came with a rush of anxiety and fear. I have a hell of a time with transitions and always plan for the worst in my head. The day before I went back I was having quite a shitty day. My mood was all over the place. Felt like I was having panic attacks. I spent part of the day sobbing like a baby. I know this sounds like a bit much but, that is where my mind takes me sometimes. Taking the car for a cross country tour sounded like a much better idea than facing going back to work.
So with all that build up, Tuesday came. Jodi had sent me an e-mail the previous night telling me that I could borrow her belief in me until I found my own. This was an amazing gesture and helped my confidence immensely. I woke up feeling not too bad about the day ahead. Had my morning coffees, walked Ollie and headed out the door for my twenty five minute drive to work.
About five minutes in to my drive, the strangest thing happened. I saw the Batmobile approaching on the opposite side of the road. That's right, I said the Batmobile. I had to take a second look to make sure I was not hallucinating but, there it was. I am not saying it was the one from the movie but, it was a Batmobile nonetheless. Pretty damn funny!
So after that, I knew that the day was going to be not too bad. I mean, how do you have a bad day after seeing a Batmobile on the way to work. I worked with my boss at his house. Their septic bed had to be replaced. Their backyard looked like a mine field. I did a lot of digging and shoveling. It was a pretty hot day for March so I worked up a good sweat. It was pretty physical work after being off for so long but, I think it went well. I have never cheated anyone when it comes to manual labor. I always work as hard as I possibly can. I ran out of steam near the end of the day but, think I did pretty well considering.
The interesting aspect of all this is that things in my life are never as bad as I imagine them to be. All that stress and anxiety for what turned out to be a really good day. I think I will attempt to take things in stride a little more often. Life is so complex at times so why waste time focusing on what "might" happen in the future and enjoying more of the journey. I will let you know how that works out for me.
I hope that if any of you are struggling on a certain day, that you too will see a Batmobile on the way to work.
Take care, Shawn.
Tuesday was my first day back to work in four months, I was off for the winter. Going back to work came with a rush of anxiety and fear. I have a hell of a time with transitions and always plan for the worst in my head. The day before I went back I was having quite a shitty day. My mood was all over the place. Felt like I was having panic attacks. I spent part of the day sobbing like a baby. I know this sounds like a bit much but, that is where my mind takes me sometimes. Taking the car for a cross country tour sounded like a much better idea than facing going back to work.
So with all that build up, Tuesday came. Jodi had sent me an e-mail the previous night telling me that I could borrow her belief in me until I found my own. This was an amazing gesture and helped my confidence immensely. I woke up feeling not too bad about the day ahead. Had my morning coffees, walked Ollie and headed out the door for my twenty five minute drive to work.
About five minutes in to my drive, the strangest thing happened. I saw the Batmobile approaching on the opposite side of the road. That's right, I said the Batmobile. I had to take a second look to make sure I was not hallucinating but, there it was. I am not saying it was the one from the movie but, it was a Batmobile nonetheless. Pretty damn funny!
So after that, I knew that the day was going to be not too bad. I mean, how do you have a bad day after seeing a Batmobile on the way to work. I worked with my boss at his house. Their septic bed had to be replaced. Their backyard looked like a mine field. I did a lot of digging and shoveling. It was a pretty hot day for March so I worked up a good sweat. It was pretty physical work after being off for so long but, I think it went well. I have never cheated anyone when it comes to manual labor. I always work as hard as I possibly can. I ran out of steam near the end of the day but, think I did pretty well considering.
The interesting aspect of all this is that things in my life are never as bad as I imagine them to be. All that stress and anxiety for what turned out to be a really good day. I think I will attempt to take things in stride a little more often. Life is so complex at times so why waste time focusing on what "might" happen in the future and enjoying more of the journey. I will let you know how that works out for me.
I hope that if any of you are struggling on a certain day, that you too will see a Batmobile on the way to work.
Take care, Shawn.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
The Sun is Back Baby!!!!
The sun has been back in full force this week, filling the sky with its brilliance. I almost feel guilty for the beautiful week we had as so many went down south for the march break. They will come back to the life that spring has injected in to our lives here.
The great weather means that work is right around the corner. It did not work out in Fergus so I have decided to go back to the same landscaping company as last year. I do enjoy the work, am good at it and enjoy the people I work with. It is a good fit for me. I think it was hard for Jodi to understand my hesitation about going back to such a good situation. I realize all the positive aspects of the job but, my mind always plans for the worst case scenario. I am already worrying about situations that are not even here yet. I think that once I get the first day out of the way, it might become easier for me mentally. I just get so anxious with the build up to going back after being a way for the last four months. I am more aware of my moods now and hopefully will be better suited to handle challenges. Of course there are going to be some tough days but, I am going to attempt to take it one step at a time. The only day I need to worry about right now is today. Tomorrow is not here yet and Yesterday is gone. I am also going to try not to rush things at work. I was always in such a hurry to finish jobs instead of appreciating the individual steps in the process.
I went to a therapy session with a guy named Steve on Friday. It had been quite some time since I have talked to someone in that setting. It was not too bad, always good to let things out a bit. He specializes in cognitive behavior therapy which I have some experience with. There are aspects of this particular therapy I can apply to my life but, I am looking for something a little different. Steve is also a lot older so it may be hard for me to relate to. I also have had the best connections with therapists that have been through similar struggles as me which I am quite certain, he has not. The best counselor I have ever talked to was a guy named John. He had been through similar struggles in his life, was a great listener and gave me some great insight to facing life with conviction. I think I might e-mail him to see if he can recommend somebody. Think that was the first and last 150 dollar session with Steve, I am in the wrong business.
Take care, Shawn
"Laughter is a key to happiness"
The great weather means that work is right around the corner. It did not work out in Fergus so I have decided to go back to the same landscaping company as last year. I do enjoy the work, am good at it and enjoy the people I work with. It is a good fit for me. I think it was hard for Jodi to understand my hesitation about going back to such a good situation. I realize all the positive aspects of the job but, my mind always plans for the worst case scenario. I am already worrying about situations that are not even here yet. I think that once I get the first day out of the way, it might become easier for me mentally. I just get so anxious with the build up to going back after being a way for the last four months. I am more aware of my moods now and hopefully will be better suited to handle challenges. Of course there are going to be some tough days but, I am going to attempt to take it one step at a time. The only day I need to worry about right now is today. Tomorrow is not here yet and Yesterday is gone. I am also going to try not to rush things at work. I was always in such a hurry to finish jobs instead of appreciating the individual steps in the process.
I went to a therapy session with a guy named Steve on Friday. It had been quite some time since I have talked to someone in that setting. It was not too bad, always good to let things out a bit. He specializes in cognitive behavior therapy which I have some experience with. There are aspects of this particular therapy I can apply to my life but, I am looking for something a little different. Steve is also a lot older so it may be hard for me to relate to. I also have had the best connections with therapists that have been through similar struggles as me which I am quite certain, he has not. The best counselor I have ever talked to was a guy named John. He had been through similar struggles in his life, was a great listener and gave me some great insight to facing life with conviction. I think I might e-mail him to see if he can recommend somebody. Think that was the first and last 150 dollar session with Steve, I am in the wrong business.
Take care, Shawn
"Laughter is a key to happiness"
Thursday, 15 March 2012
Spring is Here
Spring is here. The snow is gone, the birds are alive and the rain is a welcome sight. I cannot wait to cut the grass, rake the lawn out and edge our front bed.
I have decided to go back to work with the same landscape company. They know my situation, I enjoy the work and love being outside. There will always be some tough days mentally but, am looking forward to the challenge. It will be nice to earn a steady pay check again too. Normally we start April 1rst but, my boss might have some work for me next week. It took a while for me to come to terms with going back to work. It was not a matter of me knowing that this was a good choice for me. I get scared because I have struggled so much in employment situations so it was important to finally make a decision. I am going to approach it as an opportunity to succeed at something I am good at. It feels amazing going back to the same company for an entire season. I have always jumped from job to job but, I have a better feeling about this year. One day at a time, focusing on positive aspects instead of dwelling on negatives.
March Madness starts today. I cannot wait for the intense basketball action. I picked Florida State to win it all in my bracket. I watched them play last weekend and there is just something about the way they play the game that intrigues me. Tip offs are at noon so I will have my ass on the couch for a few hours this afternoon.
We are heading down to dinner tonight in Oakville. Looking forward to seeing my sister, brother in law and my nephew. I love visiting them and catching up on their lives.
Hope this finds you well.
Take care, Shawn
I have decided to go back to work with the same landscape company. They know my situation, I enjoy the work and love being outside. There will always be some tough days mentally but, am looking forward to the challenge. It will be nice to earn a steady pay check again too. Normally we start April 1rst but, my boss might have some work for me next week. It took a while for me to come to terms with going back to work. It was not a matter of me knowing that this was a good choice for me. I get scared because I have struggled so much in employment situations so it was important to finally make a decision. I am going to approach it as an opportunity to succeed at something I am good at. It feels amazing going back to the same company for an entire season. I have always jumped from job to job but, I have a better feeling about this year. One day at a time, focusing on positive aspects instead of dwelling on negatives.
March Madness starts today. I cannot wait for the intense basketball action. I picked Florida State to win it all in my bracket. I watched them play last weekend and there is just something about the way they play the game that intrigues me. Tip offs are at noon so I will have my ass on the couch for a few hours this afternoon.
We are heading down to dinner tonight in Oakville. Looking forward to seeing my sister, brother in law and my nephew. I love visiting them and catching up on their lives.
Hope this finds you well.
Take care, Shawn
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Censorship
Jodi and I watch a lot of television and listen to the radio quite a bit. I find our society is a bit backwards in terms of censorship. I find it hilarious that they bleep out words like shit and blur someone giving the middle finger at the super bowl. I find this so funny because at the same time, they have gruesome displays of human behavior on shows such as Criminal Minds and Dexter. Don't get me wrong, I love both those shows. I just do not understand why profanity is on the outs with the censors but, human mutilation is in. I also saw a Victoria Secret commercial today where the women had nothing on but their under wear, breasts protruding for the world to see. Again, I am not averse to these particular commercials but, how is it alright for an eight year old to watch this stuff and not be able to hear profanities. Have you been on a school play ground in the last thirty years, kids are already quite in tune with the variety of "cuss" words available to their vocabulary. Does the CRTC think that when they bleep something out on the radio, general IQ of its listeners cannot fathom a guess as to what the words are. I do not have the answers, just wanted to provide my opinion as I find it all quite comical.
Hope to write again tomorrow.
Happy Tuesday
Shawn
Hope to write again tomorrow.
Happy Tuesday
Shawn
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