Yesterday was a really good day. If every day was like that, I would be quite content. I worked with Heather down in Brampton finishing off a clean up and it went really well. She is so easy to work with and there was no stress involved.
The funny thing about yesterday was that I had been crying on the way to work. I was about ten minutes a way and my emotions kind of hit me again. I had got lost on Thursday and had become really frustrated. I carried that in to Thursday night and Friday morning. I was half expecting a rain day come Friday and was surprised when it was clear in the morning. I was thinking that I would have a shitty day and never expected things would turn out the way they did. I am proud that I pulled myself together to have a positive experience. In the past I might have asked my boss to go home but, I pushed through it. The property we worked on looks sharp and I am sure they will be happy with the work we did. I know not every day will go that smoothly but, I need to remember the feeling I got at the end of the day yesterday and use it in the future to achieve success.
Just got back from watching the Leafs game with Jodi and my brother Matt at my parents place. I can say now with absolute certainty that Toronto is now in the play offs for the first time in nine years. I was actually at game six against the Flyers in 2004 when Roenick put it top shelf in overtime, what a game that was. I am actually pretty excited about their play off push. I do not normally watch much hockey but, this will be fun to watch. Was great to hang out with my brother tonight. He is an awesome guy and has so much to offer. I know he has lots of good things ahead of him. I have missed my parents quite a bit as they have been a way in Cuba. They will be back in the next few days and it will be great to catch up with them and hear about their trip.
Tomorrow is Sunday which I have typically reserved for worrying and anxiety as you may remember from last weeks post. I am determined to enjoy the day tomorrow and not think too much about the week ahead. It is not fair to Jodi for me to be down in the dumps on a day we should be enjoying together. I have some odds and ends to do around here and some pruning to do at my parents. I would love to take a chain saw to some of their tree branches but, I should probably check with my mom first.
Hope this finds you well. Take care because we care. Shawn.
The mind can be your worst enemy but, it can also be one of your greatest allies.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Sunday
I have the downzies today. Sundays always seem to pose a challenge for me. Stressing out about the week ahead. Self doubt creeping in again. Feeling as though failure is imminent. My mind going to negative places and feeling as though there has to be an easier way out.
I do not write about these struggles for any type of pity. I have bi-polar and I do my best to live every day the best I can. I simply want people to know how real mental illness is and the toll it can take on someone. Sure, it is natural to worry about things. It is not natural to think of jumping off a bridge or taking off and never coming back. It is not like I choose to think like this, who would really. It is not a pleasant way to spend my time and I need to construct better strategies to cope.
We did go for a walk in Elora today which helped clear the head a bit. There are quite a few nice little shops there and it was wonderful to get some fresh air. We stopped for a coffee and some delicious cookies. We went to look at the river as it has been extremely high of late. I do like Elora as it still has that small town feel. Fergus has grown so much and has lost a lot of its charm.
I worked yesterday cleaning up fallen trees and branches. It was an intense and stressful day but, I made it through. I am really hoping I get to work with Heather tomorrow. I find when I work with her, my stress level decreases immensely. She is such a nice person and easy to work with. I still hope that Smitty will roll in to the shop one morning but, I need to get that out of my head as it is not happening.
I have always had issues with employment in my life. I cannot remember a job that I did not have a hard time coping. This is the longest I have been with one place. I do not want it to be another thing that I fail at. I have to remind myself that I can only do the best I can. Yes, I will get in shit at times. Yes, some days will be stressful. But I do have a lot of attributes that could help me succeed if I just take it one day at a time. If I can make it through this season, there is nothing I could not accomplish.
I think what I am doing this instant is the only profession that I could maintain balance, being a writer. I realize it will probably not come to fruition but, stranger things have happened. I got my first comment on my blog from someone and I would like to thank them for their encouraging words. I worry at times that I share to much on these pages but, I feel like what I have been through mentally is pointless if I cannot share my story with others.
That is it for me tonight. Remember that tomorrow is a new day filled with promise.
Take care, Shawn.
I do not write about these struggles for any type of pity. I have bi-polar and I do my best to live every day the best I can. I simply want people to know how real mental illness is and the toll it can take on someone. Sure, it is natural to worry about things. It is not natural to think of jumping off a bridge or taking off and never coming back. It is not like I choose to think like this, who would really. It is not a pleasant way to spend my time and I need to construct better strategies to cope.
We did go for a walk in Elora today which helped clear the head a bit. There are quite a few nice little shops there and it was wonderful to get some fresh air. We stopped for a coffee and some delicious cookies. We went to look at the river as it has been extremely high of late. I do like Elora as it still has that small town feel. Fergus has grown so much and has lost a lot of its charm.
I worked yesterday cleaning up fallen trees and branches. It was an intense and stressful day but, I made it through. I am really hoping I get to work with Heather tomorrow. I find when I work with her, my stress level decreases immensely. She is such a nice person and easy to work with. I still hope that Smitty will roll in to the shop one morning but, I need to get that out of my head as it is not happening.
I have always had issues with employment in my life. I cannot remember a job that I did not have a hard time coping. This is the longest I have been with one place. I do not want it to be another thing that I fail at. I have to remind myself that I can only do the best I can. Yes, I will get in shit at times. Yes, some days will be stressful. But I do have a lot of attributes that could help me succeed if I just take it one day at a time. If I can make it through this season, there is nothing I could not accomplish.
I think what I am doing this instant is the only profession that I could maintain balance, being a writer. I realize it will probably not come to fruition but, stranger things have happened. I got my first comment on my blog from someone and I would like to thank them for their encouraging words. I worry at times that I share to much on these pages but, I feel like what I have been through mentally is pointless if I cannot share my story with others.
That is it for me tonight. Remember that tomorrow is a new day filled with promise.
Take care, Shawn.
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
So far, So good
This is the first week with everyone back. Heather and Jessie started on Tuesday and Paul will start at the beginning of May. It was quite different being the lead hand and I have felt comfortable in the role so far.
Monday was a challenging day for me. I was working by myself changing oils on the machines. Everything went quite smoothly as it was my first time doing something like that. Then I had trouble getting one of the bolts to go back in after I had changed the oil. It was frustrating me to no end and my boss was not around to ask about it. I was pacing around and swearing under my breath. I went to the front to cut down some grasses for a change of pace and then the hurricane hit me. All of my anxieties and fears kind of hit me all at once and I broke down. I probably cried for fifteen minutes. I was trying to hold things together but, was finding it difficult. I did calm down a bit and managed to change the oil on one more machine before my boss got back. Turns out that the bolt that had me in a tither did not go all the way back in to begin with as it had a different kind of thread. So from one damn bolt, I worked myself in to an emotional wreck. Funny how my mind works sometimes.
I managed to get a bit of sleep and woke up for the work day on Tuesday. It was my first day as lead hand and I was a little anxious but, feeling fairly positive about what lay ahead. I met Jessie and we got the truck and trailer ready for the season. Some vacuuming and checking to see if we had all the right tools on the truck. So with that out of the way, we went to meet Heather at one of our properties to start some spring clean up. I gave Heather a big hug and it was so amazing to have her their as part of our team again. My boss dropped by to show us a few things and then we continued on with the clean up. I did a fair bit of dogwoods and took a lot out of them. The things I had learned with my boss the previous two weeks really gave me the confidence to really thin them out the way they are meant to be. I even got to use my echo to prune some upright Junipers. I finished the afternoon helping my boss finish a small pruning job and then the rain shut down our day around five. I was really happy with how the day turned out and drove home with a smile on my face. Everyday will be different so I try to take comfort in small triumphs.
Today was up in the air as the weather did not look too promising. We managed to get in three hours fixing a cedar rail fence. Jessie and I got in a good rhythm and I am really proud of how the fence is turning out. We worked in the rain for most of the time we were there and I finally decided to call it a day. It was another good day and I got a chance to catch up on some errands around town this afternoon. Does not look like we will do much landscaping tomorrow as it is going to snow but, we might get a bit of shoveling in. I am happy either way tomorrow. I do not mind working and I have lots I can do around the house. Guess I will find out in the morning.
We are just watching the end of the Jays game. They managed to claw back after being in a big hole and are now winning by two in the ninth inning. Hope their bullpen can hold down the fort in the bottom half. Would be nice to get in the win column after a slow start to the season.
Hope you are having a great night. Take care, Shawn.
Happy Wednesday!!!!
Monday was a challenging day for me. I was working by myself changing oils on the machines. Everything went quite smoothly as it was my first time doing something like that. Then I had trouble getting one of the bolts to go back in after I had changed the oil. It was frustrating me to no end and my boss was not around to ask about it. I was pacing around and swearing under my breath. I went to the front to cut down some grasses for a change of pace and then the hurricane hit me. All of my anxieties and fears kind of hit me all at once and I broke down. I probably cried for fifteen minutes. I was trying to hold things together but, was finding it difficult. I did calm down a bit and managed to change the oil on one more machine before my boss got back. Turns out that the bolt that had me in a tither did not go all the way back in to begin with as it had a different kind of thread. So from one damn bolt, I worked myself in to an emotional wreck. Funny how my mind works sometimes.
I managed to get a bit of sleep and woke up for the work day on Tuesday. It was my first day as lead hand and I was a little anxious but, feeling fairly positive about what lay ahead. I met Jessie and we got the truck and trailer ready for the season. Some vacuuming and checking to see if we had all the right tools on the truck. So with that out of the way, we went to meet Heather at one of our properties to start some spring clean up. I gave Heather a big hug and it was so amazing to have her their as part of our team again. My boss dropped by to show us a few things and then we continued on with the clean up. I did a fair bit of dogwoods and took a lot out of them. The things I had learned with my boss the previous two weeks really gave me the confidence to really thin them out the way they are meant to be. I even got to use my echo to prune some upright Junipers. I finished the afternoon helping my boss finish a small pruning job and then the rain shut down our day around five. I was really happy with how the day turned out and drove home with a smile on my face. Everyday will be different so I try to take comfort in small triumphs.
Today was up in the air as the weather did not look too promising. We managed to get in three hours fixing a cedar rail fence. Jessie and I got in a good rhythm and I am really proud of how the fence is turning out. We worked in the rain for most of the time we were there and I finally decided to call it a day. It was another good day and I got a chance to catch up on some errands around town this afternoon. Does not look like we will do much landscaping tomorrow as it is going to snow but, we might get a bit of shoveling in. I am happy either way tomorrow. I do not mind working and I have lots I can do around the house. Guess I will find out in the morning.
We are just watching the end of the Jays game. They managed to claw back after being in a big hole and are now winning by two in the ninth inning. Hope their bullpen can hold down the fort in the bottom half. Would be nice to get in the win column after a slow start to the season.
Hope you are having a great night. Take care, Shawn.
Happy Wednesday!!!!
Friday, 5 April 2013
First Week in the Books
I finished my first week back at work and it went better than I expected it would. As I have learned in the past, things are never as bad as I make them out in my mind. I worked with my boss all week as the new guy Jessie is not starting till this coming Tuesday. I learned a tonne from my boss and feel more confident moving forward. I found that the more questions I asked, the more I learned. Seems like a simple concept but, it was something I should have been doing more of. We did a lot of pruning trees and shrubs. I learned what it meant to thin out a plant properly and not being afraid to open it up. We worked on some Forsythias, Dogwood, Rose of Sharons, Nest Pines and a few others. I also did some work on some of our machines this week including some sharpening of the tools. I also learned how to check spark plugs and filters; I did more mechanical work this week than I had in my whole life. I am even changing oil on Monday which I have always wanted to do.
The snow is slowly disappearing so we should be able to start some of the spring clean ups next week. I am a little anxious as it will be my first week in charge of the truck. Just have to have confidence in my own abilities and facilitate a good team effort. Heather should be working with us a bit which I am very thankful for. We can help each other out and make sure we do an awesome job on clean ups to maintain the amazing reputation our company has. I did work by myself yesterday afternoon which was good for me. There is something therapeutic about working by yourself and it was good experience for me moving forward. I still think Smitty will pulling in on Tuesday but, I know that is not in the cards at the moment. Would just have made things simple.
We are heading to Drayton tonight for dinner with Jenn and Scott. Jenn works with Jodi at school and is a lot of fun. Looking forward to it as I hear we are having some homemade pizza which I love so it should be a good night. Will miss watching the Jays but, we can catch the game tomorrow afternoon. Going for breakfast with my parents tomorrow morning.
Have a great weekend.
Take care, Shawn.
Life is not always easy but, it is certainly worth fighting for.
The snow is slowly disappearing so we should be able to start some of the spring clean ups next week. I am a little anxious as it will be my first week in charge of the truck. Just have to have confidence in my own abilities and facilitate a good team effort. Heather should be working with us a bit which I am very thankful for. We can help each other out and make sure we do an awesome job on clean ups to maintain the amazing reputation our company has. I did work by myself yesterday afternoon which was good for me. There is something therapeutic about working by yourself and it was good experience for me moving forward. I still think Smitty will pulling in on Tuesday but, I know that is not in the cards at the moment. Would just have made things simple.
We are heading to Drayton tonight for dinner with Jenn and Scott. Jenn works with Jodi at school and is a lot of fun. Looking forward to it as I hear we are having some homemade pizza which I love so it should be a good night. Will miss watching the Jays but, we can catch the game tomorrow afternoon. Going for breakfast with my parents tomorrow morning.
Have a great weekend.
Take care, Shawn.
Life is not always easy but, it is certainly worth fighting for.
Monday, 25 March 2013
A New Day
Today was a much better day mentally for me which I am very thankful for. I got an amazing e-mail from a friend and it helped me relax a little bit in terms of starting work again. I know there will be challenges along the way but, I cannot worry about everything that may or may not happen. All I can do is work hard and do the best job I can on a daily basis. Everything else will hopefully take care of itself.
I am going in to do some tree pruning with my boss tomorrow. Will be good to be outside again and haul some branches. I do not do much of the cutting but, I do learn a lot about tree pruning from watching my boss work. Will be a great way to ease back in to it and make a bit of money in the process so I can get my passport renewed for the wedding.
I found out that we got one of our old properties back from a few years a go. I love cutting it with the Deere as you can really make it stand out on the street if you get your lines right. Maybe I will post a picture sometime and you can judge for yourself.
I will miss Smitty a lot but, maybe this will be a good challenge for me personally. I was even looking online last night to see how to prune roses in the spring as it was something that I was not too familiar with. And who knows, maybe Smitty will end up in the truck at some point.
Might check out the Leafs and Bruins tonight. I do not watch much hockey but, it should be a good tilt tonight. I really hope the Leafs can hold on to their play off spot, would be nice to finally watch them make a run at the cup.
Have a good night.
Take care, Shawn.
I am going in to do some tree pruning with my boss tomorrow. Will be good to be outside again and haul some branches. I do not do much of the cutting but, I do learn a lot about tree pruning from watching my boss work. Will be a great way to ease back in to it and make a bit of money in the process so I can get my passport renewed for the wedding.
I found out that we got one of our old properties back from a few years a go. I love cutting it with the Deere as you can really make it stand out on the street if you get your lines right. Maybe I will post a picture sometime and you can judge for yourself.
I will miss Smitty a lot but, maybe this will be a good challenge for me personally. I was even looking online last night to see how to prune roses in the spring as it was something that I was not too familiar with. And who knows, maybe Smitty will end up in the truck at some point.
Might check out the Leafs and Bruins tonight. I do not watch much hockey but, it should be a good tilt tonight. I really hope the Leafs can hold on to their play off spot, would be nice to finally watch them make a run at the cup.
Have a good night.
Take care, Shawn.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Anxiety
The last few days have not been very enjoyable for me. I have been going through an abnormal amount of anxiety about the upcoming season. I just found out that Smitty will not be coming back this year. He left it too long and someone else was already hired to replace him. In my head, I had always envisioned that he would be coming back as I have been texting with him for the last month. Smitty and I worked so well together and played of each others strengths. You would be hard pressed to find a better maintenance crew than us and I am so disappointed he is not coming back. I do not do well when plans in my head do not come to fruition and have been struggling immensely for the last few days.
I am worried that I will not be able to handle work without Smitty. I am worried that I will not remember how to get to some places. I am worried I will fuck up and not live up to expectations. I am worried I would not be able to fix something if it broke down. I am worried that our productivity will be down without Smitty and Marcel. I am worried my mind will not be able to handle the changes and break down on me again. I am worried about all aspects of work and I have not even put one day in.
I feel added pressure to succeed as I have to save for Dave's wedding and if I mess things up at work, it would put that in jeopardy. I feel added pressure as I have bills to catch up on and cannot do that unless I succeed in the next few months. I have put the weight of the world on my shoulders which is unfair to myself but, that is how my mind works and I am fucking tired of it. I feel like disappearing but, that will not solve anything.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was having what I imagine were panic or anxiety attacks. I was breathing fast and cried for fifteen minutes or so. I was in a dark place and my thoughts turned to some shitty alternatives. I tried to think of positive things to look forward to which helped a bit. There is my sister and the upcoming birth of my new nephew or niece. I need to be strong for her and try to push through to help them in any way I can in the next few months. I thought of Dave and the upcoming wedding. I want so much to be there and be a good best man. Dave has been a good friend for so long and I do not want to disappoint him. It will be a great vacation for Jodi and I too and I am looking forward to it. Those are two big positive things in life I have tried to hold on to the last few weeks.
I cannot predict the future but, I am hoping that things turn out for the best. I want to be a positive, supportive and productive member of our family and give Jodi and Ollie the man they deserve. I have to try to get out of my own head a bit and give myself a break sometimes. The way I have been processing things has be counter productive. Fortunately, I have a counseling appointment this week so hopefully I can talk some of these issues out and come up with a plan.
Hope this finds you well. Wish I had more of an uplifting blog today but, I had to get some of my thoughts out on this page. Thanks for listening.
Take care, Shawn.
I am worried that I will not be able to handle work without Smitty. I am worried that I will not remember how to get to some places. I am worried I will fuck up and not live up to expectations. I am worried I would not be able to fix something if it broke down. I am worried that our productivity will be down without Smitty and Marcel. I am worried my mind will not be able to handle the changes and break down on me again. I am worried about all aspects of work and I have not even put one day in.
I feel added pressure to succeed as I have to save for Dave's wedding and if I mess things up at work, it would put that in jeopardy. I feel added pressure as I have bills to catch up on and cannot do that unless I succeed in the next few months. I have put the weight of the world on my shoulders which is unfair to myself but, that is how my mind works and I am fucking tired of it. I feel like disappearing but, that will not solve anything.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was having what I imagine were panic or anxiety attacks. I was breathing fast and cried for fifteen minutes or so. I was in a dark place and my thoughts turned to some shitty alternatives. I tried to think of positive things to look forward to which helped a bit. There is my sister and the upcoming birth of my new nephew or niece. I need to be strong for her and try to push through to help them in any way I can in the next few months. I thought of Dave and the upcoming wedding. I want so much to be there and be a good best man. Dave has been a good friend for so long and I do not want to disappoint him. It will be a great vacation for Jodi and I too and I am looking forward to it. Those are two big positive things in life I have tried to hold on to the last few weeks.
I cannot predict the future but, I am hoping that things turn out for the best. I want to be a positive, supportive and productive member of our family and give Jodi and Ollie the man they deserve. I have to try to get out of my own head a bit and give myself a break sometimes. The way I have been processing things has be counter productive. Fortunately, I have a counseling appointment this week so hopefully I can talk some of these issues out and come up with a plan.
Hope this finds you well. Wish I had more of an uplifting blog today but, I had to get some of my thoughts out on this page. Thanks for listening.
Take care, Shawn.
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
Happy Tuesday
I had a first aide course today with my boss down in Guelph. I have probably take first aide and cpr five or six times before but, it was definitely good to do a refresher. You never know when it may become useful, may even save a life one day.
I was at a landscape maintenance course last week in Milton. I learned a lot and am really glad I was fortunate enough to go. There was a tonne of information to take in but, it helped my level of confidence which is a big part of why I wanted to go. The best part was on the Monday when we learned about mechanical shit. I learned more in one day than I have in my entire life about how things run and picked up some great tips. The course made me anxious to get back to work and start shaping some plants again.
I do have some anxiety around going back but, it does not appear to be as bad this time. I know what to expect for the most part and know the majority of our properties. There is the matter of who I will be working with this season. Marcel is not coming back and Smitty is on the fence right now. So I know I will be working with one new guy and if Smitty does not come back, I will have a lot more responsibility which I am pretty nervous about. Those are things that are out of my control though, so I should not worry too much about them right now. I have faith in my own abilities and my work ethic has never been in question. That is all I can control, my own effort. I know shit will create havoc in my mind at times but, I just have to continue to strive for more good days than bad ones. I want to break previous cycles and be better at adapting to situations as they arise. I have to understand that even if someone gets pissed of at me, it is not an attack on my personal character. Shit just happens sometimes.
Jodi is off for March break this week so it has been awesome to have some time together. We have to start making some plans for the wedding soon. We both have to get passports again so we need to start that process in the very near future as July will be here before we know it. Ollie has been doing really well lately. I am sure he is excited about the milder temperatures as it means he gets out for more exercise. Got him a treat for dinner tonight so he was pretty happy with me today.
That is all for now. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Too much stress is something that should be avoided. Take some time for yourself and breathe in some of the simplicity of life.
I was at a landscape maintenance course last week in Milton. I learned a lot and am really glad I was fortunate enough to go. There was a tonne of information to take in but, it helped my level of confidence which is a big part of why I wanted to go. The best part was on the Monday when we learned about mechanical shit. I learned more in one day than I have in my entire life about how things run and picked up some great tips. The course made me anxious to get back to work and start shaping some plants again.
I do have some anxiety around going back but, it does not appear to be as bad this time. I know what to expect for the most part and know the majority of our properties. There is the matter of who I will be working with this season. Marcel is not coming back and Smitty is on the fence right now. So I know I will be working with one new guy and if Smitty does not come back, I will have a lot more responsibility which I am pretty nervous about. Those are things that are out of my control though, so I should not worry too much about them right now. I have faith in my own abilities and my work ethic has never been in question. That is all I can control, my own effort. I know shit will create havoc in my mind at times but, I just have to continue to strive for more good days than bad ones. I want to break previous cycles and be better at adapting to situations as they arise. I have to understand that even if someone gets pissed of at me, it is not an attack on my personal character. Shit just happens sometimes.
Jodi is off for March break this week so it has been awesome to have some time together. We have to start making some plans for the wedding soon. We both have to get passports again so we need to start that process in the very near future as July will be here before we know it. Ollie has been doing really well lately. I am sure he is excited about the milder temperatures as it means he gets out for more exercise. Got him a treat for dinner tonight so he was pretty happy with me today.
That is all for now. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Too much stress is something that should be avoided. Take some time for yourself and breathe in some of the simplicity of life.
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