I would like to take a moment to wish everyone a Happy New Year. It is hard to believe that another year has past and I wish you all the best in 2014.
Jodi and I just got back from our trip to Florida for the holidays. We had an amazing time and I am very grateful for the opportunity to be there. The kindness, generosity and hospitality that Bernie and Karen showed us was amazing. It was so nice to be able to spend time with them and enjoy much of what Florida has to offer. I was quite taken back when we were given tickets to the Dolphins game for Christmas. We went to Sunlife Stadium and I taken aback by the enormity of the stadium and all that surrounded the game. It was great to see all the tailgating and be part of the 70 000 in attendance at the game. The game had play off implications too which made it even better. It would have been nice if the Dolphins had showed up to play but, the experience was one I will never forget. We were also able to see a Florida Panthers game against the Habs and a Florida Gulf Coast basketball game. Jodi and I played tennis almost every day and made good use of the community pool as well. The trip was a welcome break for both of us and we had a really good time.
The vacation was good for my mind as well. I did not have the downzies at all when I was down there. There was a few instances where my mind raced but, I was able to maintain a good balance for most of the trip. It was a welcome break from reality and I believe being in the sun a lot was a positive thing for me.
It is a new year and I am looking forward to the challenge before me. I know I will still struggle mentally at times but, am hoping to continue to grow as a person and be better prepared for what may lay ahead. We have some difficult choices to make in 2014 but, I am certain everything will work out for the best. I am trying to accept the fact that I will always face some adversity within myself. My thoughts and mood may not always be stable but, as each year passes it seems to get a little easier. I am proud of much of what I accomplished in 2013 and hope to build on that in 2014.
Have an amazing 2014. Take care, Shawn.
" I learned that courage was not the absence of fear but, the triumph over it." Nelson Mandela
Friday, 3 January 2014
Friday, 20 December 2013
Happy Friday
The last few weeks have been challenging in many respects for me but, I am really looking forward to the holidays. Jodi is off work now for two weeks and we leave Tuesday for Florida and Christmas with Bernie and Karen. The weather in Florida looks amazing for the time we are there and I believe the sun will benefit me greatly. My last vacation did not go as well as I would have liked, so I am eager to have a positive experience this time around.
I drove through Tim's last night and the Christmas spirit was in full affect. Apparently, the previous twenty five people had either paid for or made some contribution for the person behind them. Paying it forward at a Tim's is an easy way to make someone's day.
Winter is here and we have had a fair amount of snow in comparison to the last few years. I have spent some time shoveling and using my parents snow blower at their place. I mentioned paying it forward and I do my best to shovel and/or snow blow our neighbor's driveway and the driveways of my parents neighbor's. It is great exercise for me and I have the time to do it now. It makes me feel good inside and I am sure they appreciate coming home to a clean driveway.
Last year, I read a book called Cycling Home from Siberia: 30 000 miles, 3 years, 1 bicycle by Rob Lilwall. I mentioned it in a blog and the positive impact it had on me. I am pleased to announce that he has another book coming out in Canada in the new year called Walking Home From Mongolia. Rob walked home from Mongolia and I cannot wait to hear of his adventures along the way. He is an excellent writer and makes you feel as you are on the journey with him. I wrote him after his last book and he was kind enough to respond to me. I believe he even took a peek at my blog which was nice to hear. I have never met him in person and probably never will but, he seems like someone I would get along with quite well.
2014 is right around the corner and I am cautiously optimistic about what the new year will bring. I have come to accept that I will always have to push through certain things in life. I saw Dr. Otto this week to get a new prescription for my medications as the refills had run out. He is an amazing doctor and has been a big part of helping me get to some sort of stability. He has been so good to our family and I am truly thankful for his professionalism and kindness. I mentioned to him that I was worried I would just be fighting obstacles my whole life and that worried me. He told me that I do not give myself enough credit for what I have accomplished so far in life. I do have trouble looking at aspects of success in my life. I often block those out and focus solely on disappointments and failures. This inhibits me from breaking the cycle that I seem to go through every year. I need to start realizing that I have succeeded and need to start patting myself on the back more often. I know I will always struggle with a variety of thoughts and emotions but, I have managed to make it this far.
Jodi mentioned to me once that my choice was simple. She said I could either live or die. This was after a conversation where I mentioned I was having some some suicidal thoughts. . I tried to explain to her that it wasn't such a an easy decision, that there was a lot more to it than that. When I really think about it though, it can be that simple. There is no point in simply passing time on earth until my time here is done. I might as well do my best to continue living it and make some sort of positive contribution to the world. I have a wonderful wife, a great companion in Ollie, amazing family and good friends. I also have nieces and nephews I want to see grow up and be a great uncle to. That is a lot to live for and I need to remind myself of that when my thoughts seem to drift towards giving up.
Tonight I feel good and am looking forward to spending the night at home. I hope you have a good weekend. Take care, Shawn.
“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.”
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother
Thursday, 12 December 2013
Better Day
Today I woke up feeling much better. The downzies seem to have subsided for now and I had a fresh outlook on things. I was spending too much time feeling sorry for myself and letting my thoughts control my mood. I was not being proactive and reaching out to people close to me. I was isolating myself and allowing the depression and sadness to envelop me in my little cocoon.
I was watching the news this morning and it appears as though Canada Post will be laying off a fair number of employees in the next year. It made me realize how fortunate I was to be able to work as much as I do in a year. Employment opportunities seem to have diminished drastically over the last few years and jobs are hard to come by. I am still not sure what I will do in the future but, I am thankful for work I have been fortunate to have over the last few years.
I do not have too much to write about tonight. Just kind of checking in I guess. I am feeling more positive and really enjoyed spending today with Ollie. I had a chance to have a coffee with my dad and that really picked me up as well.
Leslie, Bart, Elias and Micah are in the air now on their way to Australia for a visit. Wishing them safe travels and hope they have an amazing time.
Take care, Shawn.
“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
― C. JoyBell C.
I was watching the news this morning and it appears as though Canada Post will be laying off a fair number of employees in the next year. It made me realize how fortunate I was to be able to work as much as I do in a year. Employment opportunities seem to have diminished drastically over the last few years and jobs are hard to come by. I am still not sure what I will do in the future but, I am thankful for work I have been fortunate to have over the last few years.
I do not have too much to write about tonight. Just kind of checking in I guess. I am feeling more positive and really enjoyed spending today with Ollie. I had a chance to have a coffee with my dad and that really picked me up as well.
Leslie, Bart, Elias and Micah are in the air now on their way to Australia for a visit. Wishing them safe travels and hope they have an amazing time.
Take care, Shawn.
“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
― C. JoyBell C.
Monday, 9 December 2013
Sadness
Today, I had a profound sense of sadness. Part of what I experience during depressive episodes is sadness. I spent part of the afternoon crying in bed, hiding a way from the world. I asked God why he simply would not take me a way as I did not feel like fighting anymore.
I do not share this to create worry but, more to educate others how depression can affect the psyche of individuals. Deep depression and extreme sadness is debilitating. It saps the energy from you. I had no interest in doing anything or talking to anyone. I had to force myself simply to brush my teeth. The depression started yesterday and continued through today. Jodi was around yesterday but, worked today. I think facing the day by myself made it more difficult. I need to reach out when I have days like this but, honestly felt like embracing the misery alone.
I did feel better this afternoon and was thankful to see Jodi when she got home from school. Ollie was a good form of comfort today and I made myself take him for a play and get some fresh air. I decided to write tonight and am already feeling relieved in a way. There is something about sharing on this blog that helps me process my thoughts a little easier.
I remember when I worked for the school board. Every day for the last year there was like today. I hated waking up in the morning and making that ten minute walk to school. It had nothing to do with working with the kids, which whom I loved being around. It was all the other bull shit that really got to me. I was good with the kids but, could not handle the social dynamics with the adults in the room. Every day became increasingly more difficult and the depression rooted itself deeper within me. I turned to alcohol and gambling as a way of comping. Thinking they would somehow lessen the absence of joy in my life.
This always tends to be a tough time of year for me. Bills do not stop simply because I am done work and EI does not come through for another few weeks. The government also takes off vacation pay from your first payment which is not fair if you ask me. I earned that vacation pay and the government already does not pay you for the first two weeks of being off. I may have to look at getting year round employment as it may help me feel more valuable to Jodi and Ollie.
I am thankful for life and know this too shall pass eventually. I am also thankful that my depressive episodes only seem to last a minimal amount of time instead of weeks and months at a time. I am going to make a list for myself tomorrow to help me start the day in more of a positive mind frame. I will start with taking Ollie for a long walk on the trail. Exercise always seems to help. I need to find a good book for myself to read. Reading has always been good therapy for me. When I read, my mind can focus on the story and not the bull shit thoughts that cross my mind.
I have been through worse days and have come through. Just have to remember how far I have come and not forget all the positive aspects of my life. Depression pushes the positive out and sucks the negative in. All I need to remember is that I have people who love me for the person I am.
Have a good night. Take care, Shawn.
Keep fighting the good fight. Live, Laugh, Love.
I do not share this to create worry but, more to educate others how depression can affect the psyche of individuals. Deep depression and extreme sadness is debilitating. It saps the energy from you. I had no interest in doing anything or talking to anyone. I had to force myself simply to brush my teeth. The depression started yesterday and continued through today. Jodi was around yesterday but, worked today. I think facing the day by myself made it more difficult. I need to reach out when I have days like this but, honestly felt like embracing the misery alone.
I did feel better this afternoon and was thankful to see Jodi when she got home from school. Ollie was a good form of comfort today and I made myself take him for a play and get some fresh air. I decided to write tonight and am already feeling relieved in a way. There is something about sharing on this blog that helps me process my thoughts a little easier.
I remember when I worked for the school board. Every day for the last year there was like today. I hated waking up in the morning and making that ten minute walk to school. It had nothing to do with working with the kids, which whom I loved being around. It was all the other bull shit that really got to me. I was good with the kids but, could not handle the social dynamics with the adults in the room. Every day became increasingly more difficult and the depression rooted itself deeper within me. I turned to alcohol and gambling as a way of comping. Thinking they would somehow lessen the absence of joy in my life.
This always tends to be a tough time of year for me. Bills do not stop simply because I am done work and EI does not come through for another few weeks. The government also takes off vacation pay from your first payment which is not fair if you ask me. I earned that vacation pay and the government already does not pay you for the first two weeks of being off. I may have to look at getting year round employment as it may help me feel more valuable to Jodi and Ollie.
I am thankful for life and know this too shall pass eventually. I am also thankful that my depressive episodes only seem to last a minimal amount of time instead of weeks and months at a time. I am going to make a list for myself tomorrow to help me start the day in more of a positive mind frame. I will start with taking Ollie for a long walk on the trail. Exercise always seems to help. I need to find a good book for myself to read. Reading has always been good therapy for me. When I read, my mind can focus on the story and not the bull shit thoughts that cross my mind.
I have been through worse days and have come through. Just have to remember how far I have come and not forget all the positive aspects of my life. Depression pushes the positive out and sucks the negative in. All I need to remember is that I have people who love me for the person I am.
Have a good night. Take care, Shawn.
Keep fighting the good fight. Live, Laugh, Love.
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Pride
I did it. I made it through the grind of another eight month landscaping season. I am so proud of myself that I pushed through till the end despite some intense challenges along the way. It would have been easy for me to give up but, I fought through adversity and made it to the finish line. I almost did not even make it through July. The trip to Dominican was the worst I felt mentally all year and I was not sure if I would be able to continue with work or life for that matter. Somehow I found it within myself to show up for work on that Monday and do the best I could to navigate the darkness in my mind.
It was definitely a draining year physically and mentally. It can be very stressful at times and I am thankful I had some good people to work with in Heather, Ryan, Jessie and Paul to help me through. We helped each other and could lean on one another when things really became really difficult. The amount of jobs we finished with such a small crew astounds me. The customers we worked for definitely got their monies worth from us. Our work ethic and attention to detail would rival any company and I am so proud what the five of us accomplished this year.
I am proud that I was able to succeed in a leadership role and lead by example. Although I struggled at first with it, I learned that leadership is something that I excel at. The key for me was having patience. Patience is so important in many aspects of life. I gave individuals time to learn the ins and outs of our daily routines and I always tried to be there to help point them in the right direction. The other key to building a good team atmosphere was constantly praising the efforts of others. Giving positive feedback is so key to team success. Positive comments should always outweigh negative ones and I made sure that was the case.
I have been enjoying my time off with Ollie and am looking forward to our trip to visit Jodi's parents in Florida for Christmas. I am not sure what my future holds but, I am not going to worry about that right now. I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming months and will struggle with any decision I make. I just need to enjoy the time I have now and take my time in deciding what the best course of action would be for me and our family.
I have been doing fairly well mentally for the first few weeks of being off. I struggled a bit today and cried for the first time in a while. Part of it was just being overtired as we have stayed up far too late the last few nights. I was just thinking today about how hard I fight to push through a year and it scared me to think of continually fighting that battle for the rest of my life. I am just afraid of going in the same circle continuously for years to come. I had one afternoon last week when my mind raced at lightning speed. I was trying to take a nap and simply could not stop it racing. It is hard to explain and I wish there was some way to describe it that made sense. Just think of a spinning top and imagine thoughts going through your mind at that speed.
Looking forward to watching the Saints redeem themselves tonight against the Panthers which will be a tough challenge. Should be a great game to watch whatever the outcome.
Hope this finds you well. Take care, Shawn.
Believe in the impossible.
It was definitely a draining year physically and mentally. It can be very stressful at times and I am thankful I had some good people to work with in Heather, Ryan, Jessie and Paul to help me through. We helped each other and could lean on one another when things really became really difficult. The amount of jobs we finished with such a small crew astounds me. The customers we worked for definitely got their monies worth from us. Our work ethic and attention to detail would rival any company and I am so proud what the five of us accomplished this year.
I am proud that I was able to succeed in a leadership role and lead by example. Although I struggled at first with it, I learned that leadership is something that I excel at. The key for me was having patience. Patience is so important in many aspects of life. I gave individuals time to learn the ins and outs of our daily routines and I always tried to be there to help point them in the right direction. The other key to building a good team atmosphere was constantly praising the efforts of others. Giving positive feedback is so key to team success. Positive comments should always outweigh negative ones and I made sure that was the case.
I have been enjoying my time off with Ollie and am looking forward to our trip to visit Jodi's parents in Florida for Christmas. I am not sure what my future holds but, I am not going to worry about that right now. I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming months and will struggle with any decision I make. I just need to enjoy the time I have now and take my time in deciding what the best course of action would be for me and our family.
I have been doing fairly well mentally for the first few weeks of being off. I struggled a bit today and cried for the first time in a while. Part of it was just being overtired as we have stayed up far too late the last few nights. I was just thinking today about how hard I fight to push through a year and it scared me to think of continually fighting that battle for the rest of my life. I am just afraid of going in the same circle continuously for years to come. I had one afternoon last week when my mind raced at lightning speed. I was trying to take a nap and simply could not stop it racing. It is hard to explain and I wish there was some way to describe it that made sense. Just think of a spinning top and imagine thoughts going through your mind at that speed.
Looking forward to watching the Saints redeem themselves tonight against the Panthers which will be a tough challenge. Should be a great game to watch whatever the outcome.
Hope this finds you well. Take care, Shawn.
Believe in the impossible.
Saturday, 9 November 2013
Four Years
I am pleased to announce that a week a go today, I celebrated four years sober. I am very proud of this accomplishment and know I would not be where I am today without my decision to stop drinking. Although I still struggle with bi-polar and addictive tendencies, my mind is better able to navigate these challenges without alcohol clouding my judgement. I have access to such a broader scope of my mind and have the ability to process my thoughts a little easier.
I am near the end of the landscaping season and am really looking forward to some down time. I am so proud of all our crew has accomplished this year. It amazes me when I look back at the jobs we finished with such a small work force. We got a good start on a stone job yesterday and knocked off four properties for fall clean up last week. We finished the biggest fall clean up on Tuesday morning and that was a big relief. I am confident that the rest of clean ups will continue to go smoothly. Heather, Jessie and I work really well together and have established a good rhythm thus far. It appears that we will go through all of November so we have about three weeks left.
I happened to be off early on Wednesday afternoon and found myself watching the Dr. Oz show. He had Celine Dion as a guest and she was very insightful. The one comment that stuck with me was when she was discussing her large family growing up. She said that they never had money but, that they were never poor. It made me realize that it does not matter what material things we possess as long as nurture the relationships in our lives. She spoke highly of her parents and the values they instilled in her..
My mind has been relatively quiet of late. I did struggle for part of Tuesday. It was nothing in particular affecting me, I just found that my mind was racing and I was having difficulty slowing down my thoughts. That did pass though and was able to finish the day strong. I do not believe I cried all week which was positive. I am not ashamed that I break down sometimes, as I believe that it helps to let emotion out. It was simply nice to maintain a healthy balance for an entire week.
Hope you have a a wonderful weekend. Take care, Shawn.
“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
I am near the end of the landscaping season and am really looking forward to some down time. I am so proud of all our crew has accomplished this year. It amazes me when I look back at the jobs we finished with such a small work force. We got a good start on a stone job yesterday and knocked off four properties for fall clean up last week. We finished the biggest fall clean up on Tuesday morning and that was a big relief. I am confident that the rest of clean ups will continue to go smoothly. Heather, Jessie and I work really well together and have established a good rhythm thus far. It appears that we will go through all of November so we have about three weeks left.
I happened to be off early on Wednesday afternoon and found myself watching the Dr. Oz show. He had Celine Dion as a guest and she was very insightful. The one comment that stuck with me was when she was discussing her large family growing up. She said that they never had money but, that they were never poor. It made me realize that it does not matter what material things we possess as long as nurture the relationships in our lives. She spoke highly of her parents and the values they instilled in her..
My mind has been relatively quiet of late. I did struggle for part of Tuesday. It was nothing in particular affecting me, I just found that my mind was racing and I was having difficulty slowing down my thoughts. That did pass though and was able to finish the day strong. I do not believe I cried all week which was positive. I am not ashamed that I break down sometimes, as I believe that it helps to let emotion out. It was simply nice to maintain a healthy balance for an entire week.
Hope you have a a wonderful weekend. Take care, Shawn.
“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Saturday, 12 October 2013
Happy Thanksgiving
This week was a positive experience and we got a lot accomplished at work. I had a mild bout of depression on Monday morning and thankfully had the day off to clear my mind. It may have been the inclement weather on Monday but, I was definitely struggling. The difference between now and years gone by, is that I am able to fight my way out of depressive episodes. What I was experiencing on Monday would have thrown me off for the whole week in the past but, I was able to focus on the remainder of the week without being affected too much by Monday.
We only have three more weeks left of grass cutting which I am thankful for. I love to cut grass but, I am anxious to start fall clean ups. We also started two fairly big jobs this week, which should keep us busy for the next few weeks. It will be interesting to see how fall clean ups go this year. We will be one man down this year for the clean ups, so it may take us a little longer than usual. I am confident we will be able to push ourselves to get them finished in a reasonable time frame. The key with clean ups is not being overwhelmed with the scope of work at properties. When I did my first one a few years a go, we started at a massive property and I was not sure how we would finish such a job. You have to break properties in to sections and focus on individual tasks before moving on to the next section. It makes it much easier not to get frustrated with the amount of work there is before you.
I get a chance to visit with Elias and Micah today. The Chapman's are up for a thanksgiving visit and am looking forward to some quality time with them. We are also closing my parents pool today which does not take too long. I borrowed a chain saw from my boss this weekend just in case my mom would like some branches cut out of her trees. I know what I would take out but, they like a lot of privacy so I may have to hold myself back. I also bought the old Echo trimmer from my boss and I am really looking forward to making some vertical edges.
Bernie and Karen are coming to visit in two weeks and I am really looking forward to seeing them. We do not get a chance to visit with Jodi's parents too often so it will be great to catch up with them. We are also fortunate enough to visit them in Florida over the Christmas holidays which should be a lot of fun.
I was up early today and already had a chance to take Ollie for a play at the arena. If it was up to me, I would have already cut the grass but, I am sure my neighbour's would not have appreciated being woken up at 6 am on a Saturday morning.
Landscaping tip of the Day: Spacing
When designing beds and deciding what to plant at your home, always remember spacing. A common occurrence I see at some properties is lack of spacing. Plants, shrubs and flowers growing in to each others space. You have to take in to account the natural maturity of plants and shrubs when deciding what to plant. If you plant a row of yews that are in their first year of growing right beside each other, then there will be no separation once they reach their full growth. Plants need a certain amount of sun and moisture to remain healthy. I have seen situations where a more aggressive plant will take sun and moisture from others and those plants will struggle. If you have existing beds that have some spacing issues, do not be afraid to cut a way some things to create a little more space.
That is all from me today. Happy Thanksgiving! Have a great weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Although life may be a struggle at times, when we truly take a look around, there is always something to be thankful for.
We only have three more weeks left of grass cutting which I am thankful for. I love to cut grass but, I am anxious to start fall clean ups. We also started two fairly big jobs this week, which should keep us busy for the next few weeks. It will be interesting to see how fall clean ups go this year. We will be one man down this year for the clean ups, so it may take us a little longer than usual. I am confident we will be able to push ourselves to get them finished in a reasonable time frame. The key with clean ups is not being overwhelmed with the scope of work at properties. When I did my first one a few years a go, we started at a massive property and I was not sure how we would finish such a job. You have to break properties in to sections and focus on individual tasks before moving on to the next section. It makes it much easier not to get frustrated with the amount of work there is before you.
I get a chance to visit with Elias and Micah today. The Chapman's are up for a thanksgiving visit and am looking forward to some quality time with them. We are also closing my parents pool today which does not take too long. I borrowed a chain saw from my boss this weekend just in case my mom would like some branches cut out of her trees. I know what I would take out but, they like a lot of privacy so I may have to hold myself back. I also bought the old Echo trimmer from my boss and I am really looking forward to making some vertical edges.
Bernie and Karen are coming to visit in two weeks and I am really looking forward to seeing them. We do not get a chance to visit with Jodi's parents too often so it will be great to catch up with them. We are also fortunate enough to visit them in Florida over the Christmas holidays which should be a lot of fun.
I was up early today and already had a chance to take Ollie for a play at the arena. If it was up to me, I would have already cut the grass but, I am sure my neighbour's would not have appreciated being woken up at 6 am on a Saturday morning.
Landscaping tip of the Day: Spacing
When designing beds and deciding what to plant at your home, always remember spacing. A common occurrence I see at some properties is lack of spacing. Plants, shrubs and flowers growing in to each others space. You have to take in to account the natural maturity of plants and shrubs when deciding what to plant. If you plant a row of yews that are in their first year of growing right beside each other, then there will be no separation once they reach their full growth. Plants need a certain amount of sun and moisture to remain healthy. I have seen situations where a more aggressive plant will take sun and moisture from others and those plants will struggle. If you have existing beds that have some spacing issues, do not be afraid to cut a way some things to create a little more space.
That is all from me today. Happy Thanksgiving! Have a great weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Although life may be a struggle at times, when we truly take a look around, there is always something to be thankful for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)