Grab Hold Of The Light

I celebrated 8 years sober this past Thursday. Every November 2nd reminds me of where my life was and where it is now because I finally made the choice to abstain from alcohol. I could never control my alcohol intake and was often embarrassed and ashamed of the person I was when I became inebriated.  I hope my ability to change over time can help others realize that it is never too late to make steps in a positive direction.  Abstaining from alcohol did not solve my issues or make struggles go a way.  I still live with bi polar disorder and have yet to conquer my gambling addiction. However, the fact that I no longer consume alcohol gives my mind the clarity to manage my thoughts, moods and emotions a little easier.  It made it possible for me to maintain relationships in my life and show those in my life that their presence in my life meant more to me than anything I ever found in a bottle.  The fact that I have maintained employment for seven years in a row in the same industry is just one example of how abstaining has made a big impact in my life.

A friend of ours lost one of their friends last week.  The individual took their own life.  It makes me sad inside when I hear stories like that.  Our community also just lost a grade 10 student to suicide.  I know what state of mind they were in before they made that last choice.  I have been in that moment thousands of times.  Simply wanting the pain and anguish inside to end, not feeling as though you can fight anymore. The darkness inside just permeating throughout your whole body.  I wish they had been able to found some form of hope or lightness in their final moments.  It always hurts to lose someone. I know losing a person to suicide is an awful situation. More questions than answers.  Thinking what could have been done.  The could have , should have and would haves.  I do not have any answers on how to deal with such a tragedy.  I would take solace in the fact that the pain they were going through in those last moments, days or months is now gone.  Cherish the person they were and try to turn the loss in to something positive that may in the end help others who may find themselves in those moments.

I will always be at risk of taking my own life.  I am not trying to be dire or cause any worry.  It is just a simple fact of my life.  I do not have suicidal thoughts daily anymore but, their is still not a week that goes by that I do not think about it at least once.  I have learned over time to process these thoughts and not give them the power that they used to hold over me.  I have no intentions to and find myself believing that I have some sort of purpose in helping others navigate mental illness and being able to find some fulfillment in their lives. 

One of the strategies I used to use when some of my days were filled with these thoughts was to find anything to help get me through the day.  If someone had a birthday on the weekend, I would push myself through just to get to the weekend.  If someone was a way on holidays, I would tell myself that I could not take my own life as I would not want to ruin their holiday.  I would even just break the day in to segments.  Ok Shawn, you just have to get to break.  Then after break, I would tell myself that I just needed to get to lunch.  Breaking the day in to manageable sections.  When I went through months where my days were filled with darkness, I would try as hard I fucking could to find anythings that resembled something positive.  Trying to grab on to anything to get me through till the next day. 

I do not have all the answers.  I am not an expert.  I just know that I have lived it.  If you are reading this and maybe you are struggling to get through,  know that I understand what you are going through.  And also know that I am living proof that mental illness in all its many shapes and forms can be managed.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  My life is not perfect and I still have many things to work on but, I am still here. I have been in the darkest of moments and I was able to get to this point.  And now my good days outweigh my bad ones and I have actually been able to find moments of joy in life.  Keep fighting.  You are worth it, you are valuable and people care about you.  The sun eventually comes out after every storm.

I hope this finds you well.  Happy Saturday.  Take care, Shawn.

Our human compassion binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future. Nelson Mandela
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Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.

Desmond Tutu

Our human compassion binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future. Nelson Mandela
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope

Been a While

It has been a very long time since I last wrote in this blog.  I have missed writing immensely.  I love the stroke of the keyboard as I try to filter through my thoughts and write something tangible.

We have been without a computer for the past six months.  We finally committed to purchasing a new one and both Jodi and I are content with our decision.  She has report cards coming up so the timing of it it perfect.

I am not going to write much today as I am extremely tired and need to get ready for bed soon.  As always, routine is so important for me.  I will share some longer posts later in the week.

I will report that I am managing things quite well these days.  I have been finding a healthy balance for the most part in my life.  I take my medications like clock work and am more astute in handling any mood shifts or negative thought patterns.  I have found a counselor that I will be checking in with monthly.  We are working at peeling back some of the layers and getting to the root of some things. I am really enjoying my nights and weekends at home.  I do not concern myself with work matters once I step in the car to drive home.  My time is now my time and it has been a welcome change.

I will fill in the last six months in a little more detail in the next few weeks. 

Hope this finds you well.  Happy Monday.  Take care, Shawn. 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Let's Talk

Today is Bell Let's Talk Day in Canada.  This was an initiative that was started in 2010 by Bell to raise funds for mental health programs but, more importantly to start conversations around mental health.  You would be hard pressed to find anyone that had not been affected by mental health either directly or indirectly in their lives.  Mental health does not discriminate.  It affects both male and female.  It affects people with financial stability and those that may struggle to get by.  It affects every race. It affects people from every religious background. It affects the young and the old.  Mental health connects people from these varying stations in a powerful way.  That is why days like this are so important.

For every text from bell customers, long distance phone call from bell customers, facebook shares and tweet (using #bellletstalk) raises five cents for mental health initiatives in Canada.  More importantly, it helps people share their stories with others and let those that may be struggling in silence know they are truly not alone.

I have lived with bi polar disorder probably since I was 17 or 18 years old.  I always knew something was a little off with my mind but, did not know anything about mental health or bi polar back then.  I just felt different. I did suffer in silence for a very long time and it was not until I learned to share, open up and ask for help that I was able to begin the healing process.  Through the support of my friends, family and my amazing wife, Jodi, I have gotten to a point in my life where I am no longer ashamed.  I have no issue sharing my story with others as I believe that in sharing part of my story helps others that live with mental illness to know that it is ok to not be ok. 

It is important to realize that mental illness does not just affect the person that is living with it but, also those connected to them whether it be friends, family or partners.  My journey through life with bi polar has affected a lot of people along the way and has often put an immense strain on relationships, jobs and physical health.  Today is very important for everyone affected by mental illness, not just those living with it. 

As I am up early this morning watching Milos Raonic attempt to take down one of the greatest tennis players ever in Rafael Nadal, I reflect on how fortunate I am to be here today.  I have had thoughts of ending my life thousands of times over the last twenty plus years but, I am still here.  I was able to find a way to continue fighting, pushing through the darkest of times.  It has not been easy but, I am thankful I am still here.

You are not alone

You are not weak

There is help

There are people that care about you

The light will shine through

You are worth it 

You deserve joy and happiness

Keep fighting 

Shawn

Kindness

I have found myself caught up in the holiday spirit this year.  Not in terms of receiving things but, rather spreading Christmas cheer myself.

As you may know, I have always enjoyed writing.  I used to write many letters when I was younger and also remembered how amazing it was to get one in the mail.  This year, I spent a few days writing holiday cards and letters to those closest to me.  I really wanted to let others know this year that I was thinking of them and that I appreciated their presence in my life.  It helped me realize that I was still connected to a lot of people and that I need to keep those connections alive.

The holidays can be a stressful time for many.  I have learned that giving of ones self with simple acts of kindness can go a long way this time of year.  Showing kindness to someone is free to give but, it goes a lot further than any gift you can buy for someone.

As I have been in the holiday spirit this year, I have been doing some snow blowing and shoveling for others on my street and on my parents streets.  The one morning after a pretty good snowfall, I was at my parents clearing their driveway and back patio.  I saw that our friends Angie and Rob had not cleared their driveway.  I still remember a few years a go, that Rob helped my parents out by doing their driveway.  I decided to clear their driveway that morning, not expecting anything in return.  I was done and was walking the snowblower back to my parents.  I could not hear much but, I guess Angie had come out to talk to me and she ended up following me to my folks place.  She came up to me and thanked me so much for doing their driveway and gave me a big hug.  That moment was a great example of how a simple act can have an amazing impact on people.

There is much negativity and hate in the world at the moment.  It is hard to ignore at times.  But for all that negativity and hate, their is far more people that show kindness and generosity in this world.  Kindness and generosity does not grab the headlines or the front page of the newspaper.  That does not mean it is not out there.  At this point in our world, we need to be sharing those stories more.  People respecting and loving one another for who they are.  For all the evil we face, their is still and always will be, far more good on this planet.  We need to stick together and spread kindness, respect and love around. Our story will have a happy ending and we need to work together to achieve that.

So this holiday season, challenge yourself to spread some kindness around.

A very happy holidays to everyone!!!

Take care,  Shawn.

One love, one heart. Let's get together and feel alright.  
Bob Marley

Kindness is like a boomerang, the more you throw it around, the more it will come back to you.
Unknown

Empowering

I was planning on writing a bit more lately but, our lap top has been on the fritz.  Fortunately I was able to get it working today.

Last week, I had an amazing experience.  My friend Lincoln is a high school teacher.  He mentioned that his class was doing a unit on mental health and so I offered to speak to them about my experience.  He was chatting with his colleague and she asked if I would speak to two of her classes while I was up too.

I decided it was best to go up the night before.  Their first class was at 8:00.  I stayed with Lincoln and his wonderful wife Meghan. We have not really known each other for that long but, I feel as though I have known them for a really long time.  It was so nice to catch up with them and their two boys.  Lincoln and I had some amazing chats.  It was a little different not having Jodi there.  I missed her and Ollie a lot but, I know she supported me with what I was doing.

Now I have never formally talked openly to a group about my story of living with bi polar and two addictions.  I had been nervous for the few days leading up to it but, that washed a way when I went in to the class room.  I knew what I was about to do was important and I have no issue with sharing some of my story.  By sharing with these students, I was hoping to impact them in a positive way and make them realize that it is ok to share feelings and there is no shame in reaching out for help when they need it.

I had prepared well for this.  I had typed out what I wanted to say on four pages.  I also had 6 or 7 cue cards with some key points as well.  I was able to get a sling from my dad, George.  The purpose of the sling was to get the kids to differentiate between physical illness and mental illness.

The first class was grade 11 girls.  I had my sling on. I asked if any of them could tell what was wrong with me.  A few of the girls said that something was wrong with my arm.  I then tore off the sling and threw it to the side. My ploy had worked.  I then told them that there was currently nothing wrong with me physically but, that did not mean that I was not struggling internally. I think I got that point across well to them, that mental illness is not always visible.

I did look down a few times during the first class but, kept my presentation flowing well.  I was happy that I was able to maintain their attention for the duration of my talk.  I made sure to maintain eye contact with all of them and was impressed with their attentiveness.  I think part of it was that my story, was one they wanted to hear.  Having me there talking about mental health and addiction in person made it real.  They had a face to connect with it.

I shared my story with them.  Discussing when I first started showing symptoms in my life, telling them that it was close to their age. I talked about my first major depressive episode and how scary that was.  I talked about my struggle with addiction. I talked about the fact that my illness did not just affect me but, those around me. I shared that things have gotten better.  I shared some of the things that have helped me along the way.  I told them that they should value themselves and never give up on themselves.  I told them that there is always someone that cares about us and that they are never alone.  I told them that there is always some way to find help.  If one door for help shuts, then knock on the next door and do not stop fighting for yourself.  I talked about the importance of building self confidence and learning how to stand up for themselves.  I told them that I had thought about ending my life thousands of times but, have come out the other side because I found a way to fight through and never gave up.  I told them that each of us has great capacity within ourselves to overcome challenges in life.  I told them that I believed part of the reason I have got to this point in life was to be able to share my story with them and help them in their journey.

It was one of the most empowering moments of my life.  I know I connected with them on some level.  The other classes went amazingly well.  There were a few girls that stayed behind to talk to their teacher after I talked.  And one of the guys in Lincoln's class stayed behind after to talk to me as he told me he had a friend who was struggling with depression. 

I drove home that day with a smile on my face.  My story with mental illness and addiction was able to reach out to some young people and affect them positively in some way.  I hope I have another opportunity to speak as I felt quite comfortable doing it.  I want to be able to connect with others and make it easier to share feelings and struggles.  It was a really good day. :)

Enjoy your day.

Never give up hope.  It can get better and it will get better. Keep fighting.

Take care,  Shawn.

7 Years

I recently celebrated 7 years of sobriety.  My last drink was on November 2nd, 2009.  There is no question I would have lost everything if I had not made the choice to abstain from alcohol.  As I have mentioned in the past, I wish I would have never picked up that first drink.  If I had known back then what an intensely addictive personality I had, I would have never touched it.  But how was I to know at such a young age.

I find it interesting when some people say that if they look at their life as a whole, they would not change a thing.  If I could go back, I would change a shit load of things.  Especially when it comes to alcohol consumption.  For the most part, I was often embarrassed and ashamed of who I was when I drank.  I affected others in a negative way with my actions and behavior at times and I will carry those choices with me for the rest of my life.  Yes, I live with bi polar and addictions but, I am still responsible for my own decisions.  I hope that over the last seven years, I have demonstrated that I have the ability to change and that hopefully I will be able to have a positive impact on mental health awareness.

 I know their is a reason I am still alive today but, I often struggle to see it.  I continue to have some very dark days at times but, I have not given up. I will write a blog in the new year that will hopefully shed more light on what I deal with internally on certain days.  I am hoping to find an opportunity to speak to a group.  I think my story may be able to help others in some small way, especially with youth.

I trust you are well.  Have an amazing weekend and Happy Thanksgiving to those down south.

Take care,  Shawn.

Believe in your own ability to overcome challenges along this journey we call life.  S.A

Horrible Mistake

I did watch the coverage of the U.S election night.  As the evening progressed, a sinking feeling came over me.  I could no longer watch and went to bed.  I awoke the next morning hoping I had just had a bad dream.  I did not even know the final results but, there was an uneasiness in the air and I did not even have to check to know what had happened.  It had not been a bad dream, it was a reality.  It was a big joke, that was certainly funny no longer.

The United States had voted in a man who is racist, a sexist, a misogynist, egocentric and who does not have an iota of political experience.  Donald Trump somehow convinced the majority of Americans that someone of his ilk was qualified to run the most powerful nation in the world.  I find it to be a very scary proposition.  The most troubling aspect of his appointment is that so many Americans bought in to his bullshit.  There was no substance to anything he preached.  His victory is disturbing as it exposed the deep rooted racism that still exists in America.  His election rallies could be compared to those of a KKK rally or even a Nazi rally.  I thought the U.S had progressed a little bit in terms of equality for all but, his appointment proves otherwise.  I believe they regressed a hundred years by voting in someone like Donald Trump and it saddens me that so many Americans actually share his view points. 

I will no longer waste any more time in the future writing about this subject.  It is what it is.  The United States made their choice and for them and unfortunately the world, I believe they will find that they made a horrible mistake.

Shawn