Football Season

I wrote about what depression feels like in me the other day.  I had 2 days in a row a week and a half a go where I felt like that.  The pain, the numbness and emptiness.  What I was thankful for during those two days was that I did not really have any suicidal thoughts.  I used to have days like that every day and the suicidal thoughts would be there constantly with me.  That is why when I tell people that I am very fortunate to be here and do not take my life foregranted,  I literally and truly mean it.  I want to write more blogs like that in the winter.  What the depresssion, the raciing thoughts, the mood swings, the mania and other aspects of my mental illness actually feels like.

I the issues when discussing mental health, is the simple fact that many people do not understand it or cannot relate to it.  I love Bell Let's Talk day and what it represents.  But there has always been big pieces missing in their broadcasts.  They talk of depression and anxiety.  But there are so many different levels to mental health.  What does a manic episode look like? What are signs and symtpoms? What does it feel like to be schizophrenic? Why do people feel like dying? What is the diffference between bi polar 1 and bi polar 2? What are some helpful hints as far as help not only living with a mental illness but also for those surrounding them?  I could go on and on and this is just based on my own experience the last 25 years.  My point being is that we really need to look at what is going on the inside to a certain degreee.  So that more people can have a better understanding and will be able to relate more and more importantly may learn how to listen a little better and perhaps help their loved one even just a little bit better.  I am going to try to share more of what things are like inside my brain during severe depression, during hypo mania, during suicidal obsessions, during hypo mania and so forth.  I will start writing more of these in November when I am done work.

Today is the first day of the NFL and I did not watch one down.  My bet free date is still January 27th of this year and damn was I proud of myself today.  I love football as a sport and always have but, the real reason I loved football if I am being honest with myself was because of betting.  This is the first opening weekend that I have not placed a bet in over ten years.  Football would consume 16 Sundays, 16 Sunday nights, 16 Thursday nights and 16 Monday nights all primarily because I wanted to watch because I had wagered on the games.  As I write this, it is such an amazing feeling to be free of that. 

I am determined to get to my year and keep it rolling after that.  Abstinence from gambling almost has become a competition for myself.  The longer I do not gamble, the more I want to keep that streak going.  I refuse to relapse and can never let it be an option for me.  Gambling does not have the hold on me it once did and it can fuck off if it thinks it will ever creep back in.

Truly hope this finds you well.

Take care,  Shawn.

It is a great day to have a great day!!!

Leslie Anne

The Waves

The Waves

Depression sweeps over you

Small waves at first making their way to shore

The Waves get bigger

Covering your body, the depression soaking in

Then the ten footers start 

Crashing over you as you lay helpless on the beach

Consuming you, every inch of your mind, body and soul

You fight off one monstrous wave 

And then another one drives you in to the ground

Not letting you up for air

You feel numb

The only feeling you have is emptiness

You hate feeling this way

You desperately want the ocean to be calm

Please oh please let it be calm 

It does settle eventually

But the waves can last days, weeks or even months

You grasp on to anything to stay afloat

Need some hope, need some hope 

A wise woman once told me even after the greatest of storms

The sun will rise again

That is all I can do

Fight each day to see that crimson light rise over the horizon

And fuck is it worth it

An Astonishing Shift

Well it has been quite some time since I have written.  Jodi has been busy finishing her last kindergarten report cards so I have not used the computer much over the last few months.  I have really missed writing and look forward to doing more of it in the near future.


Since I last wrote,  I have celebrated 4 months abstinence from gambling.  No lottery tickets, no bingo , no poker, no sports betting ...  Absolutely nothing and it feels amazing.

I nearly lost my life in January.  The past four or five months have been very difficult for me and for those closest to me.  But the results of my work have been astounding.  My whole life,  I saw my identity as being somone who lived with bi polar and having addictions.  I could not see outside of that.  I could not find space to dream, to have goals or to allow myself to be loved.  My mind was stuck in a perpetual hamster wheel and there did not seem as though there was any way off of it.
I have had many relapses before and I cannot pinpoint exactly why the experience in Janurary triggered a tsunami of change with my entire mind set.  Perhaps it truly was my rock bottom.  I was tired of my life being attached to bi polar , to an addiction to alchol and to being a compulsive gambler.  I knew something drastic had to happen in the way I approached life or I would end up losing everyone important to me and ultimately my life.

The timing of getting in to the Adapt Program and reconnecting with my counselor at Homewood Health could not have worked out better.  I am very fortunate and thankful to get the help I did in short succession.  And the folks at Here 24/7 were amazing at following up with me.  Not to metnion the amount of people, friends and family, that reached out to me and made me feel like I was not alone.  They helped me believe enough that my life was worth fighting for and that I did have the capacity within myself for this type of change.  Never underestimate the power of a phone call or a message.  It may seem inconsequential at the time but, sometimes somone just needs to know you are thinking of them.

Now my mind is in a place I have never really experienced before.  This is the healthiest my mind has been in over 25 years and I do not take this new lease on life for granted.  It is something of a miracle and I am very proud of myself for the work I have done.  I still have a lot of work to do and I will have to continue to work everyday for my lifetime to maitain stability and a better balance in my life.  I now have hopes, dreams and goals I want to work towards.  My marriage is better, my relationships are better and my work is better.  Gambling had a vice grip on my daily life.  It had put such a huge weight on my shoulders,  living two lives and keeping things from those closest to me.  Now I can tell it to fuck off.  I have seen how much control it had over me.  I see that now because the joy I get out of each day was never there before.  Gambling never allowed me to feel any joy.  It won't control me again.  Relapse is not an option for me anymore.  I see this as my last shot and I refuse to fuck it up.

A big part of finidng a much healthier mind was learning how to love myself.   I have never really been able to do that.  Most of my adult life I was entwined in a cycle of guilt and shame.  Never feeling worthy of anything.  Big part of why suicdial thoughts were so rampant a lot of the time.  I have found the ability to forgive myself.  I constantly lived in the past.  I certainly have made a lot of choices in my life that I am not proud of and wish I could take back.  Decisions I have made have impacted others and that is my biggest regret.  I could never let myselft get past that.  I never had any intentions of hurting anyone with my behaviours, words and actions.  Through talking and reflecting, I have finally allowed myslef to let go.  I can never change the past,  I can only learn from it and work hard to be a much better version of myself.  I can only hope that the man I have now become and through my actions in the future, I can demostrate to those around me and to those who have known me, that I have changed in to someone they can respect and be proud of.  I want my story to have a positive impact on others and I will continue to work to be an example and advocate for others who may be struggling.

I hope this finds you well . A happy fathers day to everyone.

Take care,  Shawn.



Happy, Happy, Happy!!!!!!

Spacing In Beds

It was a relief to write that yesterday.  It was hard for me to do but, I am glad I did.

It seems as though spring is here.  Hopefully we won't seem any more snow.

Looks like next week I will be back at work full time.  I am very grateful for the opportunity to come back and start my 10th season in the landscaping industry.  I really value the quality of people at the place I work and I am going to strive to do my very best to uphold their standards.  I have worked 3 or 4 days already and we actually did a couple clean ups yesterday.  I have already noticed a difference in my mentality.  The work I have put in over the last few months seems to be translating in to work as well and I view the season as an opportunity to continue to challenge myself and work at being in the present moment.

I have had the opportunity to work at a lot of amazing properties over the last ten years.  The one thing that has stood out in terms of existing beds or design is the lack of spacing.  Each plant, shrub and/or tree needs their own space.  For good air flow, access to sun and access to water.  As many of you start either planning out new beds or maintaining existing ones,  try to think in the long term with looking at your landscape.  I have found that their is often things planted very close together, crowding each items chance to flourish and show off their full beauty.  You can look on tags on plants and shrubs at nurseries and they will tell you the growth of the item in full maturity.  So when planting, try to think of what the item you are planting will look like 2 or 3 years down the road in full maturity.  If you are not creating a new bed,  look at your current landscape and consider removing some items or at the very least pruning things back to allow each plant or shrub its own space.  I have seen the benefits of doing this and it makes for a cleaner, tidier look.  And the health of your plants, shrubs and/or trees will thank you.

I have really been trying to take each day as it comes.  The most challenging time of day is at night when my mind still races quite a bit.  That is what the Risperidone helps with.  It can be frustrating and I often say out loud to myself that I just want to sleep.  My mind does race when I first wake up but, it easier to manage.  My mood has been pretty balanced.  I did have a few low days erlier in the week,  ending up in mini-depressions.  Part of that had to do with not being able to start work on Monday due to snow which threw me off a bit.  I still have a lot of work to do in terms of being able to adapt to change.  I find it hard to process when I have an idea of how something will go in my mind and then it changes.  I am getting a little better at adapting but, I will continue to work on that.

My elbow has held up farily well in the few days I have worked.  It is certainly not a 100 per cent but, is manageable.  I dealt with a torn bicep in my left arm for much of a season so I am going to do my best to work through it for the season.  I just have to change the way I work a bit and not push limits the way I normally may.  I did a good job of that yesterdy.  There was two big planters that we had to take a way but they were extremely heavy.  In the past I would have been determined to lift them and take care of that but, made the smart decision to come back antoher time with a dolly.  Small improvements in mind set each day.

The winters are long and spring always gives me a sense of a fresh start.  I am really looking foward to this season as I will not have my addiction as part of my daily life.  I never could truly enjoy what I was doing as my addiction controlled a lot of head space.  I am determined not to let this happen again and I am thankful to everyone who has reached out to me over the last three months to get me where I am today.

Hope this finds you well.  Enjoy your weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.


“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

[Meditations Divine and Moral]” 
― Anne Bradstreet, The Works of Anne Bradstreet

My Truth : Gambling

Phew.  It has been a long time since I've wrote.  It has been quite a journey over the last three months.

On Janurary 9th,  I almost lost my life.  I had a plan in place and was determined to carry it out to take my own life.  If not for Jodi pressing me that night,  I may not be here writing this today.

I have wrote a lot about my journey with bi polar 2 disorder.  Sharing some of the ups and downs and part of what it is like to live with this illness.  In one of my earliest blogs, I mentioned that I had a gambling addiction.  But I did not give it the attention it deserved and left out a lot of my struggle over the years.  I want to help others but, I was only sharing part of my story.

I am a compulsive gambler.  I have struggled with it on and off for twenty years.  It has controlled my life for far too long and over the last three months, I have finally taken steps to address it properly.
I have been abstinent from gambling for over two months now.  The first week was the hardest but, it is getting a little easier to manage cravings.  I went to a week long day program through ADAPT in February and I credit that program for the progress I have made.  I have have been seeing a therapist at homewood the last two months and am in a 6 week program there right not which is once a week.  I also found my own therapist who can help with the complexity of my disorder and addictions.

Gambling made me a dishonest person and that is what I am most ashamed about.  Lying to those closest to me to feed my addiction.  The problem was my gambling addiction and I always thought the solution to that was to gamble.  It was a viscious circle.  I have learned a lot about addiction over the last few months and the affect it has on brain chemistry.  I learned about dopamine and seratonin and how gambling affected those levels in my brain.  I will hopefully go in to more detail of what I learned in a later post.

Since I have stopped betting,  it is amazing to see the amount of radio and television adds focussed on gambling.  I try not to listen too often to them anymore.  They feed on weakness.  They feed on short term pleasure.  The OLG and any other gaming company wants you to believe that you are only one win a way from changing your life. 

It is estimated in Ontario that 2-3 per cent of the population are problem gamblers.  I would surmise that number to be lower than what is reality.  If you polled everyone in Ontario who gambled and you asked them to give an honest summation of their gambling practices,  I would almost guarantee that the percentage of problem gamblers would be greater than 2-3 per cent. 

But still their is advertising every minute of every day pushing the illusion that you are only one bet, one spin, one ticket a way from life changing winnings.  That is a bold lie.  They always show winners on television for OLG adds.  They don't show the devestation gambling can reape.  They don't show people losing their houses, their jobs, their spouses, their self respect, their sense of worth.  They don't show the affect addiction has on not just the gambling addict but, all those around them.  It has a domino affect.  Once the first domino of addction is knocked over,  it topples everything in a persons life.  And even if people such as myself can finally find their way in to recovery,  those dominos can take years to be put back in place.

Gambling Addiction has the highest rate of suicide of any addiction.  So many times I thought of ending my life because of the havoc it reaked on my life.  It makes you lose self respect, self worth and sense of yourself.  It isolates you.  It brings you down in to a very dark place at times.  It is not pleasant as you often feel there is no way out, not solution and no hope.

Yes their are a lot of people who can gamble responsibly.  But I would summise that there are a lot more people like me than the gamblling establishments would like to admit.

It felt good writing this today.  I have been putting it off for a long time.  I miss writing.  And there are so many things I feel compelled to write about.  I want to help others and I am hoping I can speak to groups at some point.  Is something I am working towards. 

I hope this finds you well.  Thanks for listening.  Take care,  Shawn.


The only way to stop your gambling debt, is to STOP gambling!!!!!

Anonymous

Tired

I am tired of my mind being consumed by things I cannot control.  This is not a new issue for me.  I have struggled with this for a very long time.  Picturing worst case scenarios in my mind and letting it control my thought patterns and mood.  It can be so fucking frustrating some days.  I do my best to live with this disorder but,  it can be overwhelming.  It takes a lot of effort on a daily, monthly and yearly basis to manage the unhealthy part of my brain with the healthy part of my brain.  That is why mental health is such a tricky thing.  Others cannot see inside your mind to know what you are dealing with.  And unless you live with a mental disorder,  it extremely difficult to explain to someone else what you are going through.  And as much as others want to be there for you,  I am sure it can be draining to listen to someone like me.  And therein is the paradox of my illness.  I want to reach out for help but, I also do not want to burden anyone else with what I am struggling with.

I am feeling a lot better than I did the other day and simply writing the above paragraph has helped me a little bit.  I do not mean to sound negative and although there are certainly tough days,  I have much to be thankful for.  I have to remind myself of the little joys of life and continue to push through for myself and for those who believe in me.  I need to stop using my mind as a crystal ball and predicting shitty situations for myself and just allow myself to live day by day.  Enjoy participating in life and not simply surviving in it.

I had counseling the other day.  It was positive to reach out to someone and just unload some of what I have been having a hard time with.  I always leave those appointments feeling some optimism and if nothing else, feel like someone has listened to me without judging me.

Jodi and I leaving for our trip in a couple days.  I really want to make this a memorable trip for both of us and I am going to work hard while we are a way to challenge my mind even if I may be having a hard time in certain situations.

Writing is so therapeutic for me.  I do not really know if anyone ever actually reads this but, it helps me to get thoughts down.  If it helps someone along the way,  that would be something I would be proud of.  If I ever had the opportunity to be able to write for a living,  I would take it in a heartbeat.  It has always been my dream.  Who know if it will ever become a reality.

Hope this finds you well.  If I do not write again before I leave,  have a safe and joyous holiday season.  Embrace the time you have with family and friends.

Take care,  Shawn.

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”
― William Faulkner

Spinning Top

When I had my first major depressive episode when I was 21 years old,  the hardest part at the time for me to deal with was racing thoughts.  My mind would go around and around like a spinning top. Except with my mind,  it did not slow down.  I had no fucking clue what was going on and I was not on any medications at the time.  Good thoughts, bad thoughts, bizarre thoughts, past mistakes, self doubt, suicidal thoughts all racing through my head and I had no idea how to slow it down.  I could describe it as something out of the movie, Clockwork Orange,  pretty fucked up.

I had a similar day to that yesterday.  I could not get my mind to slow down.  I take my medications regularly but, there are some days that the bi polar part of my brain seems to take over.  I have been struggling a bit over the last few weeks leading up to yesterday.  Kind of in and out of minor depressions.  Lacking focus and getting out of routine.   

My mind is a lot slower today which I am grateful for.  I feel a little peace within and am going to try to work on a positive mindset for today.

Hope this finds you well.  Seasons Greetings.  Shawn.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mahatma Gandhi