Today was a much better day mentally for me which I am very thankful for. I got an amazing e-mail from a friend and it helped me relax a little bit in terms of starting work again. I know there will be challenges along the way but, I cannot worry about everything that may or may not happen. All I can do is work hard and do the best job I can on a daily basis. Everything else will hopefully take care of itself.
I am going in to do some tree pruning with my boss tomorrow. Will be good to be outside again and haul some branches. I do not do much of the cutting but, I do learn a lot about tree pruning from watching my boss work. Will be a great way to ease back in to it and make a bit of money in the process so I can get my passport renewed for the wedding.
I found out that we got one of our old properties back from a few years a go. I love cutting it with the Deere as you can really make it stand out on the street if you get your lines right. Maybe I will post a picture sometime and you can judge for yourself.
I will miss Smitty a lot but, maybe this will be a good challenge for me personally. I was even looking online last night to see how to prune roses in the spring as it was something that I was not too familiar with. And who knows, maybe Smitty will end up in the truck at some point.
Might check out the Leafs and Bruins tonight. I do not watch much hockey but, it should be a good tilt tonight. I really hope the Leafs can hold on to their play off spot, would be nice to finally watch them make a run at the cup.
Have a good night.
Take care, Shawn.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Anxiety
The last few days have not been very enjoyable for me. I have been going through an abnormal amount of anxiety about the upcoming season. I just found out that Smitty will not be coming back this year. He left it too long and someone else was already hired to replace him. In my head, I had always envisioned that he would be coming back as I have been texting with him for the last month. Smitty and I worked so well together and played of each others strengths. You would be hard pressed to find a better maintenance crew than us and I am so disappointed he is not coming back. I do not do well when plans in my head do not come to fruition and have been struggling immensely for the last few days.
I am worried that I will not be able to handle work without Smitty. I am worried that I will not remember how to get to some places. I am worried I will fuck up and not live up to expectations. I am worried I would not be able to fix something if it broke down. I am worried that our productivity will be down without Smitty and Marcel. I am worried my mind will not be able to handle the changes and break down on me again. I am worried about all aspects of work and I have not even put one day in.
I feel added pressure to succeed as I have to save for Dave's wedding and if I mess things up at work, it would put that in jeopardy. I feel added pressure as I have bills to catch up on and cannot do that unless I succeed in the next few months. I have put the weight of the world on my shoulders which is unfair to myself but, that is how my mind works and I am fucking tired of it. I feel like disappearing but, that will not solve anything.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was having what I imagine were panic or anxiety attacks. I was breathing fast and cried for fifteen minutes or so. I was in a dark place and my thoughts turned to some shitty alternatives. I tried to think of positive things to look forward to which helped a bit. There is my sister and the upcoming birth of my new nephew or niece. I need to be strong for her and try to push through to help them in any way I can in the next few months. I thought of Dave and the upcoming wedding. I want so much to be there and be a good best man. Dave has been a good friend for so long and I do not want to disappoint him. It will be a great vacation for Jodi and I too and I am looking forward to it. Those are two big positive things in life I have tried to hold on to the last few weeks.
I cannot predict the future but, I am hoping that things turn out for the best. I want to be a positive, supportive and productive member of our family and give Jodi and Ollie the man they deserve. I have to try to get out of my own head a bit and give myself a break sometimes. The way I have been processing things has be counter productive. Fortunately, I have a counseling appointment this week so hopefully I can talk some of these issues out and come up with a plan.
Hope this finds you well. Wish I had more of an uplifting blog today but, I had to get some of my thoughts out on this page. Thanks for listening.
Take care, Shawn.
I am worried that I will not be able to handle work without Smitty. I am worried that I will not remember how to get to some places. I am worried I will fuck up and not live up to expectations. I am worried I would not be able to fix something if it broke down. I am worried that our productivity will be down without Smitty and Marcel. I am worried my mind will not be able to handle the changes and break down on me again. I am worried about all aspects of work and I have not even put one day in.
I feel added pressure to succeed as I have to save for Dave's wedding and if I mess things up at work, it would put that in jeopardy. I feel added pressure as I have bills to catch up on and cannot do that unless I succeed in the next few months. I have put the weight of the world on my shoulders which is unfair to myself but, that is how my mind works and I am fucking tired of it. I feel like disappearing but, that will not solve anything.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was having what I imagine were panic or anxiety attacks. I was breathing fast and cried for fifteen minutes or so. I was in a dark place and my thoughts turned to some shitty alternatives. I tried to think of positive things to look forward to which helped a bit. There is my sister and the upcoming birth of my new nephew or niece. I need to be strong for her and try to push through to help them in any way I can in the next few months. I thought of Dave and the upcoming wedding. I want so much to be there and be a good best man. Dave has been a good friend for so long and I do not want to disappoint him. It will be a great vacation for Jodi and I too and I am looking forward to it. Those are two big positive things in life I have tried to hold on to the last few weeks.
I cannot predict the future but, I am hoping that things turn out for the best. I want to be a positive, supportive and productive member of our family and give Jodi and Ollie the man they deserve. I have to try to get out of my own head a bit and give myself a break sometimes. The way I have been processing things has be counter productive. Fortunately, I have a counseling appointment this week so hopefully I can talk some of these issues out and come up with a plan.
Hope this finds you well. Wish I had more of an uplifting blog today but, I had to get some of my thoughts out on this page. Thanks for listening.
Take care, Shawn.
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
Happy Tuesday
I had a first aide course today with my boss down in Guelph. I have probably take first aide and cpr five or six times before but, it was definitely good to do a refresher. You never know when it may become useful, may even save a life one day.
I was at a landscape maintenance course last week in Milton. I learned a lot and am really glad I was fortunate enough to go. There was a tonne of information to take in but, it helped my level of confidence which is a big part of why I wanted to go. The best part was on the Monday when we learned about mechanical shit. I learned more in one day than I have in my entire life about how things run and picked up some great tips. The course made me anxious to get back to work and start shaping some plants again.
I do have some anxiety around going back but, it does not appear to be as bad this time. I know what to expect for the most part and know the majority of our properties. There is the matter of who I will be working with this season. Marcel is not coming back and Smitty is on the fence right now. So I know I will be working with one new guy and if Smitty does not come back, I will have a lot more responsibility which I am pretty nervous about. Those are things that are out of my control though, so I should not worry too much about them right now. I have faith in my own abilities and my work ethic has never been in question. That is all I can control, my own effort. I know shit will create havoc in my mind at times but, I just have to continue to strive for more good days than bad ones. I want to break previous cycles and be better at adapting to situations as they arise. I have to understand that even if someone gets pissed of at me, it is not an attack on my personal character. Shit just happens sometimes.
Jodi is off for March break this week so it has been awesome to have some time together. We have to start making some plans for the wedding soon. We both have to get passports again so we need to start that process in the very near future as July will be here before we know it. Ollie has been doing really well lately. I am sure he is excited about the milder temperatures as it means he gets out for more exercise. Got him a treat for dinner tonight so he was pretty happy with me today.
That is all for now. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Too much stress is something that should be avoided. Take some time for yourself and breathe in some of the simplicity of life.
I was at a landscape maintenance course last week in Milton. I learned a lot and am really glad I was fortunate enough to go. There was a tonne of information to take in but, it helped my level of confidence which is a big part of why I wanted to go. The best part was on the Monday when we learned about mechanical shit. I learned more in one day than I have in my entire life about how things run and picked up some great tips. The course made me anxious to get back to work and start shaping some plants again.
I do have some anxiety around going back but, it does not appear to be as bad this time. I know what to expect for the most part and know the majority of our properties. There is the matter of who I will be working with this season. Marcel is not coming back and Smitty is on the fence right now. So I know I will be working with one new guy and if Smitty does not come back, I will have a lot more responsibility which I am pretty nervous about. Those are things that are out of my control though, so I should not worry too much about them right now. I have faith in my own abilities and my work ethic has never been in question. That is all I can control, my own effort. I know shit will create havoc in my mind at times but, I just have to continue to strive for more good days than bad ones. I want to break previous cycles and be better at adapting to situations as they arise. I have to understand that even if someone gets pissed of at me, it is not an attack on my personal character. Shit just happens sometimes.
Jodi is off for March break this week so it has been awesome to have some time together. We have to start making some plans for the wedding soon. We both have to get passports again so we need to start that process in the very near future as July will be here before we know it. Ollie has been doing really well lately. I am sure he is excited about the milder temperatures as it means he gets out for more exercise. Got him a treat for dinner tonight so he was pretty happy with me today.
That is all for now. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Too much stress is something that should be avoided. Take some time for yourself and breathe in some of the simplicity of life.
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
A Special Moment
Just wanted to share this video with you today.
http://youtu.be/pV4Gp-YcwlY
Just highlight this, right click it and then open link.
It will definitely make your day. Wish there was more stories like this in life.
Happy Tuesday. Take care, Shawn.
http://youtu.be/pV4Gp-YcwlY
Just highlight this, right click it and then open link.
It will definitely make your day. Wish there was more stories like this in life.
Happy Tuesday. Take care, Shawn.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Dog Park
I took Ollie to the dog park today with great hesitation. It has been over a year since I last took him there as he was attacked a few times by aggressive dogs. Ollie is a very passive dog and aggressive dogs sense that and see it as weakness. Ollie has the size to defend himself but, he has not quite figured that out yet. I kept him on leash there today just to get him accustomed to it again. A few dogs came up to him and he is still skittish around them. I was nervous too as Ollie means the world to me and did not want anything to happen to him. I think I will see if we can start with some play dates with individual dogs before I perhaps take him to the the dog park again. There was almost fifteen dogs there today which was not conducive to easing him back in to it.
I do not have much planned this week but, am feeling fairly positive about things. I started running at the gym today again which helped boost my energy a bit. I was having trouble motivating myself over the last week to get to the gym so today was a good step. I am playing in a co-ed volleyball tournament this Saturday which should be fun. It costs forty bucks which is a bit more than I would like to spend on a tournament but, I will be seeing a lot of people we know so it should be worth it. I normally do not enjoy indoor co-ed volleyball but, think this will be a good experience.
I start my landscape maintenance course next week which is very exciting. It means my week is fully booked and I will learn some cool shit in the process. It also means than I will be one week closer to spring and getting back to work. I am so glad that I made the decision to go back this year and I hope I will see a familiar face, Smitty, when April 1rst rolls around. I do have apprehensions but, that is natural. It is a difficult transition after being off but, I am looking forward to a smoother one this time around.
Not much planned for tonight other than watching The Following on CTV. We have watched it from the beginning and are now hooked on the show. I believe the Leafs and Raptors play tonight too so will be checking in on them as well. I am really hoping the Raps find a way in to the play offs. They are such an exciting team to watch and am proud of the grit they are playing with these days.
Happy Monday. Take care, Shawn.
If politicians spent more time representing the people and less time spewing rhetoric, the country would be in much better shape.
I do not have much planned this week but, am feeling fairly positive about things. I started running at the gym today again which helped boost my energy a bit. I was having trouble motivating myself over the last week to get to the gym so today was a good step. I am playing in a co-ed volleyball tournament this Saturday which should be fun. It costs forty bucks which is a bit more than I would like to spend on a tournament but, I will be seeing a lot of people we know so it should be worth it. I normally do not enjoy indoor co-ed volleyball but, think this will be a good experience.
I start my landscape maintenance course next week which is very exciting. It means my week is fully booked and I will learn some cool shit in the process. It also means than I will be one week closer to spring and getting back to work. I am so glad that I made the decision to go back this year and I hope I will see a familiar face, Smitty, when April 1rst rolls around. I do have apprehensions but, that is natural. It is a difficult transition after being off but, I am looking forward to a smoother one this time around.
Not much planned for tonight other than watching The Following on CTV. We have watched it from the beginning and are now hooked on the show. I believe the Leafs and Raptors play tonight too so will be checking in on them as well. I am really hoping the Raps find a way in to the play offs. They are such an exciting team to watch and am proud of the grit they are playing with these days.
Happy Monday. Take care, Shawn.
If politicians spent more time representing the people and less time spewing rhetoric, the country would be in much better shape.
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Anything is Possible
I was up till one in the morning last night. I was watching the Canada West semi-final between Trinity Western and UBC. I obviously have a bias towards the Spartans as my brother Ryan is the assistant coach. They are the defending CIS champions but, have had struggles at points in the season this year. I watched UBC play last weekend and knew the Spartans would be in for a tough test.
UBC got out to a 2-0 lead and things looked pretty dire for Trinity. They bounced back in the third and handled UBC with ease in the set. The fourth was where things got interesting. The Thunderbirds came out roaring and were in complete control of the set and looked primed to be playing in the final tonight. At one point, they were up 16-11 and I had written the boys off. I was texting with my sister in law Deb and she never lost faith, said she had not given up on them yet. Well low and behold, they inched their way back in to the set and ended up winning 26-24. Game on.
The fifth set was a back and forth battle and had me on the edge of my seat. There was a lot of drama and some controversial calls. I thought Trinity had won the match twice and the Thunderbirds once. It was really hard to tell what was going on amidst all the chaos. Trinity stayed focused and squeezed out a 17-15 triumph and booked their ticket to the Canada West finals and a spot at nationals.
Last night proved something to me, anything is possible. The way that fourth set was going, there was no way Trinity should have come out on top. I had given up but, the boys stayed together and refused to go a way without a fight. They clawed their way back in to the match and played some inspired volleyball. I am so proud of their determination and I learned a valuable lesson, nothing is over till its over. That can be applied to anything in life, keep pushing through because you never know how things will unfold if you are determined enough.
Jodi is making some soup for dinner, smells awesome. Staying in again tonight to watch some hockey and then the Canada West finals. Go Spartans!!!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Take care, Shawn.
UBC got out to a 2-0 lead and things looked pretty dire for Trinity. They bounced back in the third and handled UBC with ease in the set. The fourth was where things got interesting. The Thunderbirds came out roaring and were in complete control of the set and looked primed to be playing in the final tonight. At one point, they were up 16-11 and I had written the boys off. I was texting with my sister in law Deb and she never lost faith, said she had not given up on them yet. Well low and behold, they inched their way back in to the set and ended up winning 26-24. Game on.
The fifth set was a back and forth battle and had me on the edge of my seat. There was a lot of drama and some controversial calls. I thought Trinity had won the match twice and the Thunderbirds once. It was really hard to tell what was going on amidst all the chaos. Trinity stayed focused and squeezed out a 17-15 triumph and booked their ticket to the Canada West finals and a spot at nationals.
Last night proved something to me, anything is possible. The way that fourth set was going, there was no way Trinity should have come out on top. I had given up but, the boys stayed together and refused to go a way without a fight. They clawed their way back in to the match and played some inspired volleyball. I am so proud of their determination and I learned a valuable lesson, nothing is over till its over. That can be applied to anything in life, keep pushing through because you never know how things will unfold if you are determined enough.
Jodi is making some soup for dinner, smells awesome. Staying in again tonight to watch some hockey and then the Canada West finals. Go Spartans!!!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Friday, 22 February 2013
Spring is Near
I made a decision today about my plans for the spring. I am going back to work for the same company for a third season. I was already leaning that way and then they offered to enroll me in a landscape maintenance course in March to learn some more skills. I wrote back and said I was in for another season. I am really looking forward to the course and feel I will learn a lot about some things I am not as confident with. I am relieved that I was able to make the decision today so I can focus on mentally preparing for the eight month season. I know all the properties, am comfortable with most jobs and feel landscaping is something I can excel at. There will be challenges mentally for me with any job and it gives me great comfort going back to familiar territory.
I have been back to Homewood in Guelph the last few weeks. I started seeing an amazing addictions counselor and am excited about sharing some thoughts with a professional again. I realized recently that I have been talking the talk and not walking the walk. I have been letting old habits creep in over the last year and it was time for me to get my shit together. This is my third addictions counselor at Homewood and I have had success with each one I have seen. They are really good at what they do and have all made me feel comfortable in a therapeutic setting. As I have mentioned in an earlier blog, addictive behaviour is often connected to bi-polar disorder. It becomes frustrating dealing with mental struggles and addictive tendencies all at once but, I am more confident now that I can find a good balance in my life. Talking to a professional is important for me as it is not fair to family and friends to be responsible for all of my supports. I have to take more initiative in being my own ambassador and putting things in place to help me succeed in daily life.
We are in for the night getting ready to watch the Trinity Western Spartans go for another Canada West Title. Western just beat Waterloo in the OUA semi-finals and have booked their ticket to nationals. Watching makes me wish I was still playing, maybe I can find a tournament or two before the end of the year.
Have a great weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Find the simple pleasures in every day life.
I have been back to Homewood in Guelph the last few weeks. I started seeing an amazing addictions counselor and am excited about sharing some thoughts with a professional again. I realized recently that I have been talking the talk and not walking the walk. I have been letting old habits creep in over the last year and it was time for me to get my shit together. This is my third addictions counselor at Homewood and I have had success with each one I have seen. They are really good at what they do and have all made me feel comfortable in a therapeutic setting. As I have mentioned in an earlier blog, addictive behaviour is often connected to bi-polar disorder. It becomes frustrating dealing with mental struggles and addictive tendencies all at once but, I am more confident now that I can find a good balance in my life. Talking to a professional is important for me as it is not fair to family and friends to be responsible for all of my supports. I have to take more initiative in being my own ambassador and putting things in place to help me succeed in daily life.
We are in for the night getting ready to watch the Trinity Western Spartans go for another Canada West Title. Western just beat Waterloo in the OUA semi-finals and have booked their ticket to nationals. Watching makes me wish I was still playing, maybe I can find a tournament or two before the end of the year.
Have a great weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Find the simple pleasures in every day life.
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