Monday Monday

Today I was not happy or sad,  I just was.  I managed to get through the day and even got off a bit early which was a really nice way to start the week.  I definitely was not as efficient as I normally am.  Things just seemed to take me longer than normal this morning.  I also got lost on the way to aerate a property I had never been to.  The GPS took me the wrong way and I was pretty frustrated.  I relaxed a little once I realized there was not much I could do about it at the time. The job got done and I know for next time.

I tweaked my back a little on Friday and started feeling some sharp pain on the lower right side on Saturday.  Has not loosened up yet and that was part of the reason I was done a bit early today.  I wanted to get in to see someone and managed to book an appointment tonight.  Our physiotherapy clinic is awesome and I know I will feel much better after they do some adjusting.  Our regular therapist, Anne, has been off for quite some time now with some serious medical issues.  We really miss her as she is such a great person and always takes good care of Jodi and I.  Hope she recovers soon.

I have three positive things to look forward to this week.  Tomorrow night,  we are meeting Dave and Meghan for wings.  We have not seen them since the wedding so it will be awesome to catch up.  I am going to the Landscape Ontario meeting near Cambridge on Wednesday night with my boss.  It should be a good meeting and I always enjoy chatting with my boss outside of work.  This weekend,  I will get to see my niece and nephew and catch up with the Chapman's.  I have not been able to hold Micah for quite some time as I was sick the last two times we have seen them.  Cannot wait to hold her in my arms and see how much she has grown.  Looking forward to hearing how Elias is enjoying school and spending some quality time with Leslie and Bart.  So if I get the downzies in the next few days,  I just have to remind myself of all the wonderful things coming up this week.

Happy Monday.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

Sunday

I took Ollie for a walk tonight and cried again.  I spent much of the afternoon today worrying about tomorrow when I should have nothing to worry about.  We had a great week last week and my boss was able to enjoy the three days he spent a way with some friends.  I really need to find somehow to correct this trend as I spend way too much time worrying about what the new week may or may not look like.  I make some mistakes along the way but,  more times than not, I do a good job.  I have overcome many obstacles and have done an effective job in a leadership role and need to remind myself of that more often.

I really should be seeing a therapist on a regular basis to process my thoughts but, there is not really the time during the season.  It is not fair to put all my mental strains on Jodi and I need to talk to a professional to help alleviate some of my struggles.  I really hope the next two months fly by so I can start back with my counselor from last winter.

I am proud of myself for pushing through this year.  It would have been easy to give up and let situations affect my success.  I have been drained physically and mentally but, pushed through.  I have been near my breaking point but, somehow found a way to fight my way to this point.  I sprained my ankle but, only missed one day.  I did not take a mental health day again this year although I am sure there were times when I needed one.  There are so many positives to hold on to and I need to mindful of those and deter negative thought processes.

I love being happy.  I love to smile. I love to laugh.  I love to share joy with others.  I have been missing those the last few weekends and need to find them again.  Jodi needs me to be strong and enjoy the down time we have together.  Ollie needs me to be a good companion to him and reciprocate the love that he shows me every day.

I hope you have a good week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Hope is not lost if we can hold on to the small triumphs in life. 

Happy Happy Happy

Well I happy to say that today went amazingly well.  I was still struggling this morning but,  my worry was quickly put to rest. All the anxiety I had created within my mind was again proven pointless.  I need to use past successes to help me realize that worrying serves no purpose.  No one created my mental strain other than myself.  My boss did want to talk to me about a pruning job I did.  I guess the customer was a little disappointed with my work.  He just wanted to point out a few things that need improvement.  I am very good at pruning but, if I want to be great, I need to take care of the little things better.  At times,  I have rushed and not payed attention to things like making sure the plant is cleaned out.  I will make every effort to improve and will continue to learn.

I was having some thoughts of suicide yesterday but, a day like today continues to show me that life is worth living.  It was a beautiful day as the sun was shining bright and the fall colours on the trees were in full affect.  I was able to work on a fairly big hedge and enjoyed the challenge.  The customer we worked for was so nice and she was really pleased with what we did.  She even commented on how hard we work which was good to hear.  My boss dropped of a coffee for us which I really appreciated.  I was getting a little tired so a little pick me up definitely hit the spot.

I do not mention my suicidal thoughts lightly.  I am just trying to be honest and let you in to part of my journey with bi-polar.  I do not choose to have those thoughts and would rather they did not come at all.  I have so many positive things to live for but,  at times,  those positives seem to have no relevance in my mind.  They certainly do not come as often which I am thankful for.  The healthier my mind becomes,  the less they seem to appear.  I just have to push through some harder moments and continue to remember how far I have come.

I was going to watch the football game but,  think I will just catch the Jays game.  Baseball is almost over and I am certain the Broncos will make quick work of the Raiders.  Was awesome to see Jodi and Ollie tonight.  I really missed them today and am looking forward to relaxing as a family tonight.

All the best in the upcoming week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Be kind to one another.

The Weekend Blues

I have not had a good weekend.  I have been anxious and worrying about tomorrow the last two days.  My mind has been racing and I cried again tonight as I am simply drained from mental unrest.  This all started Friday after work.  We finished forty five minutes early and I did not drop one of the machines off.  Now I am sure these two factors are of no consequence but,  I did not get a chance to double check.  I even sat in my car for twenty minutes and drove to a couple of properties to make sure I had made a reasonable call but, I did not get a chance to talk to my boss.

No one has said or done anything to me but, I have created so many scenarios in my mind.  I turn something small in to an immense struggle and it frustrates me.  I do not want to think like this and would much rather enjoy my time off with Jodi.  It must be hard for Jodi when I sink in to these depressions and she tries admirably to cheer me up and I do not make an effort to change my mindset.  If history has proven anything to me,  tomorrow will probably come and I will end up having a good day.  I could certainly do without the anguish leading up to it though.

We watched Tom Brady visit with an 18 year old make a wish patient today on NFL Countdown.  The young man had a rare heart condition and his prognosis is not very positive.  He walks around with a bag around his neck in order to take the medication he needs to survive.  This 18 year old was not bitter and did not feel sorry for himself.  He had a positive outlook and said something to the affect that God only puts the strongest people through the most difficult things.  I often ask God myself why he puts challenges before me when I seem to be heading in the right direction.  Perhaps he believes I am strong enough for it but,  at times I am not sure I am.  I often feel like giving up.  Tomorrow, I feel like hiding from the world curled up in our bed.

Take care,  Shawn.

Just because the anguish in a persons mind is not visible,  does not mean that it does not exist.

The Zone

I have been in a zone this week.  Everything has gone smoothly and I have been determined not to let things phase me as much.  Hitters in baseball often say that when they are in a zone,  the ball just looks so much bigger.  It has been similar for me at work this week.  Many of our big properties have seemed like small ones and have not overwhelmed me in the slightest.  I have also been a trimming machine and have carried a quiet confidence with me each day.  I did have the downzies for a brief time at one of our properties as I think the pace I set caught up with me a bit and just felt exhausted.  Normally in the past when I get the downzies,  they seem to control the outcome of the rest of my day.  They did not last long and I was able to finish the day strong and have a good night at home.  I did get pretty frustrated on Monday as we were doing a job that I was not too familiar with.  We were setting a new drainage pipe and I was having a difficult time for parts of the day.  I felt like a dumb ass when I did not have the measuring stick extended properly and my boss had to take his measurements over again.  I envy my boss as he knows so much about every aspect of landscaping and excels at whatever project he takes on.  I did learn a lot that day though and was proud of myself for pushing through.

I am watching the Eagles and Chiefs game tonight.  I have Vick in fantasy football and am hoping he lights it up again this week.  Should be an entertaining game and I have a feeling there will not be a shortage of scoring.  I love being involved in fantasy leagues as they are a good distraction for me.  They also help keep my competitive juices flowing as I do not play too many sports these days.

We have six more weeks left of grass cutting.  I am anxious to start fall clean ups.  The end of the season is so close and I am hoping the next two months fly by.  My body definitely needs some down time and I am looking forward to starting with my counselor again.  She is easy to talk to and am looking forward to letting her know how things have been going for me.  I have been off the last two years in time for American thanksgiving which I loved as I could catch the NFL games on the Thursday.  I have a feeling I may have to work longer than that but,  I guess time will tell.  I know I will certainly be excited when that last day comes and I can drive home thinking all I have accomplished this year.

I think part of my success over the last few months has been controlling my thoughts with better consistency.  My mind was sick for a long time and it has come a long way.  The problem in years gone by is that I gave my thoughts too much power.  If something messed up crossed my mind,  I would dwell on it and let it affect me.  Now I try to view thoughts as being transparent.  I attempt to let them just flow in one side of my head and out the other.  I have had every thought imaginable in my grey matter and it was difficult to separate the healthy mind from the sick mind at times.  I now know that my thoughts do not have to mean anything.  With having bi-polar 2,  I am going to have many thoughts that are not "normal" but, that does not mean I have to give them any value in terms of who I am as a person.  I know I am a good person and have changed dramatically over the last five years.  Yes,  I have made mistakes but,  I am moving forward with a new outlook on life in general. 

Hope this finds you well.  Have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

Peace is found within.