Great Day

I have been contemplating taking my DZ license for quite a while now and the first thing I did when I got up was make some inquiries.  I found a four week course at Humber College and there happens to be a course starting next week.  The cost is high but, I will have some much needed help in order to cover those costs.  I just need to do it and stop just thinking about it.  I may end up staying in the landscaping industry but, it would be another positive thing on my resume.  It may open up some year round opportunities or enable me to drive snow plows during the winter when I am off.  I realized the other day that I need to start making my own opportunities and stop waiting for them to happen.  I need to start putting some of my ideas in motion and work towards goals for myself.

Today was a really good day.  It was one of the best days I have had in the last few months.  Not only did I finally take some steps towards my DZ but, had my best work out of the year.  My body had finally recovered from the tree work so I was able to push myself a little harder.  My left bicep still bothers me from the summer at times but, it is manageable.

My mind was clear and my thoughts were at rest.  Just a nice, relaxing and positive day.  I need to appreciate these days as who knows what tomorrow will bring.  I was able to look ahead to the next few months with enthusiasm and not obsess over negative outcomes.  When I have days like these, it makes me forget my bi-polar disorder.  It allows me to focus on constructive thoughts and not the other shit my mind deals with.  I know the disorder is right below the surface so I need to remain proactive even on good days.  My physician always warns me to pay even closer attention when I am feeling really good.

I was talking to my sister the other day to catch up a bit.  They are busy with many things and Bart even has put in an ice rink.  Can't wait to try it out.  Les was asking how I was doing and I explained that I had a few off days in the week but, not too bad.  What I have realized now is that the good days have come full circle and have definitely outweighed the bad ones over the last few years.  If you had asked me averages five years a go, it would have been 75% down/depressed days and 25% good ones.  Now I would say those percentages are the complete opposite with 75% good days and 25% down/depressed days.  So I have come a long way and need to remember that when I am thinking negatively about myself.

The other thing I have realized is that bouts of depression last smaller duration's of time.  Sometimes even lasting just a few hours and not an entire day.  I can remember when deep depressive episodes could last days, weeks and even months.  Those were times I could soon forget and am happy to be making some strides to more consistent mental stability.

As I have mentioned in earlier blogs,  I try to find good things to look forward too.  When I have positive things to look forwards to, it helps me push through the days I struggle.  I have forgotten to do this recently and need to start applying it more often.  So the positive things I am looking forward to in the next while are; My Sister's Birthday, Valentines Day and of course, the Super Bowl.  It may seem like a silly strategy but, it has helped me in some of my lowest moments.

I was pleased to receive an e-mail back from Wendy Williamson, the Author of I'm Not Crazy Just Bipolar.  I wrote her yesterday to thank her for writing her book and that I really enjoyed it.  She is in the process of writing again so I was thankful that she took the time to write.  I will definitely check out any of her future literary endeavors.

Ready for a relaxing night at home.  Maybe watch some college hoops.  Jodi is trying to do some report cards so I envision a coffee run soon.

Take care,  Shawn.



 “One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking

What I love

What I love

I love my wife. 

 I love my dog. 

 I love my family. 

 I love my friends. 

I love the sunrise.  

I love laughing. 

 I love to smile. 

 I love good people. 

I love the smell of freshly cut grass.

I love shaping plants.

I love cutting the perfect line.

I love when the light shines through the darkness.

I love hope.

I love joy.

I love the sun.

I love the water.

I love seeing people triumph over great adversity.

I love good books.

I love a good story.

I love pizza.

I love good documentaries.

I love chicken wings.

I love a good joke.

I love the sunset.

I love boats.

I love the mountains.

I love football.

I love overcoming obstacles.

I love the people who have helped me.

I love life.

I need to love myself.

Shawn

I'm Not Crazy - Just Bipolar

I just finished reading I'm Not Crazy Just Biplar by Wendy Williamson. It is a memoir of her life and her journey with bipolar disorder.  It was a wonderful read and I loved the way in which she wrote the book.  She held nothing back and I was captivated by her story.  I highly recommend reading this book.  It will inspire those who may struggle with mental health and give some insight to those who do not.

I helped my boss last Thursday with some tree work.  There is so much damage to clean up still from the ice storm in December.  The amount of work to still do is daunting.  I had a really good day helping him out.  It was stress free which is a good thing for me.  I do not handle stress too well at times.  I am in good shape but, not work shape.  I was pretty sore the next day.  My boss is pretty damn good with a chain saw and I learn a lot just watching him at work.  I enjoy working with a saw and the smell of freshly cut wood.  I have contemplated being an arborist and have inquired with a few companies.  Tree work often is year round which is something I am looking for to help us financially.

We went out for dinner on Thursday night with Dave and Megs as they were passing through.  We had a wonderful time catching up and hearing about what was new in their lives.  I did enjoy it but, part of me was thrown off.  I did have a little bit of money and it felt good to be able to pay for our own bill.

I spiraled in to a deep depression on Friday.  I was really off and was zoned out for much of the day.  I had such a good day on Thursday but, it does not take much for my mood to flip drastically.  I believe spending what little money I had on dinner threw me for a loop.  Part of it was jealousy if I am being honest.  All my friends seem to have it all figured out.  Good paying jobs, good business interests, good investments and financial stability.  I know I should not think like that as I have certainly had some hindrances to my ability to maintain some form of financial stability.  I should be proud of where I am and what contributions I do make to our family.  Friday just happened to be an off day and all I could think about was being a failure in life and that things would never get better. 

As history has proven to me,  things are never as bad as I make them out in my head.  I woke up on Saturday feeling much better about life and made my way to the gym in the morning.  I was still pretty sore from the tree work but, manged to get in a descent work out.  I spent much of the afternoon reading the book and it helped pick me up.  You can always find inspiration in others when your own seems to be fleeting in the moment.

Heading to our friends Julie and Scott to watch the AFC championship game this afternoon.  It should be an awesome game.  Brady and Manning should put on quite a show.  I have followed their careers since they came in to the league and have a great amount of respect and admiration for the way in which they carry themselves on and off the field.  The game I am actually looking forward to the most is the Niners at the Seahawks.  Two of the best defenses face off in what should be a hard fought battle.  I have to lean towards the Niners even in Seattle.  They have just played so well the last two months and have had the play off experience from last year.  Should be a good day of football.

Hope this finds you in good spirits.  Have a great week. Take care,  Shawn.


“In the depth a light will grow,
A silver shine no shadows know,
Like wings unfolding in the sky,
That circle 'round a gleaming eye,
Turning darkness all away,
Even depths will know their day,
For every shadow has its end,
In light!
Life will return again!”
― Robert Fanney

New Day

Today I woke up feeling much better than yesterday.  My mind was clear and I had a fresh outlook on things.  It was unfortunate that I had the downzies in the morning of my birthday but, it comes with the territory.  There are going to be some shitty days but, I just have to remind myself how far I have come.  It is easy to get discouraged when my thoughts and moods affect my state of mind so frequently.  I have to continue to press on and hopefully each new year will get a little easier to manage challenges along the way.

It is a beautiful day here today.  It is actually fairly mild and is a great opportunity to take Ollie for a play at the arena.  It took me a long time to be able to let him off leash there.  I still remember it taking long periods of time to get him to come back to the car.  There was once a cold winters day where he did not come back for an hour.  Man was I pissed with him.  I started to realize that I needed to be patient and not chase after him.  Eventually he started to come to the car in a more timely manner.  He still is a bit of a monkey at times but, he has come a long way.

I am going to attempt to run a little bit longer at the gym today.  My legs are pretty sore from squats yesterday but, want to push myself a little longer every time out.  I always feel better after I am done a work out and am really looking forward to it today.

Bell Let's Talk day is coming up on January 28th.  It is an initiative that has been going on for the last few years.  It is a day to spread the word on mental health issues and break some of the stigmas attached to those who live with a variety of disorders.  It is one of my favourite days of the year and I enjoy hearing the stories of others.  It makes me feel connected to them and it feels comforting to know that there is someone else that understands some of what I have experienced.  If you are a bell customer, please text and call as much as you can on that day.  Bell donates 5 cents from every text and call on that day to mental health initiatives.  They have raised a lot of money so far and hopefully this year will be the best year yet.

Have a great day.  Take care, Shawn.


 “Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what it says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees before it, and it laughs.”
― Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

38

Today I turned 38 years old.  Hard to believe that so many years have come and gone.  I had the birthday blues this morning and a little case of the downzies.  I spent part of the morning crying in bed, not wanting to talk to anyone.  I just started thinking of what another year of life would be like.  I put so much effort in to getting through each year and it concerns me that I will continue to fight through the same shit again.  I can accept that I have bi-polar but, I do not have to embrace it at times.  It can be an immense struggle and I find it difficult to continually deal with what the disorder entails.

My birthday did get better and was able to enjoy the later stages of the day.  I got some very nice birthday messages and was able to connect with my family and different points of the day.  Jodi and I went to my parents for dinner and were treated to some delicious ribs.  My mom even made a lemon meringue pie which was excellent.

Jodi ordered me a couple books for my birthday.  One is a book about a woman's journey with bi-polar and the other is Walking Home From Mongolia by Rob Lilwall.  I pre-ordered Rob's book so I will not get it for a while but, am really anxious to start reading about his adventure.

I am watching the Kansas vs Iowa State state game right now.  Cannot wait to see Andrew Wiggans in the pros.  Would be nice is the Raptors could someone manage to land him but, does not appear that will happen.  The Raps have been on a roll lately and look poised to make the play offs for the first time in years.

Have a good week.  Take care,  Shawn.


“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that's why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that's why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.”
― Alysha Speer

Beautiful Day

I was a little bit off yesterday as my mind seemed to be all over the place.  I was not feeling down but, my thoughts seemed to be drifting around a bit.  I had some anxiety and fear about what life had in store for me.  I was thinking about the spring and what may or may not lay ahead.  I was thinking about this house and perhaps having to move out in the months to come.  My birthday is coming up and I think yesterday was somewhat natural.  Perhaps it was just some self reflection on the verge of turning 38.  I felt better after I visited the chiropodist in the afternoon to have the bottom of my foot taken care of.  She is quite good at what she does and is very pleasant to interact with.  I left there feeling good.

I was able to get a gym membership yesterday and began my quest to be trim again.  I went in the morning and spent about a half hour there.  I find it best to ease in to work outs and not take on too much too soon, gradually building strength and stamina as the weeks pass by.  I felt amazing afterwards and was able to have a productive and positive day.  Can't wait to go back tomorrow.

I go to SNAP fitness and really enjoy it there.  That is the place where I began a personal transformation about five years a go.  I was on disability at the time and was at least fifty pounds over weight probably coming in around 280.  I got like that as I simply did not care about my personal appearance the last few years I worked at the school board.  I had been so miserable and put no effort in to exercise and diet.  I drank pop like it came out of a fountain and could feel the sugar weighing me down.  It was probably June and I decided to get a gym membership.  I started going 6 days a week for probably three months.  Ollie had come in to our lives around that time and certainly helped me stay motivated.  I lost 50 pounds in that three months and I noticed a huge boost to my mental state of mind.  I felt like doing things and not hiding a way from life.  I was proud of myself and my new level of fitness was evident in changes to my personality.  I highly recommend physical activity when facing challenges with mental health.  It certainly benefited me.

It was a beautiful day today and it was nice to have a break from the frigid temperatures we have been facing.  I believe it is actually going to be above the freezing mark for the next few days.  And we are getting a fair amount of rain on Saturday which hopefully will melt the layer of ice and snow on our driveway.

Looking forward to watching some college hoops tonight.  Arizona at UCLA should be a great game and I am going to try to stay up to watch it.  The Chapmans have landed in Vancouver and are spending some time with Ry, Deb and Rylen.  Cannot wait to see them and hear all about their trip.  Safe travels home guys.

That is all for me tonight, hope this finds you in good spirits.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Bi-Polar Two Disorder

What Is Bipolar II Disorder?

Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.

However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.

A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from.

In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives.

Who Is at Risk for Bipolar II Disorder?

Virtually anyone can develop bipolar II disorder. About 2.5% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of bipolar disorder – nearly 6 million people.

Most people are in their teens or early 20s when symptoms of bipolar disorder first start. Nearly everyone with bipolar II disorder develops it before age 50. People with an immediate family member who have bipolar are at higher risk.

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar II Disorder?

During a hypomanic episode, elevated mood can manifest itself as either euphoria (feeling "high") or as irritability.

Symptoms during hypomanic episodes include:

• Flying suddenly from one idea to the next
• Rapid, "pressured," and loud speech
• Increased energy, with hyperactivity and a decreased need for sleep

People experiencing hypomanic episodes are often quite pleasant to be around. They can often seem like the "life of the party" -- making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood.

What's so bad about that, you might ask? Hypomania can also lead to erratic and unhealthy behavior. People in hypomanic episodes might spend money they don't have, seek out sex with people they normally wouldn't, and engage in other impulsive or risky behaviors.

Also, the vast majority of people with bipolar II disorder experience significant depressive episodes. These can occur soon after hypomania subsides, or much later. Some people cycle back and forth between hypomania and depression, while others have long periods of normal mood in between episodes.

Untreated, an episode of hypomania can last anywhere from a few days to several months. Most commonly, symptoms continue for a few weeks to a few months.

Depressive episodes in bipolar II disorder are similar to "regular" clinical depression, with depressed mood, loss of pleasure, low energy and activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. Depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder can last weeks, months, or rarely years.

What Are the Treatments for Bipolar II Disorder?

Hypomania often masquerades as happiness and relentless optimism. When hypomania is not causing unhealthy behavior, it often may go unnoticed and therefore remain untreated. This is in contrast to true mania, which by definition causes problems in functioning and requires treatment with medications.

People with bipolar II disorder can benefit from preventive drugs that level out moods over the long term. These prevent the negative consequences of hypomania, and also help to prevent episodes of depression.

 Mood Stabilizers

Lithium: This simple metal in pill form is highly effective at controlling mood swings (particularly highs) in bipolar disorder. Lithium has been used for more than 60 years to treat bipolar disorder. Lithium can take weeks to work fully, making it better for long-term treatment than for acute hypomanic episodes. Blood levels of lithium and other laboratory tests (such as kidney and thyroid functioning) must be monitored periodically to avoid side effects.

Depakote: This antiseizure drug also works to level out moods. It has a more rapid onset of action than lithium, and it can also be used for prevention.

Lamictal: This drug is approved by the FDA for the maintenance treatment of adults with bipolar disorder. It has been found to help delay bouts of mood episodes of depression, mania, hypomania (a milder form of mania), and mixed episodes in people being treated with standard therapy.

Some other antiseizure medications, such as Tegretol and Trileptal are also sometimes prescribed.

Antipsychotics

By definition, hypomanic episodes do not involve psychosis and do not interfere with functioning.  Antipsychotic drugs, such as Abilify, Risperdal, Seroquel and others, are nevertheless sometimes used in hypomania and some (notably, Seroquel) are used for depression in bipolar II disorder.

Benzodiazepines

This class of drugs includes Xanax, Ativan, and Valium and is commonly referred to as tranquilizers. They are used for short-term control of acute symptoms associated with hypomania such as insomnia or agitation.

Antidepressants

Seroquel and Seroquel XR are the only medications FDA-approved specifically for bipolar II depression.  Common antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil are also sometimes used in bipolar II depression, and are thought to be less likely to cause or worsen hypomania than is the case in bipolar I disorder.  Other medicines sometimes used to treat bipolar II depression include mood stabilizers such as lithium or Depakote, and occasionally Lamictal (although the proven value of Lamictal in bipolar disorder is stronger for preventing relapses than treating acute episodes of bipolar depression).  Psychotherapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, may also help.

Because bipolar II disorder typically involves recurrent episodes, continuous and ongoing treatment with medicines is often recommended for relapse prevention.

Can Bipolar II Disorder Be Prevented?

The causes of bipolar disorder are not well understood. It's not known if bipolar II disorder can be prevented entirely.

It is possible to prevent some episodes of hypomania or depression, once bipolar disorder has developed. Regular therapy sessions with a psychologist or social worker can stabilize mood, leading to fewer hospitalizations and feeling better overall. Taking medicine on a regular basis also leads to fewer hypomanic or depressive episodes.

How Is Bipolar II Disorder Different From Other Types of Bipolar Disorder?

People with bipolar I disorder experience true mania -- a severe, abnormally elevated mood with erratic behavior. Manic symptoms lead to serious disruptions in life, causing legal or major personal problems.

In bipolar II disorder, the symptoms of elevate mood never reach full-on mania. Hypomania in bipolar II is a milder form of mood elevation.  However, the depressive episodes of bipolar II disorder are often longer-lasting and may be even more severe than in bipolar I disorder.  Therefore, bipolar II disorder is not simply a "milder" overall form of bipolar disorder.

Source: Web M 

"Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength." Sigmund Freud

Happy New Year

I would like to take a moment to wish everyone a Happy New Year.  It is hard to believe that another year has past and I wish you all the best in 2014.

Jodi and I just got back from our trip to Florida for the holidays.  We had an amazing time and I am very grateful for the opportunity to be there.  The kindness, generosity and hospitality that Bernie and Karen showed us was amazing.  It was so nice to be able to spend time with them and enjoy much of what Florida has to offer.  I was quite taken back when we were given tickets to the Dolphins game for Christmas.  We went to Sunlife Stadium and I taken aback by the enormity of the stadium and all that surrounded the game.  It was great to see all the tailgating and be part of the 70 000 in attendance at the game.  The game had play off implications too which made it even better.  It would have been nice if the Dolphins had showed up to play but, the experience was one I will never forget.  We were also able to see a Florida Panthers game against the Habs and a Florida Gulf Coast basketball game. Jodi and I played tennis almost every day and made good use of the community pool as well.  The trip was a welcome break for both of us and we had a really good time.

The vacation was good for my mind as well.  I did not have the downzies at all when I was down there.  There was a few instances where my mind raced but, I was able to maintain a good balance for most of the trip.  It was a welcome break from reality and I believe being in the sun a lot was a positive thing for me.

It is a new year and I am looking forward to the challenge before me.  I know I will still struggle mentally at times but, am hoping to continue to grow as a person and be better prepared for what may lay ahead.  We have some difficult choices to make in 2014 but, I am certain everything will work out for the best.  I am trying to accept the fact that I will always face some adversity within myself.  My thoughts and mood may not always be stable but, as each year passes it seems to get a little easier.  I am proud of much of what I accomplished in 2013 and hope to build on that in 2014.

Have an amazing 2014.  Take care,  Shawn.

" I learned that courage was not the absence of fear but, the triumph over it."  Nelson Mandela