Hope

Yesterday was one of the lowest days I have had in quite some time.  I was severely depressed and was void of hope.  I did not see much point in anything at a few points during the day.  It was definitely an intense battle within my mind  If anyone thinks that what I live with is bullshit, I would welcome them to endure a day like the one I did yesterday and see how well they could cope.

As shitty as it was yesterday, I fought through and hung on to hope. I got up today and tried to adjust my thinking a little bit.  I got a very welcome call from someone I always respected.  I used to coach a young man named Chris.  I have known Chris for a long time now and am happy we have stayed in touch over the years.  This morning, I received a call from his father Jeff.  Jeff was always someone I looked up to and really enjoyed our interactions over the years when I was coaching volleyball.  My mom happens to go to the same church as Jeff.  They were chatting yesterday and my name came up.  He wanted to see how I was doing.  My mom gave him a brief summary of things and explained that I had done some landscaping for her and that she was quite pleased with the results.  Jeff called me today to see if I would be interested in doing some landscaping for them.  They have a design for what they would like done in their beds and after his conversation with my mom, he thought of me to do the work.  His call came at the perfect time this morning.  It is amazing how a simple phone call can make such a difference.  I am going over there Wednesday night to take a look at what they want done.  My mood changed drastically in a positive way and I managed to get some work done outside at our place.

I talked to an employer this morning.  The job is in the landscaping industry which I am happy about.  I am starting at the bottom but, that is perfectly fine with me.  I am just thankful to have an opportunity to prove myself again.  I start tomorrow morning.  They are going to try me out and see how I fit in.  It is in a different geographical area which will be a nice change.  I have made the same drive for a long time and it will be nice to get a chance to see some new scenery on the way to work. 

I have learned from past experiences.  I am not putting too much stock in to tomorrow.  All I can do is do the best work I am capable of and leave it at that.  I have the skills and need to have confidence in myself.  I will not have the same responsibilities that I am used to but, I have no issues with that.  If they want me to trim all day or push mow, that is fine by me.  I just want more than anything to have success.  If they are not happy with me after a little while, then so be it.  But I cannot let it be for lack of effort on my part. I have to show confidence and good body language and bust my ass to show them the best version of Shawn.

Considering yesterday, today was an amazing day.  I just proved to myself that if I can fight through days like yesterday, good things will come.  It may not always seem like it but, there will always be positives in my life to cling on to when I am lost in darkness.  And truthfully,  days like yesterday do not happen very often anymore.  That does not mean that they are not extremely difficult to deal with at the time but, I am grateful that I am able to manage them a little easier that I used to be able to.  I can remember when there was days, weeks or even months like yesterday for me. 

I have almost deleted this blog twice in the last few months.  I changed my mind though.  I have worked hard at writing this blog and I am proud of it.  I am not trying to create a legacy, I just enjoy sharing some of my challenges and I truly love to write.  It helps me to go back and read some of my older posts and realize how far I have actually come.  And I have no idea for sure but, I would like to think some of my posts may have helped someone else and that is important to me.  I do not want to live in silence.  It is imperative, especially for young people, to understand that there is hope out there.  There is help and there are people that care.  Life can be a shit storm at times and it shows strength to ask for help, not weakness.  Never Give Up.  One day at a time.

Have a good week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.”
― Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four