I took Ollie for a walk tonight and cried again. I spent much of the afternoon today worrying about tomorrow when I should have nothing to worry about. We had a great week last week and my boss was able to enjoy the three days he spent a way with some friends. I really need to find somehow to correct this trend as I spend way too much time worrying about what the new week may or may not look like. I make some mistakes along the way but, more times than not, I do a good job. I have overcome many obstacles and have done an effective job in a leadership role and need to remind myself of that more often.
I really should be seeing a therapist on a regular basis to process my thoughts but, there is not really the time during the season. It is not fair to put all my mental strains on Jodi and I need to talk to a professional to help alleviate some of my struggles. I really hope the next two months fly by so I can start back with my counselor from last winter.
I am proud of myself for pushing through this year. It would have been easy to give up and let situations affect my success. I have been drained physically and mentally but, pushed through. I have been near my breaking point but, somehow found a way to fight my way to this point. I sprained my ankle but, only missed one day. I did not take a mental health day again this year although I am sure there were times when I needed one. There are so many positives to hold on to and I need to mindful of those and deter negative thought processes.
I love being happy. I love to smile. I love to laugh. I love to share joy with others. I have been missing those the last few weekends and need to find them again. Jodi needs me to be strong and enjoy the down time we have together. Ollie needs me to be a good companion to him and reciprocate the love that he shows me every day.
I hope you have a good week. Take care, Shawn.
Hope is not lost if we can hold on to the small triumphs in life.
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Monday, 23 September 2013
Happy Happy Happy
Well I happy to say that today went amazingly well. I was still struggling this morning but, my worry was quickly put to rest. All the anxiety I had created within my mind was again proven pointless. I need to use past successes to help me realize that worrying serves no purpose. No one created my mental strain other than myself. My boss did want to talk to me about a pruning job I did. I guess the customer was a little disappointed with my work. He just wanted to point out a few things that need improvement. I am very good at pruning but, if I want to be great, I need to take care of the little things better. At times, I have rushed and not payed attention to things like making sure the plant is cleaned out. I will make every effort to improve and will continue to learn.
I was having some thoughts of suicide yesterday but, a day like today continues to show me that life is worth living. It was a beautiful day as the sun was shining bright and the fall colours on the trees were in full affect. I was able to work on a fairly big hedge and enjoyed the challenge. The customer we worked for was so nice and she was really pleased with what we did. She even commented on how hard we work which was good to hear. My boss dropped of a coffee for us which I really appreciated. I was getting a little tired so a little pick me up definitely hit the spot.
I do not mention my suicidal thoughts lightly. I am just trying to be honest and let you in to part of my journey with bi-polar. I do not choose to have those thoughts and would rather they did not come at all. I have so many positive things to live for but, at times, those positives seem to have no relevance in my mind. They certainly do not come as often which I am thankful for. The healthier my mind becomes, the less they seem to appear. I just have to push through some harder moments and continue to remember how far I have come.
I was going to watch the football game but, think I will just catch the Jays game. Baseball is almost over and I am certain the Broncos will make quick work of the Raiders. Was awesome to see Jodi and Ollie tonight. I really missed them today and am looking forward to relaxing as a family tonight.
All the best in the upcoming week. Take care, Shawn.
Be kind to one another.
I was having some thoughts of suicide yesterday but, a day like today continues to show me that life is worth living. It was a beautiful day as the sun was shining bright and the fall colours on the trees were in full affect. I was able to work on a fairly big hedge and enjoyed the challenge. The customer we worked for was so nice and she was really pleased with what we did. She even commented on how hard we work which was good to hear. My boss dropped of a coffee for us which I really appreciated. I was getting a little tired so a little pick me up definitely hit the spot.
I do not mention my suicidal thoughts lightly. I am just trying to be honest and let you in to part of my journey with bi-polar. I do not choose to have those thoughts and would rather they did not come at all. I have so many positive things to live for but, at times, those positives seem to have no relevance in my mind. They certainly do not come as often which I am thankful for. The healthier my mind becomes, the less they seem to appear. I just have to push through some harder moments and continue to remember how far I have come.
I was going to watch the football game but, think I will just catch the Jays game. Baseball is almost over and I am certain the Broncos will make quick work of the Raiders. Was awesome to see Jodi and Ollie tonight. I really missed them today and am looking forward to relaxing as a family tonight.
All the best in the upcoming week. Take care, Shawn.
Be kind to one another.
Sunday, 22 September 2013
The Weekend Blues
I have not had a good weekend. I have been anxious and worrying about tomorrow the last two days. My mind has been racing and I cried again tonight as I am simply drained from mental unrest. This all started Friday after work. We finished forty five minutes early and I did not drop one of the machines off. Now I am sure these two factors are of no consequence but, I did not get a chance to double check. I even sat in my car for twenty minutes and drove to a couple of properties to make sure I had made a reasonable call but, I did not get a chance to talk to my boss.
No one has said or done anything to me but, I have created so many scenarios in my mind. I turn something small in to an immense struggle and it frustrates me. I do not want to think like this and would much rather enjoy my time off with Jodi. It must be hard for Jodi when I sink in to these depressions and she tries admirably to cheer me up and I do not make an effort to change my mindset. If history has proven anything to me, tomorrow will probably come and I will end up having a good day. I could certainly do without the anguish leading up to it though.
We watched Tom Brady visit with an 18 year old make a wish patient today on NFL Countdown. The young man had a rare heart condition and his prognosis is not very positive. He walks around with a bag around his neck in order to take the medication he needs to survive. This 18 year old was not bitter and did not feel sorry for himself. He had a positive outlook and said something to the affect that God only puts the strongest people through the most difficult things. I often ask God myself why he puts challenges before me when I seem to be heading in the right direction. Perhaps he believes I am strong enough for it but, at times I am not sure I am. I often feel like giving up. Tomorrow, I feel like hiding from the world curled up in our bed.
Take care, Shawn.
Just because the anguish in a persons mind is not visible, does not mean that it does not exist.
No one has said or done anything to me but, I have created so many scenarios in my mind. I turn something small in to an immense struggle and it frustrates me. I do not want to think like this and would much rather enjoy my time off with Jodi. It must be hard for Jodi when I sink in to these depressions and she tries admirably to cheer me up and I do not make an effort to change my mindset. If history has proven anything to me, tomorrow will probably come and I will end up having a good day. I could certainly do without the anguish leading up to it though.
We watched Tom Brady visit with an 18 year old make a wish patient today on NFL Countdown. The young man had a rare heart condition and his prognosis is not very positive. He walks around with a bag around his neck in order to take the medication he needs to survive. This 18 year old was not bitter and did not feel sorry for himself. He had a positive outlook and said something to the affect that God only puts the strongest people through the most difficult things. I often ask God myself why he puts challenges before me when I seem to be heading in the right direction. Perhaps he believes I am strong enough for it but, at times I am not sure I am. I often feel like giving up. Tomorrow, I feel like hiding from the world curled up in our bed.
Take care, Shawn.
Just because the anguish in a persons mind is not visible, does not mean that it does not exist.
Thursday, 19 September 2013
The Zone
I have been in a zone this week. Everything has gone smoothly and I have been determined not to let things phase me as much. Hitters in baseball often say that when they are in a zone, the ball just looks so much bigger. It has been similar for me at work this week. Many of our big properties have seemed like small ones and have not overwhelmed me in the slightest. I have also been a trimming machine and have carried a quiet confidence with me each day. I did have the downzies for a brief time at one of our properties as I think the pace I set caught up with me a bit and just felt exhausted. Normally in the past when I get the downzies, they seem to control the outcome of the rest of my day. They did not last long and I was able to finish the day strong and have a good night at home. I did get pretty frustrated on Monday as we were doing a job that I was not too familiar with. We were setting a new drainage pipe and I was having a difficult time for parts of the day. I felt like a dumb ass when I did not have the measuring stick extended properly and my boss had to take his measurements over again. I envy my boss as he knows so much about every aspect of landscaping and excels at whatever project he takes on. I did learn a lot that day though and was proud of myself for pushing through.
I am watching the Eagles and Chiefs game tonight. I have Vick in fantasy football and am hoping he lights it up again this week. Should be an entertaining game and I have a feeling there will not be a shortage of scoring. I love being involved in fantasy leagues as they are a good distraction for me. They also help keep my competitive juices flowing as I do not play too many sports these days.
We have six more weeks left of grass cutting. I am anxious to start fall clean ups. The end of the season is so close and I am hoping the next two months fly by. My body definitely needs some down time and I am looking forward to starting with my counselor again. She is easy to talk to and am looking forward to letting her know how things have been going for me. I have been off the last two years in time for American thanksgiving which I loved as I could catch the NFL games on the Thursday. I have a feeling I may have to work longer than that but, I guess time will tell. I know I will certainly be excited when that last day comes and I can drive home thinking all I have accomplished this year.
I think part of my success over the last few months has been controlling my thoughts with better consistency. My mind was sick for a long time and it has come a long way. The problem in years gone by is that I gave my thoughts too much power. If something messed up crossed my mind, I would dwell on it and let it affect me. Now I try to view thoughts as being transparent. I attempt to let them just flow in one side of my head and out the other. I have had every thought imaginable in my grey matter and it was difficult to separate the healthy mind from the sick mind at times. I now know that my thoughts do not have to mean anything. With having bi-polar 2, I am going to have many thoughts that are not "normal" but, that does not mean I have to give them any value in terms of who I am as a person. I know I am a good person and have changed dramatically over the last five years. Yes, I have made mistakes but, I am moving forward with a new outlook on life in general.
Hope this finds you well. Have a good weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Peace is found within.
I am watching the Eagles and Chiefs game tonight. I have Vick in fantasy football and am hoping he lights it up again this week. Should be an entertaining game and I have a feeling there will not be a shortage of scoring. I love being involved in fantasy leagues as they are a good distraction for me. They also help keep my competitive juices flowing as I do not play too many sports these days.
We have six more weeks left of grass cutting. I am anxious to start fall clean ups. The end of the season is so close and I am hoping the next two months fly by. My body definitely needs some down time and I am looking forward to starting with my counselor again. She is easy to talk to and am looking forward to letting her know how things have been going for me. I have been off the last two years in time for American thanksgiving which I loved as I could catch the NFL games on the Thursday. I have a feeling I may have to work longer than that but, I guess time will tell. I know I will certainly be excited when that last day comes and I can drive home thinking all I have accomplished this year.
I think part of my success over the last few months has been controlling my thoughts with better consistency. My mind was sick for a long time and it has come a long way. The problem in years gone by is that I gave my thoughts too much power. If something messed up crossed my mind, I would dwell on it and let it affect me. Now I try to view thoughts as being transparent. I attempt to let them just flow in one side of my head and out the other. I have had every thought imaginable in my grey matter and it was difficult to separate the healthy mind from the sick mind at times. I now know that my thoughts do not have to mean anything. With having bi-polar 2, I am going to have many thoughts that are not "normal" but, that does not mean I have to give them any value in terms of who I am as a person. I know I am a good person and have changed dramatically over the last five years. Yes, I have made mistakes but, I am moving forward with a new outlook on life in general.
Hope this finds you well. Have a good weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Peace is found within.
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
100
Today is my 100th blog post. It is coming up on two years of this blog and it feels like yesterday that I started writing it. It has helped me tremendously as it serves as a good reminder that I can push through anything. I can look back at old posts and see that although life may have seemed bleak at times, I found a way to persevere. I hope if you have come across this somehow, that it has helped you see some of what it may be like to live with a mental disorder.
I cried today for the first time in over a month. The reason is of no relevance here and I feel fortunate to have made it so long without struggling too much in my mind. Today just reminded me that my disorder is ever-present and I must continue to build on the success of the last few years. I am going to have my moments at times but, the positive thoughts seem to be outweighing the negative ones of late.
I have not taken a mental health day in two years and I am very proud of this. I have had days off for other things but, I have not been at a point where my mind was so distressed that I needed to ask for a day. I have done my best to face challenges and push through bouts of depression when they presented themselves.
The thing I need to remind myself is that I always have a loving wife and amazing dog to come home to. The most important things are family, friends and love. I have all three in my life and it helps me stay balanced. Some that struggle with mental health do not have those aspects in their lives and I feel grateful to have the supports I do.
This week is the last week for Paul at work. Paul has truly amazed me this year. He has come so far in such a short amount of time. I was not sure when he first started but, he has exceeded my expectations. He has listened, learned and worked hard to do the best job he could. I am going to miss working with him as he is such an easy guy to get along with. I hope we cross paths in the future and perhaps we will get together for some wings in the winter.
Well that is it for post 100. Hope this finds you in good spirits. Take care, Shawn.
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
I cried today for the first time in over a month. The reason is of no relevance here and I feel fortunate to have made it so long without struggling too much in my mind. Today just reminded me that my disorder is ever-present and I must continue to build on the success of the last few years. I am going to have my moments at times but, the positive thoughts seem to be outweighing the negative ones of late.
I have not taken a mental health day in two years and I am very proud of this. I have had days off for other things but, I have not been at a point where my mind was so distressed that I needed to ask for a day. I have done my best to face challenges and push through bouts of depression when they presented themselves.
The thing I need to remind myself is that I always have a loving wife and amazing dog to come home to. The most important things are family, friends and love. I have all three in my life and it helps me stay balanced. Some that struggle with mental health do not have those aspects in their lives and I feel grateful to have the supports I do.
This week is the last week for Paul at work. Paul has truly amazed me this year. He has come so far in such a short amount of time. I was not sure when he first started but, he has exceeded my expectations. He has listened, learned and worked hard to do the best job he could. I am going to miss working with him as he is such an easy guy to get along with. I hope we cross paths in the future and perhaps we will get together for some wings in the winter.
Well that is it for post 100. Hope this finds you in good spirits. Take care, Shawn.
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Happy Birthday Elias and Karen!!!!
I would like to wish my nephew Elias and my mother in law Karen, a very Happy Birthday today. Elias turned six and we just got back from his party in Oakville. Was so great to see him on his big day and we had a lot of fun catching up with friends and family. Karen is in PEI at the cottage and hopefully is having a wonderful day.
The last three weeks have been going really well. I have a bit of the downzies today although they are not really warranted. I worked on Saturday doing some trimming and pruning. Jesse and I did a great job and the place looks quite nice. I simply forgot to prune one bed at the front entrance. We had already loaded up and I did not realize it until we had pulled out of the driveway. I probably should have turned around but, it really is not a big deal at all. I am making it out to be in my head though which is silly. We will be going by there again this week and it will take twenty minutes to finish up. No one is upset with me, I am not going to be in big trouble tomorrow and there is no need to stress about it. I take minor things at times and create bigger problems in my mind. Instead of enjoying the rest of my weekend, I spend too much energy worrying about an issue that nobody else is making big deal out of except for myself. I need to continue to push to create positive outcomes in my mind rather than expecting the worse. I am quite certain that tomorrow will go well and I will enjoy what I am doing. I need to approach it like that regardless and know I can handle any situation that may arise. As Jesse told me, "Let the good days be great and let the bad days be nothing I cannot handle."
I am coming up on my 100th post which is something I never thought I would get to. I started this as a hobby and have truly found it to be healing and hopefully helped share some of what it might be like to live with a mental disorder. At times, I wish that somehow I could have a new mind in order to avoid some of the inner battles I go through. When I think about it though, I would not have discovered so much about myself without the journey I have taken with bi-polar 2 disorder. It has not been an easy road to travel but, I have proven to myself and to others that I am capable of change. I have hurt people along the way and I cannot take back some of my poor choices in life. I sincerely hope the way I live my life now will show those I have impacted in a negative way, that I am a person they would be proud to know.
Hope you have an awesome week. Happy Sunday. Take care, Shawn.
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
The last three weeks have been going really well. I have a bit of the downzies today although they are not really warranted. I worked on Saturday doing some trimming and pruning. Jesse and I did a great job and the place looks quite nice. I simply forgot to prune one bed at the front entrance. We had already loaded up and I did not realize it until we had pulled out of the driveway. I probably should have turned around but, it really is not a big deal at all. I am making it out to be in my head though which is silly. We will be going by there again this week and it will take twenty minutes to finish up. No one is upset with me, I am not going to be in big trouble tomorrow and there is no need to stress about it. I take minor things at times and create bigger problems in my mind. Instead of enjoying the rest of my weekend, I spend too much energy worrying about an issue that nobody else is making big deal out of except for myself. I need to continue to push to create positive outcomes in my mind rather than expecting the worse. I am quite certain that tomorrow will go well and I will enjoy what I am doing. I need to approach it like that regardless and know I can handle any situation that may arise. As Jesse told me, "Let the good days be great and let the bad days be nothing I cannot handle."
I am coming up on my 100th post which is something I never thought I would get to. I started this as a hobby and have truly found it to be healing and hopefully helped share some of what it might be like to live with a mental disorder. At times, I wish that somehow I could have a new mind in order to avoid some of the inner battles I go through. When I think about it though, I would not have discovered so much about myself without the journey I have taken with bi-polar 2 disorder. It has not been an easy road to travel but, I have proven to myself and to others that I am capable of change. I have hurt people along the way and I cannot take back some of my poor choices in life. I sincerely hope the way I live my life now will show those I have impacted in a negative way, that I am a person they would be proud to know.
Hope you have an awesome week. Happy Sunday. Take care, Shawn.
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
Monday, 5 August 2013
Happy Sunday
The past two weeks have been very positive. My mind has grown stronger and I have been focusing on the present rather than the past or future.
Work has been going really well of late. I have had a chance to do quite a bit of pruning which is where I am in my element. When I prune plants, my mind is at ease and I can simply focus on the plant in front of me. We have had three big jobs in the past few weeks which we have basically finished now so perhaps things will slow down a bit for part of August. I came in yesterday to finish off planting some cedars which turned out really well. The customer was quite happy and it was nice to get my hands dirty to start the day.
One of the aspects of my job that I enjoy is transforming landscapes that have perhaps been neglected in the past in to visually appealing finished products. It still amazes me what can be accomplished in a ten hour day. At times when we start a job, it seems overwhelming looking at the scope of work. We just focus on individual tasks at a time and I am always pleased to see how much we have finished at the end of the day.
We are having a relaxing long weekend at home with Ollie. Just finishing our morning coffees and then I have to cut the grass here and then at my parents. Probably catch some baseball this afternoon and then Dexter is on tonight. Not quite sure what to expect after last weeks episode. The writers for that show are truly gifted and really keep the viewer guessing. Dave and Megs are on their honeymoon and sounds like they have got a tonne of rain. Looking forward to seeing them when they get home and hearing about their trip to Thailand.
I believe part of the reason I was having such a hard time was that the two things I had used to help push me through had come to pass. I had been looking forward to my beautiful niece Micah to be born and she is now a happy and healthy bundle of joy. I was also using my trip to Dominican to witness Dave and Megs getting married and now that has come and gone. In the depressed state I had been in, I could not find new positive aspects of life to look forward to. Now that my mind has settled down a bit, I have found many exciting events in the future to keep me motivated. The first is Jodi's birthday coming very shortly. I will not tell you how old she is turning but, I am looking forward to celebrating with her. I am also looking forward to our long weekend with Meghan and Lincoln at the end of August. We had a great time with them at the wedding and will be nice to catch up with them and do some boating as well. There is also the start of the 2013 NFL season in September. I cannot wait for the first kick off and watch my NFL red zone on Sundays. I am also looking forward to fall as it is my favourite season of the year. The falling leaves and the crisp morning air are just a few aspects of fall that I love. So when I really put my mind to it, there continues to be so many good things to use to motivate myself when I am feeling a bit low.
I hope you are enjoying your long weekend. Have a great week ahead. Take care, Shawn.
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
― Albert Camus
Work has been going really well of late. I have had a chance to do quite a bit of pruning which is where I am in my element. When I prune plants, my mind is at ease and I can simply focus on the plant in front of me. We have had three big jobs in the past few weeks which we have basically finished now so perhaps things will slow down a bit for part of August. I came in yesterday to finish off planting some cedars which turned out really well. The customer was quite happy and it was nice to get my hands dirty to start the day.
One of the aspects of my job that I enjoy is transforming landscapes that have perhaps been neglected in the past in to visually appealing finished products. It still amazes me what can be accomplished in a ten hour day. At times when we start a job, it seems overwhelming looking at the scope of work. We just focus on individual tasks at a time and I am always pleased to see how much we have finished at the end of the day.
We are having a relaxing long weekend at home with Ollie. Just finishing our morning coffees and then I have to cut the grass here and then at my parents. Probably catch some baseball this afternoon and then Dexter is on tonight. Not quite sure what to expect after last weeks episode. The writers for that show are truly gifted and really keep the viewer guessing. Dave and Megs are on their honeymoon and sounds like they have got a tonne of rain. Looking forward to seeing them when they get home and hearing about their trip to Thailand.
I believe part of the reason I was having such a hard time was that the two things I had used to help push me through had come to pass. I had been looking forward to my beautiful niece Micah to be born and she is now a happy and healthy bundle of joy. I was also using my trip to Dominican to witness Dave and Megs getting married and now that has come and gone. In the depressed state I had been in, I could not find new positive aspects of life to look forward to. Now that my mind has settled down a bit, I have found many exciting events in the future to keep me motivated. The first is Jodi's birthday coming very shortly. I will not tell you how old she is turning but, I am looking forward to celebrating with her. I am also looking forward to our long weekend with Meghan and Lincoln at the end of August. We had a great time with them at the wedding and will be nice to catch up with them and do some boating as well. There is also the start of the 2013 NFL season in September. I cannot wait for the first kick off and watch my NFL red zone on Sundays. I am also looking forward to fall as it is my favourite season of the year. The falling leaves and the crisp morning air are just a few aspects of fall that I love. So when I really put my mind to it, there continues to be so many good things to use to motivate myself when I am feeling a bit low.
I hope you are enjoying your long weekend. Have a great week ahead. Take care, Shawn.
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
― Albert Camus
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