Struggling

I have not written in a while.  I just have not had the desire to as my mood has been very low of late.  I should force myself to write during low periods as it always lifts my spirits a little when I write.

I have been struggling of late.  As I mentioned, my mood has been very low.  I have had trouble motivating myself.  My thoughts have been racing a lot and I have been finding it difficult to channel thoughts in a positive way.  I have been doing a lot of negative self talk, making it challenging to find positives about myself.  I have had some passing suicidal thoughts as well which is not a pleasant thing to deal with.

Spring cannot come soon enough for me but, I have even been doubting my ability to push through another season.  I know I can and will but, doubt has crept in as this winter has not gone exactly as planned.  I was unable to succeed at the plowing/salting as it was difficult to navigate the erratic hours for me mentally.  That has been hard on me as I have had so much success over the last four years.  I do not like failing at something and letting others down.  I need to let that go though as it will not benefit me in any way to dwell on it.

I guess sometimes I just get frustrated.  I get tired of living with bi polar.  Living through the same challenges every year.  I get tired of living with addictions.  Missing out on a lot of events with friends as they are not healthy choices for me. I miss just being one of the guys at times but, I understand that it is the way it has to be for me to remain balanced.  I get tired of the battle going on inside my mind.  It can be exhausting to filter through the various thoughts and attempt to channel them in a positive way.  I get tired of the tears flowing from my eyes because of the deep emotions I feel inside.  I am still not sure how I made it to 39 and it seems to be a daunting task to make it through another 39.  Just have to take it one day at a time I guess and fight for joy.

I know things will get better mentally eventually.  Winter is always a tough time for most people. I am hoping that once spring rolls around and I am in a routine again,  my mind will slow down and my moods will level out.  Just wanted to share how I've been feeling.  Important to share the struggles along with the successes.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

Supreme Court Ruling: Assisted Death

OTTAWA -- The Supreme Court of Canada has unanimously struck down the ban on providing a doctor-assisted death to mentally competent but suffering and "irremediable" patients.
The historic, groundbreaking decision from the country's top court sweeps away the existing law and gives Parliament a year to draft new legislation that recognizes the right of clearly consenting adults who are enduring intolerable suffering -- physical or mental -- to seek medical help ending their lives.

The judgment, which is unsigned to reflect the unanimous institutional weight of the court, says the current ban infringes on all three of the life, liberty and security of person provisions in Section 7 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

It does not limit physician-assisted death to those suffering a terminal illness.
"For seriously and incurably ill Canadians, the brave people who worked side by side with us for so many years on this case -- this decision will mean everything to them," said a visibly overjoyed Grace Pastine, the litigation director for the B.C. Civil Liberties Association.

The court clearly instructs parliamentarians that current laws "unjustifiably infringe (Section 7) of the charter and are of no force or effect to the extent that they prohibit physician-assisted death for a competent adult person who (1) clearly consents to the termination of life and (2) has a grievous and irremediable medical condition (including an illness, disease or disability) that causes enduring suffering that is intolerable to the individual in the circumstances of his or her condition."

The pressure will now be on Parliament to act in an election year, as the court says no exemptions may be granted for those seeking to end their lives during the 12-month suspension of the judgment.

Friday's decision was spurred by the families of two now-deceased British Columbia women, supported by Pastine's organization.

Gloria Taylor, who had a neurodegenerative disease, eventually died of an infection. Kay Carter, then 89, travelled to Switzerland, where assisted suicide is allowed.

Taylor had won a constitutional exemption at a lower court for a medically assisted death in 2012, but that decision was overturned in subsequent appeals.

"Justice, dignity and compassion were the defining qualities of my mother," Lee Carter told a crush of reporters after the decision came down.

"We just felt that it was a fundamental right for Canadians that they should have this choice."

She called it "a huge victory for Canadians and a legacy for Kay."

Hollis Johnson, Kay Carter's son-in-law, called her "a vibrant and intelligent woman" who "dreamed of legal change for all Canadians, because she believed the laws forced people like her to suffer needlessly at the end of their lives."

The Supreme Court gave a ringing endorsement of the original B.C. trial judge's findings, albeit not for a constitutional exemption.

The decision reverses the top court's 1993 ruling in the case of Sue Rodriguez, a fact the decision attributes to changing jurisprudence and an altered social landscape.

Two decades ago, the court was concerned that vulnerable persons could not be properly protected under physician-assisted suicide, even though courts recognized the existing law infringed a person's rights.

But the experience of existing jurisdictions that permit doctor-assisted suicide compelled the courts to examine the record.

The B.C. trial judge "found no compelling evidence that a permissive regime in Canada would result in a 'practical slippery slope,"' wrote the top court.

"An individual's response to a grievous and irremediable medical condition is a matter critical to their dignity and autonomy," the judgment says.

"The law allows people in this situation to request palliative sedation, refuse artificial nutrition and hydration, or request the removal of life-sustaining medical equipment, but denies the right to request a physician's assistance in dying."

The ruling goes on to state that "by leaving people like Ms. Taylor to endure intolerable suffering, it impinges on their security of person."

The nine Supreme Court justices also note that when their court struck down the country's prostitution laws in 2013, it recognized that the legal conception of "gross disproportionality" has changed since the Rodriguez decision.

"By contrast, the law on overbreadth, now explicitly recognized as a principle of fundamental justice, asks whether the law interferes with some conduct that has no connection to the law's objectives," says the judgment.

"The blanket prohibition (on physician-assisted death) sweeps conduct into its ambit that is unrelated to the law's objective."

The court agreed with the trial judge "that a permissive regime with properly designed and administered safeguards was capable of protecting vulnerable people from abuse and error. While there are risks, to be sure, a carefully designed and managed system is capable of adequately addressing them."

Bruce Cheadle, The Canadian Press
Published Friday, February 6, 2015 7:00AM EST
Last Updated Friday, February 6, 2015 11:36AM EST 

 

 

I was so pleased when I turned on the news at lunch and heard about the Supreme Court Ruling today.  I think the law that has made assisted death illegal in our country is archaic.  I completely agree with their decision that it goes against the charter of rights.  Individuals that are terminally ill should have the right to end their life peacefully if that is their choice.  It is their life and they should be able to make that decision.  There has been other attempts by terminally ill patients to challenge this law but, they were in vain.  Many of those who tried to fight the law are now deceased.  I am sure their families would agree with the ruling today wholeheartedly.  I do not understand the insistence of letting people suffer for months or even years before they pass on.  I truly believe that if an individual is terminally ill and are going through immeasurable suffering, they should be able to pass on with dignity with the help of a physician.

 

I am feeling good today.  My mind has settled down and my mood has stabilized.  Was a tough few days but, I am definitely feeling more positive.  I have been to the gym for the last three days and it has certainly helped my general wellness.  I have already lost two pounds and have a goal I am working towards before I go back to work.  My gym has moved and I love the new location.  It feels like a gym that Rocky would train in.  I am not going to be chugging any eggs in the near future but, it does help motivate me to get my ass in gear.

 

Hope you have a great weekend.  Take care,  Shawn. 

“None but ourselves can free our minds.”
― Bob Marley

Feeling Much Better

Yesterday was a better day.  I was feeling more like myself and a little more positive about things.  I have had really good sleeps the last few nights which has really helped.  I feel rested.

I cannot beat myself up for deciding not to plow or salt anymore.  I made a decision based on my overall wellness and that is the most important thing.  I may have let some people down in the process but, I cannot worry about that.  I tried something out and realized it was not for me.  I definitely gained a greater respect for guys who plow and salt year after year.  It takes a certain kind of person to be able to handle the rigors of working at making roads and parking lots safe overnight while the rest of us sleep.  I know now that I cannot work overnight in any capacity.  It just not fit with my medications and is not worth the risk to my mental state.  I have come too far and want to progress, not regress.

I had a chance to go to the Landscape Ontario meeting with my boss.  It was nice to catch up with him and get out of the house for a bit.  The speaker was a good one and I enjoyed listening to him.

I did make my first trip to the gym in quite some time yesterday.  It felt great to push some weight around and run on the treadmill for a bit.  I am going to make it part of my daily routine and know it will benefit both my body and mind.  I have put on more weight this winter than normal so I have my work cut out for me.  I will start dropping weight fairly quickly if I stick with it.

I may play some hoops tonight.  Dave asked me if I would be available.  Basketball was a big part of my life when I was younger so it will be good to shoot around a bit.  I know I will be a little rusty but, it should be fun.

The fact that we own our own house now has finally sunk in and it feels awesome.  I could not fully appreciate it as my mood has fluctuated so much over the last week.  Jodi and I worked really hard to get to this point and I am proud we were finally able to do it.

Does not feel like it right now but, spring is not too far a way.  I cannot wait to get going and see our customers again.  Last season was a tough one but, I have a feeling this year will be great.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

Down

I have some expletives for how I have been feeling lately but, I will spare you of those.  I have been up and down for the last week.  In and out of the downzies.  I have felt like a failure a bit and have been wrapped up in negative emotions and have had some brief encounters with suicidal thoughts.

I am no longer plowing or salting.  It did not work out the way I expected it to.  Other than Sunday night, the winter has been really slow.  I have made very little money and it has been frustrating.  The bigger issue for me has been trying to adjust to the varying hours.  We go out overnight quite often and I was having quite a difficult time with that.  I usually take my risperidone at night and could not take it before I went out salting/powing as it helps me sleep.  Sleep is so important for me and it definitely was affected.  I feel as though I let the guys I worked for down.  They were a good group of guys and I did enjoy aspects of working there.  Probably part of the reason I have felt like a failure, letting others down.  I do not like giving up on things but, I just felt it was the best thing to do for me mentally.  I need to look at it is a learning experience and not beat myself up for moving on.

If history has proven anything to me,  this little funk I am in will pass eventually.  I know I am not a failure or a loser but, that is how I have been feeling lately.   I need to remind myself of positive aspects of my life.  I am taking a step to improve my mental state today by getting a gym membership.  If I can motivate myself to start going regularly, I know the benefits mentally will start to show.  Sometimes when I am in a bad head space, I need to force myself to do things I do not necessarily feel like doing.  Sitting around getting pissed off at myself has never accomplished anything.

As my dad tells me all the time, "This Too Shall Pass".

Take care,  Shawn.

Bell Let's Talk

Tomorrow, January 28th, is Bell Let's Talk day in Canada.  I look forward to this day every year as it is a big step in ending stigmas surrounding mental health. 

If you are a Bell customer, every text or long distance call made will raise five cents towards mental health initiatives.  You can also tweet using the hash tag BellLetsTalk and share the link on Facebook.  I am sure most of you would know someone, either a family member or friend, in your life that has struggled with some form of mental illness.  So please take a few moments tomorrow and send some texts.  If nothing else,  share a conversation with someone about mental health.

I have never been this stable in my life.  Seems just like yesterday that I did not want to leave my bed, just trapped in darkness.  If you knew me now, you would never know what I and those around me have been through over the years.  Jodi knows all too well the pain involved and I am forever grateful for her love and support.  She could have easily given up on me and no one would have blamed her in the slightest.  Mental disorders do not just affect those living with them.  They affect everyone surrounding the person and it can often be a difficult challenge.  I am so thankful for those in my life who have helped get me to this point.  I wish I had not impacted others in a negative way with some of my decisions but, I have been able to learn from the past and look forward to the future.

I was thinking the other day how sick my mind used to be.  I could not separate healthy thoughts from thoughts that were part of my illness.  I am so thankful I am able to manage my thoughts now and do not allow thoughts that shouldn't be there linger in my head.

I have not had a major depressive episode in over five years.  I have struggle through bouts of depression but, nothing like I used to have.  Depression used to paralyze me.  All I could see was darkness and my mind only filled me with negative thoughts about myself.

I have found being open about my illness now and sharing with others has not only been therapeutic for me but, in turn I hope I have been able to share with others some of the struggles of living with a mental illness.  That is what is so important about tomorrow,  sharing experiences with others.  Finding commonality in a cause and spreading awareness.

Take care,  Shawn.

 “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh

Anxiety Disorders

There are several types of anxiety disorders including panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, specific phobias, and generalized anxiety disorder.

Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person's ability to lead a normal life.

An anxiety disorder is a serious mental illness. For people with anxiety disorders, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be crippling.

Phobias -- See What Makes Some People Afraid

What Are the Types of Anxiety Disorders?

There are several recognized types of anxiety disorders, including:

• Panic disorder: People with this condition have feelings of terror that strike suddenly and repeatedly with no warning. Other symptoms of a panic attack include sweating, chest pain, palpitations (unusually strong or irregular heartbeats), and a feeling of choking, which may make the person feel like he or she is having a heart attack or "going crazy."
• Social anxiety disorder: Also called social phobia, social anxiety disorder involves overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule.
• Specific phobias: A specific phobia is an intense fear of a specific object or situation, such as snakes, heights, or flying. The level of fear is usually inappropriate to the situation and may cause the person to avoid common, everyday situations.
• Generalized anxiety disorder: This disorder involves excessive, unrealistic worry and tension, even if there is little or nothing to provoke the anxiety.

What Are the Symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder?

Symptoms vary depending on the type of anxiety disorder, but general symptoms include:

• Feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness
• Problems sleeping
• Cold or sweaty hands and/or feet
• Shortness of breath
• Heart palpitations
• An inability to be still and calm
• Dry mouth
• Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet
• Nausea
• Muscle tension
• Dizziness

What Causes Anxiety Disorders?

The exact cause of anxiety disorders is unknown; but anxiety disorders -- like other forms of mental illness -- are not the result of personal weakness, a character flaw, or poor upbringing. As scientists continue their research on mental illness, it is becoming clear that many of these disorders are caused by a combination of factors, including changes in the brain and environmental stress.

Like other brain illnesses, anxiety disorders may be caused by problems in the functioning of brain circuits that regulate fear and other emotions. Studies have shown that severe or long-lasting stress can change the way nerve cells within these circuits transmit information from one region of the brain to another. Other studies have shown that people with certain anxiety disorders have changes in certain brain structures that control memories linked with strong emotions. In addition, studies have shown that anxiety disorders run in families, which means that they can at least partly be inherited from one or both parents, like the risk for heart disease or cancer. Moreover, certain environmental factors -- such as a trauma or significant event -- may trigger an anxiety disorder in people who have an inherited susceptibility to developing the disorder.

How Common Are Anxiety Disorders?

Anxiety disorders affect millions of adult Americans. Most anxiety disorders begin in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. They occur slightly more often in women than in men, and occur with equal frequency in whites, African-Americans, and Hispanics.

How Are Anxiety Disorders Diagnosed?

If symptoms of an anxiety disorder are present, the doctor will begin an evaluation by asking you questions about your medical history and performing a physical exam. Although there are no lab tests to specifically diagnose anxiety disorders, the doctor may use various tests to look for physical illness as the cause of the symptoms.

If no physical illness is found, you may be referred to a psychiatrist, psychologist, or another mental health professional who is specially trained to diagnose and treat mental illnesses. Psychiatrists and psychologists use specially designed interview and assessment tools to evaluate a person for an anxiety disorder.

The doctor bases his or her diagnosis on the patient's report of the intensity and duration of symptoms -- including any problems with daily functioning caused by the symptoms -- and the doctor's observation of the patient's attitude and behavior. The doctor then determines if the patient's symptoms and degree of dysfunction indicate a specific anxiety disorder.

How Are Anxiety Disorders Treated?

Fortunately, much progress has been made in the last two decades in the treatment of people with mental illnesses, including anxiety disorders. Although the exact treatment approach depends on the type of disorder, one or a combination of the following therapies may be used for most anxiety disorders:

• Medication: Drugs used to reduce the symptoms of anxiety disorders include anti-depressants and anxiety-reducing drugs.
• Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy (a type of counseling) addresses the emotional response to mental illness. It is a process in which trained mental health professionals help people by talking through strategies for understanding and dealing with their disorder.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy: This is a particular type of psychotherapy in which the person learns to recognize and change thought patterns and behaviors that lead to troublesome feelings.
• Dietary and lifestyle changes.
• Relaxation therapy

Can Anxiety Disorders Be Prevented?

Anxiety disorders cannot be prevented; however, there are some things you can do to control or lessen symptoms:

• Stop or reduce consumption of products that contain caffeine, such as coffee, tea, cola, energy drinks, and chocolate.
• Ask your doctor or pharmacist before taking any over-the-counter medicines or herbal remedies. Many contain chemicals that can increase anxiety symptoms.
• Seek counseling and support if you start to regularly feel anxious with no apparent cause.

WebMD Medical Reference

View Article Sources

Reviewed by Joseph Goldberg, MD on February 08, 2014

© 2014 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.

Happy Friday.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “Seven Deadly Sins

Wealth without work
Pleasure without conscience
Science without humanity
Knowledge without character
Politics without principle
Commerce without morality
Worship without sacrifice.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Three Years Soon

I was looking through my earlier blogs today.  I realized that I have been writing this blog for almost three years.  I wrote my first ever blog on February 26th, 2012.  I have thoroughly enjoyed writing in this.  I have tried to be open and honest about some of the things that I struggle with.  I have had almost 6000 page views which is never something I thought possible.  I started writing this as a form of therapy for myself but, hopefully over the last three years, I have helped spread some awareness around mental health.

One of the big positives for me in writing this blog is the ability to look back through older posts.  It helps keeps things in perspective for me and helps me realized how far I have actually come.  If I am struggling with something, I can look back and show myself that I have indeed pushed through obstacles and still managed to come out the other side.  It gives me a stronger belief in myself and I truly hope it shows others that it is possible to fight through periods of darkness and find some sense of peace.

My sister had pointed out to me a long time a go that perplection was spelled incorrectly.  It is actually a rare spelling of the word perplexion. 

perplection

English

Noun 

perplection (plural perplections)
Rare spelling of perplexion.

Now I must be quite honest,  I did at the time believe that it was indeed spelled the way it appears in my blogs address.  I was happy to find out that it was a rare spelling, as I certainly considered myself a rare person in the past.   I chose perplection or perplexion as it describes a state of confusion, bewilderment and/or puzzlement.  I thought that was quite fitting in describing what it is like at times living with a mental disorder.  www.mindperplection.blogspot.ca came to me instantly and I am very pleased that I chose that title for my blog address. 

I am not up to too much today.  I have to drop off a form at the lawyer.  A week from tomorrow, we will hopefully have closed on our first home.  I am going to pick up my pay check.  It has been over a month so it will be nice to put something in the bank which will help me keep things up to date.  I am not sure if we will have to salt tonight.  There is some snow for a few hours overnight but, I think it would not warrant going out.  Guess I will find out. I took Ollie for a good run today.  The cold has been affecting his legs but, he seems to be fine as long as he is running around.

Hope your having a good day.  Take care,  Shawn.

When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist