Damn Ankle

I am off today which is too bad.  This is the first day of work I have missed since I started this job.  I rolled my ankle at slow pitch last night.  It was not too bad last night but, it swelled up overnight and I was having trouble walking this morning.  I am going to ice it all day and hopefully get in to physiotherapy.  I am hoping to be back tomorrow.

Jodi and I had a really nice weekend.  We had a chance to got down to Toronto to play in a beach volleyball tournament with Matt and Beth.  I had not played volleyball in three years and it was awesome to be back in the sand again.  We did not finish with great results but, we had a lot of fun.  I found it difficult at times as I was definitely not even close to the beach player I used to be.  I was frustrated with myself as I know I could have played better.  In the end, it was just nice to play a sport again that was a big part of my life for a long time.  We are hoping to make it a yearly tradition.

On Sunday we helped Dave and Megs move in to their new house.  Their new place has a lot of charm and I think they are going to be really happy there.  I am going to have a chance to do some landscaping for them.  Not much had been done there as far as landscaping so there is a lot to be done.  It is good though in a way as they will have a blank canvas to make the property their own.  The move went extremely well.  Dave had a lot of help so things flew by.  I have been part of many moves over the years and this one had to be one of the best ones I have been a part of.  Jodi helped paint their living room and it came out really well.  The lay out of their new home is awesome and I especially love the flooring. They are expecting their second child any day now so they have a lot on their plate at the moment.  Looking forward to spending some more time with them once things settle down for them.

I am feeling pretty good mentally.  My mood has been fairly balanced and my thought processes have been fairly positive for the most part.  I still hope to progress daily and work on areas of my life that need improvement.  Today is a great day to be alive and I am going to try to make the best of the day.

Hope you are having a positive day.  Take care,  Shawn.


“Sometimes when I meet old friends, it reminds me how quickly time passes. And it makes me wonder if we've utilized our time properly or not. Proper utilization of time is so important. While we have this body, and especially this amazing human brain, I think every minute is something precious. Our day-to-day existence is very much alive with hope, although there is no guarantee of our future. There is no guarantee that tomorrow at this time we will be here. But we are working for that purely on the basis of hope. So, we need to make the best use of our time. I believe that the proper utilization of time is this: if you can, serve other people, other sentient beings. If not, at least refrain from harming them. I think that is the whole basis of my philosophy.

So, let us reflect what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that. The purpose of our life needs to be positive. We weren't born with the purpose of causing trouble, harming others. For our life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities—warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes meaningful and more peaceful—happier.”
― Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness

Thankful

I have a rain day today.  First one we have had.  This rain is a welcome sight as we really have not had any sustained rain for a few months.  It has been  three or four years since we have had such a dry summer.  It has been a long time since I have seen the grass slow down this much.  Our lawn is not doing too well but, the same can be said for most of our neighborhood.  I am not worried about it at all.  In the big scheme of life, it is just a lawn.  Our front bed is still looking really good which is more important to me.

My new job is going extremely well.  I am working with really good people and have had absolutely no issues interacting with others at work.  It has been quite the opposite really.  There has been no fear, stress or anxiety.  I no longer bring home work with me every night and on weekends. This has made a world of difference in terms of my general happiness.  I have not enjoyed a summer this much in a very long time.  I have not had to work any weekends and have been off earlier every Friday except for one since I began this job.  I used to have a lot issues with my stomach but, that is no longer an issue.  No anxiety, no stomach issues.  My foreman is awesome to work for and has a very positive leadership style.  I work with one other guy who is great and the three of us work very well together.  We have a lot of fun when we work and we have finished some really nice projects.

Jodi and I are going to PEI for a week and August which I am really looking forward to.  My last vacation during a season did not go well and I spent the majority of it in a severe depression.  It will be nice not to have anything to worry about and simply enjoy my time a way.  It will be wonderful to see Bernie and Karen and spend some quality time together.  PEI is beautiful and I recommend visiting there is you ever have a chance.

I had a counseling appoint this week.  I am very happy with how my sessions have been going.  We work through a variety of issues and it gives me a chance to look for strategies to help navigate through certain struggles.  I have been getting better on not unloading too much on other people, instead using my sessions to talk through things with a professional.

Overall,  I am doing really well.  I still have areas of my life that I would like to improve but, I am feeling positive moving forward.  My mood still shifts at times and I still shut down on occasions but, it is slowly improving.  My mind does not race quite as often these days.  I still struggle at times with navigating certain thought patterns but, feel I am better suited to deal with them now.  I still have the occasional suicidal thought but, I no longer fixate on those thoughts for long periods of time.  I am not where I want to be yet but, if I look back ten years a go,  I have come leaps and bounds since then.  I am very thankful to be where I am and I am grateful to many people in my life for helping me reach this point.  Jodi is a huge part of where I am today and I am very fortunate to have her in my life.  Being married to someone with bi polar and an addictive nature is not an easy thing to deal with.  She is a special person and I am very proud to married to her.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Positive Strides

Well, I must say that the last two weeks have gone very well for me.  My mood and overall mental state has improved immensely compared to the last time I wrote in my blog.  My new position has been exactly what I needed at this point in my life.  I have not had the same responsibility or pressure and have found success with my role.  There has been no stress or anxiety and I have been able to leave work behind when I get in my car to drive home.  I have built up a good reputation in my short time there and have even picked up a nick name.  A guy I work with started calling me bulldozer or dozer after my first day and it seems to have caught on.  I am not even sure my foreman even knows my first name as he started calling me dozer too.  They used to call me animal at a golf course I worked at for the way I worked and they seem to appreciate the way I work at my new job too, thus the new nick name.  I think that was what I had a really hard time with when I was let go from my first job this year.  No one has ever questioned my work ethic like that and those that have worked with me over the years would tell you that I always work hard and push myself every day. 

I was able to speak with a counselor over the phone on Monday night which helped me prepare for the week ahead.  We spoke about strategies I could use to help me achieve success.  We talked about living in the moment rather than thinking ten steps ahead of myself which I have had issues with.  Also not to create a negative scenario in my mind before it even happens.  Just breaking the day in to manageable sections and being conscience of my mindset.  Challenging negative thought patterns and allowing myself the freedom to not to be hindered by self doubt.  I have gained my confidence back and I plan on building on the success of the last few weeks. 

I am doing a job on my own today again.  Some more top dressing and then mulching.  I get a chance to work with Jeff again which I thoroughly enjoyed last Saturday.  It is going to be quite humid today so hopefully we can get things finished this morning.  I plan on going for a swim after and then Jodi and I are heading to a play later this afternoon.  We had a chance to learn how to use the ball machine at tennis last night which was a lot of fun.  It was a work out for sure but, was definitely a great way to work on ball striking.

I must give the Toronto Raptors a lot of credit.  They lost in six games to the Cleveland last night but, they have so much to be proud of.  They took the city of Toronto and the whole country on quite a ride this year and they gained a lot of respect around the league.  The fan support was amazing and the future looks bright for this team.  I would say 95% of people thought the Raptors would be swept by the Cavs and I must admit that, I was one of those people.  To show the resolve they did after games 1 and 2 shows so much character and it displays what hard work and determination can do.  They played some amazing basketball in games 3 and 4 I am proud of the fact that they did not just simply lay down.  Looking forward to next season.  Congrats on an amazing year Raps.

Well that is it for me today.  Feels good to write this morning.  Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “Negativity is positively bad for your health.”
― Eleanor Brownn

Hope

Yesterday was one of the lowest days I have had in quite some time.  I was severely depressed and was void of hope.  I did not see much point in anything at a few points during the day.  It was definitely an intense battle within my mind  If anyone thinks that what I live with is bullshit, I would welcome them to endure a day like the one I did yesterday and see how well they could cope.

As shitty as it was yesterday, I fought through and hung on to hope. I got up today and tried to adjust my thinking a little bit.  I got a very welcome call from someone I always respected.  I used to coach a young man named Chris.  I have known Chris for a long time now and am happy we have stayed in touch over the years.  This morning, I received a call from his father Jeff.  Jeff was always someone I looked up to and really enjoyed our interactions over the years when I was coaching volleyball.  My mom happens to go to the same church as Jeff.  They were chatting yesterday and my name came up.  He wanted to see how I was doing.  My mom gave him a brief summary of things and explained that I had done some landscaping for her and that she was quite pleased with the results.  Jeff called me today to see if I would be interested in doing some landscaping for them.  They have a design for what they would like done in their beds and after his conversation with my mom, he thought of me to do the work.  His call came at the perfect time this morning.  It is amazing how a simple phone call can make such a difference.  I am going over there Wednesday night to take a look at what they want done.  My mood changed drastically in a positive way and I managed to get some work done outside at our place.

I talked to an employer this morning.  The job is in the landscaping industry which I am happy about.  I am starting at the bottom but, that is perfectly fine with me.  I am just thankful to have an opportunity to prove myself again.  I start tomorrow morning.  They are going to try me out and see how I fit in.  It is in a different geographical area which will be a nice change.  I have made the same drive for a long time and it will be nice to get a chance to see some new scenery on the way to work. 

I have learned from past experiences.  I am not putting too much stock in to tomorrow.  All I can do is do the best work I am capable of and leave it at that.  I have the skills and need to have confidence in myself.  I will not have the same responsibilities that I am used to but, I have no issues with that.  If they want me to trim all day or push mow, that is fine by me.  I just want more than anything to have success.  If they are not happy with me after a little while, then so be it.  But I cannot let it be for lack of effort on my part. I have to show confidence and good body language and bust my ass to show them the best version of Shawn.

Considering yesterday, today was an amazing day.  I just proved to myself that if I can fight through days like yesterday, good things will come.  It may not always seem like it but, there will always be positives in my life to cling on to when I am lost in darkness.  And truthfully,  days like yesterday do not happen very often anymore.  That does not mean that they are not extremely difficult to deal with at the time but, I am grateful that I am able to manage them a little easier that I used to be able to.  I can remember when there was days, weeks or even months like yesterday for me. 

I have almost deleted this blog twice in the last few months.  I changed my mind though.  I have worked hard at writing this blog and I am proud of it.  I am not trying to create a legacy, I just enjoy sharing some of my challenges and I truly love to write.  It helps me to go back and read some of my older posts and realize how far I have actually come.  And I have no idea for sure but, I would like to think some of my posts may have helped someone else and that is important to me.  I do not want to live in silence.  It is imperative, especially for young people, to understand that there is hope out there.  There is help and there are people that care.  Life can be a shit storm at times and it shows strength to ask for help, not weakness.  Never Give Up.  One day at a time.

Have a good week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.”
― Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four

Happy Thursday

Today has been a pretty low key day for me.  I took Ollie for a run first thing this morning and then we drove up to the Wellington Advertiser to pick up the paper.  I wanted to look at the help wanted section to see if anything caught my eye.

I found a really good job advertised as a roll off driver for the County Waste Management department.  I meet all the qualifications and it pays quite well.  I have nothing to lose by applying and I have to believe that I have a reasonable shot at getting an interview.  This same job actually came up in the paper last summer.  Both Jodi and my parents had encouraged me to apply for it last year but, I was hesitant as I had already committed myself for the season and I wanted to honor that commitment.  If I do not get an interview, then I haven't lost anything and at least I can say I made the effort. 

I have another therapy session next Tuesday.  It was unfortunate I could not get in this week but, I am happy I will have that to look forward to.  I have been staying positive and trying to challenge my negative thinking patterns.  But it will be good to talk through them with her again.  I only have four or five sessions available with her but, I need to make a concerted effort to maintain a connection with some form of therapy moving forward.  I live with a mental disorder and I cannot put my wellness on the shelf anymore.  I am not going to break cycles or find success with whatever comes next in my life unless I am connected with a professional that can help me process my thoughts and emotions.  I have already put far too much on other people at times and I need to take responsibility for my mental well being.  I will always have the support of people in my life, I just need to learn to fight for myself a bit.

Happy Thursday. Have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

"To all the people over the years who have put me down and called me crazy, I don't know if you could survive a day in my mind and the truth is, I would never wish this struggle on my worst enemy.  I just want them to know that they are wrong: I AM worthy."

Scarlett Kathleen

Spacing

I am feeling well today.  Hard to get too down on such a beautiful day.  I was not as active today as I have been the last week.  I had a chance to visit with my dad and have a coffee out on the deck today after I picked him up from physiotherapy.  I always enjoy chatting with my dad. We got a chance to go down memory lane a little bit,  talking about people, places and experiences from years gone by.  I have a pretty vivid memory of my childhood from growing up in Kitimat, British Columbia.  Today brought back some favorite moments of my younger years.

When I was waiting for my dad at his physiotherapy,  I could not help observing some of the landscaping present.  What caught my eye was a Mountbatten Juniper and an Upright Yew planted right beside each other.  Now I am not saying that planting these beside each other was wrong in the design but, they had been planted so close that they were growing in to each other.  This does not bode well for the health of either shrub to me does not look pleasing to look at.  Each shrub needs its own space to allow proper air flow, access to water and also to sunlight.  They should not be competing for those so close together.

I have mentioned this before but, the observation I made today stresses the importance of spacing when designing beds or deciding where to plant trees and/or shrubs.  I have seen it far too often in the last five years, where items are planted far too close to each other.  The long term maturity of a plant, shrub or tree is not taken in to consideration.  People often want instant satisfaction with their landscape, so that is why I believe at times items are planted so close.  Now although they may look aesthetically pleasing initially,  the long term look and the health of what was planted will inevitably suffer and many times items will end up dying as they may be competing with a larger/stronger plant or shrub.  I am no expert by any means but, I have seen enough landscapes to know that spacing needs to be considered.  I have seen far too often what can happen when it is not considered.  When designing your beds at home, really consider not only the initial look but, what the bed will look like three or four years down the road when plants and shrubs may be at full maturity.  Just something to think about.

Time to take Ollie for a walk.  Go Jays Go.  Take care,  Shawn.


“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
― Virginia Woolf

Mini Downzies

I woke up today not feeling nearly as positive as I did last week.  I am really struggling to get going this morning.  I know it will pass eventually and that I need to push myself to fight through the mini downzies.  I have to remind myself how far I have come over the years and although these last few weeks have been challenging,  I have proven to myself in the past that I am capable of persevering.

The end of last week was really positive.  I did a major overhaul of my parents landscape and it took me two days to complete.  There is still some odds and ends to tie up but, the finished product looks awesome.  I was really proud of my work and it gave me a sense of worth and a renewed belief in myself.  It was also nice to work with my parents and share that experience with them.  They have never really got a chance to see my work first hand so it was rewarding to be able to show them some of the skills I have learned over the years.

I need to get outside and force myself to do some work.  Just because I am not working at present time does not mean there is nothing for me to do.  There is always things I can keep myself busy with.  I am going to cut the grass here and at my parents.  I need to make one more edge here and think I will thin out our Rose of Sharon a bit.  It is amazing how well it has come back.  It was in rough shape a few years a go but, it is doing very well.  I love when it blooms in August.  Such a beautiful flower.

One of the jobs I did at my parents was to dig out everything, roots and all, at the side of their house.  My mom was looking for low maintenance so we decided to sod it.  The most challenging part was getting the bed clean.  Some of those roots had been there a long time.  It is very important when you are taking things out of beds or even weeding for that matter, to get the roots out.  It is counterproductive if the roots are not out as it will just end up making more work in the long run.

I told my my mom what I used to tell customers I worked for.  It is imperative to water sod effectively, especially in the first few weeks.  The same goes for seeding lawns through top dressing.  We used to run in to issues at times when their would be complaints that their sod or seed was not doing well. More times than not,  the issue they would be having would simply be the fact that they were not watering enough.  One time we realized that someone's hose did not even reach the area where we top dressed.  My advice would be to give sod or top dressing a good soak two to three times a day for the first few weeks.  It will invariably increase the chances for long term success of your sod or top dressing job.

I am already feeling a bit more positive after writing this today.  Time to get out and enjoy this beautiful day.  My quote last blog was Movement is Medicine which is so true.  I always feel better when I get out and do something active.  It may take a push sometimes but, it always has a good impact on me.

Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness