Positivity

Well,  Sunday is here again and I am determined not to follow the trend from the last few weeks.  I want to enjoy today and not fret about what tomorrow may bring.  I want to maintain a positive mind frame and be present for Jodi and Ollie, instead of being encompassed by anxiety.

I am really looking forward to the NFL games today.  There are a lot of interesting match ups and I am sure there will be a few surprises along the way.  I went out on a limb and picked the Browns on Thursday night for my survival pool which worked out well.  Will be nice to see what games others picked and hope for some upsets.

It is a dreary day outside.  Rain is in the forecast for the next few days.  Great day to relax inside and catch up on some phone calls to family and friends.

Only four more weeks left of cutting grass and then fall clean ups will begin.  I have made it six months and want to push myself through the last 7 to 8 weeks.  I know how rewarding it will be when I make it to my last day.  I will have so much to be proud of and just have to take it one day at time for the remainder of the season.

I am going to post some landscaping tips once in a while.  I can pass on some of the many things I have learned over the last three years.  Hope you may find them useful.

Landscaping tip of the Day: Mulching

Mulching is an effective way to limit weeds and create and aesthetically pleasing look for beds and tree pits.  There are a few things to keep in mind when mulching.

1) Weeding-  It is important to makes some effort to weed beds before laying mulch.  If you simply lay mulch on a weed infested area,  the mulch will not be able to do its job.  Make sure beds are clean before application of mulch.  Small weeds should not pose a problem but, bigger weeds should definitely be take out.  A garden hoe can be a great tool to make weeding much less tedious.

2) Thickness- Mulch should be at least two inches deep in order to be effective.  Putting too much on is much better than laying a thin layer.

3) Quality- The quality of mulch you purchase will make a big difference in the success both in appearance and with weed control.

4) Application- depending on how many yards or bags you are using,  a wheelbarrow and a pitchfork are great for applying mulch.  If you have for example, two or three yards delivered,  you  can load wheelbarrows and dump the mulch in strategic places in the bed.  Use a a pitch fork to spread the mulch.  There will be a need to spread by hand in areas with plants, shrubs and flowers in close proximity.  When spreading mulch around trees,  be sure not to load the mulch right up to the tree base.  This is not healthy for the tree.  You should mound the mulch at least a foot a way from the trunk in order to trap water for the tree depending on the size of it.

5) How often?-  A good application of mulch should last for two years.  You can add a thin layer of mulch the following year to freshen things up.

6) When to mulch?- The best time to mulch is early in the season.  This ensures you get the best bang for your buck.  You can really mulch at any point of the season but, you may as well do it earlier to make maintaining your beds simpler.  You should wait until later in the spring to make sure the ground is not frozen.  Once the ground is fully thawed out, mulch on my friend.

Happy Mulching!

Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

Good Week

Instead of writing on Sunday about any stress or worry I may be experiencing,  I thought it would be best to start the weekend off with a positive post.

I had a great week this week.  I was back in a zone again.  I also had an opportunity to work quite a bit with Heather.  When I work with her,  their is no stress which makes it easier to deal with whatever the day may bring.  I was happy I had a chance to catch up with Dave this week and hear about all the great things going on in his life.  I had a really good time with my boss at the landscape meeting and quite enjoyed checking out some Deere equipment.  I also liked listening to the guest speaker who was articulate and got through a lot of information in a short amount of time.

Today was a good example of how far I have come.  We had a late start due to weather so I did not get to work until 9:30.  We got to our first property and Jessie realized the hydraulic fluid in the Ferris was out.  We have been having some issues with this a few times this year.  We had a bottle of what we were pretty sure was hydraulic fluid but, were not sure.  I called my boss to ask and decided to blow some leaves off the lawn as it was covered in order to make it easier cut.  I decided that if I had not heard back from my boss about the fluid,  we would just use the Deere to cut the lawn.  Now in the past,  a hiccup like this would have really thrown me.  I would have been completely stressed out and would not have been able to make a decision without worrying.  Instead,  I made a call quickly and did not concern myself too much about the Ferris.  We did not do anything to cause the problem so there was no point in worrying about it.  Just moved on and finished what we were there for.

Now the last few weekends have been a struggle for me as you may have read.  I am going to make a conscience effort to enjoy the entire weekend and not think about what Monday has in store.  As the past has taught me,  spending my time filled with self induced anxiety serves no purpose.  I cannot control anything other than the rest of my night tonight.  Living my time in the past or future is only going to stall my growth mentally.  I have come so far and want to continue to learn how to better cope with my thoughts.

I am feeling content at this moment.  Sitting on the couch with Ollie watching a movie with Jodi.  Life is good.

Have an amazing weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.


 “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
― Gautama Buddha

Monday Monday

Today I was not happy or sad,  I just was.  I managed to get through the day and even got off a bit early which was a really nice way to start the week.  I definitely was not as efficient as I normally am.  Things just seemed to take me longer than normal this morning.  I also got lost on the way to aerate a property I had never been to.  The GPS took me the wrong way and I was pretty frustrated.  I relaxed a little once I realized there was not much I could do about it at the time. The job got done and I know for next time.

I tweaked my back a little on Friday and started feeling some sharp pain on the lower right side on Saturday.  Has not loosened up yet and that was part of the reason I was done a bit early today.  I wanted to get in to see someone and managed to book an appointment tonight.  Our physiotherapy clinic is awesome and I know I will feel much better after they do some adjusting.  Our regular therapist, Anne, has been off for quite some time now with some serious medical issues.  We really miss her as she is such a great person and always takes good care of Jodi and I.  Hope she recovers soon.

I have three positive things to look forward to this week.  Tomorrow night,  we are meeting Dave and Meghan for wings.  We have not seen them since the wedding so it will be awesome to catch up.  I am going to the Landscape Ontario meeting near Cambridge on Wednesday night with my boss.  It should be a good meeting and I always enjoy chatting with my boss outside of work.  This weekend,  I will get to see my niece and nephew and catch up with the Chapman's.  I have not been able to hold Micah for quite some time as I was sick the last two times we have seen them.  Cannot wait to hold her in my arms and see how much she has grown.  Looking forward to hearing how Elias is enjoying school and spending some quality time with Leslie and Bart.  So if I get the downzies in the next few days,  I just have to remind myself of all the wonderful things coming up this week.

Happy Monday.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

Sunday

I took Ollie for a walk tonight and cried again.  I spent much of the afternoon today worrying about tomorrow when I should have nothing to worry about.  We had a great week last week and my boss was able to enjoy the three days he spent a way with some friends.  I really need to find somehow to correct this trend as I spend way too much time worrying about what the new week may or may not look like.  I make some mistakes along the way but,  more times than not, I do a good job.  I have overcome many obstacles and have done an effective job in a leadership role and need to remind myself of that more often.

I really should be seeing a therapist on a regular basis to process my thoughts but, there is not really the time during the season.  It is not fair to put all my mental strains on Jodi and I need to talk to a professional to help alleviate some of my struggles.  I really hope the next two months fly by so I can start back with my counselor from last winter.

I am proud of myself for pushing through this year.  It would have been easy to give up and let situations affect my success.  I have been drained physically and mentally but, pushed through.  I have been near my breaking point but, somehow found a way to fight my way to this point.  I sprained my ankle but, only missed one day.  I did not take a mental health day again this year although I am sure there were times when I needed one.  There are so many positives to hold on to and I need to mindful of those and deter negative thought processes.

I love being happy.  I love to smile. I love to laugh.  I love to share joy with others.  I have been missing those the last few weekends and need to find them again.  Jodi needs me to be strong and enjoy the down time we have together.  Ollie needs me to be a good companion to him and reciprocate the love that he shows me every day.

I hope you have a good week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Hope is not lost if we can hold on to the small triumphs in life. 

Happy Happy Happy

Well I happy to say that today went amazingly well.  I was still struggling this morning but,  my worry was quickly put to rest. All the anxiety I had created within my mind was again proven pointless.  I need to use past successes to help me realize that worrying serves no purpose.  No one created my mental strain other than myself.  My boss did want to talk to me about a pruning job I did.  I guess the customer was a little disappointed with my work.  He just wanted to point out a few things that need improvement.  I am very good at pruning but, if I want to be great, I need to take care of the little things better.  At times,  I have rushed and not payed attention to things like making sure the plant is cleaned out.  I will make every effort to improve and will continue to learn.

I was having some thoughts of suicide yesterday but, a day like today continues to show me that life is worth living.  It was a beautiful day as the sun was shining bright and the fall colours on the trees were in full affect.  I was able to work on a fairly big hedge and enjoyed the challenge.  The customer we worked for was so nice and she was really pleased with what we did.  She even commented on how hard we work which was good to hear.  My boss dropped of a coffee for us which I really appreciated.  I was getting a little tired so a little pick me up definitely hit the spot.

I do not mention my suicidal thoughts lightly.  I am just trying to be honest and let you in to part of my journey with bi-polar.  I do not choose to have those thoughts and would rather they did not come at all.  I have so many positive things to live for but,  at times,  those positives seem to have no relevance in my mind.  They certainly do not come as often which I am thankful for.  The healthier my mind becomes,  the less they seem to appear.  I just have to push through some harder moments and continue to remember how far I have come.

I was going to watch the football game but,  think I will just catch the Jays game.  Baseball is almost over and I am certain the Broncos will make quick work of the Raiders.  Was awesome to see Jodi and Ollie tonight.  I really missed them today and am looking forward to relaxing as a family tonight.

All the best in the upcoming week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Be kind to one another.

The Weekend Blues

I have not had a good weekend.  I have been anxious and worrying about tomorrow the last two days.  My mind has been racing and I cried again tonight as I am simply drained from mental unrest.  This all started Friday after work.  We finished forty five minutes early and I did not drop one of the machines off.  Now I am sure these two factors are of no consequence but,  I did not get a chance to double check.  I even sat in my car for twenty minutes and drove to a couple of properties to make sure I had made a reasonable call but, I did not get a chance to talk to my boss.

No one has said or done anything to me but, I have created so many scenarios in my mind.  I turn something small in to an immense struggle and it frustrates me.  I do not want to think like this and would much rather enjoy my time off with Jodi.  It must be hard for Jodi when I sink in to these depressions and she tries admirably to cheer me up and I do not make an effort to change my mindset.  If history has proven anything to me,  tomorrow will probably come and I will end up having a good day.  I could certainly do without the anguish leading up to it though.

We watched Tom Brady visit with an 18 year old make a wish patient today on NFL Countdown.  The young man had a rare heart condition and his prognosis is not very positive.  He walks around with a bag around his neck in order to take the medication he needs to survive.  This 18 year old was not bitter and did not feel sorry for himself.  He had a positive outlook and said something to the affect that God only puts the strongest people through the most difficult things.  I often ask God myself why he puts challenges before me when I seem to be heading in the right direction.  Perhaps he believes I am strong enough for it but,  at times I am not sure I am.  I often feel like giving up.  Tomorrow, I feel like hiding from the world curled up in our bed.

Take care,  Shawn.

Just because the anguish in a persons mind is not visible,  does not mean that it does not exist.

The Zone

I have been in a zone this week.  Everything has gone smoothly and I have been determined not to let things phase me as much.  Hitters in baseball often say that when they are in a zone,  the ball just looks so much bigger.  It has been similar for me at work this week.  Many of our big properties have seemed like small ones and have not overwhelmed me in the slightest.  I have also been a trimming machine and have carried a quiet confidence with me each day.  I did have the downzies for a brief time at one of our properties as I think the pace I set caught up with me a bit and just felt exhausted.  Normally in the past when I get the downzies,  they seem to control the outcome of the rest of my day.  They did not last long and I was able to finish the day strong and have a good night at home.  I did get pretty frustrated on Monday as we were doing a job that I was not too familiar with.  We were setting a new drainage pipe and I was having a difficult time for parts of the day.  I felt like a dumb ass when I did not have the measuring stick extended properly and my boss had to take his measurements over again.  I envy my boss as he knows so much about every aspect of landscaping and excels at whatever project he takes on.  I did learn a lot that day though and was proud of myself for pushing through.

I am watching the Eagles and Chiefs game tonight.  I have Vick in fantasy football and am hoping he lights it up again this week.  Should be an entertaining game and I have a feeling there will not be a shortage of scoring.  I love being involved in fantasy leagues as they are a good distraction for me.  They also help keep my competitive juices flowing as I do not play too many sports these days.

We have six more weeks left of grass cutting.  I am anxious to start fall clean ups.  The end of the season is so close and I am hoping the next two months fly by.  My body definitely needs some down time and I am looking forward to starting with my counselor again.  She is easy to talk to and am looking forward to letting her know how things have been going for me.  I have been off the last two years in time for American thanksgiving which I loved as I could catch the NFL games on the Thursday.  I have a feeling I may have to work longer than that but,  I guess time will tell.  I know I will certainly be excited when that last day comes and I can drive home thinking all I have accomplished this year.

I think part of my success over the last few months has been controlling my thoughts with better consistency.  My mind was sick for a long time and it has come a long way.  The problem in years gone by is that I gave my thoughts too much power.  If something messed up crossed my mind,  I would dwell on it and let it affect me.  Now I try to view thoughts as being transparent.  I attempt to let them just flow in one side of my head and out the other.  I have had every thought imaginable in my grey matter and it was difficult to separate the healthy mind from the sick mind at times.  I now know that my thoughts do not have to mean anything.  With having bi-polar 2,  I am going to have many thoughts that are not "normal" but, that does not mean I have to give them any value in terms of who I am as a person.  I know I am a good person and have changed dramatically over the last five years.  Yes,  I have made mistakes but,  I am moving forward with a new outlook on life in general. 

Hope this finds you well.  Have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

Peace is found within.