I finished work on the 21rst of November. It felt good to have made it through another season. I continued to develop strong relationships with the people I worked with. I was able to share more of my story with others and never felt judged by them. A lot of them told me how much they respected me for my work ethic and my ability to maintain my sobriety for so long. As much I was disappointed with the hours I got this year, I am still very proud of the work I did and the respect I earned. The level of stress and anxiety that I have had in the last two years has lessened drastically. I am not sure what next year will bring for me but, I am positive that these last two years have built up my confidence to the point where I will be able to face whatever challenges the 2018 season may bring.
As you may be able to tell, I started this blog quite some time a go. I could not bring myself to finish it at the time. It has been an up and down journey since that point. I still struggle to find the peace within myself and as the calendar year has turned, I constantly wonder what path my journey will take in this new year.
If I relate my life to that of a marathon, I have reached the half way point. I am not quite sure how I survived the first half of the race and I often wonder if I have the inner strength to continue to push through the last half and cross the finish line on my own terms. I want so much to be there at the end. The daily battle within my mind and the angst that my thoughts and mood cause me at times, make the last half of my marathon seem that much more daunting to me. I have fought so hard to be at this point and I am proud of where I am and what I have overcome. My mind has been my greatest ally and my greatest enemy at the same time. I wish others could see inside my head at times to understand choices I have made, behaviors I have shown or how my mood can fluctuate so drastically within a short period of time. I think a light bulb would go off in many of those people that have been part of my life for so long.
I am very fortunate to have had the people in my life that I have had. Without those around me, my story would have had a different ending. When I am in a deep depression, I often find myself thinking of those people that are such an important part of my life. Their mere presence in my mind often helps me find ways to search for the positive within negative thought patterns. Never underestimate the impact you can have on someones life. Relationships and connections to others are so important and their is always someone else that can relate to you in some way.
I turn 42 next weekend. I have everything I want and need but, I still struggle knowing that I am not where I imagined I would be on a personal level. Managing bi polar and addictions is not a simple task and I am still proud of things I have accomplished considering. There is still part of me that wonders what I could have accomplished if my mind had been able to function differently. I find myself jealous at times of friends I used to have growing up and the things they were able to accomplish academically and professionally. I get pissed off at the fact that bi polar and addiction has affected so many aspects of my life and thwarted many hopes and dreams for myself growing up. I know that is a self defeating way to think but, it is just what I feel sometimes.
I will strive to write more in this blog in 2018. I miss it. I have some many ideas of things I want to write about and need to motivate myself to stroke these keys more often. I really hope you are doing well wherever you may be in this world. I appreciate you taking the time to listen to what I share and I want to help someone else in some way to overcome obstacles they may be facing.
All the best in 2018. Take care, Shawn.
“Soon, when all is well, you're going to look back on this period of your life and be so glad that you never gave up.”
―
Brittany Burgunder
Thursday, 4 January 2018
Wednesday, 15 November 2017
A Little Racy
Today was a little challenging. I had a difficult time slowing my mind down. It was racing. I was tired. I felt overwhelmed. I left work early to come home. I slept for a couple hours and had a shower. I am feeling much better now.
The season is winding down. It has been a slow year for hours this year. I make a good hourly rate but, we simply did not get enough hours. I ran in to the same situation last year at times and I believe it may be time for a change. That in itself is very scary to me. I have found success again at my current job and I am well liked as a person and respected for my work ethic. And I have no idea what path my life will take next year. I have considered many options but, will need to take some time to think things through. I cannot simply take another job for the sake of working. I have to be very careful that I choose something that I will be successful at, I will enjoy and that I can make the money that I deserve to be making. I have to choose a path that will enable me to maintain some amount of mental stability. I want to work for a company that appreciates the work I do and I want to feel valued as an employee. I want to continue to prove that I am capable of providing a level of excellence at my vocation that very few others possess. I am sure that something will present itself to me in the winter months. I have to stay positive and remember the successes I have had in the last few years.
I would like to start uploading some videos next year. Just some how to videos in terms of basic pruning. I see so many properties in my travels at work where, there is both a lack of pruning and also a lack of proper pruning techniques. I was fortunate to learn from the best and I take great pride in my abilities to prune a variety of plants, shrubs and trees. As I have mentioned many times, pruning is my happy place. It is the only time when my mind is truly at ease and I am thankful I was introduced to the practice.
I hope you are doing well. Enjoy the rest of your week. Take care, Shawn.
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss
The season is winding down. It has been a slow year for hours this year. I make a good hourly rate but, we simply did not get enough hours. I ran in to the same situation last year at times and I believe it may be time for a change. That in itself is very scary to me. I have found success again at my current job and I am well liked as a person and respected for my work ethic. And I have no idea what path my life will take next year. I have considered many options but, will need to take some time to think things through. I cannot simply take another job for the sake of working. I have to be very careful that I choose something that I will be successful at, I will enjoy and that I can make the money that I deserve to be making. I have to choose a path that will enable me to maintain some amount of mental stability. I want to work for a company that appreciates the work I do and I want to feel valued as an employee. I want to continue to prove that I am capable of providing a level of excellence at my vocation that very few others possess. I am sure that something will present itself to me in the winter months. I have to stay positive and remember the successes I have had in the last few years.
I would like to start uploading some videos next year. Just some how to videos in terms of basic pruning. I see so many properties in my travels at work where, there is both a lack of pruning and also a lack of proper pruning techniques. I was fortunate to learn from the best and I take great pride in my abilities to prune a variety of plants, shrubs and trees. As I have mentioned many times, pruning is my happy place. It is the only time when my mind is truly at ease and I am thankful I was introduced to the practice.
I hope you are doing well. Enjoy the rest of your week. Take care, Shawn.
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss
Saturday, 4 November 2017
Grab Hold Of The Light
I celebrated 8 years sober this past Thursday. Every November 2nd reminds me of where my life was and where it is now because I finally made the choice to abstain from alcohol. I could never control my alcohol intake and was often embarrassed and ashamed of the person I was when I became inebriated. I hope my ability to change over time can help others realize that it is never too late to make steps in a positive direction. Abstaining from alcohol did not solve my issues or make struggles go a way. I still live with bi polar disorder and have yet to conquer my gambling addiction. However, the fact that I no longer consume alcohol gives my mind the clarity to manage my thoughts, moods and emotions a little easier. It made it possible for me to maintain relationships in my life and show those in my life that their presence in my life meant more to me than anything I ever found in a bottle. The fact that I have maintained employment for seven years in a row in the same industry is just one example of how abstaining has made a big impact in my life.
A friend of ours lost one of their friends last week. The individual took their own life. It makes me sad inside when I hear stories like that. Our community also just lost a grade 10 student to suicide. I know what state of mind they were in before they made that last choice. I have been in that moment thousands of times. Simply wanting the pain and anguish inside to end, not feeling as though you can fight anymore. The darkness inside just permeating throughout your whole body. I wish they had been able to found some form of hope or lightness in their final moments. It always hurts to lose someone. I know losing a person to suicide is an awful situation. More questions than answers. Thinking what could have been done. The could have , should have and would haves. I do not have any answers on how to deal with such a tragedy. I would take solace in the fact that the pain they were going through in those last moments, days or months is now gone. Cherish the person they were and try to turn the loss in to something positive that may in the end help others who may find themselves in those moments.
I will always be at risk of taking my own life. I am not trying to be dire or cause any worry. It is just a simple fact of my life. I do not have suicidal thoughts daily anymore but, their is still not a week that goes by that I do not think about it at least once. I have learned over time to process these thoughts and not give them the power that they used to hold over me. I have no intentions to and find myself believing that I have some sort of purpose in helping others navigate mental illness and being able to find some fulfillment in their lives.
One of the strategies I used to use when some of my days were filled with these thoughts was to find anything to help get me through the day. If someone had a birthday on the weekend, I would push myself through just to get to the weekend. If someone was a way on holidays, I would tell myself that I could not take my own life as I would not want to ruin their holiday. I would even just break the day in to segments. Ok Shawn, you just have to get to break. Then after break, I would tell myself that I just needed to get to lunch. Breaking the day in to manageable sections. When I went through months where my days were filled with darkness, I would try as hard I fucking could to find anythings that resembled something positive. Trying to grab on to anything to get me through till the next day.
I do not have all the answers. I am not an expert. I just know that I have lived it. If you are reading this and maybe you are struggling to get through, know that I understand what you are going through. And also know that I am living proof that mental illness in all its many shapes and forms can be managed. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My life is not perfect and I still have many things to work on but, I am still here. I have been in the darkest of moments and I was able to get to this point. And now my good days outweigh my bad ones and I have actually been able to find moments of joy in life. Keep fighting. You are worth it, you are valuable and people care about you. The sun eventually comes out after every storm.
I hope this finds you well. Happy Saturday. Take care, Shawn.
A friend of ours lost one of their friends last week. The individual took their own life. It makes me sad inside when I hear stories like that. Our community also just lost a grade 10 student to suicide. I know what state of mind they were in before they made that last choice. I have been in that moment thousands of times. Simply wanting the pain and anguish inside to end, not feeling as though you can fight anymore. The darkness inside just permeating throughout your whole body. I wish they had been able to found some form of hope or lightness in their final moments. It always hurts to lose someone. I know losing a person to suicide is an awful situation. More questions than answers. Thinking what could have been done. The could have , should have and would haves. I do not have any answers on how to deal with such a tragedy. I would take solace in the fact that the pain they were going through in those last moments, days or months is now gone. Cherish the person they were and try to turn the loss in to something positive that may in the end help others who may find themselves in those moments.
I will always be at risk of taking my own life. I am not trying to be dire or cause any worry. It is just a simple fact of my life. I do not have suicidal thoughts daily anymore but, their is still not a week that goes by that I do not think about it at least once. I have learned over time to process these thoughts and not give them the power that they used to hold over me. I have no intentions to and find myself believing that I have some sort of purpose in helping others navigate mental illness and being able to find some fulfillment in their lives.
One of the strategies I used to use when some of my days were filled with these thoughts was to find anything to help get me through the day. If someone had a birthday on the weekend, I would push myself through just to get to the weekend. If someone was a way on holidays, I would tell myself that I could not take my own life as I would not want to ruin their holiday. I would even just break the day in to segments. Ok Shawn, you just have to get to break. Then after break, I would tell myself that I just needed to get to lunch. Breaking the day in to manageable sections. When I went through months where my days were filled with darkness, I would try as hard I fucking could to find anythings that resembled something positive. Trying to grab on to anything to get me through till the next day.
I do not have all the answers. I am not an expert. I just know that I have lived it. If you are reading this and maybe you are struggling to get through, know that I understand what you are going through. And also know that I am living proof that mental illness in all its many shapes and forms can be managed. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My life is not perfect and I still have many things to work on but, I am still here. I have been in the darkest of moments and I was able to get to this point. And now my good days outweigh my bad ones and I have actually been able to find moments of joy in life. Keep fighting. You are worth it, you are valuable and people care about you. The sun eventually comes out after every storm.
I hope this finds you well. Happy Saturday. Take care, Shawn.
Our human compassion
binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as
human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope
for the future.
Nelson Mandela
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
Our human compassion
binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as
human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope
for the future.
Nelson Mandela
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Monday, 22 May 2017
Been a While
It has been a very long time since I last wrote in this blog. I have missed writing immensely. I love the stroke of the keyboard as I try to filter through my thoughts and write something tangible.
We have been without a computer for the past six months. We finally committed to purchasing a new one and both Jodi and I are content with our decision. She has report cards coming up so the timing of it it perfect.
I am not going to write much today as I am extremely tired and need to get ready for bed soon. As always, routine is so important for me. I will share some longer posts later in the week.
I will report that I am managing things quite well these days. I have been finding a healthy balance for the most part in my life. I take my medications like clock work and am more astute in handling any mood shifts or negative thought patterns. I have found a counselor that I will be checking in with monthly. We are working at peeling back some of the layers and getting to the root of some things. I am really enjoying my nights and weekends at home. I do not concern myself with work matters once I step in the car to drive home. My time is now my time and it has been a welcome change.
I will fill in the last six months in a little more detail in the next few weeks.
Hope this finds you well. Happy Monday. Take care, Shawn.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
We have been without a computer for the past six months. We finally committed to purchasing a new one and both Jodi and I are content with our decision. She has report cards coming up so the timing of it it perfect.
I am not going to write much today as I am extremely tired and need to get ready for bed soon. As always, routine is so important for me. I will share some longer posts later in the week.
I will report that I am managing things quite well these days. I have been finding a healthy balance for the most part in my life. I take my medications like clock work and am more astute in handling any mood shifts or negative thought patterns. I have found a counselor that I will be checking in with monthly. We are working at peeling back some of the layers and getting to the root of some things. I am really enjoying my nights and weekends at home. I do not concern myself with work matters once I step in the car to drive home. My time is now my time and it has been a welcome change.
I will fill in the last six months in a little more detail in the next few weeks.
Hope this finds you well. Happy Monday. Take care, Shawn.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wednesday, 25 January 2017
Let's Talk
Today is Bell Let's Talk Day in Canada. This was an initiative that was started in 2010 by Bell to raise funds for mental health programs but, more importantly to start conversations around mental health. You would be hard pressed to find anyone that had not been affected by mental health either directly or indirectly in their lives. Mental health does not discriminate. It affects both male and female. It affects people with financial stability and those that may struggle to get by. It affects every race. It affects people from every religious background. It affects the young and the old. Mental health connects people from these varying stations in a powerful way. That is why days like this are so important.
For every text from bell customers, long distance phone call from bell customers, facebook shares and tweet (using #bellletstalk) raises five cents for mental health initiatives in Canada. More importantly, it helps people share their stories with others and let those that may be struggling in silence know they are truly not alone.
I have lived with bi polar disorder probably since I was 17 or 18 years old. I always knew something was a little off with my mind but, did not know anything about mental health or bi polar back then. I just felt different. I did suffer in silence for a very long time and it was not until I learned to share, open up and ask for help that I was able to begin the healing process. Through the support of my friends, family and my amazing wife, Jodi, I have gotten to a point in my life where I am no longer ashamed. I have no issue sharing my story with others as I believe that in sharing part of my story helps others that live with mental illness to know that it is ok to not be ok.
It is important to realize that mental illness does not just affect the person that is living with it but, also those connected to them whether it be friends, family or partners. My journey through life with bi polar has affected a lot of people along the way and has often put an immense strain on relationships, jobs and physical health. Today is very important for everyone affected by mental illness, not just those living with it.
As I am up early this morning watching Milos Raonic attempt to take down one of the greatest tennis players ever in Rafael Nadal, I reflect on how fortunate I am to be here today. I have had thoughts of ending my life thousands of times over the last twenty plus years but, I am still here. I was able to find a way to continue fighting, pushing through the darkest of times. It has not been easy but, I am thankful I am still here.
For every text from bell customers, long distance phone call from bell customers, facebook shares and tweet (using #bellletstalk) raises five cents for mental health initiatives in Canada. More importantly, it helps people share their stories with others and let those that may be struggling in silence know they are truly not alone.
I have lived with bi polar disorder probably since I was 17 or 18 years old. I always knew something was a little off with my mind but, did not know anything about mental health or bi polar back then. I just felt different. I did suffer in silence for a very long time and it was not until I learned to share, open up and ask for help that I was able to begin the healing process. Through the support of my friends, family and my amazing wife, Jodi, I have gotten to a point in my life where I am no longer ashamed. I have no issue sharing my story with others as I believe that in sharing part of my story helps others that live with mental illness to know that it is ok to not be ok.
It is important to realize that mental illness does not just affect the person that is living with it but, also those connected to them whether it be friends, family or partners. My journey through life with bi polar has affected a lot of people along the way and has often put an immense strain on relationships, jobs and physical health. Today is very important for everyone affected by mental illness, not just those living with it.
As I am up early this morning watching Milos Raonic attempt to take down one of the greatest tennis players ever in Rafael Nadal, I reflect on how fortunate I am to be here today. I have had thoughts of ending my life thousands of times over the last twenty plus years but, I am still here. I was able to find a way to continue fighting, pushing through the darkest of times. It has not been easy but, I am thankful I am still here.
You are not alone
You are not weak
There is help
There are people that care about you
The light will shine through
You are worth it
You deserve joy and happiness
Keep fighting
Shawn
Wednesday, 21 December 2016
Kindness
I have found myself caught up in the holiday spirit this year. Not in terms of receiving things but, rather spreading Christmas cheer myself.
As you may know, I have always enjoyed writing. I used to write many letters when I was younger and also remembered how amazing it was to get one in the mail. This year, I spent a few days writing holiday cards and letters to those closest to me. I really wanted to let others know this year that I was thinking of them and that I appreciated their presence in my life. It helped me realize that I was still connected to a lot of people and that I need to keep those connections alive.
The holidays can be a stressful time for many. I have learned that giving of ones self with simple acts of kindness can go a long way this time of year. Showing kindness to someone is free to give but, it goes a lot further than any gift you can buy for someone.
As I have been in the holiday spirit this year, I have been doing some snow blowing and shoveling for others on my street and on my parents streets. The one morning after a pretty good snowfall, I was at my parents clearing their driveway and back patio. I saw that our friends Angie and Rob had not cleared their driveway. I still remember a few years a go, that Rob helped my parents out by doing their driveway. I decided to clear their driveway that morning, not expecting anything in return. I was done and was walking the snowblower back to my parents. I could not hear much but, I guess Angie had come out to talk to me and she ended up following me to my folks place. She came up to me and thanked me so much for doing their driveway and gave me a big hug. That moment was a great example of how a simple act can have an amazing impact on people.
There is much negativity and hate in the world at the moment. It is hard to ignore at times. But for all that negativity and hate, their is far more people that show kindness and generosity in this world. Kindness and generosity does not grab the headlines or the front page of the newspaper. That does not mean it is not out there. At this point in our world, we need to be sharing those stories more. People respecting and loving one another for who they are. For all the evil we face, their is still and always will be, far more good on this planet. We need to stick together and spread kindness, respect and love around. Our story will have a happy ending and we need to work together to achieve that.
So this holiday season, challenge yourself to spread some kindness around.
A very happy holidays to everyone!!!
Take care, Shawn.
One love, one heart. Let's get together and feel alright.
Bob Marley
Kindness is like a boomerang, the more you throw it around, the more it will come back to you.
Unknown
As you may know, I have always enjoyed writing. I used to write many letters when I was younger and also remembered how amazing it was to get one in the mail. This year, I spent a few days writing holiday cards and letters to those closest to me. I really wanted to let others know this year that I was thinking of them and that I appreciated their presence in my life. It helped me realize that I was still connected to a lot of people and that I need to keep those connections alive.
The holidays can be a stressful time for many. I have learned that giving of ones self with simple acts of kindness can go a long way this time of year. Showing kindness to someone is free to give but, it goes a lot further than any gift you can buy for someone.
As I have been in the holiday spirit this year, I have been doing some snow blowing and shoveling for others on my street and on my parents streets. The one morning after a pretty good snowfall, I was at my parents clearing their driveway and back patio. I saw that our friends Angie and Rob had not cleared their driveway. I still remember a few years a go, that Rob helped my parents out by doing their driveway. I decided to clear their driveway that morning, not expecting anything in return. I was done and was walking the snowblower back to my parents. I could not hear much but, I guess Angie had come out to talk to me and she ended up following me to my folks place. She came up to me and thanked me so much for doing their driveway and gave me a big hug. That moment was a great example of how a simple act can have an amazing impact on people.
There is much negativity and hate in the world at the moment. It is hard to ignore at times. But for all that negativity and hate, their is far more people that show kindness and generosity in this world. Kindness and generosity does not grab the headlines or the front page of the newspaper. That does not mean it is not out there. At this point in our world, we need to be sharing those stories more. People respecting and loving one another for who they are. For all the evil we face, their is still and always will be, far more good on this planet. We need to stick together and spread kindness, respect and love around. Our story will have a happy ending and we need to work together to achieve that.
So this holiday season, challenge yourself to spread some kindness around.
A very happy holidays to everyone!!!
Take care, Shawn.
One love, one heart. Let's get together and feel alright.
Bob Marley
Kindness is like a boomerang, the more you throw it around, the more it will come back to you.
Unknown
Wednesday, 14 December 2016
Empowering
I was planning on writing a bit more lately but, our lap top has been on the fritz. Fortunately I was able to get it working today.
Last week, I had an amazing experience. My friend Lincoln is a high school teacher. He mentioned that his class was doing a unit on mental health and so I offered to speak to them about my experience. He was chatting with his colleague and she asked if I would speak to two of her classes while I was up too.
I decided it was best to go up the night before. Their first class was at 8:00. I stayed with Lincoln and his wonderful wife Meghan. We have not really known each other for that long but, I feel as though I have known them for a really long time. It was so nice to catch up with them and their two boys. Lincoln and I had some amazing chats. It was a little different not having Jodi there. I missed her and Ollie a lot but, I know she supported me with what I was doing.
Now I have never formally talked openly to a group about my story of living with bi polar and two addictions. I had been nervous for the few days leading up to it but, that washed a way when I went in to the class room. I knew what I was about to do was important and I have no issue with sharing some of my story. By sharing with these students, I was hoping to impact them in a positive way and make them realize that it is ok to share feelings and there is no shame in reaching out for help when they need it.
I had prepared well for this. I had typed out what I wanted to say on four pages. I also had 6 or 7 cue cards with some key points as well. I was able to get a sling from my dad, George. The purpose of the sling was to get the kids to differentiate between physical illness and mental illness.
The first class was grade 11 girls. I had my sling on. I asked if any of them could tell what was wrong with me. A few of the girls said that something was wrong with my arm. I then tore off the sling and threw it to the side. My ploy had worked. I then told them that there was currently nothing wrong with me physically but, that did not mean that I was not struggling internally. I think I got that point across well to them, that mental illness is not always visible.
I did look down a few times during the first class but, kept my presentation flowing well. I was happy that I was able to maintain their attention for the duration of my talk. I made sure to maintain eye contact with all of them and was impressed with their attentiveness. I think part of it was that my story, was one they wanted to hear. Having me there talking about mental health and addiction in person made it real. They had a face to connect with it.
I shared my story with them. Discussing when I first started showing symptoms in my life, telling them that it was close to their age. I talked about my first major depressive episode and how scary that was. I talked about my struggle with addiction. I talked about the fact that my illness did not just affect me but, those around me. I shared that things have gotten better. I shared some of the things that have helped me along the way. I told them that they should value themselves and never give up on themselves. I told them that there is always someone that cares about us and that they are never alone. I told them that there is always some way to find help. If one door for help shuts, then knock on the next door and do not stop fighting for yourself. I talked about the importance of building self confidence and learning how to stand up for themselves. I told them that I had thought about ending my life thousands of times but, have come out the other side because I found a way to fight through and never gave up. I told them that each of us has great capacity within ourselves to overcome challenges in life. I told them that I believed part of the reason I have got to this point in life was to be able to share my story with them and help them in their journey.
It was one of the most empowering moments of my life. I know I connected with them on some level. The other classes went amazingly well. There were a few girls that stayed behind to talk to their teacher after I talked. And one of the guys in Lincoln's class stayed behind after to talk to me as he told me he had a friend who was struggling with depression.
I drove home that day with a smile on my face. My story with mental illness and addiction was able to reach out to some young people and affect them positively in some way. I hope I have another opportunity to speak as I felt quite comfortable doing it. I want to be able to connect with others and make it easier to share feelings and struggles. It was a really good day. :)
Enjoy your day.
Never give up hope. It can get better and it will get better. Keep fighting.
Take care, Shawn.
Last week, I had an amazing experience. My friend Lincoln is a high school teacher. He mentioned that his class was doing a unit on mental health and so I offered to speak to them about my experience. He was chatting with his colleague and she asked if I would speak to two of her classes while I was up too.
I decided it was best to go up the night before. Their first class was at 8:00. I stayed with Lincoln and his wonderful wife Meghan. We have not really known each other for that long but, I feel as though I have known them for a really long time. It was so nice to catch up with them and their two boys. Lincoln and I had some amazing chats. It was a little different not having Jodi there. I missed her and Ollie a lot but, I know she supported me with what I was doing.
Now I have never formally talked openly to a group about my story of living with bi polar and two addictions. I had been nervous for the few days leading up to it but, that washed a way when I went in to the class room. I knew what I was about to do was important and I have no issue with sharing some of my story. By sharing with these students, I was hoping to impact them in a positive way and make them realize that it is ok to share feelings and there is no shame in reaching out for help when they need it.
I had prepared well for this. I had typed out what I wanted to say on four pages. I also had 6 or 7 cue cards with some key points as well. I was able to get a sling from my dad, George. The purpose of the sling was to get the kids to differentiate between physical illness and mental illness.
The first class was grade 11 girls. I had my sling on. I asked if any of them could tell what was wrong with me. A few of the girls said that something was wrong with my arm. I then tore off the sling and threw it to the side. My ploy had worked. I then told them that there was currently nothing wrong with me physically but, that did not mean that I was not struggling internally. I think I got that point across well to them, that mental illness is not always visible.
I did look down a few times during the first class but, kept my presentation flowing well. I was happy that I was able to maintain their attention for the duration of my talk. I made sure to maintain eye contact with all of them and was impressed with their attentiveness. I think part of it was that my story, was one they wanted to hear. Having me there talking about mental health and addiction in person made it real. They had a face to connect with it.
I shared my story with them. Discussing when I first started showing symptoms in my life, telling them that it was close to their age. I talked about my first major depressive episode and how scary that was. I talked about my struggle with addiction. I talked about the fact that my illness did not just affect me but, those around me. I shared that things have gotten better. I shared some of the things that have helped me along the way. I told them that they should value themselves and never give up on themselves. I told them that there is always someone that cares about us and that they are never alone. I told them that there is always some way to find help. If one door for help shuts, then knock on the next door and do not stop fighting for yourself. I talked about the importance of building self confidence and learning how to stand up for themselves. I told them that I had thought about ending my life thousands of times but, have come out the other side because I found a way to fight through and never gave up. I told them that each of us has great capacity within ourselves to overcome challenges in life. I told them that I believed part of the reason I have got to this point in life was to be able to share my story with them and help them in their journey.
It was one of the most empowering moments of my life. I know I connected with them on some level. The other classes went amazingly well. There were a few girls that stayed behind to talk to their teacher after I talked. And one of the guys in Lincoln's class stayed behind after to talk to me as he told me he had a friend who was struggling with depression.
I drove home that day with a smile on my face. My story with mental illness and addiction was able to reach out to some young people and affect them positively in some way. I hope I have another opportunity to speak as I felt quite comfortable doing it. I want to be able to connect with others and make it easier to share feelings and struggles. It was a really good day. :)
Enjoy your day.
Never give up hope. It can get better and it will get better. Keep fighting.
Take care, Shawn.
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