The madness has begun and what a roller coaster ride it has been so far. Mercer put a big dent in my bracket as I had Duke going to the final eight. They played really well though and deserved to win that game. They played great team basketball and stuck together throughout. I did pick SF Austin to upset VCU, what a crazy game that was. I thought it was over and then saw they hit a three pointer with the foul with three seconds left. Who would have thought. Watching Pitt and Florida right now, pulling for the Panthers to take down the number one seed.
I have been doing fairly well of late. My mind has been relatively balanced and I am feeling positive moving forward. I started going to a mood disorder group in Guelph and it has been quite beneficial to me. It is nice to share things with people who understand where you are coming from and have no interest in judging you as a person. I will continue to go as much as I can as I believe as I have found strength in the commonalities we share in that room.
The landscaping season is right around the corner and I am trying to plan for positive outcomes rather than negative outcomes. I know what to expect and know some of the challenges that I may face. There are so many positive aspects of my work and I need to focus on those. Taking one day at a time and not allowing myself to let things linger in my mind at the end of the day. Just do the best I can each day and then try again the next day. We have so much work ahead of us as there is still a lot of damage from the ice storm to clean up. In an ideal situation, there would be no snow on the ground, no damage and we could start our regular spring clean ups. Well, mother nature has had other plans so we just have to make the best of things and chip a way at one property at a time.
My medical for my D license is going to take another few months. I am not too worried about it at this point and I am sure it will work out. There are so many things in our lives that our out of our control. What I do control is how I react to them and I want to work on that more in the next few months.
Clara Hughes has started her cycling journey throughout the country to help raise funds and spread the word surrounding mental health. If you want to follow her or donate funds, her website is at www.clarasbigride.bell.ca I urge you to take a look at her site. You may learn some things about mental health and you may be able to help someone out there. The more we talk, the more we learn.
Hope this finds you well. I will try to write more frequently as I have really missing jotting down my thoughts.
Take care, Shawn.
As Ellen always says, Be Kind to One Another
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Monday, 3 March 2014
Been a While
I woke up today and my mind instantly started racing. It was not a good start to the day. Not sure why exactly as I did have a good sleep last night. Too many things on my mind I guess. I was just thinking far too much this morning and the negative thoughts were prevailing over the positive ones which in turn affected my mood.
I had another case of the downzies today and decided it was time I got in to see someone to help process some of my thoughts. I have an appointment at Homewood Addictions Services with a great counselor who I have seen in the past. I also had a chance to speak with a local therapist and I am thinking of setting something up with her as well to check in more regularly. It is important for me to reach out for professional help which is something I have not been doing over the last year. When I find counselors/therapists that I feel comfortable with, it helps me immensely to share my thoughts without worrying about being judged. I always feel like a small weight has been lifted after good appointments and I leave feeling positive more times than not.
I wish this damn snow would melt. The landscaping season is right around the corner and this weather and prolonged winter is going to make things difficult for us. We have so much work to do before we can even start spring clean ups. There is so much damage from the ice storm still and we will definitely have our work cut out for us. I am scared of being overwhelmed early on but, I know we can only take it one day at a time. I always have anxiety when the season approaches. I have difficulty with transitions and I always worry that I will not be able to handle the various situations that arise in a long season. I have proved that I am capable but, I always seem to doubt myself. Jesse and Heather are coming back which is great. I love working with both of them and they make getting through the difficult days a little easier. As of right now, we are two people short from last year so hopefully manage alright. I foresee quite a few six day weeks for the first month or so which is fine by me. As long as we find ways as a team to limit some of the stress and work together to be an efficient unit. I know we can find a way to get through, we always do it seems.
I have not written in my blog for quite some time. I have started writing a few times but, then lost interest or became distracted. I really need to make more of an effort to write consistently as it always makes me feel better. When I least feel like writing, I should write. I am not writing to become famous or anything but, sharing some of my thoughts here is therapeutic for me. If no one ever read these posts, it would still be beneficial for me to write. It helps get some things off my mind and I truly enjoy the art of writing.
Before I go, I just wanted to say how proud I was of all our Canadian athletes at the winter Olympics. What an amazing journey they took us on over the two weeks and how well they represented our country. The Olympics has become more commercial as the years have gone by but, their is still a purity that I love about the competition. Go Canada Go!!!!
Take care, Shawn.
“Hide your craziness behind a beautiful smile. That's all you need.”
― Paulo Coelho
I had another case of the downzies today and decided it was time I got in to see someone to help process some of my thoughts. I have an appointment at Homewood Addictions Services with a great counselor who I have seen in the past. I also had a chance to speak with a local therapist and I am thinking of setting something up with her as well to check in more regularly. It is important for me to reach out for professional help which is something I have not been doing over the last year. When I find counselors/therapists that I feel comfortable with, it helps me immensely to share my thoughts without worrying about being judged. I always feel like a small weight has been lifted after good appointments and I leave feeling positive more times than not.
I wish this damn snow would melt. The landscaping season is right around the corner and this weather and prolonged winter is going to make things difficult for us. We have so much work to do before we can even start spring clean ups. There is so much damage from the ice storm still and we will definitely have our work cut out for us. I am scared of being overwhelmed early on but, I know we can only take it one day at a time. I always have anxiety when the season approaches. I have difficulty with transitions and I always worry that I will not be able to handle the various situations that arise in a long season. I have proved that I am capable but, I always seem to doubt myself. Jesse and Heather are coming back which is great. I love working with both of them and they make getting through the difficult days a little easier. As of right now, we are two people short from last year so hopefully manage alright. I foresee quite a few six day weeks for the first month or so which is fine by me. As long as we find ways as a team to limit some of the stress and work together to be an efficient unit. I know we can find a way to get through, we always do it seems.
I have not written in my blog for quite some time. I have started writing a few times but, then lost interest or became distracted. I really need to make more of an effort to write consistently as it always makes me feel better. When I least feel like writing, I should write. I am not writing to become famous or anything but, sharing some of my thoughts here is therapeutic for me. If no one ever read these posts, it would still be beneficial for me to write. It helps get some things off my mind and I truly enjoy the art of writing.
Before I go, I just wanted to say how proud I was of all our Canadian athletes at the winter Olympics. What an amazing journey they took us on over the two weeks and how well they represented our country. The Olympics has become more commercial as the years have gone by but, their is still a purity that I love about the competition. Go Canada Go!!!!
Take care, Shawn.
“Hide your craziness behind a beautiful smile. That's all you need.”
― Paulo Coelho
Monday, 10 February 2014
Good Decision
I had a moment of clarity today. My mind was clearer than it has been in a long time. The anxiety and stress was absent from my daily musings. My thoughts were not racing with a lot of negative bullshit. It was my best day in a long time.
I decided today that I am going to go back for another season. It just became apparent to me today that it was the best choice for me. I love working outside and love the customers we have. I know all the properties and have a good idea of how to get to most of them. I still have much to learn but, I seem to have a good skill set for the landscaping industry. I take pride in my work and love seeing a good finished product. My boss and his wife have been very good to me and we have been through a lot together. They are good people and I think this may be our best year yet. I love working with Jessie and Heather as they are two of my favorite people. I know there is a good chance that there will be somebody new again but, I don't have to worry about that.
A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders today simply by making a decision and feeling good about the decision I made. I still would like to try driving in the future but, I can look at that next winter. I was pretty pissed off about not getting my learners on Friday but, there is not much I can do at this point. I just have to be patient and hope for the best.
Battery is going to die so I will end here. Today was a good day and I am going to enjoy it right till the end. Take care, Shawn.
I decided today that I am going to go back for another season. It just became apparent to me today that it was the best choice for me. I love working outside and love the customers we have. I know all the properties and have a good idea of how to get to most of them. I still have much to learn but, I seem to have a good skill set for the landscaping industry. I take pride in my work and love seeing a good finished product. My boss and his wife have been very good to me and we have been through a lot together. They are good people and I think this may be our best year yet. I love working with Jessie and Heather as they are two of my favorite people. I know there is a good chance that there will be somebody new again but, I don't have to worry about that.
A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders today simply by making a decision and feeling good about the decision I made. I still would like to try driving in the future but, I can look at that next winter. I was pretty pissed off about not getting my learners on Friday but, there is not much I can do at this point. I just have to be patient and hope for the best.
Battery is going to die so I will end here. Today was a good day and I am going to enjoy it right till the end. Take care, Shawn.
Friday, 7 February 2014
Tired
I cried yesterday. I cried today. I am tired of crying.
I have been having a very difficult time of late. My mind has been racing a lot, have been feeling low and suicidal thoughts have been rampant.
I have really been struggling with what to do in the spring. I have begun the process of upgrading my license to a DZ. I am done the in class and went to take my learners today in Guelph. In order to get a learners, I had to get a physical yesterday which is part of the reason I cried yesterday. I was already having a tough time mentally and my physical just added to the anguish in my mind. My physical was going really well and then my doctor came to the part on the form regarding neurological and substance abuse. He had to fill in that I had bi-polar two and that I have had issues with alcohol even though I have been sober for over four years. I had never really thought about those things being an issue for the upgrade of my license so it caught me off guard. It really threw me off and I broke down crying after I left my parents place.
Today I woke up feeling a little better and was excited to take my learners. There was some apprehension as I had a gut feeling that the bi-polar and the alcohol on the form may be an issue. I took up my form and the lady at the counter and waited for my test. I knew I was in trouble when she started taking second and third glances at my form and she proceeded to take it to her supervisor. She informed me that my medical would have to be sent a way to be processed due to the bi-polar and alcohol. She said it would take at least two weeks. They won't even call me when it is done, I have to drive down to Guelph just to check if it has come back from the ministry. Needless to say, I was not too happy. All she told me is that there was nothing she could do. I stormed out of the drive test center muttering profanities as I left. I started crying again on the way home.
Now I understand she was just doing her job but, that doesn't make it easier for me to digest. I am just trying to do something that would allow me to support my family better in the future. I have been driving with a G license for over twenty years. I have a clean drivers abstract. The fact that I have a mental disorder does not diminish my ability to be a good driver. And alcohol is a non-issue in my life at this point and I have no plans to change that. If my medical does not get passed, I believe I will be making some calls to the human rights commission. I should have called the human rights commission when I had issues with the school board and I will not stand silent again this time around.
So needless to say, it has been a shitty few weeks. Now I cannot book my in truck lessons till at least the end of February if my medical is actually cleared. That means I will probably not get my license till the end of March which is cutting it close with the upcoming spring.
I was having difficulty deciding what to do. Perhaps this will make it easier for me to decide. I love landscaping and I am good at what I do. I still have lots to learn but, it is something I have excelled at over the last few years. I know the challenges that would face me if I go back and most of them are in my head. It literally takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears for me to get through a season. I just have to decide if I am strong enough to push through another eight months. There is also the possibility of becoming a driver, assuming the crap with my medical gets sorted out. I can make more money and work year round which would help Jodi and I a lot. There would be positives and negatives with driving to. I have just been having a really difficult time deciding what the best thing for me to do is. I have been torn in so many different directions. Ultimately, I have to go with what my heart tells me and stand by whatever decision I make. If I stay with landscaping, I will try to be the best damn landscaper I can be. If I decide to become a driver, I will work hard to be one of the most efficient drivers on the road.
The other thing that has been weighing on my mind is the house we are living in. There is a very good chance we will have to move out as the owners want to sell sometime soon. I wish we were in a position to buy it as I know Jodi really wants to own a house. She deserves a house and it kills me I have not been able to provide that for her.
I don't have any uplifting words of wisdom today. Just trying to get through the day.
Take care, Shawn.
I have been having a very difficult time of late. My mind has been racing a lot, have been feeling low and suicidal thoughts have been rampant.
I have really been struggling with what to do in the spring. I have begun the process of upgrading my license to a DZ. I am done the in class and went to take my learners today in Guelph. In order to get a learners, I had to get a physical yesterday which is part of the reason I cried yesterday. I was already having a tough time mentally and my physical just added to the anguish in my mind. My physical was going really well and then my doctor came to the part on the form regarding neurological and substance abuse. He had to fill in that I had bi-polar two and that I have had issues with alcohol even though I have been sober for over four years. I had never really thought about those things being an issue for the upgrade of my license so it caught me off guard. It really threw me off and I broke down crying after I left my parents place.
Today I woke up feeling a little better and was excited to take my learners. There was some apprehension as I had a gut feeling that the bi-polar and the alcohol on the form may be an issue. I took up my form and the lady at the counter and waited for my test. I knew I was in trouble when she started taking second and third glances at my form and she proceeded to take it to her supervisor. She informed me that my medical would have to be sent a way to be processed due to the bi-polar and alcohol. She said it would take at least two weeks. They won't even call me when it is done, I have to drive down to Guelph just to check if it has come back from the ministry. Needless to say, I was not too happy. All she told me is that there was nothing she could do. I stormed out of the drive test center muttering profanities as I left. I started crying again on the way home.
Now I understand she was just doing her job but, that doesn't make it easier for me to digest. I am just trying to do something that would allow me to support my family better in the future. I have been driving with a G license for over twenty years. I have a clean drivers abstract. The fact that I have a mental disorder does not diminish my ability to be a good driver. And alcohol is a non-issue in my life at this point and I have no plans to change that. If my medical does not get passed, I believe I will be making some calls to the human rights commission. I should have called the human rights commission when I had issues with the school board and I will not stand silent again this time around.
So needless to say, it has been a shitty few weeks. Now I cannot book my in truck lessons till at least the end of February if my medical is actually cleared. That means I will probably not get my license till the end of March which is cutting it close with the upcoming spring.
I was having difficulty deciding what to do. Perhaps this will make it easier for me to decide. I love landscaping and I am good at what I do. I still have lots to learn but, it is something I have excelled at over the last few years. I know the challenges that would face me if I go back and most of them are in my head. It literally takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears for me to get through a season. I just have to decide if I am strong enough to push through another eight months. There is also the possibility of becoming a driver, assuming the crap with my medical gets sorted out. I can make more money and work year round which would help Jodi and I a lot. There would be positives and negatives with driving to. I have just been having a really difficult time deciding what the best thing for me to do is. I have been torn in so many different directions. Ultimately, I have to go with what my heart tells me and stand by whatever decision I make. If I stay with landscaping, I will try to be the best damn landscaper I can be. If I decide to become a driver, I will work hard to be one of the most efficient drivers on the road.
The other thing that has been weighing on my mind is the house we are living in. There is a very good chance we will have to move out as the owners want to sell sometime soon. I wish we were in a position to buy it as I know Jodi really wants to own a house. She deserves a house and it kills me I have not been able to provide that for her.
I don't have any uplifting words of wisdom today. Just trying to get through the day.
Take care, Shawn.
Monday, 20 January 2014
Great Day
I have been contemplating taking my DZ license for quite a while now and the first thing I did when I got up was make some inquiries. I found a four week course at Humber College and there happens to be a course starting next week. The cost is high but, I will have some much needed help in order to cover those costs. I just need to do it and stop just thinking about it. I may end up staying in the landscaping industry but, it would be another positive thing on my resume. It may open up some year round opportunities or enable me to drive snow plows during the winter when I am off. I realized the other day that I need to start making my own opportunities and stop waiting for them to happen. I need to start putting some of my ideas in motion and work towards goals for myself.
Today was a really good day. It was one of the best days I have had in the last few months. Not only did I finally take some steps towards my DZ but, had my best work out of the year. My body had finally recovered from the tree work so I was able to push myself a little harder. My left bicep still bothers me from the summer at times but, it is manageable.
My mind was clear and my thoughts were at rest. Just a nice, relaxing and positive day. I need to appreciate these days as who knows what tomorrow will bring. I was able to look ahead to the next few months with enthusiasm and not obsess over negative outcomes. When I have days like these, it makes me forget my bi-polar disorder. It allows me to focus on constructive thoughts and not the other shit my mind deals with. I know the disorder is right below the surface so I need to remain proactive even on good days. My physician always warns me to pay even closer attention when I am feeling really good.
I was talking to my sister the other day to catch up a bit. They are busy with many things and Bart even has put in an ice rink. Can't wait to try it out. Les was asking how I was doing and I explained that I had a few off days in the week but, not too bad. What I have realized now is that the good days have come full circle and have definitely outweighed the bad ones over the last few years. If you had asked me averages five years a go, it would have been 75% down/depressed days and 25% good ones. Now I would say those percentages are the complete opposite with 75% good days and 25% down/depressed days. So I have come a long way and need to remember that when I am thinking negatively about myself.
The other thing I have realized is that bouts of depression last smaller duration's of time. Sometimes even lasting just a few hours and not an entire day. I can remember when deep depressive episodes could last days, weeks and even months. Those were times I could soon forget and am happy to be making some strides to more consistent mental stability.
As I have mentioned in earlier blogs, I try to find good things to look forward too. When I have positive things to look forwards to, it helps me push through the days I struggle. I have forgotten to do this recently and need to start applying it more often. So the positive things I am looking forward to in the next while are; My Sister's Birthday, Valentines Day and of course, the Super Bowl. It may seem like a silly strategy but, it has helped me in some of my lowest moments.
I was pleased to receive an e-mail back from Wendy Williamson, the Author of I'm Not Crazy Just Bipolar. I wrote her yesterday to thank her for writing her book and that I really enjoyed it. She is in the process of writing again so I was thankful that she took the time to write. I will definitely check out any of her future literary endeavors.
Ready for a relaxing night at home. Maybe watch some college hoops. Jodi is trying to do some report cards so I envision a coffee run soon.
Take care, Shawn.
“One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking
Today was a really good day. It was one of the best days I have had in the last few months. Not only did I finally take some steps towards my DZ but, had my best work out of the year. My body had finally recovered from the tree work so I was able to push myself a little harder. My left bicep still bothers me from the summer at times but, it is manageable.
My mind was clear and my thoughts were at rest. Just a nice, relaxing and positive day. I need to appreciate these days as who knows what tomorrow will bring. I was able to look ahead to the next few months with enthusiasm and not obsess over negative outcomes. When I have days like these, it makes me forget my bi-polar disorder. It allows me to focus on constructive thoughts and not the other shit my mind deals with. I know the disorder is right below the surface so I need to remain proactive even on good days. My physician always warns me to pay even closer attention when I am feeling really good.
I was talking to my sister the other day to catch up a bit. They are busy with many things and Bart even has put in an ice rink. Can't wait to try it out. Les was asking how I was doing and I explained that I had a few off days in the week but, not too bad. What I have realized now is that the good days have come full circle and have definitely outweighed the bad ones over the last few years. If you had asked me averages five years a go, it would have been 75% down/depressed days and 25% good ones. Now I would say those percentages are the complete opposite with 75% good days and 25% down/depressed days. So I have come a long way and need to remember that when I am thinking negatively about myself.
The other thing I have realized is that bouts of depression last smaller duration's of time. Sometimes even lasting just a few hours and not an entire day. I can remember when deep depressive episodes could last days, weeks and even months. Those were times I could soon forget and am happy to be making some strides to more consistent mental stability.
As I have mentioned in earlier blogs, I try to find good things to look forward too. When I have positive things to look forwards to, it helps me push through the days I struggle. I have forgotten to do this recently and need to start applying it more often. So the positive things I am looking forward to in the next while are; My Sister's Birthday, Valentines Day and of course, the Super Bowl. It may seem like a silly strategy but, it has helped me in some of my lowest moments.
I was pleased to receive an e-mail back from Wendy Williamson, the Author of I'm Not Crazy Just Bipolar. I wrote her yesterday to thank her for writing her book and that I really enjoyed it. She is in the process of writing again so I was thankful that she took the time to write. I will definitely check out any of her future literary endeavors.
Ready for a relaxing night at home. Maybe watch some college hoops. Jodi is trying to do some report cards so I envision a coffee run soon.
Take care, Shawn.
“One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking
Sunday, 19 January 2014
What I love
What I love
I love my wife.
I love my dog.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I love the sunrise.
I love laughing.
I love to smile.
I love good people.
I love the smell of freshly cut grass.
I love shaping plants.
I love cutting the perfect line.
I love when the light shines through the darkness.
I love hope.
I love joy.
I love the sun.
I love the water.
I love seeing people triumph over great adversity.
I love good books.
I love a good story.
I love pizza.
I love good documentaries.
I love chicken wings.
I love a good joke.
I love the sunset.
I love boats.
I love the mountains.
I love football.
I love overcoming obstacles.
I love the people who have helped me.
I love life.
I need to love myself.
Shawn
I'm Not Crazy - Just Bipolar
I just finished reading I'm Not Crazy Just Biplar by Wendy Williamson. It is a memoir of her life and her journey with bipolar disorder. It was a wonderful read and I loved the way in which she wrote the book. She held nothing back and I was captivated by her story. I highly recommend reading this book. It will inspire those who may struggle with mental health and give some insight to those who do not.I helped my boss last Thursday with some tree work. There is so much damage to clean up still from the ice storm in December. The amount of work to still do is daunting. I had a really good day helping him out. It was stress free which is a good thing for me. I do not handle stress too well at times. I am in good shape but, not work shape. I was pretty sore the next day. My boss is pretty damn good with a chain saw and I learn a lot just watching him at work. I enjoy working with a saw and the smell of freshly cut wood. I have contemplated being an arborist and have inquired with a few companies. Tree work often is year round which is something I am looking for to help us financially.
We went out for dinner on Thursday night with Dave and Megs as they were passing through. We had a wonderful time catching up and hearing about what was new in their lives. I did enjoy it but, part of me was thrown off. I did have a little bit of money and it felt good to be able to pay for our own bill.
I spiraled in to a deep depression on Friday. I was really off and was zoned out for much of the day. I had such a good day on Thursday but, it does not take much for my mood to flip drastically. I believe spending what little money I had on dinner threw me for a loop. Part of it was jealousy if I am being honest. All my friends seem to have it all figured out. Good paying jobs, good business interests, good investments and financial stability. I know I should not think like that as I have certainly had some hindrances to my ability to maintain some form of financial stability. I should be proud of where I am and what contributions I do make to our family. Friday just happened to be an off day and all I could think about was being a failure in life and that things would never get better.
As history has proven to me, things are never as bad as I make them out in my head. I woke up on Saturday feeling much better about life and made my way to the gym in the morning. I was still pretty sore from the tree work but, manged to get in a descent work out. I spent much of the afternoon reading the book and it helped pick me up. You can always find inspiration in others when your own seems to be fleeting in the moment.
Heading to our friends Julie and Scott to watch the AFC championship game this afternoon. It should be an awesome game. Brady and Manning should put on quite a show. I have followed their careers since they came in to the league and have a great amount of respect and admiration for the way in which they carry themselves on and off the field. The game I am actually looking forward to the most is the Niners at the Seahawks. Two of the best defenses face off in what should be a hard fought battle. I have to lean towards the Niners even in Seattle. They have just played so well the last two months and have had the play off experience from last year. Should be a good day of football.
Hope this finds you in good spirits. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
“In the depth a light will grow,
A silver shine no shadows know,
Like wings unfolding in the sky,
That circle 'round a gleaming eye,
Turning darkness all away,
Even depths will know their day,
For every shadow has its end,
In light!
Life will return again!”
― Robert Fanney
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