Frustrating

I am off this week.  I left work after only an hour on Friday due to the tendinitis that has been impeding me over the last two months.  It hurt just to squeeze a blower trigger.  We had a rain day Monday so I thought I should go see my doctor again about it.  She recommended taking this week off to try to rest it enough that I would be able to finish the last 5 or 6 weeks of the season.  She also referred me for a cortisone shot which may take a month and half to get in.  Ideally I would be finished work by the time I got the shot so it could actually work and I would not be in danger of regression again.  This has been extremely frustrating for me the last few months.  I have missed out on activities I love to do and it is starting to really piss me off not having normal range of motion or the strength I used to have in that arm.  I have 4 appointments booked this week with physiotherapy and Osteo.  I am taking anti-inflammatory pills which are hard on my stomach.  I am at the point today where I want to just go back and push through the pain and discomfort.  I can't make money sitting at home and I fear this rest and the treatments I am getting will go for not as nothing changes the fact that my job is very physical and the chances of nullifying any progress I make this week are very high.  The only chance my arm has of healing properly is when I am done work for the year.

At the same time I have been dealing with my elbow, I have also been slipping in and out of depression.  My mind has had a few days where my thoughts would not slow down and my mood has shifted dramatically on occasions.  Yes I have periods of stability but, my disorder is always just underneath the surface.  I navigate thoughts and moods every day and it can be draining.  It still bothers me when people say that everyone has bad days.  I am going to write about a typical "bad" day for me soon and see if you would think that would constitute normal thought patterns. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my future and what path lies ahead for me.  I love landscaping and this year has been amazing.  At the same time though, I am starting to realize that age is catching up to me a bit and my body is sending me messages through what I have pushed through physically this year.  I would love to take the winter to really pursue a vocation in writing as it has always been a dream of mine.  I do not want to look back twenty years from now and regret never having taken a shot.  Landscaping has provided me with a passion and in a lot of ways was one of the factors that has saved my life.  I am not sure what next year will bring for me but, I will always be thankful for experiences I have shared with others through landscaping.  And especially for the opportunity to have learned the art of pruning.  As I have said many times,  it is the only thing that really brings my mind peace.

That is it for me today.  I hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

“

The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body.

Publilius Syrus

Damn Elbow

I have had tendinitis in my right elbow for over two months now and it is getting extremely frustrating.  I left work this morning as I had discomfort just from using a blower.  I have missed out on the last part of three pitch, tennis with Jodi and now my basketball league.  I am concerned it is only getting worse and I cannot afford to have permanent damage as I make my living with physical work.  Unfortunately, what I probably need is rest but, that is something my line of work does not afford.  I remember tearing ligaments in one of my ankles and having to rush back so I would not miss too much work.  I do not have anywhere near the same grip strength I used to have and my range of motion with that elbow is limited without discomfort.  I have been taking anti-inflammatory pills for it but, they have wreaked havoc on my stomach and need to take a break from them.  I used to have a lot of stomach issues from stress and anxiety from other landscaping jobs but, this job has been amazing for me and I have rarely had these issues with my stomach.  I am trying desperately to get in to see someone today but, it difficult on short notice and I never seem to be able to get in to physio or my osteopath when I really need it.  Also, people seem to have an issue getting back to customers at times and it pisses me off.  I understand that it is hard to get appointments at the last minute but, at least have the courtesy to return my call.  I plan to relax this weekend and keep my elbow rested.  I am not sure if it will be any better by Monday without any treatment but, I can always hope.

Our season is winding down. I would say we have another 6-7 weeks left.  I am not counting down like I have in the past.  This job has been a very positive experience for me and definitely my favorite season in this business.  It is amazing how much people can make such a difference in the quality of an experience and I have been fortunate to have worked with a lot of really good people this year.  I truly enjoy going in every day which is why this issue with my elbow has been so challenging.  I want to be there and helping out and do not want to feel like I am letting the team down. 

The cooler weather seems like it will be here to stay now which will be a nice change.  It is great weather to work in.  Hopefully the winds will not be too bad as they can be a pain in the ass for fall clean ups.

I hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.


Happy Happy Happy (toot noise)

S.A

The Crisp Air

Fall is here.  It is may favorite season.  I love the changing colors and the crisp air in the morning. 

Fall also means that my season in landscaping is dwindling down.  I probably have about 7-8 weeks left.  I am not counting down like I normally have done in the past.  I have thoroughly enjoyed this season and am thankful for the amazing people I have had a chance to work with.  This has been my favorite season by far.  Not to see there was no challenges for me mentally along the way but,  I am extremely happy to have had the success I've had this year.  If I continue in landscaping, I hope they would welcome me back to the team next year.

I have really struggled at times over the past 6 months.   The spring was one of the most intense times I have experienced as a friend of mine was going through a very difficult time in his life.  I am so thankful to see where he is now and proud of the strength he has shown.  The day I was up for 30 hours and experienced one of the most traumatic nights of my life, seems like a distant memory.  That night rarely crosses through my mind and seeing my friend and his wife make it through the other side makes that whole experience worth it.  That time also helped show me that I do have strength I never thought I had so I need to apply that to my own journey living with a mental disorder.

Bi Polar is often a crippling disorder.  It can consume you.  The racing thoughts,  the shifts in mood, the severe depression and mania just to name a few characteristics can drain the life out of you.  I still have lots of moments where I think my inner battle is too much to deal with.  Feeling as though I no longer have strength to live with bi polar and addiction.  It can be frustrating and daunting.  Those that live with it know that daily battle within.  I am determined to come out the other side.  I feel as though there is some purpose for me making it this far in life.  I never imagined I would be alive at 42 10 years a go.  I want to share my story with others and do whatever I can do to help people understand a little of what someone like myself lives through.

I have mentioned this before in post but, I want to reiterate that my illness affects others as much as it affects me,  perhaps even more-so.  Being married and a life partner to someone with bi polar is no easy task.  My illness is very selfish at times and I do not always have the ability to see outside my own mind and be there for others.  Jodi has been through hell and back for me and has stood by me when it would have been simple and justified to give up on our relationship.  My illness has affected family and friends and I am very grateful for those who stuck with me.  I hope people would see that I have tried to live a better life and be more engaged in life.  I do not blame anyone for my illness nor do I feel sorry for myself that I have bi polar disorder.  It is what it is and is part of who I am.  My regret often comes from the affect my decisions, mood, irrational thought processes and behaviors have had on other people.  I was not proud of who I was as a person at times and I believe I have come a long way in finding the ability to forgive myself and not let the guilt and shame consume me.  All I can do is try my very best to be a good person and help others along the way.  I do not want my story to end without having tried to share my experiences to help break stigmas and continue healthy discussions around mental health.

I really hope this finds you well.  It is a beautiful day here and I think we will take Ollie for a nice walk before settling in for some football this afternoon.

Take care and enjoy your week.  Happy Sunday.  Shawn.


 

The Inner Battle

I know I said I would not write until winter but, I need to today.  Writing and pruning are the only two things that help calm my mind.

Truthfully, I have not been doing that well the last few days.  My mind will not stop racing and I am finding it very difficult to slow down.  One part of my brain is telling me to give up and filling my mind with negative things about myself and the other half is telling me to continue fighting and reminding me that there are so many positive aspects to my life.  It is a very complex battle and so far, I have been able to win it.  It can be very draining but, I will try to take it day by day.

I do have counseling tonight which should be helpful.  One of the things she talked to me about was mind reading.  I create so much inner turmoil for myself because I often think I know what people think of me or how they may judge me.  I create negative scenarios in my mind for what may happen when in actuality, it is nothing close to the truth.  I am very good at what I do but, I had an off day Friday and took some things way out of context and now I constantly worry I have jeopardized this amazing opportunity I have been given. 

I had an osteopath appointment today which really helped me.  Not only is my osteopath amazingly good at what he does,  he is very easy to talk to and we have developed a strong connection.  I always enjoy our time together and consider him a friend of mine.  I was feeling very low this morning and my mind was spinning in a negative direction.  Just feeling connected to someone else and talking some things through,  I felt so much better and I am thankful to him for that.

If others could see inside my mind, a light bulb would go off and they would understand.  Unfortunately , that is not the way things work.  I can only work hard at doing the best I can and I cannot always control what others thoughts or feelings towards me.  It is just so fucking frustrating for me at times.  I have come so far but, my mind regresses like this on occasion and it can be very difficult to manage.

I already feel far better this afternoon than I have the last three or four days and I am going to try to think about things much past today.

I have had the opportunity to visit Jodi's folks Bernie and Karen the last week.  They are such wonderful people and I am very fortunate to have them as in laws.  We have had a chance to play some golf and have some nice dinners together.  I think I am on the grill tonight which I am looking forward to.  We have a few more days with them which will be great.  I think we are playing some more golf tomorrow.  Family is so important and I am thankful for the time we have had.

I also had the chance to visit with my brother Ryan.  We were able to have some good conversations and get in a bit of tennis.  Those moments are special to me.  I do not see him too often as he lives out west.  I am lucky to have the brothers and sister I have as they have played an instrumental part in getting me to where I am today.  Safe travels Ry.

On Sunday,  I said goodbye to a dear friend, Nan.  Unfortunately, she has terminal cancer.  I visited her at a hospice in Guelph.  I knew it would be the last time I saw her and we had a nice moment together.  I held her hand and told her I loved her.  I kissed her on the forehead and said good bye.  It is not often you get a chance to say good bye to someone before their time comes.  She is a beautiful person inside and out.  She has a kind soul and a generous spirit.  She was there for me in some dark times and I am thankful for the chats we had around their dining room table.  I will miss her and know she will be at peace and in a better place.  Love you Nan.


I truly hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.



 

Happy Canada Day

Happy Canada Day Weekend.

Canada Day is my favorite day of the year.  Normally it is the one day a year that I can kind of forget that I live with bi polar and addictions and embrace the celebration of this amazing country. 

It has been kind of an up and down few weeks.  I have really been trying hard to focus at work and have have had some of the best weeks I have had in 8 years of landscaping.  I had one day that I let a physical ailment affect my work and did a really shitty job of trimming.  It won't happen again as I do not like letting people down. Work has been a positive outlet for me.  I have struggled in other aspects of life.  I was in a severe depression last Sunday but managed to find a way out of it.  I will write in the winter as to what severe depression looks like inside my mind as I think it would give some context for others.

I want so much to succeed.  At my marriage. At my work. As a son.  As a brother. As a friend.
My disorder can be very selfish at times and I find it difficult to see outside of my own mind.  I know it can be and has been very challenging for others to deal with the complexity of my thought patterns and mood swings.  I have never meant to make it difficult on others and I carry guilt with me on a pretty constant basis for what others have endured through my illness.  I do my best to manage but, it takes so much inner strength and I often feel like I have nothing left.  Perhaps if I had known what I know now about mental illness and my own disorder 20 years a go, things would be different.

On that note,  I think it is so important to reach young people.  Letting them know that it is ok not to be ok.  That there is help for them and they do not need to struggle on their own.  The time I had the opportunity to speak to some high school classes was one of the most fulfilling moments in my life as I felt I was able to reach them on some level with my story.   http://getintouchforhutch.com/  Get in touch for hutch is a wonderful program in our area that raises awareness and funds for youths who may be struggling.  If you have a moment, take a look at their website and if you feel so inclined, perhaps make a donation.  Programs like theirs are so important.  I wish I had made the run this year but, I will make sure Jodi and I make it out next year.

We had a chance to watch my brother Ryan's good friend Pat Anderson and his wife play at the Grand River Theater.  Their band is called " The Lay Awakes".  Their music was beautiful and Pat and Anna complimented each other so well with their harmonies.  If you have a chance to look them up,  you should give them a listen.  Their new album Home A Way From Home just came out.   https://www.thelayawakes.com/

My wife Jodi has been through more than someone should have ever had to.  Living with someone with my particular illness and addictions is extremely difficult and crippling at times.  I owe her my life and the opportunities I have had to experience love and commitment even when I did not deserve it.  She is a very special person to me and her and Ollie are the reasons I have even had a shot and making something of my life. ttt

I am more than likely going to take a break from writing until the winter.  It is not that I do not love writing but, I need to take the next few months to work harder on myself and find some sense of peace within me.

I hope this finds you well.  Enjoy the rest of your summer.  Take care,  Shawn.

 

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/truth_is

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/truth_is

Improvement

This past week was a better week.  I made a conscience effort to remain positive and work hard at doing a good job.  My crew worked very hard and I really enjoy their company and their dedication.  We have our staff party tonight which I am really looking forward to.  I am really thankful for the job I have and think tonight will be a good opportunity to interact with those I spend most of my time with. 

My mind has slowed down a lot and my mini depression seems to have subsided.  I had difficulty last night as I could not stop thinking about something in my mind.  I always make things out to be worse than they actually are in reality.  I go to worst case scenarios and that thought process is something I am still working on.  I do have counseling next week which I believe will be helpful for me. 

I did open up about my illness a bit which was a risk for me.  I am never sure how others will take it but, I thought it was important after the previous week as my bi polar definitely impacted those around me.  I want so much to be successful and I am determined to overcome challenges that I face on a daily basis.

I did the pruning at my place last weekend.  I love pruning more than anything else.  If I was ever able to open up my own company,  that is what I would focus my business on.  Part of what I struggle with is that my mind is rarely not trying to manage my thoughts and mood.  When I prune,  my mind is peaceful.  It is just myself and whatever plant, shrub or tree that I am working on.  I am thankful to my old boss for giving me the abilities I have.

I managed to get a good night sleep and I am hoping to have a great weekend. I am making my dad breakfast for fathers day and then we are going to go fly some kites if the wind cooperates.  I love my dad dearly and am grateful to him for all the love, support and encouragement he has shown me.

I hope this finds you well.  Enjoy your weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Tough Week

Just spent the last 15 minutes crying.  Always fun.  The last week has been a tough one.  I cried the whole way home from work on Friday too.  It was a challenging week as exhaustion flooded through my body for the whole week.  I am pretty sure I forgot to take my mood stabilizer on Friday morning which I am sure did not help.  I love my job and love the people I work with.  I felt like I let my supervisor and my team mates down.  I was being negative when there was no need.  I let my own shit cloud my ability to be a positive contributor.  Some days I forget that no one else can see inside my mind.  No one else can see what I am struggling with inside and I need to remember that as I cannot let whatever I may be dealing with affect how I project to others.  My mood can shift drastically in a very short period of time and that is just part of my bi polar shit.  It has nothing to do with anyone else but, I need to work harder to manage my mood as I don't want people to think I am simply a negative person at times.  I think my bi polar makes me look like an ass hole sometimes and that is not who I am at all.  I am generally a pretty kind, caring and passionate person.  I need to do better.

The last few months have been pretty crazy with everything that has gone on.  I have done my best to manage but, it kind of caught up with me a bit lately.  I had some pretty strong feelings about ending my life lately.  No need to worry.  I have had suicidal thoughts so many fucking times in my life, I am quite used to it by now.  Does not mean that they are enjoyable to have in any way and I hate that I have them.  I wish my mind was simpler.  I would love to have one day where I did not to fight to manage my thought patterns and mood.  Others try to empathize when you try to explain but, unless you have lived it,  no one else really has any idea what I live with daily. 

Jodi and I were talking the other day about what we would want if something were to happen to one of us.  I told her I would not want a religious service.  Is not part of who I am or what I believe in.  I am not scared of death.  I used to be as the premise of burning in hell for all of eternity used to be drilled in to our minds in church if we did not have faith in God.  What my hope would be is that when my time comes whenever that may be,  is that I am simply done.  I just want my mind to finally be at peace.  No more thoughts.

It is a beautiful day here today.  I need to get myself moving and force myself to get the day going.  I think I will hit the gym soon and maybe head over to my folks for a swim.  Yes I still have very hard days but, I do have a lot to be thankful for.  I have people that love and care about me and I have been able to experience a lot of great things.  Just need to remind myself that I am worth fighting for and that I need to simplify things and take it day by day.

I really hope this finds you well.  Have a wonderful day.  Take care,  Shawn.

Kindness is like a boomerang.  The more you send it out, the more of it comes back to you.

Anonymous