Man"s Best Friend

On January 25th, 2021 , Jodi and I lost our boy Ollie.

He was almost 11 years old.  

I started writing this almost three years a go.  I could not bring myself to write for the longest time.  I have not written since Ollie passed a way.  I have really missed writing but, losing Ollie was devastating for me.  I was lost for a long time and am finally in a good place to start writing again.

Ollie was everything to me.  He loved my unconditionally.  Regardless of how I was feeling mentally,  he was always there.  Despite struggling with my gambling addiction, he was always there.  He knew more about me than anyone.  I could confide in him and never feel judged or alone.  

We lost him during covid so we were unable to be there in the room with him when he was put too sleep.  Saying goodbye to him was brutal and that day was one of the hardest days in my life.  I lost a part of me that day.  I still think of him daily and will never forget him.  He was my best friend, companion and he gave me the strength to push through darkness when it came.

Ollie,  I could never replace you.  You were one of a kind and will always be missed.  I hope you know how much I loved you.  You helped shape me in to who I am now.  I want to make you proud and know that your love for me will always carry me for the rest of my life.  

I know you are at peace.  Rest easy Ollie.  Pops will be ok.  

Love you forever

 

The Angst Part 1

I have been reflecting a lot lately.  About my journey.  Where I have come from? Where I am? Where do I want to be?  I have thought about my purpose.  Have I done enough to do my part for mental illness?  Have I shared enough of my story to help others?

Discussion about mental illness is certainly a bit more open than it used to be but, it still has a long way to go.  We still as a society do not treat it the same as we would cancer or other physical ailments.  We hear terms like bi polar or schizophrenia and for most of us they are just terms.  There is no real understanding of what those terms really mean or what it is like internally to live with them.

I would like to do my part tonight in terms of sharing some of what has gone on in my brain.  To give at least some impression of the inner workings of someone that lives with a mental illness. 

Before I continue writing, I would just like to say that I am doing well and there is nothing to worry about.  I want to share some things, not to instill a sense of worry but, rather to help others get a concept of the internal workings of someone who lives with bi polar type two.

I was thinking today about the amount of times suicide has permeated my thoughts.  I thought of this scene in The Lord of The Rings.  The Orcs marching on Minas Tirith.  I thought of the drums.  The constant beating.  I thought of the chills it gave me as I watched the movie.

That feeling.  That constant drumming.  That chanting.  That persistence.

That scene reminds me vividly of some of my darkest moments in life.  The agonizing beat of suicidal thoughts constantly feeding my whole beating.  You are not good enough Shawn.  You are not good enough Shawn.You are not good enough Shawn.  Just do it.  Just do it.  Just do it.  The pain will be over.  The pain will be over.  The world will be better off without you.  The world will be better off without you.  Just fucking do it.  Just fucking do it.  It wont get better.  It won't get better.  These series of thoughts rapidly cycling over and over again. Days, Weeks and even sometimes Months.  

I used to sing Beck's Loser to myself.  Over and over again.  I'm a loser baby, so why don't you Kill Me!!!

Like a suicidal anthem stuck on repeat.  Singing it over and over again to myself.

So many times driving in my car wanting to drive it off the edge.  An internal battle within myself.  One side pushing me to crank that wheel over, the other trying to fight through yet another battle.

Picturing my bridge.  Thinking how easy it would be.  The bridge calling to me over and over.  Come to me.  It will all be over soon.  Come on Shawn.  Just fucking do it!!!

Again,  I am not sharing this to worry anyone.  I am fine.  I just want to paint a picture of this one particular aspect of my journey.

The amazing news is that I am here to write about it.  I fought through and it there is light at the end of the tunnel.  That is part of why I shared such a personal aspect of my life tonight.  The fact that I found a way through can give others hope.  Life is worth it and it can get better.  I am proof of that.  I always told myself that I just had to get through the day, through the hour or even through the minute.  I tried to hold on to anything to get me through.

So keep fighting.  You are worth it. Life is worth it!!! There are people that love and care about you.  You are not alone.  I care about you.  Step by step.  Day by day.

I will write Part 2 of The Angst in the next few days.  I truly believe it is important to give a better understanding of what it is actually like to live with it.  Through knowledge, there is understanding.

Have a wonderful week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Determined

It has been some time since I have written.  So much has happened in our world since my last post.
I thought about writing at various times through the pandemic but, could never bring myself to.

I am alive and I am well.  I am still sober and am still bet free.  My mind is stronger than it has ever been.  Yes I still have tough days or tough moments but,  my mental fortitude now enables me to work through things in a healthy way.  I rarely have bouts of depression anymore and my mind does not race nearly as much as it used to.  If you are reading this and have struggled or are struggling,  just know that I am living proof that things can and will get better.  It is not an easy task but, the peace I have found within myself is so worth it.  Keep going.  Keep pushing.  You are worth it and you deserve it.

I would like to send out a special thank you to Cees Braamse.  I was so happy I finally got a chance to have coffee with him last weekend.  I am very grateful for his friendship.  Cees and his wife Nan gave me my first opportunity in landscaping.  Unfortunately we lost Nan but,  she helped me so much through some difficult times and I will be forever grateful to her.  I feel very fortunate I got a chance to say goodbye to her.  They showed great patience with me and my illness.  They gave me an opportunity to develop my skill set and work with my hands.  Cees passed on so much of his knowledge to me,  especially with pruning and tree work.  As I have mentioned many times before,  pruning probably saved me on so many different occasions.  Even as suicidal thoughts used to run rampant through my mind,  pruning allowed me to get lost in the moment.  Just me and the plant or shrub.  In that practice, I found peace.  I have so much respect for him and all that he has given back to the landscape indrustry.  I still to this day have not met anyone that knows as much about the industry on such a wide scale.  Cees,  I am so thankful for you in my life and hope our friendship continues to grow.

I no longer live in shame and guilt.  Yes I still look back and wish I could take back so many things but,  I have learned how to forgive myself and love myself again.  I cannot change choices I made but,  I can control the life I choose to live now and do my best to be the best version of myself each day and try to help others as best I can along the way.

I do not take any day for granted.  Life is a gift and I am thankful for each day I have as I know the darkness that used to envelop me.  I used to think that my life was meant to be a constant struggle,  never moving forward.  Stuck in self pity and self hatred.  That is no longer the case.  I look forward to what comes next.  I accept the illness and addictions I live with.  I resent no one and do not blame anyone for the journey I have taken to get to this place in my life.  I am determined to see my life through till the end,  on my own terms.

I truly hope this finds you well.  There is so much uncertainty around us.  I know the world around us seems pretty hopeless at times.  Keep looking for the small victories in life and focus on what you can control.  I believe in you.

Take care,  Shawn.


“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
― Leo Tolstoy

One Year Baby!!!!

I did it!  I have gone a year without placing a single bet.  Damn does it feel good.

If you had told me a year a go that I would not gamble on anything for a whole year,  I simply would not have believed you.  But step by step and day by day, I have managed to get to this point.  It took a lot of discipline and hard work but, it was all worth it.  The sense of freedom I now have and the brighter outlook of my future is worth so much more than any dollar amount I ever won or lost gambling.

I got to chair my GA meeting tonight.  I walked in to that room with a huge smile on my face and it remained there for quite a while.  Everyone was so proud of me and happy to celebrate that achievement.  And they should celebrate it with me.  It was a group effort.  When I walked in to that room last year, I was broken with no hope of putting back the pieces.  By continuing to be part of that group and sharing in the stories and struggles of others, I was slowly able to put the pieces back together.  There is tremendous power is sharing with others.  I got so much from listening to others and I am sure they got things from listening to me.  Whether they had 20 years of abstinence or one week,  it all helped me get to this point.  I would like to send out a special thank you to Wayne J for being there every week and inspiring me to push through.

This past year was not just about conquering my addiction to gambling.  It was a massive overhaul of my brain.  I realised that I had to make a life changing shift in the way I thought if I wanted to avoid continuing to spin my tires and running on the same hamster wheel if I wanted to have any hope of living a fulfilling life.  It certainly was not easy.  But I know now that I had to go through what I did last winter in order to get to the point I am at.  I am finally after all of these years, at peace with myself.  I certainly have many regrets and I would change a lot of things if I had the power to go back in time.  But I do not.  I was always stuck as I could never forgive myself or let go.  I could never love myself or feel I deserved love.  I lived constantly in guilt and shame and my mind reminded me diligently of the ways I fucked up my life.  That was one of the biggest shifts this year.  I learned how to forgive myself and to love myself.  I now try each day to be the best version of myself.  I am proud of who I am now.  I always knew this person was in me.  I had let my mental illness and my addictions control my state of being for over 25 years.  I had affected so many people along the way with my words, choices and behaviours . I used to post this blog as Roller Coaster.  I originally wrote under this name as I often thought as Bi Polar Disorder as being a roller coaster.  The extreme highs and the extreme lows. Up, Down, corners, slow turns, fast turns and bumps along the way.  And others being taken on the ride without even knowing it and then unsure how to get off the Canadian Mindbuster that was my brain and life at times.  This year that fucking ended.  I took control of my thoughts, my emotions, my choices and behaviours.  No more would I let my illness or my addictions dictate who I was as a person.  Yes they are a part of me and I embrace that but,  there is so much more to me now.  I am a better husband, son, brother and friend.  People can be proud to know me and the example I am living now.  I am determined to stay this course.  I do not want the pain, suffering and angst that my illness and addictions have thrown on me and those around me to go in vain.  I want to make a difference. I want to share with others.  I want to help others. My journey will have a silver lining play book.

I know there are people out there struggling right now.  Whether it be with addiction, mental illness or something else.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  I have been there.  There is help.  You can do it and you are worth it.  Someone out there cares for you.  I care for you. The light will show itself at some point amidst the darkness.  Keep fighting.

Take care and hope you have a beautiful week. 

Shawn

The Army Behind You

I am up way too early today.  I did not have a restful sleep.  I do not feel too tired yet but, I am sure I will feel it later today.  I need to keep on top of my sleep and be conscience of the things I need to do on a daily basis to ensure I am getting the rest I need.

I have never felt this good in my adult life.  I always thought my identitiy would be attached to my mental illness and my addictions.  Both from an internal stand point and an external stand point.  Viewing myself as having bi polar and 2 addictions and others identifying me the same way.  That has drastically shifted this year.  I have worked hard not to detach myself from my illness and addictions but, rather to embrace them and fto ind deep personal meaning despite of them.

A dear family friend once told me that you cannot defeat the army ahead of you, if you have not defeated the one behind you.  I could never quite put that concept in to practice.  This year however, I have learned exactly what that saying means.  My whole life prior to the last 10 months was a perpetual cycle of shame and guilt.  Punishing myself on a daily basis, drilling in to my psyche that I was a loser, that I would just fuck up again, that I was not worthy of love or happiness.  That my life would constantly be filled with struggle and pain.  The shift that has helped me the most this year is the ability to let go and to forgive myself.  As I have written before,  the hardest part for me as it pertains to living with Bi Polar Type 2, an addiction to alcohol and a gambling addiction this long is not my own struggle.  I can accept who I am and what I have lived through.  I do not blame anyone for the years of angst within my mind.  The part I struggled with the most is the impact I have had on others.  Mental illness and addictions have a long reach.  There are so many people along the way that have been impacted by the imbalance in my mind.  That is the part I have struggled with for what seems like an eternity.

What I have worked hard on this year is being able to let go and forgive myself.  Unfortunately I cannot change the past but, I could never move forward until I came to some sort of peace with it and I have done that.  I live each day now trying to be a better version of myself.  Impacting positve change in others and using my experiences to attempt to help and model to those who may be struggling with similar things.  I can look myself in the mirror now and be proud of the person I am.

I have thought of death a lot in my life.  As you may know,  suicidal thoughts have been a big part of my struggle over the years.  I sometimes think to myself as I am driving about how many times I thought of driving my car off of the road.  Or the days that every minute of every day was consumed my thoughts of ending my life,  as I could not see any light in the darkness that used to consume me.

I do not take any day on earth for granted.  I realize how prescious life is and that it is a gift.  I am so thankful that somehow I fought through those times to be here writing this today.  I tell Jodi all the time that I believe part of the reason I have made it through,  is that I have a greater purpose.  To share my story in hopes that I can help somone else fight through their own struggle.  You may not think I undertand what you are going through but, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I do.  I know the chaos that can be so prevalent in the mind at times.  I know that it can feel as though there is no way out, that struggle is your desiny.  That it will never get better and that I am the only one feeling this way.  If anyone reading this is struggling, I can tell you that although things may seem bleak,  there is a way out.  You are worth it.  You deserve life.  Somone out there cares for you.  It may take a while and it takes some work but, if you trust in the goodness of life, there will come a time when you will be so thankful you fought through your pain and came out the other side.  I know it to be true.

I can look in the mirror now and be proud of who I see.  I could not always do that.  I am so very thankful that I have finally come to that point.  I want to continue to work hard every day to maitain this way of living.  It takes a lot of discipline but, man is it worth it.  The high I get from life now is greater than anything I could get from gambling, alcohol or a drug.  And I truly mean that.  Yes there are days when I still get caught up in negative thought cycles or go through mini bouts of depression but,  I have the tools and confidence now to manage those.  Hard work does pay off.

I do hope this finds you well.  I enjoy writing so much.  And I feel as though I have some small impact on others by sharing like this.  That is part of why I write this blog.

I imagine I will write one more time before Christmas.  If I do not, I wish you all a happy holidays.  Regardless of what you believe in or where you come from, I think this time of year is a time to embrace the goodess of others and and to do our very best to spread kindness to our fellow men and women.

Take care ,  Shawn.


“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein

Sleep Deprived

Sleep is so important to mental wellness and health in general.  I have been feeling the best I have ever have in my adult life but,  today reminded me that I will always live with bi polar type 2 and remain dedicated on a daily basis to stick to rountines which includes a good nights sleep.

I have not slept much the last few days and it caught up to me today.  My mind raced and cycled rapidly.  Thoughts, feelings, my life, pictures, images, good things, bad things running through my mind at light speed.  The first time this ever happened to me in my journey with bi polar, it was fucking scary.  Not knowing why my thoughts couldn't stop or slow down.  I can recognize it now and identify symptoms as to what the racing evolved from.  The simple fact was that I did not take proper steps to maintain a routine at night and my sleep suffered.  When I do not get proper rest, my mind , although healthier than ever, is not as tuned in to managing thoughts and mood.

Although today was a struggle at times,  I am very thankful that the racing or rapid cycling does not happen as much anymore.  And I am also thankful that the cycling rarely involves suicidal thoughts anymore.  I still have the passing one but, not the every day fixed ones that I used to struggle with.
It shows that the work I have put in this year is paying off and I need to continue to face each day with a positive attitude and work through my day in small steps.

This year has proven to me that change is possible.  If you could have lived inside my mind for the last 25 years and then see inside my mind now, you would be amazed.  It has been a life changing year and I do not take any day for granted.

I want to help others.  I want to show that there is hope.  I want to tell them that they are not alone.
I want to explain that I understand their pain.  I want to shout out to them that the light will eventually shine through, even in the darkest of times. There is hope and life is worth fighting for.

Step by step.  Day by day.  You matter in this world.

Take care,


Shawn

10 Years

On November 2nd, I celebrated ten years of sobriety.  I was so proud of myself for reaching that milestone.  I know without question that if I had not made that change,  there is no way I would be anywhere close to where I am now.  I have access to clarity in my mind that I never had when I was continuing to abuse alcohol.  Living with a mental disorder is challenging enough without adding a substance to the mix.  There is also the fact that the medication I take on a daily basis would not have the same postiive affect if I was still consuming alcohol.

I cannot remember a time when I was drinking that I only had one drink.  I never knew when to stop.  There was no off switch.  I made a lot of poor choices when I drank and was not always a person I could be proud of.  I often impacted those around me in a negative way.  If I could turn back the clock I would take back a lot of behaviours.  I used to carry guilt and shame with me on a daily basis and a lot of that related to my days of alcohol abuse.  Unfortunately I cannot change the past.  I have learned to forgive myself and have made amends whenever possible.  If I could apologize to everyone that was affected by my drinking in person, I would.

I can now say that I am very proud of the person I am today.  I can never take back some choices but,  I think I have proved through action that I am a completely different person and that change is possible.  I used to beat myself up on a constant basis but,  that did not serve anyone well.  Shifting a mind set and changing patterns was the only way I could impact not only my own life in a postive way but,  for those close to me. 

I have lived with Bi Polar Type 2 for over 25 years and I have also dealt with an addiction to alcohol and gambling.  These have been immense challeges to overcome for myself and I have been in some pretty dark places.  Having said that,  it does not excuse choices and behaviours over the years.  I am still responsible for mistakes I have made and can only strive each day to be a better version of myself and work hard at sharing my story in order to help others along the way.

One day at a time.  Step by step.  Minute by minute.

Take care,  Shawn.