Wednesday, 9 December 2015

You Are Not Alone

I was messaging with a friend of mine who is a high school teacher.  In our conversation, he mentioned to me that a student at his school had took his own life.  It saddens me when I hear news like that.  Life can end in a split second.  That individual perhaps end their life without truly knowing how much people care about them. I wanted to share this tonight in hopes that it may help someone struggling.

You Are Not Alone

I am writing tonight to let you know that you are not alone.  There are others going through what you are.  I have been where you are.  The truth is that you are worthwhile. You have value in this world.  There are people that care about you. You will be missed. Life is worth fighting for.  I know perhaps those positives do not appear in your mind when you are sunk in to the darkness.  I know you are just hearing negatives in your mind.  It seems like there is no way out.  Life is simply too hard to live.  The pain and torment you feel inside feels like it will never go a way.  Ending your life seems like the only way out.  If you are feeling this way, search out a tiny flicker of light.  It is hard to see right now but, there is one.  Hold on to that flicker of light. Fight to get to it. Fuck the darkness, the light is there to help you hold on to something. Grab on to anything positive.  You may think there is nothing positive to think of but, there is always one thing. It could be thinking of a family member, a friend, a pet or even a place.  Think of something you would miss if you were not here on this earth.  Think of the sunrise or sunset.  Think of a beautiful summers day, the warm breeze on your face.  Think of the stars in the night sky.  Hold on to something in this world that makes you smile.  You are not alone.  You do not have to suffer alone.  Reach out.  Talk to someone. Call someone.  It can be your parents, a friend, a teacher, a counselor, a help line.  There is someone out there that cares about you and wants to listen.  You may think there is no point.  Nothing will change.  That is not true.  It can change and it will.  Help is out there for you. I am telling you this as someone who has been where you are.  My life has changed.  I kept fighting.  I have found joy and happiness again.. It is a long journey but, there is hope.  There is always hope.  So please keep fighting. You are worth life, you deserve life and you are NOT alone.

Shawn

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Imagine

The 35th anniversary of the assassination of John Lennon is coming up on December 8th.  The Beatles were one of my favorite bands of all time.  I grew up listening to them and admiring the music they made together.  I especially enjoyed their later albums as the lyrics became more thought provoking and introspective.  I was driving to work the other day and heard Imagine on the radio.  I had forgotten what an amazing and prophetic song it is.  When listening to John sing those lyrics,  I could not help but think of the situation our world finds itself in again.  Perhaps if more people took his words to heart back when it was released in October of 1971, the world in fact could have lived as one.

"Imagine"

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one 
written by John Lennon

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

This Video

I came across an awesome video about mental health last night.  If you go to www.thisvideo.ca , you will be able to watch it.  It is very insightful and has a great message.  I also watched another video I have previously seen but, it had such an impact, I anted to watch it again.  It was three high school girls in the states who put together a speech called, Somewhere in America.  If you search that title on youtube, you should be able to find it.  Queen Latifah had them on her talk show and I am glad she did as their message is an important one to be heard.  So if you have a chance in the next while,  have a look at those two videos.

I had a good day today.  Took Ollie for a play, cleaned up the house and went to the gym.  Caught up with my dad in the afternoon and watched some spring training baseball.  We are having a relaxing night tonight and I may go to bed early.  I think I will be working tomorrow down in the city so I need to get a good sleep.  We moved our bed to a new location and I am not a big fan.  Haven`t been able to sleep well since the change so we will be moving it back over the weekend.  Should be a fun night tomorrow as the Sweet 16 begins.  I did not do so well in the first round of my bracket but, still have 9 of 16 teams left.  I have Notre Dame beating Kentucky this weekend so hopefully they both win their games tomorrow.  I would be looking pretty good if the number one seed was knocked off.  I have Wisconsin winning it all.

I will probably work for the first time in months tomorrow and I have very little or no anxiety.  If I look back three or four years a go, I would have been wrought with fear and anxiety about tomorrow and the upcoming season.  Worrying about what will happen.  Will I be able to handle it.  What if I mess up.  What if someone gets upset with me. Something bad will happen.  All of these were just some of the things I used to drive myself crazy with.  It just shows how far I have come.  I have learned that I can only do my best and work hard.  I cannot control every situation or what others may or may not say to me.  There is no point of taking shit home with me as it never did me any good.  Just have to finish each day, move on and try again the next day.  Leave work at work and do my best to enjoy my free time at home. Will there be challenges along the way, most definitely.   I have proven to myself that I am capable of handling a variety of situations, yes.  So with that being said, I am ready to face anther season head on and hopefully we will maintain our high level of service and have some fun along the way.

Treehouse Masters is on tonight on Animal Planet.  It has turned out to be one of my favourite shows.  Pete Nelson and his crew are true craftsmen and I love the magic they are able to create up the trees.  They  don`t build your typical tree houses.  It is amazing what they do.  I am also looking forward to a new show premiering on HGTV in a couple weeks called Carver Kings.  I love watching guys carve with chain saws and they are incredible artists to watch.

I have two books to choose from for my next novel.  Will decide on the weekend.  Hoping I can keep up with the reading now that I have finished my first book in over a year.

Hope you are well.  Take care,  Shawn.

When you get knocked down, get up, and continue the fight.


Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Great Day

I had a great day yesterday.  It was a beautiful day and I had a chance to spend some time outside.  Also made it back to the gym after being a way last week.  Felt good to lift some weight again.  I got a chance to take Ollie for two plays up at the arena.  I am sure he was pretty excited to go for a run.  It was great to see most of the snow melted on the field at the arena too.

I took the opportunity with such a nice day to do some yard work outside.  The long winter leaves dirt, gravel, garbage and some dead grass on most lawns.  I got out the rake and raked all the dirt, gravel and dead grass out of the front lawn.  It was amazing to see how much I got out of it with a good rake, filled our garbage bucket.  I even rolled out the trimmer and made a nice vertical edge on the front walk.  I also took out the old blower to blow off the dirt and gravel deposited on the driveway.  I am sure our neighbors did not appreciate it as big plumes of dust floated through the air for a few minutes.  It is amazing how much of an impact you can make on a landscape in a short period of time.  I spent less than half an hour doing that work and our front already looks 100 per cent better.

I will also do some pruning in the next couple days.  We have a rose of sharon that I will thin out.  I have worked on it the last three years and every year it comes back bigger and better throughout the season.  I think people are tentative to cut in to plants and shrubs but, spring is a great time to do it.  Their is an art to it and if done right, it will benefit the plant or shrub immensely.  They need good air flow so it is important to open things up to allow for that.  I would not recommend just hacking in to your plants and shrubs.  There are a lot of great videos on you tube that give some tutorials on how to thin out plants, trees and shrubs.  I love my mom but, she hacked in to a hydranga at the front of the their house and it does not look good.  She is also did it towards the end of last season which is not the best time as their is the risk of frost damaging where the cuts are made.  Like I said, there are some good tutorials online that will give you some confidence with your pruning this spring.

I am going to get in a few days of work later this week which is great.  Looking forward to being outside again and taking in the fresh air. 

That is all for me today.  Take care,  Shawn.

Appreciate the small things in life.

Monday, 23 March 2015

Back From the Sun

Jodi and I got back from our trip to Florida last night.  We had an amazing time and managed to squeeze in a lot of activities in a week.  I am not sure how Jodi found the energy but, she kept us moving the whole time.  We had a great time with Bernie and Karen.  It was so nice to catch up with them and hopefully we will have a chance to go back next year.

It was a good week for me mentally overall.  Being in the sun really helped my mood.  I did shut down a few times and it probably affected the general vibe a bit at times.  I still have a long way to go in terms of controlling my mood..  I find it hard to think outside of my own mind and see how my mood may affect others.  Although it may be difficult,  I have to make a better effort to be less selfish and try to enjoy being in the moment and not allow my mood to affect others.  I have come a long way in social settings but, can continue to work on that aspect.

We came home to a wonderful sight.  Our front lawn had no snow on it which I was ecstatic about.  There is still snow around but, it is a sign that I will be back to work soon.  I would say we would be back full time in two weeks just after Easter as everything should be thawed out by then.  I know we will have a few days before then down in places like Etobicoke which will be a good way to ease back in to things.  I am looking forward to the routine again.  I have some apprehension but, a healthy apprehension as compared to years gone by.  I know I can do it and just have to take it one day at a time.  April is often the most challenging month as it takes a while for body and mind to adjust to the long days.  I am really looking forward to it though and will do some yard work at our place to familiarize myself a bit with some of what we do again.

I was watching CTV News at noon and their segment called Talkback Toronto.  The question of the day was whether Canada should continue its mission overseas against ISIS.  I have thought about it a lot lately.  I find that often society's answer to conflict is to confront it rather than to understand it.  If our only approach to terrorism is to combat it with military tactics, then I fear we will be going around in circles and more innocent lives will be lost.  To lessen the impact of terrorism, I think it is important that leaders around the world look at the root causes of it.  If you think a tree in your yard is a terrible problem, you simply don't cut it down.  You would look at alternate solutions.  What is the soil and root systems like? Does it need to be thinned out? How does it affect the surrounding landscape? Is it getting enough sunlight and air flow?  The same approach can be taken with terrorism.  What is the root of the problem? Why do individuals become terrorists? What causes their hatred? Why do they believe they are acting out as part of a faith?  Is their room for healing? Can their be discussions with terrorist organizations to come to peaceful resolutions? I think the solution world powers have always taken is militaristic when it comes to terrorism but, yet there are still terrorism after decades upon decades of innocence being lost in the fight.  I am not saying that terrorism should be ignored and no line of defense should be taken against such acts.  I am simply saying that I believe there needs to be a different approach in terms of stemming the tide for generations to come.

I am still apprehensive about appearing on television.  I like my anonymity but, hope it will help in some way.  I have faith that the AMI crew will do a great job with the segment.  I still have some doubts.  Will people judge? Did I say the right  things? Did I do a good job? I think a lot of my nerves are natural and I am sure it will work out fine.

I just finished reading Rob Lilwalls' book Walking Home From Mongolia .  I started reading it over a year a go but, never got back to it.  The trip to Florida turned out to be a great opportunity to catch up on some reading.  I love reading but, I have not done much of it lately.  Finishing his book reminded me of how a well written book can take you a way to far off places and make you feel like part of the adventure.  I highly recommend reading it. Rob has a wonderful way of capturing the scope of their trials and tribulations along the way.  It also proves what people can do with hard work and a steadfast determination.  There is also a documentary of their trek which I hope to order in the coming months.

Think I will do some work outside as it is a beautiful day.  Spring brings with it renewed strength and optimism.  Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.


Fount of mercy, call back the one who flees from you.
Draw towards you the one who attempts to escape.
Lift up the one who has fallen.
Support the one who is standing.
Guide the one who is on a journey.

Thomas Aquinas




Friday, 13 March 2015

Lights, Camera, Action

Today was my introduction to being in front of a camera.  I was interviewed at Canada Blooms at the Direct Energy Center in Toronto.

My boss came down there with me and I really appreciated having the support as I was a little nervous.  We actually made really good time and got there an hour early.  We had a chance to go for a nice walk and a good chat.

I met the producer, Harriet, and she took me to meet the rest of the team.  The whole crew made me feel welcome and made it easier for me to have some confidence in the whole process.  The show is Canada in Perspective and is on the accessibility network which is AMI.  I believe it is channel 48 for Bell customers in Ontario.

I have never been to Canada Blooms but, it is amazing.  It is the largest garden show in North America.  The space is massive and the displays are amazing.  There was such a wide range of plants, trees, shrubs and flowers.  There was also a lot of water features and some awesome hardscaping.  Oh and there was a tree fort and park in the middle of the space.  Kids were having a great time playing on it. If you have not had a chance to go, you should definitely check it out.   The Home Show is running at the same time.  Today was the first day and it runs for ten days I believe.

So the crew took me to the Landscape Ontario display to set up for the shoot.  It took some time to get everything set up.  I had been a bit nervous but, was feeling a little more comfortable at this point. I sat down and the director began to ask me questions.  There are some aspects of the interview that I wish I had expanded on but, I think it went well considering if was my first time.  I talked a little bit about the benefits of the landscape industry to wellness and the positive impact it has had on me working in the industry.  I hope it comes across well when it airs.

I had the opportunity to meet a really nice woman named Beth Edney.  She is a landscape designer out of Toronto.  Her website is  http://designsbytheyard.com/.  She has a great reputation in the industry and I was glad I had a chance to meet her.  Beth will be on the program as well and they shot her footage after me.  She looked quite comfortable being in front of the camera.

After they were done shooting Beth,  they filmed me walking among st some of the exhibits at Canada Blooms.  I found it a bit difficult as I was not talking.  I had to walk around looking at things, trying not to look at the camera and attempting to be natural.  I hope I don't come across goofy lol.

All and all, it was a good experience.  I am thankful to the AMI crew for not only  making me feel comfortable but, also for mentioning mental health in their show.  As I mentioned in one of my last posts,  I have no interest in becoming famous.  The reason I agreed to do this show is to help spread awareness surrounding mental health.  There is no point in going through what myself and others around me have gone through if I cannot share that experience with others.  If I can do a small part and helping start conversations around mental health and breaking stigmas, then today was worthwhile.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

“The gift of life, gives you the greatest opportunity to live and chance to rise above any situation. With hopeful attitude you can overcome any struggle.”
Lailah Gifty Akita, Beautiful Quotes



Monday, 9 March 2015

Melting

I saw a glorious sight today which was snow melting.  It has been one of the longest cold spells that I can remember and it is wonderful to see some snow finally start to melt a way.  We are supposed to be above zero for most of the week so hopefully we will be closer to spring at weeks end.

I just got back from visiting with my boss and his wife.  We had a good discussion about the upcoming season.  I am really looking forward to this year and believe it will be my best year yet.  We are downsizing a bit so we will have our hands full at times but, I know we have the right team in place to handle whatever the season throws at us.  If we can get through last year, then this year should be a walk in the park.  We will definitely miss having Heather this spring as she really knew what she was doing and was awesome to work with.  I am really looking forward  to touching base with our customers and finding out what is new with them.

I have been feeling more like myself the last week or so.  My thoughts have stabilized for the most part and my mood has improved quite a bit.  The sunshine that will be present most of the week will definitely help me stay positive.  I have stuck with the gym and that has aided me in maintaining a balance.  This was a tough winter for me mentally as it did not exactly go the way I expected.  With anything in life, I just have to look at it as a learning experience and prepare myself better the next time.

I am going to be on television.  I am doing a segment for the accessibility network on mental health and the benefits of the landscaping industry to my well being.  I am going down to Canada Blooms on Friday to shoot the segment.  My boss is going to come down with me so it will be nice to have someone there with me.  I am a little nervous but, am sure it will be fine.  The producer I have been in contact with is very nice and seems to be pretty excited to share my story.  I never really aspired to be on t.v. but, if I can help spread a little awareness about mental health, then it should be worthwhile.

Jodi and I head to Florida next week to visit her parents.  I cannot wait to catch up with them and spend some time in a warmer climate.  It should be the perfect way to transition in to the upcoming season.  We are going to see a spring training game too which should be fun.  I always enjoy spending time with Bernie and Karen and we always have a good time together.  Nice for Jodi to see her parents too.  Hopefully I will get a chance to visit them out east this summer too.

The Blue Jays opener at Yankee Stadium is right around the corner so I know spring will be here soon.  I am really looking forward to this season.  I  think there team is close to turning that corner and making it to the post season.  We have some good young arms mixed in with a good veteran presence with our pitching staff.  Second base is still a question mark but, I have faith we will find the right guy to fill that hole.  I am still not sure why we picked up Martin with a catcher like Navarro in the mix but, hopefully it will pay off for us.  Should be a fun year though.

That is it for me today.  Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”
Hunter S. Thompson






Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Good Day

Today was a better day.  We got some snow last night so I started the day by doing some shoveling and was able to get the garbage out before the truck swung by.  I forced myself to go to the gym and had a great work out.  I ran for longer than normal today and it felt good to work up a bit of a sweat. I caught up on some Tim and Sid this afternoon and did some dishes.  So I kept myself busy which distracted my mind from the way I have been feeling.

This week, I have forced myself to the gym.  I had taken some days off because I was simply not motivated to do much of anything.  I always  feel better once I go and need to continue to push myself.  I try to go in the morning so that I have the afternoon at home.  I usually watch Tim and Sid on Sportsnet590 from 1-4.  I have followed them from their days on The Score and love they way they do sports talk radio/tv.  I could be feeling really down but, have my mood pick up simply by watching their show.

The temperature is supposed to reach 0 degrees next week at some point which is awesome.  It has been pretty cold of late and there has not been a break in the deep freeze.  We have had a pretty tame winter compared to those out east as they have been continually hammered by mother nature.  I am sure spring will be welcome by all and I am really looking forward to seeing things start to sprout of the ground.

Although my confidence in myself has been shaken a bit lately,  I know getting back to work will be a really good thing for me.  I am sure the first week will take some adjusting but, it will be great to work with my hands again.  Manual labor can be draining at times but, the feeling you get putting in a hard days work and working with your hands is amazing.  And I know I am good at what I do regardless of how I have been feeling.  Just have to remind myself of that.

My mind is a bit more peaceful today.  I have had some really messed up thoughts of late and it has been challenging filtering them out of my head.  I had a restful sleep last night and hopefully will build on the positive day I had today.  I just need to remember that they are just thoughts and I do not have to pay them the attention if I choose not to.  Just a difficult process sometimes.  My mood is much more stable today.

Looking forward to watching some college hoops tonight.  Take care,  Shawn.

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!”
Mark Twain




Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Struggling

I have not written in a while.  I just have not had the desire to as my mood has been very low of late.  I should force myself to write during low periods as it always lifts my spirits a little when I write.

I have been struggling of late.  As I mentioned, my mood has been very low.  I have had trouble motivating myself.  My thoughts have been racing a lot and I have been finding it difficult to channel thoughts in a positive way.  I have been doing a lot of negative self talk, making it challenging to find positives about myself.  I have had some passing suicidal thoughts as well which is not a pleasant thing to deal with.

Spring cannot come soon enough for me but, I have even been doubting my ability to push through another season.  I know I can and will but, doubt has crept in as this winter has not gone exactly as planned.  I was unable to succeed at the plowing/salting as it was difficult to navigate the erratic hours for me mentally.  That has been hard on me as I have had so much success over the last four years.  I do not like failing at something and letting others down.  I need to let that go though as it will not benefit me in any way to dwell on it.

I guess sometimes I just get frustrated.  I get tired of living with bi polar.  Living through the same challenges every year.  I get tired of living with addictions.  Missing out on a lot of events with friends as they are not healthy choices for me. I miss just being one of the guys at times but, I understand that it is the way it has to be for me to remain balanced.  I get tired of the battle going on inside my mind.  It can be exhausting to filter through the various thoughts and attempt to channel them in a positive way.  I get tired of the tears flowing from my eyes because of the deep emotions I feel inside.  I am still not sure how I made it to 39 and it seems to be a daunting task to make it through another 39.  Just have to take it one day at a time I guess and fight for joy.

I know things will get better mentally eventually.  Winter is always a tough time for most people. I am hoping that once spring rolls around and I am in a routine again,  my mind will slow down and my moods will level out.  Just wanted to share how I've been feeling.  Important to share the struggles along with the successes.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.




Friday, 6 February 2015

Supreme Court Ruling: Assisted Death

OTTAWA -- The Supreme Court of Canada has unanimously struck down the ban on providing a doctor-assisted death to mentally competent but suffering and "irremediable" patients.
The historic, groundbreaking decision from the country's top court sweeps away the existing law and gives Parliament a year to draft new legislation that recognizes the right of clearly consenting adults who are enduring intolerable suffering -- physical or mental -- to seek medical help ending their lives.

The judgment, which is unsigned to reflect the unanimous institutional weight of the court, says the current ban infringes on all three of the life, liberty and security of person provisions in Section 7 of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

It does not limit physician-assisted death to those suffering a terminal illness.
"For seriously and incurably ill Canadians, the brave people who worked side by side with us for so many years on this case -- this decision will mean everything to them," said a visibly overjoyed Grace Pastine, the litigation director for the B.C. Civil Liberties Association.

The court clearly instructs parliamentarians that current laws "unjustifiably infringe (Section 7) of the charter and are of no force or effect to the extent that they prohibit physician-assisted death for a competent adult person who (1) clearly consents to the termination of life and (2) has a grievous and irremediable medical condition (including an illness, disease or disability) that causes enduring suffering that is intolerable to the individual in the circumstances of his or her condition."

The pressure will now be on Parliament to act in an election year, as the court says no exemptions may be granted for those seeking to end their lives during the 12-month suspension of the judgment.

Friday's decision was spurred by the families of two now-deceased British Columbia women, supported by Pastine's organization.

Gloria Taylor, who had a neurodegenerative disease, eventually died of an infection. Kay Carter, then 89, travelled to Switzerland, where assisted suicide is allowed.

Taylor had won a constitutional exemption at a lower court for a medically assisted death in 2012, but that decision was overturned in subsequent appeals.

"Justice, dignity and compassion were the defining qualities of my mother," Lee Carter told a crush of reporters after the decision came down.

"We just felt that it was a fundamental right for Canadians that they should have this choice."

She called it "a huge victory for Canadians and a legacy for Kay."

Hollis Johnson, Kay Carter's son-in-law, called her "a vibrant and intelligent woman" who "dreamed of legal change for all Canadians, because she believed the laws forced people like her to suffer needlessly at the end of their lives."

The Supreme Court gave a ringing endorsement of the original B.C. trial judge's findings, albeit not for a constitutional exemption.

The decision reverses the top court's 1993 ruling in the case of Sue Rodriguez, a fact the decision attributes to changing jurisprudence and an altered social landscape.

Two decades ago, the court was concerned that vulnerable persons could not be properly protected under physician-assisted suicide, even though courts recognized the existing law infringed a person's rights.

But the experience of existing jurisdictions that permit doctor-assisted suicide compelled the courts to examine the record.

The B.C. trial judge "found no compelling evidence that a permissive regime in Canada would result in a 'practical slippery slope,"' wrote the top court.

"An individual's response to a grievous and irremediable medical condition is a matter critical to their dignity and autonomy," the judgment says.

"The law allows people in this situation to request palliative sedation, refuse artificial nutrition and hydration, or request the removal of life-sustaining medical equipment, but denies the right to request a physician's assistance in dying."

The ruling goes on to state that "by leaving people like Ms. Taylor to endure intolerable suffering, it impinges on their security of person."

The nine Supreme Court justices also note that when their court struck down the country's prostitution laws in 2013, it recognized that the legal conception of "gross disproportionality" has changed since the Rodriguez decision.

"By contrast, the law on overbreadth, now explicitly recognized as a principle of fundamental justice, asks whether the law interferes with some conduct that has no connection to the law's objectives," says the judgment.

"The blanket prohibition (on physician-assisted death) sweeps conduct into its ambit that is unrelated to the law's objective."

The court agreed with the trial judge "that a permissive regime with properly designed and administered safeguards was capable of protecting vulnerable people from abuse and error. While there are risks, to be sure, a carefully designed and managed system is capable of adequately addressing them."

Bruce Cheadle, The Canadian Press
Published Friday, February 6, 2015 7:00AM EST
Last Updated Friday, February 6, 2015 11:36AM EST 
 
 
I was so pleased when I turned on the news at lunch and heard about the Supreme Court Ruling today.  I think the law that has made assisted death illegal in our country is archaic.  I completely agree with their decision that it goes against the charter of rights.  Individuals that are terminally ill should have the right to end their life peacefully if that is their choice.  It is their life and they should be able to make that decision.  There has been other attempts by terminally ill patients to challenge this law but, they were in vain.  Many of those who tried to fight the law are now deceased.  I am sure their families would agree with the ruling today wholeheartedly.  I do not understand the insistence of letting people suffer for months or even years before they pass on.  I truly believe that if an individual is terminally ill and are going through immeasurable suffering, they should be able to pass on with dignity with the help of a physician.
 
I am feeling good today.  My mind has settled down and my mood has stabilized.  Was a tough few days but, I am definitely feeling more positive.  I have been to the gym for the last three days and it has certainly helped my general wellness.  I have already lost two pounds and have a goal I am working towards before I go back to work.  My gym has moved and I love the new location.  It feels like a gym that Rocky would train in.  I am not going to be chugging any eggs in the near future but, it does help motivate me to get my ass in gear.
 
Hope you have a great weekend.  Take care,  Shawn. 


“None but ourselves can free our minds.”
Bob Marley






Thursday, 5 February 2015

Feeling Much Better

Yesterday was a better day.  I was feeling more like myself and a little more positive about things.  I have had really good sleeps the last few nights which has really helped.  I feel rested.

I cannot beat myself up for deciding not to plow or salt anymore.  I made a decision based on my overall wellness and that is the most important thing.  I may have let some people down in the process but, I cannot worry about that.  I tried something out and realized it was not for me.  I definitely gained a greater respect for guys who plow and salt year after year.  It takes a certain kind of person to be able to handle the rigors of working at making roads and parking lots safe overnight while the rest of us sleep.  I know now that I cannot work overnight in any capacity.  It just not fit with my medications and is not worth the risk to my mental state.  I have come too far and want to progress, not regress.

I had a chance to go to the Landscape Ontario meeting with my boss.  It was nice to catch up with him and get out of the house for a bit.  The speaker was a good one and I enjoyed listening to him.

I did make my first trip to the gym in quite some time yesterday.  It felt great to push some weight around and run on the treadmill for a bit.  I am going to make it part of my daily routine and know it will benefit both my body and mind.  I have put on more weight this winter than normal so I have my work cut out for me.  I will start dropping weight fairly quickly if I stick with it.

I may play some hoops tonight.  Dave asked me if I would be available.  Basketball was a big part of my life when I was younger so it will be good to shoot around a bit.  I know I will be a little rusty but, it should be fun.

The fact that we own our own house now has finally sunk in and it feels awesome.  I could not fully appreciate it as my mood has fluctuated so much over the last week.  Jodi and I worked really hard to get to this point and I am proud we were finally able to do it.

Does not feel like it right now but, spring is not too far a way.  I cannot wait to get going and see our customers again.  Last season was a tough one but, I have a feeling this year will be great.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Down

I have some expletives for how I have been feeling lately but, I will spare you of those.  I have been up and down for the last week.  In and out of the downzies.  I have felt like a failure a bit and have been wrapped up in negative emotions and have had some brief encounters with suicidal thoughts.

I am no longer plowing or salting.  It did not work out the way I expected it to.  Other than Sunday night, the winter has been really slow.  I have made very little money and it has been frustrating.  The bigger issue for me has been trying to adjust to the varying hours.  We go out overnight quite often and I was having quite a difficult time with that.  I usually take my risperidone at night and could not take it before I went out salting/powing as it helps me sleep.  Sleep is so important for me and it definitely was affected.  I feel as though I let the guys I worked for down.  They were a good group of guys and I did enjoy aspects of working there.  Probably part of the reason I have felt like a failure, letting others down.  I do not like giving up on things but, I just felt it was the best thing to do for me mentally.  I need to look at it is a learning experience and not beat myself up for moving on.

If history has proven anything to me,  this little funk I am in will pass eventually.  I know I am not a failure or a loser but, that is how I have been feeling lately.   I need to remind myself of positive aspects of my life.  I am taking a step to improve my mental state today by getting a gym membership.  If I can motivate myself to start going regularly, I know the benefits mentally will start to show.  Sometimes when I am in a bad head space, I need to force myself to do things I do not necessarily feel like doing.  Sitting around getting pissed off at myself has never accomplished anything.

As my dad tells me all the time, "This Too Shall Pass".

Take care,  Shawn.


Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Bell Let's Talk

Tomorrow, January 28th, is Bell Let's Talk day in Canada.  I look forward to this day every year as it is a big step in ending stigmas surrounding mental health. 

If you are a Bell customer, every text or long distance call made will raise five cents towards mental health initiatives.  You can also tweet using the hash tag BellLetsTalk and share the link on Facebook.  I am sure most of you would know someone, either a family member or friend, in your life that has struggled with some form of mental illness.  So please take a few moments tomorrow and send some texts.  If nothing else,  share a conversation with someone about mental health.

I have never been this stable in my life.  Seems just like yesterday that I did not want to leave my bed, just trapped in darkness.  If you knew me now, you would never know what I and those around me have been through over the years.  Jodi knows all too well the pain involved and I am forever grateful for her love and support.  She could have easily given up on me and no one would have blamed her in the slightest.  Mental disorders do not just affect those living with them.  They affect everyone surrounding the person and it can often be a difficult challenge.  I am so thankful for those in my life who have helped get me to this point.  I wish I had not impacted others in a negative way with some of my decisions but, I have been able to learn from the past and look forward to the future.

I was thinking the other day how sick my mind used to be.  I could not separate healthy thoughts from thoughts that were part of my illness.  I am so thankful I am able to manage my thoughts now and do not allow thoughts that shouldn't be there linger in my head.

I have not had a major depressive episode in over five years.  I have struggle through bouts of depression but, nothing like I used to have.  Depression used to paralyze me.  All I could see was darkness and my mind only filled me with negative thoughts about myself.

I have found being open about my illness now and sharing with others has not only been therapeutic for me but, in turn I hope I have been able to share with others some of the struggles of living with a mental illness.  That is what is so important about tomorrow,  sharing experiences with others.  Finding commonality in a cause and spreading awareness.

Take care,  Shawn.

 “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
Thích Nhất Hạnh


Friday, 16 January 2015

Anxiety Disorders

There are several types of anxiety disorders including panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, specific phobias, and generalized anxiety disorder.
Anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences at times. Many people feel anxious, or nervous, when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or making an important decision. Anxiety disorders, however, are different. They can cause such distress that it interferes with a person's ability to lead a normal life.
An anxiety disorder is a serious mental illness. For people with anxiety disorders, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be crippling.

What Are the Types of Anxiety Disorders?

There are several recognized types of anxiety disorders, including:
  • Panic disorder: People with this condition have feelings of terror that strike suddenly and repeatedly with no warning. Other symptoms of a panic attack include sweating, chest pain, palpitations (unusually strong or irregular heartbeats), and a feeling of choking, which may make the person feel like he or she is having a heart attack or "going crazy."
  • Social anxiety disorder: Also called social phobia, social anxiety disorder involves overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule.
  • Specific phobias: A specific phobia is an intense fear of a specific object or situation, such as snakes, heights, or flying. The level of fear is usually inappropriate to the situation and may cause the person to avoid common, everyday situations.
  • Generalized anxiety disorder: This disorder involves excessive, unrealistic worry and tension, even if there is little or nothing to provoke the anxiety.

What Are the Symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder?

Symptoms vary depending on the type of anxiety disorder, but general symptoms include:
  • Feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness
  • Problems sleeping
  • Cold or sweaty hands and/or feet
  • Shortness of breath
  • Heart palpitations
  • An inability to be still and calm
  • Dry mouth
  • Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet
  • Nausea
  • Muscle tension
  • Dizziness

What Causes Anxiety Disorders?

The exact cause of anxiety disorders is unknown; but anxiety disorders -- like other forms of mental illness -- are not the result of personal weakness, a character flaw, or poor upbringing. As scientists continue their research on mental illness, it is becoming clear that many of these disorders are caused by a combination of factors, including changes in the brain and environmental stress.
Like other brain illnesses, anxiety disorders may be caused by problems in the functioning of brain circuits that regulate fear and other emotions. Studies have shown that severe or long-lasting stress can change the way nerve cells within these circuits transmit information from one region of the brain to another. Other studies have shown that people with certain anxiety disorders have changes in certain brain structures that control memories linked with strong emotions. In addition, studies have shown that anxiety disorders run in families, which means that they can at least partly be inherited from one or both parents, like the risk for heart disease or cancer. Moreover, certain environmental factors -- such as a trauma or significant event -- may trigger an anxiety disorder in people who have an inherited susceptibility to developing the disorder.



How Common Are Anxiety Disorders?

Anxiety disorders affect millions of adult Americans. Most anxiety disorders begin in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. They occur slightly more often in women than in men, and occur with equal frequency in whites, African-Americans, and Hispanics.

How Are Anxiety Disorders Diagnosed?

If symptoms of an anxiety disorder are present, the doctor will begin an evaluation by asking you questions about your medical history and performing a physical exam. Although there are no lab tests to specifically diagnose anxiety disorders, the doctor may use various tests to look for physical illness as the cause of the symptoms.
If no physical illness is found, you may be referred to a psychiatrist, psychologist, or another mental health professional who is specially trained to diagnose and treat mental illnesses. Psychiatrists and psychologists use specially designed interview and assessment tools to evaluate a person for an anxiety disorder.
The doctor bases his or her diagnosis on the patient's report of the intensity and duration of symptoms -- including any problems with daily functioning caused by the symptoms -- and the doctor's observation of the patient's attitude and behavior. The doctor then determines if the patient's symptoms and degree of dysfunction indicate a specific anxiety disorder.

How Are Anxiety Disorders Treated?

Fortunately, much progress has been made in the last two decades in the treatment of people with mental illnesses, including anxiety disorders. Although the exact treatment approach depends on the type of disorder, one or a combination of the following therapies may be used for most anxiety disorders:
  • Medication: Drugs used to reduce the symptoms of anxiety disorders include anti-depressants and anxiety-reducing drugs.
  • Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy (a type of counseling) addresses the emotional response to mental illness. It is a process in which trained mental health professionals help people by talking through strategies for understanding and dealing with their disorder.
  • Cognitive-behavioral therapy: This is a particular type of psychotherapy in which the person learns to recognize and change thought patterns and behaviors that lead to troublesome feelings.
  • Dietary and lifestyle changes.
  • Relaxation therapy


Can Anxiety Disorders Be Prevented?

Anxiety disorders cannot be prevented; however, there are some things you can do to control or lessen symptoms:
  • Stop or reduce consumption of products that contain caffeine, such as coffee, tea, cola, energy drinks, and chocolate.
  • Ask your doctor or pharmacist before taking any over-the-counter medicines or herbal remedies. Many contain chemicals that can increase anxiety symptoms.
  • Seek counseling and support if you start to regularly feel anxious with no apparent cause.

WebMD Medical Reference
Reviewed by Joseph Goldberg, MD on February 08, 2014

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Three Years Soon

I was looking through my earlier blogs today.  I realized that I have been writing this blog for almost three years.  I wrote my first ever blog on February 26th, 2012.  I have thoroughly enjoyed writing in this.  I have tried to be open and honest about some of the things that I struggle with.  I have had almost 6000 page views which is never something I thought possible.  I started writing this as a form of therapy for myself but, hopefully over the last three years, I have helped spread some awareness around mental health.

One of the big positives for me in writing this blog is the ability to look back through older posts.  It helps keeps things in perspective for me and helps me realized how far I have actually come.  If I am struggling with something, I can look back and show myself that I have indeed pushed through obstacles and still managed to come out the other side.  It gives me a stronger belief in myself and I truly hope it shows others that it is possible to fight through periods of darkness and find some sense of peace.

My sister had pointed out to me a long time a go that perplection was spelled incorrectly.  It is actually a rare spelling of the word perplexion. 

perplection

English

Noun 

perplection (plural perplections)
Rare spelling of perplexion.

Now I must be quite honest,  I did at the time believe that it was indeed spelled the way it appears in my blogs address.  I was happy to find out that it was a rare spelling, as I certainly considered myself a rare person in the past.   I chose perplection or perplexion as it describes a state of confusion, bewilderment and/or puzzlement.  I thought that was quite fitting in describing what it is like at times living with a mental disorder.  www.mindperplection.blogspot.ca came to me instantly and I am very pleased that I chose that title for my blog address. 

I am not up to too much today.  I have to drop off a form at the lawyer.  A week from tomorrow, we will hopefully have closed on our first home.  I am going to pick up my pay check.  It has been over a month so it will be nice to put something in the bank which will help me keep things up to date.  I am not sure if we will have to salt tonight.  There is some snow for a few hours overnight but, I think it would not warrant going out.  Guess I will find out. I took Ollie for a good run today.  The cold has been affecting his legs but, he seems to be fine as long as he is running around.

Hope your having a good day.  Take care,  Shawn.

When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist



Wednesday, 14 January 2015

39

I turned 39 yesterday.  Every time I make it through another year, I feel grateful.  As I have mentioned in past blogs, I could have easily been a statistic. I am not sure how I made it this far in life, knowing how strong the urge was to end my life at times over the last twenty years.  I am thankful to those people in my life that have helped me get to this point.

I did have a great birthday. I worked early in the morning for a few hours doing some salting at the schools.  It was one of my easier shifts and it went smoothly.  I went back to bed for a bit and then had a massage with Angie.  Angie is great to talk to and I felt very relaxed afterwards.  I had a chance to have lunch with my parents which was nice.  It has been stressful for everyone with all the house stuff, so it was nice just to sit down and talk about other things.  I had physio with Anne in the afternoon for my bicep.  Anne is very good at what she does and we ended up having a really good discussion during the appointment.  Jodi made me a wonderful pasta dinner and my sister dropped off a pie for me which was quite tasty.  All and all, it was a good day.

Yesterday was my birthday but, we also got some news about our adopted grandmother, June.  She was not doing well and actually stopped breathing briefly.  She is 93 years old and has not been doing too well the last few weeks.  I visited with her last night and held her hand for a while.  She would squeeze it periodically.  She seemed peaceful in her sleep. She is doing a bit better today and my dad is visiting with her.  He said she woke up briefly and said what a beautiful day it was. June has been in our family for a long time.  She used to live with my Granny and I still remember visiting them in Toronto.  She has lived in Fergus for at least the last ten years.  She is a kind and generous person.  I always enjoyed hearing her various stories, especially the one about her trip to Barbados.  It will be sad when this chapter ends for her.  My hope is that she passes gently in her sleep.  She has had a wonderful life and has been a big part of our family.  I will miss her when the time comes but, know she will be in a better place.

I have been pretty busy with work the last two or three weeks.  I have been able to get some good hours in which will be nice for my pay day tomorrow.  I have started to get used to the routes and salting/plowing.  I am definitely not as efficient as the guys I work with as they have been doing it for the last five years of so.  It is getting easier for me though.  I would not do it again next year.  I do like it but, it is not worth the risk mentally for me.  The hours are so erratic in terms of what time we go out during the day/night.  I have not been able to take my medications at the same time every day which I have managed well thus far.  There is no way I would have been able to handle a job like this five years a go.  It is only because my mind has become so much stronger, that I still have been able to cope mentally with the irregularities in my daily routines.  I committed for the season and will probably work up until Jodi and I leave for Florida on her March break.  My plan is to relax for the last few weeks of March and then head in to another landscaping season.

I am very excited about this spring.  I have basically made the decision to go back to work for the same company I have been with for the last four years.  It is probably the earliest I have made this decision and has also been the easiest decision for me compared to years gone by.  I have no fear or anxiety moving towards spring and am looking forward to working with my boss, Devin and Christine again.  There is familiarity there and it makes me feel very comfortable in my decision.  I already know the pros and cons and have proven to myself on numerous occasions that I can push through any situation.  I love the fact that I get to do a variety of things and I love working with our customers on a weekly basis. Other opportunities have presented themselves to me but, I know this the right thing for both me mentally and for our family.

The Bell Let's Talk Day is actually in January this year,  on the 28th.  I have followed this initiative since its inception and am so proud of the fact that we have something like this in Canada that raises awareness around mental health.  If you live in Canada and are a Bell customer,  every text message or long distance call made on that day raises five cents for mental health initiatives.  You can also tweet using the hash tag BellLet'sTalk to raise funds.

Off to the bank to talk mortgage.  Can't believe we are so close to buying our first house.

Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
Paulo Coelho


Friday, 2 January 2015

From One Year to the Next

I would like to wish everyone a happy new year.  Hope you had a great time celebrating with family and friends.

My 2014 was probably the best year I have had in twenty years.  I achieved a lot of things on a personal level and I am proud of myself.  I was able to finish my fourth year with the same company.  I have never been that long at one job without an extended period of time off.  I was able to finally get my DZ license after a long process with my medical.  I am very pleased with myself that I stuck it out and worked hard to obtain something that will only benefit me in the future.  I was able to pay down more of my debt and my credit rating is finally getting back to respectability.  I achieved five years sober in November which is a huge milestone for me.  I did not enter a casino for a second straight year which is huge.  I did not even play cards with friends once this year.  I was able to maintain strong relationships with my family and friends.  Jodi and I have grown as a couple in the last year and we seem to be moving in a really positive direction.  We are in the verge of buying our first house which is very exciting, hopefully it works out next week.

Of all the positive things for me in 2014, the thing that gives me hope moving forward, is the change within my mind.  I have not had such long duration's of mental stability in one year in my life.  There were challenging times but, I was able to brush them off a little easier than in the past.  I am more aware of my thoughts and how to manage them.  I have been steadfast in taking my medications and trying to maintain a regular sleep pattern.  I have dealt with depression in 2014 but, the intensity of those bouts of depression have significantly lessened in the last year.  I do not spend every waking moment worrying about things of no major consequence.  I have enjoyed my Sundays for once which has made a huge difference in my weeks throughout the year.  Suicidal thoughts have drastically decreased over the last year.  I rarely have thoughts of ending my life and when I do, they are brief in duration.  I think they have lessened as the pain that I have felt in the past has slowly evaporated.  I have been able to look at the bright side of life and feel certain amounts of joy in life.  I am very thankful for the progress my mind has made this year and hopefully it will continue to grow stronger.

2015 is shaping up to be a good year.  As I mentioned, we are very close to purchasing our first house.  It has taken a lot of hard work to get to this point but, we stuck at it and it looks as though it may actually become a reality.  We have a trip to Florida booked in March and it will be awesome to spend some time with Bernie and Karen.  I am hoping to take a week off in the summer and visit them in PEI as well this summer.  I have not been there in over five years and a trip there for me is long overdue.

I would like to continue to grow this year.  I want to build on things I learned in 2014 and use them to help me grow stronger this year.  I want to become a better communicator.  I want to become better with money and budgeting properly.  I want to continue to share my story with others and help break stigmas surrounding mental health.  I would like to speak in front of youth and show them that they are not alone in whatever they may be struggling with.  I want to be a better husband.  I want to be a better son.  I want to be a better brother.  I want to be a better friend.  I want to put others first more often.  I want to push myself to be a better person everyday.  I want to continually challenge my mind with managing my thoughts effectively.  I want to push myself not to dwell on negatives or past failures but, to work hard at making a better future.  I would not really call these resolutions,  just aspects of my life that I want to continue to work on.

I truly wish you all the best in 2015.  Take care,  Shawn.

“May Light always surround you;
Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your Hurts turn to Healing;
Your Heart embrace Feeling.
May Wounds become Wisdom;
Every Kindness a Prism.
May Laughter infect you;
Your Passion resurrect you.
May Goodness inspire
your Deepest Desires.
Through all that you Reach For,
May your arms Never Tire.”
D. Simone