Tis the Season

I hope this finds you well during this holiday season.  I meant to write on Christmas day but, got caught up in the festivities of the day.  Our family Christmas was one of our best ever.  It was so nice to have everyone there as we have not been all together in a number of years.  It was awesome to spend time with Elias, Rylen, Micah and Taylor and to watch them open their gifts.  It brought back a lot of memories of when I was a kid years a go.

I did cry once on Christmas day.  I  think I just caught up with all the emotions of the day.  I kind of realized that this may have been one of our last Christmas days with all of us together.  It seemed fitting that we had the day we did and I do hope we get a chance to spend a few more like that.

I got an opportunity to help out with a volleyball clinic my brother Ryan and his friend Andy were running in Palmerston.  Ryan works for Volleyball Clinic and oversees high performance programs for high school athletes in British Columbia.  I am thankful I got a chance to see him work with youth and watch how he was able to impact their volleyball skills in such a short period of time.  He is really good at what he does and I am proud of him in so many ways.  It was fun for me to get back on the court and work with the kids.  I do miss coaching and hopefully I will have an opportunity to do it again in the future.

I am pleased to announce that my youngest brother Matt and his fiance Beth were married yesterday in Toronto.  It was a wonderful service and we are so thrilled he found such an amazing person to share his life with.  The reception was a lot of fun and we were able to share our family tradition of singing a song to the bride and groom.  Matt and I are very similar as we both live with bi-polar disorder.  He has been on quite the journey in his life and I am so proud at how far he has come.  He seems to be at a good place in his life and I am thankful for that.  Beth is a wonderful person and I believe she will support Matt when he needs it but, will also challenge him in a similar way that Jodi does for me.  I wish them nothing but the best in the years to come.

I have been feeling much better the last week or so.  It has been a little discouraging with the lack of snow as I have not had a chance to work much.  But it has been awesome to spend a lot of time with Jodi and Ollie.  I am going to look in to doing some tree work in the new year as it looks as though we are in for a milder winter so I have no choice but to look for some other work.

Today is just a relaxing day.  The last week has been very busy for us so it will be nice to have some down time.  There are some bowl games on today so I will get a chance to watch some college football.   Should probably take Ollie for another run later as we were gone for most of the day yesterday.

Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw

A Little Off

I have not been feeling well mentally the last few days.  I worked Saturday afternoon filling salt bins.  I was not feeling too bad while I was working but, as I drove home, my mood slid downwards in a hurry.  I cannot pin point the reason exactly but, I sunk in to a mini depression.  I sat in our chair crying when I got home.  I just felt overwhelmed by everything at once.  Jodi was not home and I felt alone in my sadness.  When I sink in to these bouts, I only see negatives and my mind pushes out anything positive.  Jodi helped to pick up my mood when she got home.  She does not let me accept the mood I am in and helps me push through.

I was feeling off again yesterday.  I had forgotten to take my meds the previous night and I have not done that in over a year.  I was up really early and could never really get back to sleep.  I had a lot of cleaning to do as we had our home inspection yesterday.  We are getting closer to getting our first home.  I almost made myself sick with nervous energy as I was really worried about the inspection. I was crying again for a bit and was grateful for how smoothly the inspection went as it definitely alleviated the stress I was feeling.  I am very excited about getting a house for the first time but, I put a lot of pressure to help out as much as I can financially.  There has not been too much snow so far and I am worried that I will not get enough hours in over the winter plowing and salting.  I am still not sure about working over nights and how that will impact me mentally.  Good sleep is so important for me and it will definitely be a challenge with the hours I will be working.

Today was a much better day.  I got one of the best sleeps I have had in quite some time.  I had a chance to go for  a coffee with my dad which is always nice.  I was able to enjoy the day and not worry too much about how the next few months will play out.  I really appreciate good days and need to remind myself that this time of year is always a challenging one for me.  Things will work out as they should and I need so spend more time enjoying the small things in life as opposed to worrying about possible negative outcomes.

Looking forward to seeing my sister tomorrow.  Should be a nice day for a drive. Looks like I may get in some salting tomorrow night which will be good. 

Hope you enjoy the rest of your week. Take care, Shawn.

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia: An Overview

 

Schizophrenia is a serious brain disorder that distorts the way a person thinks, acts, expresses emotions, perceives reality, and relates to others. People with schizophrenia -- the most chronic and disabling of the major mental illnesses -- often have problems functioning in society, at work, at school, and in relationships. Schizophrenia can leave its sufferer frightened and withdrawn. It is a life-long disease that cannot be cured but usually can be controlled with proper treatment.

Contrary to popular belief, schizophrenia is not a split personality. Schizophrenia is a psychosis, a type of mental illness in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined. At times, people with psychotic disorders lose touch with reality. The world may seem like a jumble of confusing thoughts, images, and sounds. The behavior of people with schizophrenia may be very strange and even shocking. A sudden change in personality and behavior, which occurs when schizophrenia sufferers lose touch with reality, is called a psychotic episode.

Schizophrenia varies in severity from person to person. Some people have only one psychotic episode while others have many episodes during a lifetime but lead relatively normal lives between episodes. Still other individuals with this disorder may experience a decline in their functioning over time with little improvement between full blown psychotic episodes. Schizophrenia symptoms seem to worsen and improve in cycles known as relapses and remissions.

Schizophrenia is a term given to a complex group of mental disorders. However, different types of schizophrenia may have some of the same symptoms. There are several subtypes of schizophrenia based on symptoms:

• Paranoid schizophrenia: People with this type are preoccupied with false beliefs (delusions) about being persecuted or being punished by someone. Their thinking, speech, and emotions, however, remain fairly normal.
• Disorganized schizophrenia: People with this type often are confused and incoherent and have jumbled speech. Their outward behavior may be emotionless or flat or inappropriate, even silly or childlike. Often they have disorganized behavior that may disrupt their ability to perform normal daily activities such as showering or preparing meals.
• Catatonic schizophrenia: The most striking symptoms of this type are physical. People with catatonic schizophrenia are generally immobile and unresponsive to the world around them. They often become very rigid and stiff and unwilling to move. Occasionally, these people have peculiar movements like grimacing or assume bizarre postures. Or, they might repeat a word or phrase just spoken by another person. At times, the opposite may be true and these individuals appear to engage in restless ongoing activity with no specific purpose or desired outcome (for example, walking a straight line over and over; repeatedly jumping in place). People with catatonic schizophrenia generally go back and forth between more sedentary behaviors and the restless, purposeless behaviors and are at increased risk of malnutrition, exhaustion, or self-inflicted injury.
• Undifferentiated schizophrenia: This subtype is diagnosed when the person's symptoms do not clearly represent one of the other three subtypes.
• Residual Schizophrenia: In this type of schizophrenia, the severity of schizophrenia symptoms has decreased. Hallucinations, delusions, or other symptoms may still be present but are considerably less than when the schizophrenia was originally diagnosed. In addition, there must still be evidence of the disturbance as indicated by the presence of some negative symptoms (for example, inexpressive faces, blank looks, monotone speech, seeming lack of interest in the world and other people, inability to feel pleasure).

What Are the Symptoms of Schizophrenia?

People with schizophrenia may have a number of symptoms involving changes in ability, behavior, and personality, and they may display different kinds of behavior at different times. When the illness first appears, symptoms usually are sudden and severe.

The most common symptoms of schizophrenia can be grouped into three categories: Positive symptoms, disorganized symptoms, and negative symptoms.

Positive Symptoms of Schizophrenia

In this case, the word positive does not mean "good." Rather, it refers to obvious symptoms that are not present in people without schizophrenia. These symptoms, which are sometimes referred to as psychotic symptoms, include:

• Delusions: Delusions are strange beliefs that are not based in reality and that the person refuses to give up, even when presented with factual information. For example, the person suffering from delusions may believe that people can hear his or her thoughts, that he or she is God or the devil, or that people are putting thoughts into his or her head or plotting against them.
• Hallucinations: These involve perceiving sensations that aren't real, such as seeing things that aren't there, hearing voices, smelling strange odors, having a "funny" taste in your mouth, and feeling sensations on your skin even though nothing is touching your body. Hearing voices is the most common hallucination in people with schizophrenia. The voices may comment on the person's behavior, insult the person, or give commands.
• Catatonia (a condition in which the person becomes fixed in a single position for a very long time).

Disorganized symptoms of schizophrenia are a type of positive symptom that reflects the person's inability to think clearly and respond appropriately.  Examples of disorganized symptoms include:

• Talking in sentences that do not make sense or using nonsense words, making it difficult for the person to communicate or engage in conversation
• Shifting quickly from one thought to the next
• Moving slowly
• Being unable to make decisions
• Writing excessively but without meaning
• Forgetting or losing things
• Repeating movements or gestures, such as pacing or walking in circles
• Having problems making sense of everyday sights, sounds, and feelings

  Cognitive Symptoms of Schizophrenia

  Cognitive symptoms include:
• Poor executive functioning (the ability to understand information and to use it to make decisions)
• Trouble focusing or paying attention
•  Difficulty with working memory (the ability to use information immediately after learning it)

Negative Symptoms of Schizophrenia

In this case, the word negative does not mean "bad," but reflects the absence of certain normal behaviors in people with schizophrenia. Negative symptoms of schizophrenia include:

• Lack of emotion or a very limited range of emotions
• Withdrawal from family, friends, and social activities
• Reduced energy
• Reduced speech
• Lack of motivation
• Loss of pleasure or interest in life
• Poor hygiene and grooming habits

What Causes Schizophrenia?

The exact cause of schizophrenia is not yet known. It is known, however, that schizophrenia -- like cancer and diabetes -- is a real illness with a biological basis. It is not the result of bad parenting or personal weakness. Researchers have uncovered a number of factors that appear to play a role in the development of schizophrenia, including:

• Genetics (heredity): Schizophrenia tends to run in families, which means a greater likelihood to develop schizophrenia may be passed on from parents to their children.
• Brain chemistry: People with schizophrenia may have an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. They may be either very sensitive to or produce too much of a brain chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, a substance that helps nerve cells in the brain send messages to each other. An imbalance of dopamine affects the way the brain reacts to certain stimuli, such as sounds, smells, and sights and can lead to hallucinations and delusions.
• Brain abnormality: Research has found abnormal brain structure and function in people with schizophrenia. However, this type of abnormality doesn't happen in all schizophrenics and can occur in people without the disease.
• Environmental factors: Evidence suggests that certain environmental factors, such as a viral infection, extensive exposure to toxins like marijuana, or highly stressful situations, may trigger schizophrenia in people who have inherited a tendency to develop the disorder. Schizophrenia more often surfaces when the body is undergoing hormonal and physical changes, such as those that occur during the teen and young adult years.

Who Gets Schizophrenia?

Anyone can get schizophrenia. It is diagnosed all over the world and in all races and cultures. While it can occur at any age, schizophrenia typically first appears in the teenage years or early 20s. The disorder affects men and women equally, although symptoms generally appear earlier in men (in their teens or 20s) than in women (in their 20s or early 30s). Earlier onset of symptoms has been linked to a more severe course of illness. Children over the age of 5 can develop schizophrenia, but it is very rare before adolescence.

How Common Is Schizophrenia?

Schizophrenia occurs in about 1% of the population. About 2.2 million Americans, ages 18 and older, will develop schizophrenia.

How Is Schizophrenia Diagnosed?

If symptoms of schizophrenia are present, the doctor will perform a complete medical history and physical exam. While there are no laboratory tests to specifically diagnose schizophrenia, the doctor may use various tests, such as X-rays and blood tests, to rule out a physical illness or intoxication (substance-induced psychosis) as the cause of the symptoms.

If the doctor finds no physical reason for the schizophrenia symptoms, he or she may refer the person to a psychiatrist or psychologist, mental health professionals who are specially trained to diagnose and treat mental illnesses. Psychiatrists and psychologists use specially designed interview and assessment tools to evaluate a person for a psychotic disorder. The therapist bases his or her diagnosis on the person's report of symptoms and his or her observation of the person's attitude and behavior. A person is considered to have schizophrenia if he or she has characteristic symptoms that last for at least six months.

How Is Schizophrenia Treated?

The goal of schizophrenia treatment is to reduce the symptoms and to decrease the chances of a relapse, or return of symptoms. Treatment for schizophrenia may include: 

• Medications: The primary medications used to treat schizophrenia are called antipsychotics. These drugs do not cure schizophrenia but help relieve the most troubling symptoms, including delusions, hallucinations, and thinking problems. Older medications used include: Thorazine, Prolixin, Haldol, Navane, Stelazine, Trilafon, Loxapine, and Mellaril. Newer drugs used to treat schizophrenia include: Abilify, Clozaril, Geodon, Invega, Latuda, Risperdal, Saphris, Seroquel, and Zyprexa.
• Psychosocial therapy: While medication may help relieve symptoms of schizophrenia, various psychosocial treatments can help with the behavioral, psychological, social, and occupational problems associated with the illness. Through therapy, patients also can learn to manage their symptoms, identify early warning signs of relapse, and develop a relapse prevention plan. Psychosocial therapies include:
  • Rehabilitation, which focuses on social skills and job training to help people with schizophrenia function in the community and live as independently as possible.
  • Individual psychotherapy, which can help the person better understand his or her illness, and learn coping and problem-solving skills.
  • Family therapy, which can help families deal more effectively with a loved one who has schizophrenia, enabling them to better help their loved one.
  • Group therapy/support groups, which can provide continuing mutual support.
• Hospitalization: Many people with schizophrenia may be treated as outpatients. However, people with particularly severe symptoms, or those in danger of hurting themselves or others may require hospitalization to stabilize their condition.
• Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT): This is a procedure in which electrodes are attached to the person's head and a series of electric shocks are delivered to the brain. The shocks induce seizures, causing the release of neurotransmitters in the brain. This form of treatment is rarely used today in the treatment of schizophrenia. ECT may be useful when all medications fail or if severe depression or catatonia makes treating the illness difficult.
• Psychosurgery: Lobotomy, an operation used to sever certain nerve pathways in the brain, was formerly used in some patients with severe, chronic schizophrenia. It is now performed only under extremely rare circumstances. This is because of the serious, irreversible personality changes that the surgery may produce and the fact that far better results are generally attained from less drastic and hazardous procedures

Are People With Schizophrenia Dangerous?

Popular books and movies often depict people with schizophrenia and other mental illnesses as dangerous and violent. This is usually not true. Most people with schizophrenia are not violent. More typically, they prefer to withdraw and be left alone. In some cases, however, people with mental illness may engage in dangerous or violent behaviors that are generally a result of their psychosis and the resulting fear from feelings of being threatened in some way by their surroundings.

On the other hand, people with schizophrenia can be a danger to themselves. Suicide is the number one cause of premature death among people with schizophrenia.

What Is the Outlook for People With Schizophrenia?

With proper treatment, most people with schizophrenia can lead productive and fulfilling lives. Depending on the level of severity and the consistency of treatment received they are able to live with their families or in community settings rather than in long-term psychiatric institutions.

Ongoing research on the brain and how brain disorders develop will likely lead to more effective medicines with fewer side effects.

Can Schizophrenia Be Prevented?

There is no known way to prevent schizophrenia. However, early diagnosis and treatment can help avoid or reduce frequent relapses and hospitalizations and help decrease the disruption to the person's life, family, and relationships.

WebMD Medical Reference

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Reviewed by Noëlle Santorelli, PhD on April 26, 2013

© 2013 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.

 

 

 

“Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When "I" is replaced by "We", illness becomes wellness.”
― Shannon L. Alder

 

Take care,  Shawn. Happy Thursday.

 

Dear Bi-Polar

Dear Bi-Polar

We have been on quite the journey you and I

Probably since I was 17 years old although I did not know about you then

I tried to live with you on my own for so long but,

I realized this was not possible

Self-medicating did nothing to thwart your advances through my twenties

Alcohol and Gambling did nothing to help share my life with you

It was not until I realized I needed help managing you that we could co-exist

I wish I did not have to take medication to live with you but, I accept that

You have affected my relationships, education, finances and employment

You have almost ended my life on numerous occasions

You have confused my mind with thoughts that should not be there

You have made it difficult to make good decisions

You have put me in deep depressions for long periods of time

You have made it challenging for me to push through daily life at times

I should despise you but, I do not

Although the road we have traveled over the last twenty years or so was an arduous one

We have learned to function as one

I would never have realized this many things about myself at such a young age without you

I would not have felt the same sense of accomplishment for conquering fears and anxieties

I would not have the strength inside me that I do now

I would not be able to share with others and spread awareness about mental health

I would not have the same insight about the world around me without you

Would life have been simpler without you?

Perhaps but, you made me in to who I am today and I thank you

I am not sure where the next twenty years of our journey together will lead us

But we can do it together, one step at a time.

Shawn

Bi Polar 1 Disorder

What Is Bipolar I Disorder?

Bipolar I disorder (pronounced "bipolar one" and also known as manic-depressive disorder or manic depression) is a form of mental illness. A person affected by bipolar I disorder has had at least one manic episode in his or her life. A manic episode is a period of abnormally elevated mood and high energy, accompanied by abnormal behavior that disrupts life.

Most people with bipolar I disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. Often, there is a pattern of cycling between mania and depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of mania and depression, many people with bipolar I disorder can live normal lives.

Who Is at Risk for Bipolar I Disorder?

Virtually anyone can develop bipolar I disorder. About 2.5% of the U.S. population suffers from bipolar disorder -- almost 6 million people.

Most people are in their teens or early 20s when symptoms of bipolar disorder first appear. Nearly everyone with bipolar I disorder develops it before age 50. People with an immediate family member who has bipolar are at higher risk.

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar I Disorder?

During a manic episode in someone with bipolar disorder, elevated mood can manifest itself as either euphoria (feeling "high") or as irritability.

Abnormal behavior during manic episodes includes:

• Flying suddenly from one idea to the next
• Rapid, "pressured," and loud speech
• Increased energy, with hyperactivity and a decreased need for sleep
• Inflated self-image
• Excessive spending
• Hypersexuality
• Substance abuse

People in manic episodes may spend money far beyond their means, have sex with people they wouldn't otherwise, or pursue grandiose, unrealistic plans. In severe manic episodes, a person loses touch with reality. They may become delusional and behave bizarrely.

Untreated, an episode of mania can last anywhere from a few days to several months. Most commonly, symptoms continue for a few weeks to a few months. Depression may follow shortly after, or not appear for weeks or months.

Many people with bipolar I disorder experience long periods without symptoms in between episodes. A minority has rapid-cycling symptoms of mania and depression, in which they may have distinct periods of mania or depression four or more times within a year.  People can also have mood episodes with "mixed features," in which manic and depressive symptoms occur simultaneously, or may alternate from one pole to the other within the same day.

Depressive episodes in bipolar disorder are similar to "regular" clinical depression, with depressed mood, loss of pleasure, low energy and activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. Depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder can last weeks or months, but rarely longer than one year.

What Are the Treatments for Bipolar I Disorder?

Manic episodes in bipolar I disorder require treatment with drugs, such as mood stabilizers and antipsychotics, and sometimes sedative-hypnotics (benzodiazepines such as Ativan or Klonopin). 

Mood Stabilizers

Lithium: This simple metal in pill form is especially effective at controlling mania that involves classical euphoria rather than mixtures of mania and depression simultaneously. Lithium has been used for more than 60 years to treat bipolar disorder. Lithium can take weeks to work fully, making it better for maintenance treatment than for sudden manic episodes. Blood levels of lithium as well as tests to measure kidney and thyroid functioning must be monitored to avoid side effects.

Depakote: This antiseizure medication also works to level out moods. It has a more rapid onset of action, often making it more effective for an acute episode of mania than lithium. It is also often used "off label" for prevention of new episodes. Only mood stabilizers that can be used with the loading dose method -- beginning at a very high dose -- allow the possibility of significant improvement in mood as early as four to five days.

Some other antiseizure drugs, notably Tegretol and Lamictal, can have value in treating or preventing manias or depressions. Other antiseizure medicines that are less well-established for the treatment of bipolar disorder, include Trileptal, Neurontin, and Topamax.

Antipsychotics

For severe manic episodes, traditional antipsychotics (such as Haldol, Loxapine, or Thorazine) as well as newer antipsychotic drugs -- also called atypical antipsychotics -- may be necessary. Abilify, Risperdal, Saphris, Seroquel, Geodon, and Zyprexa are often used, and many other drugs are available. The antipsychotic Latuda is approved for use -- either alone or with lithium or Depakote -- in cases of bipolar I depression. Antipsychotic medicines are also sometimes used for preventive treatment.

Benzodiazepines

This class of drugs includes Xanax, Ativan, and Valium and is commonly referred to as minor tranquilizers. They are sometimes used for short-term control of acute symptoms associated with mania such as agitation or insomnia, but they do not treat core mood symptoms such as euphoria or depression.

Antidepressants

Common antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil have not been shown to be as effective for treating depression in bipolar disorder as in unipolar depression. In a small percentage of people, they can also set off or worsen a manic episode in a person with bipolar disorder. For these reasons, the first-line treatments for depression in bipolar disorder involve medicines that have been shown to have antidepressant properties but also no known risk for causing or worsening mania.  The three FDA-approved treatments for bipolar depression are Seroquel or Seroquel XR, Symbyax (olanzapine-fluoxetine) combination and LAtuda. Other mood-stabilizing treatments that are sometimes recommended for treating acute bipolar depression include lithium, Depakote, and Lamictal (although none of these medicines is FDA-approved specifically for bipolar depression). If these fail, after a few weeks a traditional antidepressant or other medicine may sometimes be added. Psychotherapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, may also help.

People with bipolar I disorder (mania or depression) have a high risk for recurrences and usually are advised to take medicines on a continuous basis for prevention.

Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT)

Despite its scary reputation, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is an effective treatment for both manic and depressive symptoms. ECT is seldom used to treat bipolar I disorder, but can be helpful if medicines fail or can't be used.

Can Bipolar I Disorder Be Prevented?

The causes of bipolar disorder are not well understood. It's not known if bipolar I disorder can be prevented entirely.

It is possible to lower the risk of episodes of mania or depression once bipolar disorder has developed. Regular therapy sessions with a psychologist or social worker can help people to identify factors that can destabilize mood (such as poor medication adherence, sleep deprivation, drug or alcohol abuse, and poor stress management), leading to fewer hospitalizations and feeling better overall. Taking medicine on a regular basis can help to prevent future manic or depressive episodes.

How Is Bipolar I Different From Other Types of Bipolar Disorder?

People with bipolar I disorder experience full episodes of mania -- the often severe abnormally elevated mood and behavior described above. These manic symptoms can lead to serious disruptions in life (for example, spending the family fortune, or having an unintended pregnancy).

In bipolar II disorder, the symptoms of elevated mood never reach full-blown mania. They often pass for extreme cheerfulness, even making someone a lot of fun to be around -- the "life of the party." Not so bad, you might think -- except bipolar II disorder usually involves extensive and disabling periods of  significant depression, which can often be harder to treat than if episodes of hypomania had never occurred.

WebMD Medical Reference

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Reviewed by Joseph Goldberg, MD on May 11, 2014

© 2014 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.

 

 

 

“Laughter is wine for the soul - laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness - the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.”
― Seán O'Casey

 

Take care,  Shawn.

 

 

 

 

Pride

Last week was a  really good week.  I was not too positive about things on Monday as it was a miserable day to be working outside and I was having trouble staying motivated.  But things improved as each day passed and the three of us put a huge dent in our fall clean ups.  We were down in Port Credit on Friday and finished three properties in one day which almost finished things up for the year.  We have a little bit left to do tomorrow and then hopefully we will take a few days off.  There is some other work to do in December in terms of coverings and tying up some things up but, we are almost there.  I am so proud of what we have accomplished with such a small team.  It has been quite the year for us and I believe probably my most rewarding in terms of accomplishing the things we did under some challenging situations.

This by far has been my best year mentally in twenty years.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep things a float this season and I am proud of myself for taking on the responsibility I did.  I still struggled with my mind at times but, not nearly as much as in years gone by.  There were difficult moments but, I was able to deal with them a little easier this year.  I did not allow too many things too linger in my mind for too long and tried to stay focused on taking it one day at a time.  My bouts of depression did not last long and I did not allow my thoughts to control my mood for long periods of time.  I was able to enjoy my Sundays at last and did not spend every night worrying about the next day would bring.  There was certainly some stress and anxiety and some moments when I did not think I would be able to make it through the season.  But I pushed through those moments and achieved a lot of positive things this year.  Over the last four years, there were many days when I did not feel as though I could go on with my job or life in general.  The thing that I am most proud of is that I still showed up every day and did my best to keep on fighting. The mind is a powerful thing and can make facing difficult times challenging when someone is dealing with a mental disorder.  I could have given up many times but, I remained steadfast in my determination.

One aspect that has been a welcome change is the absence of suicidal idealizations.  There were some days when I would get the occasional thoughts of ending my life but, they were brief in duration.  In years past,  there would not have been one week where I did not think about suicide at least a handful of times.  It shows the immense improvement in the stability of my mind.  I am almost forty now and if you had asked me ten years a go if I thought I would still be alive at this point,  I probably would have said no.  It has been a long road to get here and I am thankful for being at this point at my life.  It is important to understand that I have never wanted to end my life.  Others that have bi polar or other mental illnesses would understand the pain that exists inside at times and the strong urges to end my life were too end that pain.  That pain has slowly lessened as time has passed.  I have struggled to let the past go at times as I have impacted a lot of people in a negative way over my life.  I have learned that I can only work hard at being a better person on daily basis and use my experiences to help others understand a little bit about the struggles on mental health.

I hope this finds you well.  Take care and bye for now.  Shawn.

 “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard

Got My D

I am happy to announce that I was successful in obtaining my D license.  It was a long process but, it feels great to finally accomplish another goal of mine.  My training went really well but, I got quite nervous during the test which almost cost me.  I was the only Humber student that day to pass my test.  It definitely gives me a sense of achievement and another positive to help me maintain a balance in life.

We have been shut down for the week in terms of our fall clean ups.  Southern Ontario has got an early blast of winter just as many places across North America have.  The ground is covered in snow and temperatures are well below seasonal norms.  There is not much we would be able to do.  Fortunately, there looks to be some rain in the forecast on Sunday and Monday along with some milder temperatures.  It would be great if that allowed us to continue our clean ups as I would love to get them finished with.  Typically I am done by American Thanksgiving but, that is not going to happen this year to to this winter wonderland and the fact that there are only two of us.  I hope we don't go too far in to December but, I guess time will tell.

I started my plowing job on Monday night seeing as I had the time this week.  My first shift went fairly well,  just getting used to the plow and familiarizing myself with properties.  Definitely took me a bit longer than I wanted at some places but, I am happy with how it went.  I worked last night too just to do some touch ups so it wasn't a long night.  We had a fair amount of snow this afternoon and early evening so it looks to be a full shift for tonight.  I was able to get some good sleep today and actually feel refreshed.  Yesterday I had trouble sleeping and it will probably take me a while to get used to a new routine.  I was a little down before I started last night.  I am excited for this opportunity but, am a little scared at the same time.  This has been the best year I have had mentally in twenty years and it worries me a bit as to how this change will affect me.  I just want to maintain good patterns and make sure I am doing everything I can to channel my thoughts and moods in a positive way.  I almost cried in my car before I started but, I pulled myself together and had a great shift.  If I have proven anything to myself in the last four years is that I can push through anything and everything will work out if I stay determined.

I probably would not have taken this on if we were not on the verge of getting our first house.  I have enjoyed my time off in the winter and spending the time with Jodi and Ollie.  I want to be able to contribute to our goal of owning our own house and decided this was the best thing for our little family. 

My mind was racing quite a bit last night, especially when I got home and was falling asleep.  It is hard to describe my thoughts when my mind is racing but, it can be difficult to slow them down.  My mom used to be a vision specialist with the school board and had glasses that people could put on in order to see what individuals with vision impairments went through.  I think it would be interesting if there was some form of technology that allowed others to see what it was like in someones mind that has a mental illness.  Don't see it happening, just think it would give others a better understanding of what individuals struggle with at times.  My mood has actually stayed balanced.  I have not had many bouts of depression which has been a welcome addition to my life.  I still remember being in deep depressions.  Not wanting to get out of bed or leave my house for days, weeks and sometimes months at a time.  Sometimes those experiences do not seem like they actually happened seeing how well I am doing now.  I will not forget those times though and use those experiences as motivation to keep the course and work hard at my mental health.

Just about to have some pizza for dinner.  Hope you are having a good week.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “Mental illness turns people inwards. That's what I reckon. It keeps up forever trapped by the pain of our own minds, in the same way that the pain of a broken leg or a cut thumb will grab your attention, holding it so tightly that your good leg or your good thumb seem to cease to exist.”
― Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall

Damn Back

I did not sleep well last night.  My back is in rough shape and I am having issues walking on my right side.  I know exactly what the problem is but, have not been able to get in to physiotherapy.  I love my physio clinic but, am a bit frustrated that they do not hold some spots for same day appointments.  Whenever I have a serious ailment, it seem like I can never get in to see them for at least a week which does not suit me.  Unfortunately, I may have to miss a day of work on Monday as there is no way I could get through another day with the pain I am experiencing.  I know I could get in during the day on Monday but, would miss being at work as we made some good progress on fall clean ups this week.

We have made some good progress on fall clean ups considering the weather we have had to deal with and the fact that there is only two of us.  Thursday was a miserable day but, I tried to make the best of it.  Nobody enjoys being out in some of the weather we have had but, it is part of the territory at this point.  If I had to guess,  I would say that we had another two, maybe three weeks left.  Seems like an eternity a way but, we will get there eventually.  I am really looking forward to that last day and having some well deserved down time.

My mind has been steadfast in maintaining a healthy balance in my life.  Monday night was an immense struggle but, I managed to push through and have a great week.  I have been able to keep my thoughts in check and limit the depressive side of my disorder.  I am aware that the winter will be a challenge as it looks as though I will be plowing snow.  Shifts for plowing often go through the night and that would be pose some issues for me.  I have no problem working at night,  I would just have to have a discussion with my doctor as to when I would take my night time medication.  I am thinking I would take it first thing in the morning as I would often be sleeping during the day.  It is very important that I make sure my wellness remains my focus and that I am taking measures to make sure that continues through the winter.  I have some anxieties about what I will be taking on but, am confident it will all work out in a positive way.

Jodi is very excited about decorating for the holiday season today.  We got our first fake tree last weekend on sale and I am actually quite pleased with it.  It came with lights in it as well and definitely exceeded my expectations.  I will miss real trees at times but, this one suits our needs the best and will last for a long time.  Jodi loves making our place look festive and I will try my best to help her.  Unfortunately, I will be limited as to what I can do.  I took Ollie for a walk this morning and it was a struggle walk a short distance.  I have already taken some Advil so hopefully that will help ease the pain a bit.

I will write again tomorrow.  Hope you have a wonderful weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Five Years Baby!!!!

It has been quite some time since I last wrote in my blog.  I have missed writing a lot as I always enjoy sharing my thoughts.  Quite a lot has happened in the last few months and I will try to touch on some of them.

The Praught family was here last weekend and we had a wonderful visit.  It was awesome to see everyone and hear all about Duane and Erin's trip to South America.  I even managed to win Wizard twice which rarely happens as Jodi usually comes out on top.  We went out for a few meals and made it to St Jacobs market on the Saturday. St. Jacobs was crazy busy and I am not sure I would venture back there anytime soon.  We also went to the corn maze at Neuman Farms and had a great time.  The girls beat Duane and I but, their time through the maze was a little suspect. Kaye made the trip with Bernie and Karen and she still has a tonne of energy for her age.  She turns 86 this year and is a lot of fun to be around.  Bernie and Karen were on their way to Florida and have made it down there safe and sound.  We made the best of our short time together and will look forward to seeing Bernie and Karen in March as we our making a trip down to Estero, Fl. 

It has been quite a year at work.  So much has happened in the last seven months, it is difficult to put everything in perspective.  We are down to just Devin and I and we are making the best of it.  Jesse was off for a month taking care of some personal things and was supposed to come back a little over a month a go.  He called my boss the day before and said he was leaving for another job.  There is a lot more to the story but, it is not my story to tell.  So my boss, Devin and I are making the best of things and keep pushing through.  I am pleased to report that we have made it through another cutting season which I am thankful for.  It was quite the year of cutting as the grass never slowed down which made it challenging to say the least.  I am very proud of the job we do grass cutting and I know our customers appreciate it too.  Our properties do stand out and I get great satisfaction in knowing that.  We got a nice tip from my favorite place to cut which was awesome.  The tip was nice but, it was more the gesture and the fact that they appreciated our work.

I never thought we would get here but, we are finally going to start our fall clean ups which means the season is slowly winding down.  We have a small sod job to finish and I am hoping that is the last of our other jobs as it would be nice just to focus on the clean ups as we will have our work cut out for us with just two people.  Normally we have had Heather to help us with clean ups but, she is not around this year.  I never thought we would get to this point after the year we have had but, it is nice knowing I just have to push through four more weeks.

I am pleased to announce that I am officially five years sober today.  I am so proud of this accomplishment and know my life would not be where it is today if I had not finally not made that decision.  Alcohol never benefited myself or others in my life in any way.  Quite honestly, I wish I was twenty years sober as it there would have been less anguish and disappointment for myself and those in my life.  Alcohol definitely impeded my ability to reach my full potential in many aspects of life and it is unfortunate I could not come to the same realization years a go.  I will not dwell on the past though and know the future is much brighter with the decision I finally made five years a go.

Alcohol does not erase pain.  Alcohol does not solve inner turmoil.  Alcohol does not benefit meaningful relationships in life.  Alcohol does not manage depression or clear an unstable mind. It does quite the opposite.  I have great respect for those in life who chose at early points in their lives that they did not want to consume alcohol as part of their life.  Jodi's cousin Ryan and my Uncle Jerry come to mind and I envy that conscious decision they made.

I am going to celebrate today with Dave as we are going out for wings.  Then I plan on a relaxing day at home with Jodi and Ollie watching some football.  Should be the perfect way to celebrate.  It is a beautiful day outside and makes me thankful to be alive.

I have three more driving lessons this week and then my road test for my D license on Thursday.  The training is going really well and I am thankful to have a good instructor.  I have been nothing but impressed with Humber College and the job they do with driver training.  All the in class and drive training have been excellent and I would recommend their program to anyone looking to get in to the trucking industry.  And it is not just the instruction, is is the level of professionalism and character of the instructors that make the program so wonderful.

Well that it is for me today.  I do plan on writing more often as things will slow down a bit in the next few weeks.  I have been exhausted running on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night during the week but, I know it will be over after Thursday and things will get back to normal.  Hope this finds you in good mental health.  Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“I once heard a sober alcoholic say that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and I couldn’t understand why the happiness never came, couldn’t see the flaw in my thinking, couldn’t see that alcohol kept me trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. I lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time I drank it would be different, next time it would make me feel good again. And all my efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn’t made me feel good in years.”
― Heather King, Parched

Excellent Week

I had an excellent week.  Everything went smoothly and we got a lot accomplished.  Devin did really well and the grass slowed down just enough to make things manageable.  I have never seen the grass so thick at this time of year.  We have not caught a break at all and hopefully this colder weather will really slow things down for the last five weeks of cutting.  I love grass cutting but, I am really looking forward to our last cut.  I am proud of our little team in how we have handled ourselves during this challenging year.  I am quite amazed at how well I have handled things mentally.  There is no way I would have been able to handle a year like this is if I had not made vast improvements with how I handle my thoughts and mood.  I have learned how to cope in a more efficient manner.  My biggest stride is that I have been able to separate work and home.  In years gone by and certainly with past jobs,  it was an immense struggle not to bring work home with me.  Stress and anxiety were often prevalent during my time off but, I have been able to really enjoy my time a way from work and not worry about things too much.  It certainly has made things easier for Jodi and I and our relationship has grown in a positive way.

I have my first day off of the year coming up on Monday.  I needed to book a day to see my doctor as my medications are out of refills.  It is good for me to check in anyway and it will give me a chance to meet my new physician as Dr. Otto is retiring.  It will be hard to duplicate the relationship I had built with Dr. Otto but, I am sure it will work out just fine.  I am also going to take my learners for my D license.  As I mentioned in a past blog, it was quite the process to be cleared to take my learners.  It still really bothers me that my bi-polar 2 disorder made things challenging with the the ministry of transportation in Ontario.  I have driven for over twenty years and consider myself quite a competent driver.  I feel they are discriminating in a way.  I can understand the meaning behind the process to an extent but, it has still been very frustrating for me. I will drive down to Humber college after I get my learners to book my driving lessons and my road test.  I cannot wait to finally get my D license as it will certainly open up some doors and give me another positive achievement to hang my hat on.

I am looking forward to the Praught clan coming in to Fergus later in October.  It will be awesome to see them all and get a chance to hear about Duane and Erin's one year journey in South America.  I am sure Duane will not let me forget the horrible trade I made with his fantasy hockey team, which I was in charge of while he was gone.  Still wish I had not slept through the draft.  Bernie and Karen will leave for Florida after visiting and I believe we are planning on going down there on March break.  Aunt Kaye is also coming in October and it is always great to see her.  She always has tonnes of energy and is fun to play cards with.

It is bath time for Ollie today.  He is not a big fan of baths but, he is long overdue.  I will take him for a good play today as well.  I am looking forward to relaxing this afternoon and catching up on some college football action.  I should probably get an oil change at some point too.

I am running 10km tomorrow in Oakville.  I am running in support of the Lighthouse Foundation which is an organization that helps families going through loss.  It is an important cause and I really want to finish the run.  I know I will finish as Amaya will be with me stride for stride.  I still think of her everyday and am certain she has been watching over me.  It will be great to see everyone there running for and supporting the A Team.  Les and Bart had some t-shirts made for us and I will wear it proudly.

I hope this finds you in good spirits.  Have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.


“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
― Helen Keller

Football is Back

I love Ollie but, he was a bit of a monkey this morning.  He woke me up at 1:30 to go pee and then again at 5:30.  So much for a good nights sleep.  He will be sleeping downstairs this week as I am on earlies and need my sleep.

I had a really good week last week.  It was only a four day week but, it felt like a six day week.  We got a lot accomplished in a short time period.  Friday was a tough day as it was over 40 with the humid ex.  It was probably the hottest day of the year which is kind of funny as we are in September.  I had a very close call with a tree.  The heat must have gotten to me as I made a very poor decision and it almost cost me.  Fortunately it barely grazed me as it fell. I gave my boss a pretty good scare and I think he was just thankful I was alright.  I have done a tonne of tree work this year and never came close to putting myself in that position.  I definitely learned a valuable lesson and will not make the same mistake again.

Mentally, I have been doing fairly well.  I was actually quite proud of myself last Thursday.  We had a bit of an incident with the Ferris as the exhaust was knocked off with a swing that Devin had put in the tree.  Now I was not aware that Jessie and Devin were putting that particular swing in the tree to cut around the tree pit.  I would have put that idea to rest if I had known as it was only an accident waiting to happen.  I was riding the John Deere and saw Devin approaching me.  I knew something shitty had happened.  When he explained the situation, I was pretty pissed off.  I could not be too upset with him as he had only been doing what Jessie had told him to do with the swing.  We looked at the situation and I told him just to leave it and go push mow.  There was nothing we could do at that point as the exhaust was still hot.  Sometimes it is better to leave a problem and come back to it.  We looked at the exhaust at break.  We took off the bolt on the bracket and I banged it out a bit with a hammer.  I then put the exhaust back on and fit it to the bracket again.  My temporary fix up job worked and the machine was running well again.  Now it does not seem like a big deal as fixing situations is ultimately part of the job.  It was significant because in years past,  this incident would have thrown me for the remainder of the day and perhaps the rest of the week.  I would have been consumed with worry and dead set on focusing on the negative.  My mind would have been racing a mile a minute and my mood would have slipped down dramatically.  I handled it on Thursday really well and did not allow the situation to affect me drastically.  I tried to look at is as an unfortunate situation.  I could not control the fact that it happened but, could control my reaction to it and I am proud of myself for the way in which I carried myself.

My thoughts have been relatively balanced of late.  I have been able to control them in a positive way.  I still have many thoughts that should not be there and it is often difficult to navigate them.  Thoughts can be very powerful and I have let them control me in the past.  Now if I have thoughts that should not be there or are unhealthy, I tell them to fuck off or give them a finger.  It seems to work for me for the most part.  The odd time I may let something linger in my mind that is negative but, it has become easier for me to manage my mind.  My mind continues to grow stronger and is healthier that it has ever been.  I still have some pretty odd images as I close my eyes to go to sleep to night but, my one medication helps me with that so I can fall asleep a lot easier.

I use the NFL season as a bench mark for my year and I have made it to another season.  So excited for kick off this afternoon.  We are heading to Dave and Megs to watch the games and Jodi is making some soup for lunch.  Dave and Megs had a beautiful baby girl named Madelyn a short time a go and I am looking forward to seeing her again today.  I think Dave is pretty happy to be a father and I know they will make great parents.

I hope things in your life are going well.  Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don't believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it's good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.”
― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

Better Week

I had a really good week this week.  No sign of the downzies.  I was able to manage my thoughts in a positive way and did not allow myself to let things affect me as much as last week.  It was definitely a busy week but, I tried to just take it one day at a time.

We got a lot accomplished at work this week.  It is amazing what you can get done if you are determined and work hard.  I was really happy with Devin and the effort he put forth.  He has come a long way and is steadily improving.

My back has been bothering me quite a bit of late.  I hope to get in to physio again next week and get some adjustments.  I just need to get through three more months so hopefully with physio and stretching, I can manage the strain on my back for the stretch run.

It is hard to believe that September is here already.  Seems just like yesterday we were cleaning up the mess from last winter.  Football season is back on Thursday night with the Packers at the Seahawks.  I have my first long weekend off this year and I am really looking forward to some down time.  We are going out for breakfast with my parents this morning.  They just got back from their trip out west so it will be good to catch up with them.

Hope you have a great weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “The true measure of success is how many times you can bounce back from failure.”
― Stephen Richards

Good Morning

I woke up this morning feeling much better.  I had a good sleep and felt really positive about the day ahead.  I can relax and enjoy my time with Jodi and Ollie.  I do not need to worry about getting through next week as it is not here yet.

I took Ollie for a play at the arena this morning.  He had a good run and we bumped in to another dog as we were leaving.  Ollie ran right up to me and then waited by the car.  He had not interest in interacting with the other dog who was quite friendly.  It still bothers me that a few attacks on him at the dog park have deterred him from wanting to approach other dogs.  It is unfortunate that some owners take aggressive dogs there and make it difficult for passive dogs like Ollie to trust they are safe.  I will never take Ollie back there as he does not know how to defend himself.  We are alike in a way.  We both have issues standing up for ourselves at times.  Maybe that is why we share such a strong bond.  I stand up for him and he helps me navigate struggles.

We decided not to go to Toronto to watch beach  nationals.  The weather is not exactly ideal for a beach day and it turns out that most of the top teams in Canada are playing overseas in an FIVB event.  We are not exactly sure what our plans are but, that is fine with me.  It is nice to have nothing to do and figure things out as we go.  We may end up going to rib fest in Guelph as we have never been.  The only issue with that is that Jodi is gluten free now and I am certain there will not be too many gluten free ribs.

My head got rocked by a deck the other day at work.  I was push mowing in a back yard at full throttle and did not notice a low lying deck.  I walked right in to it and smoked my head.  I was knocked to the ground and was spitting out blood for a few minutes.  I guess the impact drove my teeth in to the tip of my tongue.  I lay down for a minute and then just kept right on push mowing.  I had a bit of a headache for a while but, not lingering affects since.  Good thing I have such a hard head.

The thing I have to remind myself is that I am good at what I do.  Yes I have made some mistakes of late but, I have also done some amazing work.  The trouble I seem to have when I have the downzies is that I can only see the mistakes I have made and not all the positive things I do on a weekly basis.  I have to slow things down and not put the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I can only do so much and have to look at my mistakes as a learning opportunity and not a condemnation of me as a person.

One week left in August and then three months to go.  Hard to believe five months of the season are almost done.  I am proud of myself for pushing through things amidst challenging circumstances.  I do miss Heather a lot and wish she was around right now.  Sounds like she will be down our way in the next while so I will get a chance to catch up.  Can't wait to get a big hug.

Hope you have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.


 “Since I am suffering with type 2 bipolar disorder mainly on the depressive side of the bipolar disorder.
I am not afraid nor am I disappointed with it; if this is what God Almighty want me to have; I will make sure that I will make good use of this disorder; and, be the best person that I can be.”
― Temitope Owosela

One Step at a Time

This week has been a tough one for me.  The last two days, I have been extremely low.  Things have been very stressful for me. I was having spasms on the left side of my chest for a day which I am sure can be attributed to the anxiety I have been feeling.  I have experienced some suicidal thoughts for the first time in a long while.  I am not sure how I made it through the week but, I did and that counts for something.

We are down another person at work which has been challenging.  That and the fact that I am the only one who can drive a truck and trailer.  I have definitely been putting a lot of pressure on myself.  I have made some mistakes pruning which does not bode well.  Just a little disappointed in myself and I always take things too personally.  Part of it probably is that I have rushed at times trying to get to the next job.  I did not even feel like pruning this afternoon as I was scared I would mess something else up.  It still went well though and I am pretty sure I did a good job. 

A good friend of mine is going through a very challenging time in his life.  I wish there was a way I could help as I can certainly relate to some of what he is going through.  I can only be here if he wants to reach out.  Miss seeing him too.  Has always had such a positive attitude and has been a good friend to me.  Just wish he did not have to be going through this right now.

We were hoping to go down to Toronto to watch beach nationals tomorrow.  I am not sure if that will work out.  Depends on how I am feeling I guess and if I have the energy to make the trip as I have been exhausted.  I should force myself to go as I know we will have a great time once we are down there.  Volleyball has been a big part of my life and I miss being a part of it.  Beach nationals is something that Jodi and I loved to go to in years past so hopefully I can turn my mood around and make the trip down to Ashbridges Bay.

As I have mentioned in a past blog,  I often make myself a list of positive things to look forward to when I am feeling really low.  Well,  tonight there happens to be something.  I have my fantasy football draft which is a lot of fun.  I also have five years sober to celebrate coming up in November.  Football season starts in two weeks.  Fall is almost here and it is my favourite time of the year.  Thanksgiving will be here soon and we get to host the Praught family for Thanksgiving dinner and four days of family fun.  Duane and Erin will be here with Bernie and Karen.  Looking forward to hearing about their trip to South America.  I should have my DZ license by the new year.  So when I stop and think about it,  I have lots of reasons to push through the downzies.  It certainly is not an enjoyable experience but, I have to fight through it.  If I look back at my blogs for the last two years,  I would find that I come through many challenges and there is no reason I cannot continue to do so.

Well,  I feel much better already after writing.  I love writing.  I makes me feel alive when I can formulate thoughts in to words on a page.

Hope this finds you well.  One step at a time.  Take care,  Shawn.


“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” – Dr. Wayne W Dyer

Good Morning Vietnam

When I was younger, one of my favorite movies was Good Morning Vietnam.  The character of the eccentric DJ during the war really intrigued me.  The actor did such an amazing job in that role and I will always remember it.

We were watching television last night and Jodi happened to be checking her Facebook.  She looked over towards me and informed me that Robin Williams had taken his life.  I asked if she was sure and she said yes.  I was shocked.  He has always been one of my favorite comedians and actors.  He has made me smile on numerous occasions even when I did not feel like smiling.  He has made me laugh when I did not feel like laughing.  And he has brought tears to my eyes in his dramatic roles, especially in Patch Adams.

It really hit me today at work.  I was deeply saddened.  Mental illness does not discriminate against anyone.   It affects the rich and the poor.  It affects people of every race.  It affects men and women.  I have been where he was before he chose to take his own life.  I can relate to the pain and inner turmoil he must have been going through before those final moments.  It is a dark place to be and I wish somehow, some light could have shone through, even just a little.

He brought so much joy to others in his life and he will continue to do so with his body of work remaining for us to remember him.  His life was not wasted.  He impacted others in a profound way and that I am thankful for.  I did not know him personally but, think he would have been a great person to have a chat over a coffee.  I will miss him and take solace knowing his pain is gone.

“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star

Happy Day!!!! Welcome Taylor Jane !!!!

Well, it has been quite sometime since I have written.  There has been lots to write about but, just kept putting it off.

Firstly, our family has a new addition.  My sister in law Deb gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Taylor Jane, on August 5th.  I am so happy for Ryan, Deb and Rylen and their new addition.  She was 7lb 8 ounces and I am so excited to have a new niece.  Cannot wait to meet her for the first time.

My nephew Elias turned 7 years old today.  Happy Birthday Elias!!!!!  Hard to believe that much time has gone by.  Seems just like yesterday he was just a baby.  Proud to be his uncle and look forward to watching him continue to grow.

A very happy birthday today to my mother in law Karen.  Wish I could be there to celebrate with you.  Could not ask for a better mother in law.  Thanks for being you.

Jodi just got back last Thursday from a two week trip out east to visit Bernie and Karen in Souris, PEI.  They have a cottage there and I know she had an amazing time.  I wish I could have been there with them but, I decided to stay home to work this time around.  Whatever I end up doing next year,  I want to make the trip to the island.  Work is work but, it is important to be able to make good memories with family and friends as well.

I had a pretty good two weeks by myself.  Of course I had Ollie to keep me company but, it felt as if part of me was missing.  Jodi is a huge part of who I am as a person and I really missed her.  There are so many things I would not have at this point in my life without Jodi.  She has helped push me to become a better person and to continue to fight through the struggles I face at times.  I was proud of myself for getting through the two weeks and maintaining mental stability for the most part.  I had the downzies on the one Sunday and had a difficult time getting through that day.  I was not quite to the point of suicidal thoughts but, I was very low.  There was definitely some negative self talk and my mind was racing quite a bit.  I made it through though and had an awesome day on the holiday Monday.  I think part of it was simply being lonely.  Nobody was around that weekend and I let my mood slip without really reaching out to anyone.

I had a really good day today.  I was feeling a little off last night and asked Jodi if she thought I would have a good day today.  She responded by asking me a question. Do you want to have a good day? I said yes and that seemed to do the trick.  It is amazing how such a simple question could have such a big impact on my day.

Jodi's birthday is on Wednesday and I have a great idea for a gift.  Just need to find time to get where I need to go for it.  Looking forward to celebrating together.

Pruning season is almost done which I am thankful for.  Do not get me wrong as I love pruning.  It just has been hard on my left bicep which I tore in the winter.  It has never been the same since and holding a motorized pruner a lot definitely impacts it.  I am looking forward to cutting some grass again at some point.  I love cutting grass and that also usually means I get to hang out with Jesse.  Have missed working with him.

It is hard to believe that September is almost upon us.  Almost time for the NFL to return which is very exciting.  Have to brush up on my fantasy skills as I had a tough year last season.

Anyway, off to bed.  Gotta keep that routine going.  Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson