The Power of a Stamp

 For as long as I can remember,  I have always been captivated by the power of a stamp.  I do not remember everything from my childhood but,  I do vividly remember learning in class how to address a letter.  It fascinated me at a young age and I began over time to start my journey with writing letters and cards.  I know there may come a time in our existence that there will no long be door to door delivery of mail.  But until then,  I will continue to write letters and cards as I feel they carry a lot of weight in terms of expressing thoughts and emotions to another person.  

The world we live in today is chaotic to say the least.  And technology has taken over so much of our ability to communicate with others in meaningful ways.  Younger generations have grown up in a world where the only way they know how to communicate is digitally through a phone, computer, gaming console or other technology.  Learning how to problem solve and communicate in real time in person is essential for so many employment opportunities.  Yes,  I understand that technology plays an important role in many aspects of day to day life.  But I feel like we have to take a step back sometimes and practice interactions with those in our lives like our parents and grandparents did.  

So I challenge you to buy a stamp and post a letter or card to someone that means something to you.  You may find that the exercise of writing it is cathartic on its own and I know the person that receives it will truly appreciate whatever sentiment you sent in the mail.  

 No amount of regret changes the past

No amount of anxiety changes the future

Any amount of gratitude changes the present

Ann Voskamp

50

 Hello and happy day to you.

Also a happy new year to everyone.  All the best in your next year of life.

I turn 50 next Tuesday.  This is a big birthday for a lot of people but, it is especially significant to me and my journey living with Bi Polar 2 disorder.  As you may know from reading some of these posts, I have struggled with suicidal ideation for the majority of my adult life.  If you had asked me 30 years a go if I would be celebrating 50 next week, my truthful answer would have been no.  I do not take where I am now for granted.  I realize a lot of people have been there for me along the way and I eternally grateful to everyone that has been part of my 50 years on this earth.  The main reason I am where I am at mentally now and with my addictions is my wife Jodi.  She has embodied the vow , in sickness and in health, and I certainly not be at the place I am in if she had not made the choice to stay with me.  I was sick for a very long time and her love, friendship, laughter and support helped me push through some very dark times.

I often cycle my life through my mind.  And as I am on the verge of this milestone, I have done it more than usual.  I have been pushing myself to reach for positive experiences in my life as I lived in gult and shame for so long.  If I could change the past,  I would take back so many choices in a heart beat.  But that is not how life works.  I am working on self acceptance and part of the reason I am so open about my experiences is that I want to somehow reach others who may be struggling.  The fact that I have reached this point is proof that it is possible to push through the darkness and find a way to fight each day to reach the light.  

I am going to make a better attempt to write more this year.  It soothes my soul when I write and if I can help a few people along the way, then I feel it important to continue to share along the way.

Take care

Shawn

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

Steve Maraboli

16 Years

It has been a very long time since I have written.  I have missed it.  In another life,  I would perhaps have followed my aspirations to become a professional writer.  That being said, I feel like sharing my story of mental illness and addiction is an important one and I will do my best to make this blog more of a priority moving forward..

I have finished another landscaping season.  I joined on with my current company two years a go and it has made a world of difference for me.  It has been a really good fit for Jodi and I and I hope to continue with them as long as they will have me.  It was one of my best seasons.  A big part of the success this year has a lot to do with where I am at as a person.  I have never had such mental stability in my life up until these last few years.  I finally have a sense of peace and tranquility within.  I still have a long ways to go in becoming the person I want to be but, I am very pleased with where I am at right now.  

I celebrated 16 years sober on November 2nd.  Sobriety has enabled me practice intentional thinking with a clear mind.  I appreciate my sobriety even more now that I am no longer gambling. I think in the past I would use my sobriety to mask my gambling addiction and made justifications for gambling in my illogical mind based on being sober.  I would never tell someone how to live their lives as that would be hypocritical in many ways.  I just know that sobriety has changed me from within and has helped lessen the shame and guilt of the past I carried for so many years.

As winter approaches,  it is often a good time to look ahead and planning your own landscape for the following season.  Tree work can be done all winter really and may be something to consider in the next few months.  I find from my experience that residential and commercial properties often have a reactionary approach to trees instead of a preventative one.  There are so many ways to prevent or limit potential damage with a variety of trees.  Pruning, cabling or even removal are often necessary to limit the safety risks of tree damage to property and/or people themselves.  Do some research of your own if you decide to get the help of an arborist this winter.  Read reviews and talk to people who have used them.  There are a lot of great arborist companies out there that can help you make informed decisions about potential risks for the trees on your property.  The last thing I will mention about trees is a big pet peeve of mine.  I firmly believe that the canopy of most trees belongs in the air and not in the ground.  I see so many trees driving around with lower branches 3 or 4 feet off the ground.  Not only would limbing these up make it easier for when you cut the grass,  it makes a huge difference aesthetically when things are opened up.

There is a lot going on the world right now and it can seem overwhelming at times.  In the story I see, kindness and generosity wins.  I have to believe that the goodness within humanity will prevail in the end.

Bye for now. 

Take care

Shawn

 

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all.

― Emily Dickinson

Changing of the Season

 It has felt like a very long winter.  But alas, spring is starting to show itself.  A lot of the snow has started to disappear and there seems to be a refreshing feel to the air the last few days.

I am really looking forward to the upcoming landscaping season.  I started with a new company a year and half a go and it has been such a positive experience for me so far.  I cannot wait to be outside again working with my hands and working in a profession that I truly love.

I plan on writing a few pieces on how you can get yourself ready for spring and some simple ways you can help improve your own garden beds and lawns.  If you are thinking of hiring a company this season to do some maintenance for you or a hardscaping project,  really take your time in choosing someone. Cheaper does not always mean better and often times it can create more costs and issues down the line. Read reviews both good and bad.  Talk to friends and family about who they may have used and what their own experience was like.

I am still doing well overall.  2024 was probably my best year I have had mentally in my adult life and I am hopeful I can continue that momentum in to 2025.  I am still not all the way to where I ultimately want to be but, feel I have taken a lot of positive steps towards that.  The state of our world at present time seems to be in flux and I often have to remind myself that I can only worry about what is in my control and hope that everything else will balance itself out at some point.  What I can control is how I treat others on a daily basis and do my best to spread kindness when I have the opportunity to.

I wanted to recommend a documentary on Netflix.  It is called Buy Now.  It is an excellent piece about how consumerism in all its facets has impacted the world not only environmentally but the impacts it has on individual people around the world.  It really made me think about my choices and I have not placed one online order since I have watched it.  I know that is probably not sustainable forever but, this documentary really challenged my own way of thinking and I highly recommend giving it a watch.  

As spring approaches,  I truly hope the freshness of the air outside and the flowers starting to bloom gives you renewed strength and energy over the next few months.  Life is not easy at times but, I find the changing of seasons an opportunity to hit the reset button and practice embracing each day as it comes.

Wishing you peace and wellness.

Shawn

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.

Orison Swett Marden

Power and Greed

Power and Greed.  These two things have shaped the course of our existence for centuries.

The thirst for power has always been evident if we look back on our history.  Countries wanting to have power over other countries leading to war and devastation.  Kings and Queens wanting to have power and control over their kingdoms and the people that live within them with very little thought or empathy for the common man or woman.  Emperors insistent on spreading their glory throughout the lands simply to show they can, demonstrating their power over others, not considering the destruction they leave in their paths.  Presidents and Prime Ministers wielding power over the people that they serve, concerned mostly with their own agendas.  Politicians vying for power within the political landscape amongst themselves and other parties, very rarely considering working together to create action and policies that would be beneficial to all people, not just the few.  CEO's craving the strength and reverence of their positions and caring little about the people that work so hard to every day to make their company what it is.  

Greed has always been a part of our world.  Look at the financial disparity globally.  First world nations taking advantage of other nations to make their goods at a cheaper price.  Not considering the human beings that break their backs with blood, sweat and tears all to make sure the bottom line is good and that stocks rise.  The notion that more is better.  The 1 per cent indulging in the pursuit of material things.  Bigger houses, nicer cars, more fur coats, more vacation homes.  Always wanting to squeeze as much as they can from those that serve them and the people that were trodden over to build their empires.  I can remember growing up watching the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.  Show such as that engrained in our nature to falsely believe that the key to happiness in life was to own more, to buy more and that dollars and cents should be the only barometer to the success of a person..

Power and Greed have driven our world for so long.  It is not until we can truly take a look at their impacts on us and own the fact of how much they control our daily lives.  There must be a shift in to our thinking as a humanity to make it more about how each person on earth can make a better life for themselves and their families and not just a sliver of our population.  Leading a country, a constituency or a company should be a privilege, not a right to belittle and ignore the plight of the average person.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a better life and to strive for prosperity.  I am not saying we should not strive for this in our lives.  But we cannot lose site along the way of what really matters in life and how our own actions directly and indirectly affect our fellow man.  When I look at the amount of money some of the richest men and women on earth possess,  I no longer look at them with envy.   I have learned through my own journey that there are so much more important and impactful ways to validate our existence.  All I see when I look at that wealth is how much good could be done in the world with it and at what cost to individual lives, health and the environment was that wealth built upon.  

I do not have the answers.  I am just an average person sharing my opinion.  But I think it is important that we all take a look at ourselves and how we can make positive changes in this world and put less importance on power and greed as we move forward.

Take care,  Shawn

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.

Unknown

    

Amends

 It has been quite the winter here.  So much snow.  With a lot of inclement weather, I have driven past many serious accidents in the past few months.  It has driven home the point to me that tomorrow is not promised to us and we need to take advantage of being in the present each day.

With that being said, I felt it important that while I am still alive and well that I write an amends post.  I have lived with bi-polar two disorder and addictions to alcohol and gambling for most of my adult life.

Although it has been a very challenging and long journey for me,  the hardest part has always been the shame and guilt of how my choices, behaviours and actions have affected others.  I can now say that I am very proud of the person I am but, that was not always the case.  I would give anything to take back some of my choices along the way and not being able to do that tormented me for a very long time. 

My mental disorder and addictions are no excuse.  I am still responsible for my choices, actions and behaviours in my life thus far.  I wanted to take this time to reach out to anyone that was ever impacted by me in a negative way and let you know that I am deeply sorry.  I can't expect forgiveness,  just know that I am trying my very best to live my best life now,  set a good example for others and share my story in hopes of helping others not only to makes it easier for those suffering, but also for the people, family and friends that are impacted a long the way.

Take care, Shawn.

We All Bleed Red

 Blood flows through all of us.  It is in every single person on Earth.  We would cease to exist as humans on this planet without it coursing through our veins feeding the precious heart within each of us.

Blood does not discriminate.  Blood is not concerned with race, religion, politics or sexuality.  It only cares about sustaining life.  When we get cut, blood comes out of each us the same colour.  Uniting us as a humanity and showing that all of us really are the same in so many ways.

This is a critical time in our existence.  The world seems to be crumbling around us at times and it can be a daunting feeling.  There is so much that it is out of our control and what does that leave us with.  Kindness, compassion and empathy for our fellow men and women.  These are things that do not cost a thing and can go a long way in healing wounds that have been amongst us for a very long time.

So the next time you judge, hate or discriminate against someone simply based on what they believe or what they look like,  really take a look at yourself and how you could impact change.

And remember one vital thing for all us,  

WE ALL BLEED RED

Keep Moving

 Happy New Year's Eve.  Hope this finds you well.

As we turn the page on another year,  I wanted to write one more post that me be helpful in some way.

I would like to share a story about my first day of the season this past year in early April.  This was the first full season of my return the landscaping industry.  I have osteoarthritis in both of my hips and have had a crippling issue at times with my SI joint on my right side.  Last winter I made some progress with my physical issues but, I was still very limited with movement, especially on my right side.

My first day back in the spring was full of anticipation and it felt wonderful to be back working outside where I belong.  The day started off well but as the morning progressed the SI joint on my right side was in immense pain and the pain shot down the back of my leg.  I could barely walk and was gritting my teeth with each step.  Inside my mind I was thinking I was not going to make it through the first day let alone the grind of an 8 month season.

It was at that point that the healthy part of my brain kicked in.  I just told myself to keep moving.  One step at a time.  It will eventually get better.  The pain will subside.  A lot of people deal with pain.  Just keep moving Shawn.  Not only did I get through that day but, I ended up having one of my best seasons ever and only missed one day of work due to an issue with my SI and back.

To be completely honest, the last week has been a battle mentally for me.  I often find this time of year the most difficult time of year.  My Cbristmas Day was plagued with suicidal ideation and for the following few days.  I was in and out of depression.  My mood was erratic.  My mind was very racy.  And the joy I have rediscovered over the past year was gone.

As with the story about physical pain,  I just had to keep moving.  Keep pushing through it.  Getting by minute by minute.  Hour by hour.  Knowing at some point I would get through it as I have proved to myself that I could.  That the darkness would subside and I would be able to see the light of life shining through once more.  

I did not share that to make anyone worry or to feel sorry for me.  It is something I live with and I will always have to manage it at varying points for the rest of my life.  My point is that sometimes in life , we simply have to keep moving as hard as it may be.  Everyone on earth deals with struggle of some sort. Keep belief in yourself that you can persevere and that you deserve love, compassion and happiness.  You are worth it and the universe cares about you.  I believe in the power of the human spirit and that we can always overcome.

Keep Moving

I wish you nothing but the best in the new year.  May you find peace, love and new adventures.

Happy New Year

Take care

Shawn

There is some good in this world,

and it's worth fighting for.

J.R.R Tolkien 

15 Years

 Hope this finds you well.  I have not written in a while and I am hoping I can reconnect with my writing again in 2025.

On November 2nd ,  I celebrated 15 years of sobriety.  It was a big milestone for me and I felt a sense of great pride having achieved that.  When I made the conscious choice to address my alcohol addiction, it was the first step in getting to where I am today.  I have still struggled in that time with my gambling addiction but giving up alcohol was a pre curser to the success I have had with my gambling addiction over the last two years.  

I could not remember any time in my life where I had one drink.  I had no shut off switch or ability to drink socially.  I was filled with great shame for a long time in my adult life over some of the choices, actions and behaviours that transpired when I consumed alcohol.  If I could turn back time and had known the complexities of my disorder and my addictive nature, I never would have taken my first sip of alcohol.  But alas time does not go in reverse.  I can only learn lessons from my past and do as much as I can to spread awareness, knowledge and decreasing stigmas surrounding mental health and addiction.  

If you are looking for things to watch during this holiday season, Stephen Fry has an excellent two part documentary out there called the Secret Life of a Manic Depressive.  It is a wonderful documentary and gives really good insight in to bi polar disorder and the impact it can have on someone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtImgnj5DN0

Another great documentary is currently on Apple Tv with Selena Gomez called My Mind and Me. It was very brave and courageous of her to disclose her diagnosis and share some of her story being that she lives much of her life in the public spotlight.  I really respected her vulnerability in sharing and recommend giving it a watch.  

During the holidays, many people are often looking for charities to donate to.  If I could suggest one that does some amazing work.  Portage in Elora , On works with youth struggling with addiction.  I find their work to be so important as the earlier we can reach individuals struggling with addiction and/or mental health, the better chance they will have of finding balance in their lives and reaching their potential.

https://portage.ca/en/ontario/

I share my story because I want to impact others in some way as my way of gratitude for all the people that supported me along the way to get where I am in this moment.  It seems at times like our world is collapsing around us. Many things are out of our control but, we can always impact the lives of others by showing kindness and empathy to our fellow men and women.

Have a wonderful new year.  I hope 2025 is a year of hope, strength and new beginnings for you.

Take care.

Shawn 

Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people.

Dennis Prager

Spring Renews Strength

Good morning.  I have not kept up with my blog for the last few years and my intention is to rectify that in the upcoming months.

A quick update on myself.  I was working as a courier for almost three years but, made the decision last fall to come back to the landscaping industry.  Working in the shipping industry was simply not for me.  I put everything I had in to it but, felt no sense of reward or value in what I was doing.  I caught on with an amazing landscaping company last fall and have continued with them this spring.  I am probably doing the best mentally at this point in my entire adult life.  My addictions are in check and my general mood overall has been quite balanced.  I still have a ways to go to be where I want to be but,  I am pleased with the current trajectory I am on.

I wanted to share some of my personal landscaping tips for this time of year.  Although I have written a lot about my struggles with bi polar 2,  it does not define me as a person and I believe I have value in sharing other aspects of my journey.

Spring is here.  It signifies a fresh start in a way and renewed strength for those who may have had a difficult winter.  Flowers blooming and grass shooting up gives us insight in to the ebs and flows of mother nature.  Spring brings hope amidst a challenging time of our existence as a society.  

As many of us cannot afford landscaping services,  I wanted to share a few ideas of mine for the upcoming growing season.

First I wanted to start with lawns.  I have worked endlessly on my front lawn over the years and my efforts have been rewarded.  I have already fertilized and it is thick and lush already at this point of the year.

What I would suggest for getting started would be to give your lawn and good hard raking to remove thatch and debris from the winter.  Some lawns would have some gravel on it from winter damage.  In that case you would need a hard rake to get that out.  Aerating your lawn at this time of year is not a bad idea as well.  You can also do aerating in early fall.  It is very beneficial for lawns and you can usually find it at a reasonable price in the paper or by researching some local landscaping companies.  Compacting your lawn with a roller is also a good idea for lawn health.  

This time of year is a great time to fertilize your lawn.  A fertilize high in nitrogen at this team of year is ideal.  I am not in the habit of promoting companies that often but,  Nutrite fertilizer is still the best fertilize on the market in my opinion.  I use their 20-5-15 and it has had spectacular results.  I put it on 3 or 4 times a year.  You want to fertilize right before getting a good amount of rain if possible. So it can get in to the soil and do its job effectively.  Do NOT fertilize during a dry spell in the summer.  It will burn off your grass and have negative impacts on the health of your lawn.  Unless you have an irrigation system,  I would not recommend fertilizing in the hotter months of July and August.  

When I fertilize, I often throw some overseed mix on my lawn.  You can find overseed mix at most nurseries or landscape supply businesses.  I have found over the years that the key to limiting weeds in your lawn is in fact that strength of your lawn.  The thicker your lawn and the more seed that can be established will limit the ability of weed species to take over your lawn.  Yes you can have someone spray your lawns for weeds or spay it yourself but, that will not really solve the long term health of your lawn.  I have worked on a lot of properties that have had their lawn sprayed by a company and the results are very limited.  Spraying a lawn that is overtaken by weeds may kill the weeds but if there is no root structure for good grass then it will defeat the purpose.  If a lawn is at a point where a large portion of the lawn is overtaken by weeds , then taking out that section of lawn and starting fresh with soil and seed or sod may be the way to go. 

With the rain and warmer temperatures, the grass around here has shot up and if you have not started cutting yet, you probably should.  There are a variety of push mowers on the market and you should take your time in choosing one.  Buying the cheapest one may not be the right play for the long term. Read reviews online about mowers and choose the best fit for you.  A self propelled mower is a good option if you do not want to have to work as hard cutting your lawn.  A push mower with a mulching attachment is also a good option as it limits the need to bag.  If you have a larger property, you may be in the market for a ride on mower.  Lawn tractors are often used for larger residential lawns but, I bellieve a zero turn mower is the best option.  They give you more manoeuvrability and provide a nicer cut.  I have ridden a lot of zero turns in my 12 years of landscaping and John Deere is still the best one I have used by far.  It certainly has the best traction and also has a mulch kit option which is great for the fall.  You would be amazed at how well it churns up leaves.  There are a lot of good options out there and at varying price points.  Again, do your research and find the best ride on for your property and budget.  

When cutting your grass,  try your best to vary your lines.  It is better for your grasss to roate the direction you cut each week.  If you cut the exact same way each week, it can often creatge ruts in your grass.  Also in my opinion, I find it quite boring when I seee lawns cut the exact same way each week.  If your rotate the direction you cut each week,  you can create a type of diamond look to your lawn.

That is it for my tips for today.  I will write some more ideas for the season later this week.  Hope all you are keeping welll and wishing you good mental health.  

Take care

Shawn

 

Man"s Best Friend

On January 25th, 2021 , Jodi and I lost our boy Ollie.

He was almost 11 years old.  

I started writing this almost three years a go.  I could not bring myself to write for the longest time.  I have not written since Ollie passed a way.  I have really missed writing but, losing Ollie was devastating for me.  I was lost for a long time and am finally in a good place to start writing again.

Ollie was everything to me.  He loved my unconditionally.  Regardless of how I was feeling mentally,  he was always there.  Despite struggling with my gambling addiction, he was always there.  He knew more about me than anyone.  I could confide in him and never feel judged or alone.  

We lost him during covid so we were unable to be there in the room with him when he was put too sleep.  Saying goodbye to him was brutal and that day was one of the hardest days in my life.  I lost a part of me that day.  I still think of him daily and will never forget him.  He was my best friend, companion and he gave me the strength to push through darkness when it came.

Ollie,  I could never replace you.  You were one of a kind and will always be missed.  I hope you know how much I loved you.  You helped shape me in to who I am now.  I want to make you proud and know that your love for me will always carry me for the rest of my life.  

I know you are at peace.  Rest easy Ollie.  Pops will be ok.  

Love you forever

 

The Angst Part 1

I have been reflecting a lot lately.  About my journey.  Where I have come from? Where I am? Where do I want to be?  I have thought about my purpose.  Have I done enough to do my part for mental illness?  Have I shared enough of my story to help others?

Discussion about mental illness is certainly a bit more open than it used to be but, it still has a long way to go.  We still as a society do not treat it the same as we would cancer or other physical ailments.  We hear terms like bi polar or schizophrenia and for most of us they are just terms.  There is no real understanding of what those terms really mean or what it is like internally to live with them.

I would like to do my part tonight in terms of sharing some of what has gone on in my brain.  To give at least some impression of the inner workings of someone that lives with a mental illness. 

Before I continue writing, I would just like to say that I am doing well and there is nothing to worry about.  I want to share some things, not to instill a sense of worry but, rather to help others get a concept of the internal workings of someone who lives with bi polar type two.

I was thinking today about the amount of times suicide has permeated my thoughts.  I thought of this scene in The Lord of The Rings.  The Orcs marching on Minas Tirith.  I thought of the drums.  The constant beating.  I thought of the chills it gave me as I watched the movie.

That feeling.  That constant drumming.  That chanting.  That persistence.

That scene reminds me vividly of some of my darkest moments in life.  The agonizing beat of suicidal thoughts constantly feeding my whole beating.  You are not good enough Shawn.  You are not good enough Shawn.You are not good enough Shawn.  Just do it.  Just do it.  Just do it.  The pain will be over.  The pain will be over.  The world will be better off without you.  The world will be better off without you.  Just fucking do it.  Just fucking do it.  It wont get better.  It won't get better.  These series of thoughts rapidly cycling over and over again. Days, Weeks and even sometimes Months.  

I used to sing Beck's Loser to myself.  Over and over again.  I'm a loser baby, so why don't you Kill Me!!!

Like a suicidal anthem stuck on repeat.  Singing it over and over again to myself.

So many times driving in my car wanting to drive it off the edge.  An internal battle within myself.  One side pushing me to crank that wheel over, the other trying to fight through yet another battle.

Picturing my bridge.  Thinking how easy it would be.  The bridge calling to me over and over.  Come to me.  It will all be over soon.  Come on Shawn.  Just fucking do it!!!

Again,  I am not sharing this to worry anyone.  I am fine.  I just want to paint a picture of this one particular aspect of my journey.

The amazing news is that I am here to write about it.  I fought through and it there is light at the end of the tunnel.  That is part of why I shared such a personal aspect of my life tonight.  The fact that I found a way through can give others hope.  Life is worth it and it can get better.  I am proof of that.  I always told myself that I just had to get through the day, through the hour or even through the minute.  I tried to hold on to anything to get me through.

So keep fighting.  You are worth it. Life is worth it!!! There are people that love and care about you.  You are not alone.  I care about you.  Step by step.  Day by day.

I will write Part 2 of The Angst in the next few days.  I truly believe it is important to give a better understanding of what it is actually like to live with it.  Through knowledge, there is understanding.

Have a wonderful week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Determined

It has been some time since I have written.  So much has happened in our world since my last post.
I thought about writing at various times through the pandemic but, could never bring myself to.

I am alive and I am well.  I am still sober and am still bet free.  My mind is stronger than it has ever been.  Yes I still have tough days or tough moments but,  my mental fortitude now enables me to work through things in a healthy way.  I rarely have bouts of depression anymore and my mind does not race nearly as much as it used to.  If you are reading this and have struggled or are struggling,  just know that I am living proof that things can and will get better.  It is not an easy task but, the peace I have found within myself is so worth it.  Keep going.  Keep pushing.  You are worth it and you deserve it.

I would like to send out a special thank you to Cees Braamse.  I was so happy I finally got a chance to have coffee with him last weekend.  I am very grateful for his friendship.  Cees and his wife Nan gave me my first opportunity in landscaping.  Unfortunately we lost Nan but,  she helped me so much through some difficult times and I will be forever grateful to her.  I feel very fortunate I got a chance to say goodbye to her.  They showed great patience with me and my illness.  They gave me an opportunity to develop my skill set and work with my hands.  Cees passed on so much of his knowledge to me,  especially with pruning and tree work.  As I have mentioned many times before,  pruning probably saved me on so many different occasions.  Even as suicidal thoughts used to run rampant through my mind,  pruning allowed me to get lost in the moment.  Just me and the plant or shrub.  In that practice, I found peace.  I have so much respect for him and all that he has given back to the landscape indrustry.  I still to this day have not met anyone that knows as much about the industry on such a wide scale.  Cees,  I am so thankful for you in my life and hope our friendship continues to grow.

I no longer live in shame and guilt.  Yes I still look back and wish I could take back so many things but,  I have learned how to forgive myself and love myself again.  I cannot change choices I made but,  I can control the life I choose to live now and do my best to be the best version of myself each day and try to help others as best I can along the way.

I do not take any day for granted.  Life is a gift and I am thankful for each day I have as I know the darkness that used to envelop me.  I used to think that my life was meant to be a constant struggle,  never moving forward.  Stuck in self pity and self hatred.  That is no longer the case.  I look forward to what comes next.  I accept the illness and addictions I live with.  I resent no one and do not blame anyone for the journey I have taken to get to this place in my life.  I am determined to see my life through till the end,  on my own terms.

I truly hope this finds you well.  There is so much uncertainty around us.  I know the world around us seems pretty hopeless at times.  Keep looking for the small victories in life and focus on what you can control.  I believe in you.

Take care,  Shawn.


“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
― Leo Tolstoy

One Year Baby!!!!

I did it!  I have gone a year without placing a single bet.  Damn does it feel good.

If you had told me a year a go that I would not gamble on anything for a whole year,  I simply would not have believed you.  But step by step and day by day, I have managed to get to this point.  It took a lot of discipline and hard work but, it was all worth it.  The sense of freedom I now have and the brighter outlook of my future is worth so much more than any dollar amount I ever won or lost gambling.

I got to chair my GA meeting tonight.  I walked in to that room with a huge smile on my face and it remained there for quite a while.  Everyone was so proud of me and happy to celebrate that achievement.  And they should celebrate it with me.  It was a group effort.  When I walked in to that room last year, I was broken with no hope of putting back the pieces.  By continuing to be part of that group and sharing in the stories and struggles of others, I was slowly able to put the pieces back together.  There is tremendous power is sharing with others.  I got so much from listening to others and I am sure they got things from listening to me.  Whether they had 20 years of abstinence or one week,  it all helped me get to this point.  I would like to send out a special thank you to Wayne J for being there every week and inspiring me to push through.

This past year was not just about conquering my addiction to gambling.  It was a massive overhaul of my brain.  I realised that I had to make a life changing shift in the way I thought if I wanted to avoid continuing to spin my tires and running on the same hamster wheel if I wanted to have any hope of living a fulfilling life.  It certainly was not easy.  But I know now that I had to go through what I did last winter in order to get to the point I am at.  I am finally after all of these years, at peace with myself.  I certainly have many regrets and I would change a lot of things if I had the power to go back in time.  But I do not.  I was always stuck as I could never forgive myself or let go.  I could never love myself or feel I deserved love.  I lived constantly in guilt and shame and my mind reminded me diligently of the ways I fucked up my life.  That was one of the biggest shifts this year.  I learned how to forgive myself and to love myself.  I now try each day to be the best version of myself.  I am proud of who I am now.  I always knew this person was in me.  I had let my mental illness and my addictions control my state of being for over 25 years.  I had affected so many people along the way with my words, choices and behaviours . I used to post this blog as Roller Coaster.  I originally wrote under this name as I often thought as Bi Polar Disorder as being a roller coaster.  The extreme highs and the extreme lows. Up, Down, corners, slow turns, fast turns and bumps along the way.  And others being taken on the ride without even knowing it and then unsure how to get off the Canadian Mindbuster that was my brain and life at times.  This year that fucking ended.  I took control of my thoughts, my emotions, my choices and behaviours.  No more would I let my illness or my addictions dictate who I was as a person.  Yes they are a part of me and I embrace that but,  there is so much more to me now.  I am a better husband, son, brother and friend.  People can be proud to know me and the example I am living now.  I am determined to stay this course.  I do not want the pain, suffering and angst that my illness and addictions have thrown on me and those around me to go in vain.  I want to make a difference. I want to share with others.  I want to help others. My journey will have a silver lining play book.

I know there are people out there struggling right now.  Whether it be with addiction, mental illness or something else.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  I have been there.  There is help.  You can do it and you are worth it.  Someone out there cares for you.  I care for you. The light will show itself at some point amidst the darkness.  Keep fighting.

Take care and hope you have a beautiful week. 

Shawn

The Army Behind You

I am up way too early today.  I did not have a restful sleep.  I do not feel too tired yet but, I am sure I will feel it later today.  I need to keep on top of my sleep and be conscience of the things I need to do on a daily basis to ensure I am getting the rest I need.

I have never felt this good in my adult life.  I always thought my identitiy would be attached to my mental illness and my addictions.  Both from an internal stand point and an external stand point.  Viewing myself as having bi polar and 2 addictions and others identifying me the same way.  That has drastically shifted this year.  I have worked hard not to detach myself from my illness and addictions but, rather to embrace them and fto ind deep personal meaning despite of them.

A dear family friend once told me that you cannot defeat the army ahead of you, if you have not defeated the one behind you.  I could never quite put that concept in to practice.  This year however, I have learned exactly what that saying means.  My whole life prior to the last 10 months was a perpetual cycle of shame and guilt.  Punishing myself on a daily basis, drilling in to my psyche that I was a loser, that I would just fuck up again, that I was not worthy of love or happiness.  That my life would constantly be filled with struggle and pain.  The shift that has helped me the most this year is the ability to let go and to forgive myself.  As I have written before,  the hardest part for me as it pertains to living with Bi Polar Type 2, an addiction to alcohol and a gambling addiction this long is not my own struggle.  I can accept who I am and what I have lived through.  I do not blame anyone for the years of angst within my mind.  The part I struggled with the most is the impact I have had on others.  Mental illness and addictions have a long reach.  There are so many people along the way that have been impacted by the imbalance in my mind.  That is the part I have struggled with for what seems like an eternity.

What I have worked hard on this year is being able to let go and forgive myself.  Unfortunately I cannot change the past but, I could never move forward until I came to some sort of peace with it and I have done that.  I live each day now trying to be a better version of myself.  Impacting positve change in others and using my experiences to attempt to help and model to those who may be struggling with similar things.  I can look myself in the mirror now and be proud of the person I am.

I have thought of death a lot in my life.  As you may know,  suicidal thoughts have been a big part of my struggle over the years.  I sometimes think to myself as I am driving about how many times I thought of driving my car off of the road.  Or the days that every minute of every day was consumed my thoughts of ending my life,  as I could not see any light in the darkness that used to consume me.

I do not take any day on earth for granted.  I realize how prescious life is and that it is a gift.  I am so thankful that somehow I fought through those times to be here writing this today.  I tell Jodi all the time that I believe part of the reason I have made it through,  is that I have a greater purpose.  To share my story in hopes that I can help somone else fight through their own struggle.  You may not think I undertand what you are going through but, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I do.  I know the chaos that can be so prevalent in the mind at times.  I know that it can feel as though there is no way out, that struggle is your desiny.  That it will never get better and that I am the only one feeling this way.  If anyone reading this is struggling, I can tell you that although things may seem bleak,  there is a way out.  You are worth it.  You deserve life.  Somone out there cares for you.  It may take a while and it takes some work but, if you trust in the goodness of life, there will come a time when you will be so thankful you fought through your pain and came out the other side.  I know it to be true.

I can look in the mirror now and be proud of who I see.  I could not always do that.  I am so very thankful that I have finally come to that point.  I want to continue to work hard every day to maitain this way of living.  It takes a lot of discipline but, man is it worth it.  The high I get from life now is greater than anything I could get from gambling, alcohol or a drug.  And I truly mean that.  Yes there are days when I still get caught up in negative thought cycles or go through mini bouts of depression but,  I have the tools and confidence now to manage those.  Hard work does pay off.

I do hope this finds you well.  I enjoy writing so much.  And I feel as though I have some small impact on others by sharing like this.  That is part of why I write this blog.

I imagine I will write one more time before Christmas.  If I do not, I wish you all a happy holidays.  Regardless of what you believe in or where you come from, I think this time of year is a time to embrace the goodess of others and and to do our very best to spread kindness to our fellow men and women.

Take care ,  Shawn.


“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein

Sleep Deprived

Sleep is so important to mental wellness and health in general.  I have been feeling the best I have ever have in my adult life but,  today reminded me that I will always live with bi polar type 2 and remain dedicated on a daily basis to stick to rountines which includes a good nights sleep.

I have not slept much the last few days and it caught up to me today.  My mind raced and cycled rapidly.  Thoughts, feelings, my life, pictures, images, good things, bad things running through my mind at light speed.  The first time this ever happened to me in my journey with bi polar, it was fucking scary.  Not knowing why my thoughts couldn't stop or slow down.  I can recognize it now and identify symptoms as to what the racing evolved from.  The simple fact was that I did not take proper steps to maintain a routine at night and my sleep suffered.  When I do not get proper rest, my mind , although healthier than ever, is not as tuned in to managing thoughts and mood.

Although today was a struggle at times,  I am very thankful that the racing or rapid cycling does not happen as much anymore.  And I am also thankful that the cycling rarely involves suicidal thoughts anymore.  I still have the passing one but, not the every day fixed ones that I used to struggle with.
It shows that the work I have put in this year is paying off and I need to continue to face each day with a positive attitude and work through my day in small steps.

This year has proven to me that change is possible.  If you could have lived inside my mind for the last 25 years and then see inside my mind now, you would be amazed.  It has been a life changing year and I do not take any day for granted.

I want to help others.  I want to show that there is hope.  I want to tell them that they are not alone.
I want to explain that I understand their pain.  I want to shout out to them that the light will eventually shine through, even in the darkest of times. There is hope and life is worth fighting for.

Step by step.  Day by day.  You matter in this world.

Take care,


Shawn

10 Years

On November 2nd, I celebrated ten years of sobriety.  I was so proud of myself for reaching that milestone.  I know without question that if I had not made that change,  there is no way I would be anywhere close to where I am now.  I have access to clarity in my mind that I never had when I was continuing to abuse alcohol.  Living with a mental disorder is challenging enough without adding a substance to the mix.  There is also the fact that the medication I take on a daily basis would not have the same postiive affect if I was still consuming alcohol.

I cannot remember a time when I was drinking that I only had one drink.  I never knew when to stop.  There was no off switch.  I made a lot of poor choices when I drank and was not always a person I could be proud of.  I often impacted those around me in a negative way.  If I could turn back the clock I would take back a lot of behaviours.  I used to carry guilt and shame with me on a daily basis and a lot of that related to my days of alcohol abuse.  Unfortunately I cannot change the past.  I have learned to forgive myself and have made amends whenever possible.  If I could apologize to everyone that was affected by my drinking in person, I would.

I can now say that I am very proud of the person I am today.  I can never take back some choices but,  I think I have proved through action that I am a completely different person and that change is possible.  I used to beat myself up on a constant basis but,  that did not serve anyone well.  Shifting a mind set and changing patterns was the only way I could impact not only my own life in a postive way but,  for those close to me. 

I have lived with Bi Polar Type 2 for over 25 years and I have also dealt with an addiction to alcohol and gambling.  These have been immense challeges to overcome for myself and I have been in some pretty dark places.  Having said that,  it does not excuse choices and behaviours over the years.  I am still responsible for mistakes I have made and can only strive each day to be a better version of myself and work hard at sharing my story in order to help others along the way.

One day at a time.  Step by step.  Minute by minute.

Take care,  Shawn. 

Football Season

I wrote about what depression feels like in me the other day.  I had 2 days in a row a week and a half a go where I felt like that.  The pain, the numbness and emptiness.  What I was thankful for during those two days was that I did not really have any suicidal thoughts.  I used to have days like that every day and the suicidal thoughts would be there constantly with me.  That is why when I tell people that I am very fortunate to be here and do not take my life foregranted,  I literally and truly mean it.  I want to write more blogs like that in the winter.  What the depresssion, the raciing thoughts, the mood swings, the mania and other aspects of my mental illness actually feels like.

I the issues when discussing mental health, is the simple fact that many people do not understand it or cannot relate to it.  I love Bell Let's Talk day and what it represents.  But there has always been big pieces missing in their broadcasts.  They talk of depression and anxiety.  But there are so many different levels to mental health.  What does a manic episode look like? What are signs and symtpoms? What does it feel like to be schizophrenic? Why do people feel like dying? What is the diffference between bi polar 1 and bi polar 2? What are some helpful hints as far as help not only living with a mental illness but also for those surrounding them?  I could go on and on and this is just based on my own experience the last 25 years.  My point being is that we really need to look at what is going on the inside to a certain degreee.  So that more people can have a better understanding and will be able to relate more and more importantly may learn how to listen a little better and perhaps help their loved one even just a little bit better.  I am going to try to share more of what things are like inside my brain during severe depression, during hypo mania, during suicidal obsessions, during hypo mania and so forth.  I will start writing more of these in November when I am done work.

Today is the first day of the NFL and I did not watch one down.  My bet free date is still January 27th of this year and damn was I proud of myself today.  I love football as a sport and always have but, the real reason I loved football if I am being honest with myself was because of betting.  This is the first opening weekend that I have not placed a bet in over ten years.  Football would consume 16 Sundays, 16 Sunday nights, 16 Thursday nights and 16 Monday nights all primarily because I wanted to watch because I had wagered on the games.  As I write this, it is such an amazing feeling to be free of that. 

I am determined to get to my year and keep it rolling after that.  Abstinence from gambling almost has become a competition for myself.  The longer I do not gamble, the more I want to keep that streak going.  I refuse to relapse and can never let it be an option for me.  Gambling does not have the hold on me it once did and it can fuck off if it thinks it will ever creep back in.

Truly hope this finds you well.

Take care,  Shawn.

It is a great day to have a great day!!!

Leslie Anne

The Waves

The Waves

Depression sweeps over you

Small waves at first making their way to shore

The Waves get bigger

Covering your body, the depression soaking in

Then the ten footers start 

Crashing over you as you lay helpless on the beach

Consuming you, every inch of your mind, body and soul

You fight off one monstrous wave 

And then another one drives you in to the ground

Not letting you up for air

You feel numb

The only feeling you have is emptiness

You hate feeling this way

You desperately want the ocean to be calm

Please oh please let it be calm 

It does settle eventually

But the waves can last days, weeks or even months

You grasp on to anything to stay afloat

Need some hope, need some hope 

A wise woman once told me even after the greatest of storms

The sun will rise again

That is all I can do

Fight each day to see that crimson light rise over the horizon

And fuck is it worth it

An Astonishing Shift

Well it has been quite some time since I have written.  Jodi has been busy finishing her last kindergarten report cards so I have not used the computer much over the last few months.  I have really missed writing and look forward to doing more of it in the near future.


Since I last wrote,  I have celebrated 4 months abstinence from gambling.  No lottery tickets, no bingo , no poker, no sports betting ...  Absolutely nothing and it feels amazing.

I nearly lost my life in January.  The past four or five months have been very difficult for me and for those closest to me.  But the results of my work have been astounding.  My whole life,  I saw my identity as being somone who lived with bi polar and having addictions.  I could not see outside of that.  I could not find space to dream, to have goals or to allow myself to be loved.  My mind was stuck in a perpetual hamster wheel and there did not seem as though there was any way off of it.
I have had many relapses before and I cannot pinpoint exactly why the experience in Janurary triggered a tsunami of change with my entire mind set.  Perhaps it truly was my rock bottom.  I was tired of my life being attached to bi polar , to an addiction to alchol and to being a compulsive gambler.  I knew something drastic had to happen in the way I approached life or I would end up losing everyone important to me and ultimately my life.

The timing of getting in to the Adapt Program and reconnecting with my counselor at Homewood Health could not have worked out better.  I am very fortunate and thankful to get the help I did in short succession.  And the folks at Here 24/7 were amazing at following up with me.  Not to metnion the amount of people, friends and family, that reached out to me and made me feel like I was not alone.  They helped me believe enough that my life was worth fighting for and that I did have the capacity within myself for this type of change.  Never underestimate the power of a phone call or a message.  It may seem inconsequential at the time but, sometimes somone just needs to know you are thinking of them.

Now my mind is in a place I have never really experienced before.  This is the healthiest my mind has been in over 25 years and I do not take this new lease on life for granted.  It is something of a miracle and I am very proud of myself for the work I have done.  I still have a lot of work to do and I will have to continue to work everyday for my lifetime to maitain stability and a better balance in my life.  I now have hopes, dreams and goals I want to work towards.  My marriage is better, my relationships are better and my work is better.  Gambling had a vice grip on my daily life.  It had put such a huge weight on my shoulders,  living two lives and keeping things from those closest to me.  Now I can tell it to fuck off.  I have seen how much control it had over me.  I see that now because the joy I get out of each day was never there before.  Gambling never allowed me to feel any joy.  It won't control me again.  Relapse is not an option for me anymore.  I see this as my last shot and I refuse to fuck it up.

A big part of finidng a much healthier mind was learning how to love myself.   I have never really been able to do that.  Most of my adult life I was entwined in a cycle of guilt and shame.  Never feeling worthy of anything.  Big part of why suicdial thoughts were so rampant a lot of the time.  I have found the ability to forgive myself.  I constantly lived in the past.  I certainly have made a lot of choices in my life that I am not proud of and wish I could take back.  Decisions I have made have impacted others and that is my biggest regret.  I could never let myselft get past that.  I never had any intentions of hurting anyone with my behaviours, words and actions.  Through talking and reflecting, I have finally allowed myslef to let go.  I can never change the past,  I can only learn from it and work hard to be a much better version of myself.  I can only hope that the man I have now become and through my actions in the future, I can demostrate to those around me and to those who have known me, that I have changed in to someone they can respect and be proud of.  I want my story to have a positive impact on others and I will continue to work to be an example and advocate for others who may be struggling.

I hope this finds you well . A happy fathers day to everyone.

Take care,  Shawn.



Happy, Happy, Happy!!!!!!