I have found myself caught up in the holiday spirit this year. Not in terms of receiving things but, rather spreading Christmas cheer myself.
As you may know, I have always enjoyed writing. I used to write many letters when I was younger and also remembered how amazing it was to get one in the mail. This year, I spent a few days writing holiday cards and letters to those closest to me. I really wanted to let others know this year that I was thinking of them and that I appreciated their presence in my life. It helped me realize that I was still connected to a lot of people and that I need to keep those connections alive.
The holidays can be a stressful time for many. I have learned that giving of ones self with simple acts of kindness can go a long way this time of year. Showing kindness to someone is free to give but, it goes a lot further than any gift you can buy for someone.
As I have been in the holiday spirit this year, I have been doing some snow blowing and shoveling for others on my street and on my parents streets. The one morning after a pretty good snowfall, I was at my parents clearing their driveway and back patio. I saw that our friends Angie and Rob had not cleared their driveway. I still remember a few years a go, that Rob helped my parents out by doing their driveway. I decided to clear their driveway that morning, not expecting anything in return. I was done and was walking the snowblower back to my parents. I could not hear much but, I guess Angie had come out to talk to me and she ended up following me to my folks place. She came up to me and thanked me so much for doing their driveway and gave me a big hug. That moment was a great example of how a simple act can have an amazing impact on people.
There is much negativity and hate in the world at the moment. It is hard to ignore at times. But for all that negativity and hate, their is far more people that show kindness and generosity in this world. Kindness and generosity does not grab the headlines or the front page of the newspaper. That does not mean it is not out there. At this point in our world, we need to be sharing those stories more. People respecting and loving one another for who they are. For all the evil we face, their is still and always will be, far more good on this planet. We need to stick together and spread kindness, respect and love around. Our story will have a happy ending and we need to work together to achieve that.
So this holiday season, challenge yourself to spread some kindness around.
A very happy holidays to everyone!!!
Take care, Shawn.
One love, one heart. Let's get together and feel alright.
Bob Marley
Kindness is like a boomerang, the more you throw it around, the more it will come back to you.
Unknown
Wednesday, 21 December 2016
Wednesday, 14 December 2016
Empowering
I was planning on writing a bit more lately but, our lap top has been on the fritz. Fortunately I was able to get it working today.
Last week, I had an amazing experience. My friend Lincoln is a high school teacher. He mentioned that his class was doing a unit on mental health and so I offered to speak to them about my experience. He was chatting with his colleague and she asked if I would speak to two of her classes while I was up too.
I decided it was best to go up the night before. Their first class was at 8:00. I stayed with Lincoln and his wonderful wife Meghan. We have not really known each other for that long but, I feel as though I have known them for a really long time. It was so nice to catch up with them and their two boys. Lincoln and I had some amazing chats. It was a little different not having Jodi there. I missed her and Ollie a lot but, I know she supported me with what I was doing.
Now I have never formally talked openly to a group about my story of living with bi polar and two addictions. I had been nervous for the few days leading up to it but, that washed a way when I went in to the class room. I knew what I was about to do was important and I have no issue with sharing some of my story. By sharing with these students, I was hoping to impact them in a positive way and make them realize that it is ok to share feelings and there is no shame in reaching out for help when they need it.
I had prepared well for this. I had typed out what I wanted to say on four pages. I also had 6 or 7 cue cards with some key points as well. I was able to get a sling from my dad, George. The purpose of the sling was to get the kids to differentiate between physical illness and mental illness.
The first class was grade 11 girls. I had my sling on. I asked if any of them could tell what was wrong with me. A few of the girls said that something was wrong with my arm. I then tore off the sling and threw it to the side. My ploy had worked. I then told them that there was currently nothing wrong with me physically but, that did not mean that I was not struggling internally. I think I got that point across well to them, that mental illness is not always visible.
I did look down a few times during the first class but, kept my presentation flowing well. I was happy that I was able to maintain their attention for the duration of my talk. I made sure to maintain eye contact with all of them and was impressed with their attentiveness. I think part of it was that my story, was one they wanted to hear. Having me there talking about mental health and addiction in person made it real. They had a face to connect with it.
I shared my story with them. Discussing when I first started showing symptoms in my life, telling them that it was close to their age. I talked about my first major depressive episode and how scary that was. I talked about my struggle with addiction. I talked about the fact that my illness did not just affect me but, those around me. I shared that things have gotten better. I shared some of the things that have helped me along the way. I told them that they should value themselves and never give up on themselves. I told them that there is always someone that cares about us and that they are never alone. I told them that there is always some way to find help. If one door for help shuts, then knock on the next door and do not stop fighting for yourself. I talked about the importance of building self confidence and learning how to stand up for themselves. I told them that I had thought about ending my life thousands of times but, have come out the other side because I found a way to fight through and never gave up. I told them that each of us has great capacity within ourselves to overcome challenges in life. I told them that I believed part of the reason I have got to this point in life was to be able to share my story with them and help them in their journey.
It was one of the most empowering moments of my life. I know I connected with them on some level. The other classes went amazingly well. There were a few girls that stayed behind to talk to their teacher after I talked. And one of the guys in Lincoln's class stayed behind after to talk to me as he told me he had a friend who was struggling with depression.
I drove home that day with a smile on my face. My story with mental illness and addiction was able to reach out to some young people and affect them positively in some way. I hope I have another opportunity to speak as I felt quite comfortable doing it. I want to be able to connect with others and make it easier to share feelings and struggles. It was a really good day. :)
Enjoy your day.
Never give up hope. It can get better and it will get better. Keep fighting.
Take care, Shawn.
Last week, I had an amazing experience. My friend Lincoln is a high school teacher. He mentioned that his class was doing a unit on mental health and so I offered to speak to them about my experience. He was chatting with his colleague and she asked if I would speak to two of her classes while I was up too.
I decided it was best to go up the night before. Their first class was at 8:00. I stayed with Lincoln and his wonderful wife Meghan. We have not really known each other for that long but, I feel as though I have known them for a really long time. It was so nice to catch up with them and their two boys. Lincoln and I had some amazing chats. It was a little different not having Jodi there. I missed her and Ollie a lot but, I know she supported me with what I was doing.
Now I have never formally talked openly to a group about my story of living with bi polar and two addictions. I had been nervous for the few days leading up to it but, that washed a way when I went in to the class room. I knew what I was about to do was important and I have no issue with sharing some of my story. By sharing with these students, I was hoping to impact them in a positive way and make them realize that it is ok to share feelings and there is no shame in reaching out for help when they need it.
I had prepared well for this. I had typed out what I wanted to say on four pages. I also had 6 or 7 cue cards with some key points as well. I was able to get a sling from my dad, George. The purpose of the sling was to get the kids to differentiate between physical illness and mental illness.
The first class was grade 11 girls. I had my sling on. I asked if any of them could tell what was wrong with me. A few of the girls said that something was wrong with my arm. I then tore off the sling and threw it to the side. My ploy had worked. I then told them that there was currently nothing wrong with me physically but, that did not mean that I was not struggling internally. I think I got that point across well to them, that mental illness is not always visible.
I did look down a few times during the first class but, kept my presentation flowing well. I was happy that I was able to maintain their attention for the duration of my talk. I made sure to maintain eye contact with all of them and was impressed with their attentiveness. I think part of it was that my story, was one they wanted to hear. Having me there talking about mental health and addiction in person made it real. They had a face to connect with it.
I shared my story with them. Discussing when I first started showing symptoms in my life, telling them that it was close to their age. I talked about my first major depressive episode and how scary that was. I talked about my struggle with addiction. I talked about the fact that my illness did not just affect me but, those around me. I shared that things have gotten better. I shared some of the things that have helped me along the way. I told them that they should value themselves and never give up on themselves. I told them that there is always someone that cares about us and that they are never alone. I told them that there is always some way to find help. If one door for help shuts, then knock on the next door and do not stop fighting for yourself. I talked about the importance of building self confidence and learning how to stand up for themselves. I told them that I had thought about ending my life thousands of times but, have come out the other side because I found a way to fight through and never gave up. I told them that each of us has great capacity within ourselves to overcome challenges in life. I told them that I believed part of the reason I have got to this point in life was to be able to share my story with them and help them in their journey.
It was one of the most empowering moments of my life. I know I connected with them on some level. The other classes went amazingly well. There were a few girls that stayed behind to talk to their teacher after I talked. And one of the guys in Lincoln's class stayed behind after to talk to me as he told me he had a friend who was struggling with depression.
I drove home that day with a smile on my face. My story with mental illness and addiction was able to reach out to some young people and affect them positively in some way. I hope I have another opportunity to speak as I felt quite comfortable doing it. I want to be able to connect with others and make it easier to share feelings and struggles. It was a really good day. :)
Enjoy your day.
Never give up hope. It can get better and it will get better. Keep fighting.
Take care, Shawn.
Friday, 25 November 2016
7 Years
I recently celebrated 7 years of sobriety. My last drink was on November 2nd, 2009. There is no question I would have lost everything if I had not made the choice to abstain from alcohol. As I have mentioned in the past, I wish I would have never picked up that first drink. If I had known back then what an intensely addictive personality I had, I would have never touched it. But how was I to know at such a young age.
I find it interesting when some people say that if they look at their life as a whole, they would not change a thing. If I could go back, I would change a shit load of things. Especially when it comes to alcohol consumption. For the most part, I was often embarrassed and ashamed of who I was when I drank. I affected others in a negative way with my actions and behavior at times and I will carry those choices with me for the rest of my life. Yes, I live with bi polar and addictions but, I am still responsible for my own decisions. I hope that over the last seven years, I have demonstrated that I have the ability to change and that hopefully I will be able to have a positive impact on mental health awareness.
I know their is a reason I am still alive today but, I often struggle to see it. I continue to have some very dark days at times but, I have not given up. I will write a blog in the new year that will hopefully shed more light on what I deal with internally on certain days. I am hoping to find an opportunity to speak to a group. I think my story may be able to help others in some small way, especially with youth.
I trust you are well. Have an amazing weekend and Happy Thanksgiving to those down south.
Take care, Shawn.
Believe in your own ability to overcome challenges along this journey we call life. S.A
I find it interesting when some people say that if they look at their life as a whole, they would not change a thing. If I could go back, I would change a shit load of things. Especially when it comes to alcohol consumption. For the most part, I was often embarrassed and ashamed of who I was when I drank. I affected others in a negative way with my actions and behavior at times and I will carry those choices with me for the rest of my life. Yes, I live with bi polar and addictions but, I am still responsible for my own decisions. I hope that over the last seven years, I have demonstrated that I have the ability to change and that hopefully I will be able to have a positive impact on mental health awareness.
I know their is a reason I am still alive today but, I often struggle to see it. I continue to have some very dark days at times but, I have not given up. I will write a blog in the new year that will hopefully shed more light on what I deal with internally on certain days. I am hoping to find an opportunity to speak to a group. I think my story may be able to help others in some small way, especially with youth.
I trust you are well. Have an amazing weekend and Happy Thanksgiving to those down south.
Take care, Shawn.
Believe in your own ability to overcome challenges along this journey we call life. S.A
Sunday, 20 November 2016
Horrible Mistake
I did watch the coverage of the U.S election night. As the evening progressed, a sinking feeling came over me. I could no longer watch and went to bed. I awoke the next morning hoping I had just had a bad dream. I did not even know the final results but, there was an uneasiness in the air and I did not even have to check to know what had happened. It had not been a bad dream, it was a reality. It was a big joke, that was certainly funny no longer.
The United States had voted in a man who is racist, a sexist, a misogynist, egocentric and who does not have an iota of political experience. Donald Trump somehow convinced the majority of Americans that someone of his ilk was qualified to run the most powerful nation in the world. I find it to be a very scary proposition. The most troubling aspect of his appointment is that so many Americans bought in to his bullshit. There was no substance to anything he preached. His victory is disturbing as it exposed the deep rooted racism that still exists in America. His election rallies could be compared to those of a KKK rally or even a Nazi rally. I thought the U.S had progressed a little bit in terms of equality for all but, his appointment proves otherwise. I believe they regressed a hundred years by voting in someone like Donald Trump and it saddens me that so many Americans actually share his view points.
I will no longer waste any more time in the future writing about this subject. It is what it is. The United States made their choice and for them and unfortunately the world, I believe they will find that they made a horrible mistake.
Shawn
The United States had voted in a man who is racist, a sexist, a misogynist, egocentric and who does not have an iota of political experience. Donald Trump somehow convinced the majority of Americans that someone of his ilk was qualified to run the most powerful nation in the world. I find it to be a very scary proposition. The most troubling aspect of his appointment is that so many Americans bought in to his bullshit. There was no substance to anything he preached. His victory is disturbing as it exposed the deep rooted racism that still exists in America. His election rallies could be compared to those of a KKK rally or even a Nazi rally. I thought the U.S had progressed a little bit in terms of equality for all but, his appointment proves otherwise. I believe they regressed a hundred years by voting in someone like Donald Trump and it saddens me that so many Americans actually share his view points.
I will no longer waste any more time in the future writing about this subject. It is what it is. The United States made their choice and for them and unfortunately the world, I believe they will find that they made a horrible mistake.
Shawn
Tuesday, 19 July 2016
Damn Ankle
I am off today which is too bad. This is the first day of work I have missed since I started this job. I rolled my ankle at slow pitch last night. It was not too bad last night but, it swelled up overnight and I was having trouble walking this morning. I am going to ice it all day and hopefully get in to physiotherapy. I am hoping to be back tomorrow.
Jodi and I had a really nice weekend. We had a chance to got down to Toronto to play in a beach volleyball tournament with Matt and Beth. I had not played volleyball in three years and it was awesome to be back in the sand again. We did not finish with great results but, we had a lot of fun. I found it difficult at times as I was definitely not even close to the beach player I used to be. I was frustrated with myself as I know I could have played better. In the end, it was just nice to play a sport again that was a big part of my life for a long time. We are hoping to make it a yearly tradition.
On Sunday we helped Dave and Megs move in to their new house. Their new place has a lot of charm and I think they are going to be really happy there. I am going to have a chance to do some landscaping for them. Not much had been done there as far as landscaping so there is a lot to be done. It is good though in a way as they will have a blank canvas to make the property their own. The move went extremely well. Dave had a lot of help so things flew by. I have been part of many moves over the years and this one had to be one of the best ones I have been a part of. Jodi helped paint their living room and it came out really well. The lay out of their new home is awesome and I especially love the flooring. They are expecting their second child any day now so they have a lot on their plate at the moment. Looking forward to spending some more time with them once things settle down for them.
I am feeling pretty good mentally. My mood has been fairly balanced and my thought processes have been fairly positive for the most part. I still hope to progress daily and work on areas of my life that need improvement. Today is a great day to be alive and I am going to try to make the best of the day.
Hope you are having a positive day. Take care, Shawn.
“Sometimes when I meet old friends, it reminds me how quickly time passes. And it makes me wonder if we've utilized our time properly or not. Proper utilization of time is so important. While we have this body, and especially this amazing human brain, I think every minute is something precious. Our day-to-day existence is very much alive with hope, although there is no guarantee of our future. There is no guarantee that tomorrow at this time we will be here. But we are working for that purely on the basis of hope. So, we need to make the best use of our time. I believe that the proper utilization of time is this: if you can, serve other people, other sentient beings. If not, at least refrain from harming them. I think that is the whole basis of my philosophy.
So, let us reflect what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that. The purpose of our life needs to be positive. We weren't born with the purpose of causing trouble, harming others. For our life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities—warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes meaningful and more peaceful—happier.”
― Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness
Jodi and I had a really nice weekend. We had a chance to got down to Toronto to play in a beach volleyball tournament with Matt and Beth. I had not played volleyball in three years and it was awesome to be back in the sand again. We did not finish with great results but, we had a lot of fun. I found it difficult at times as I was definitely not even close to the beach player I used to be. I was frustrated with myself as I know I could have played better. In the end, it was just nice to play a sport again that was a big part of my life for a long time. We are hoping to make it a yearly tradition.
On Sunday we helped Dave and Megs move in to their new house. Their new place has a lot of charm and I think they are going to be really happy there. I am going to have a chance to do some landscaping for them. Not much had been done there as far as landscaping so there is a lot to be done. It is good though in a way as they will have a blank canvas to make the property their own. The move went extremely well. Dave had a lot of help so things flew by. I have been part of many moves over the years and this one had to be one of the best ones I have been a part of. Jodi helped paint their living room and it came out really well. The lay out of their new home is awesome and I especially love the flooring. They are expecting their second child any day now so they have a lot on their plate at the moment. Looking forward to spending some more time with them once things settle down for them.
I am feeling pretty good mentally. My mood has been fairly balanced and my thought processes have been fairly positive for the most part. I still hope to progress daily and work on areas of my life that need improvement. Today is a great day to be alive and I am going to try to make the best of the day.
Hope you are having a positive day. Take care, Shawn.
“Sometimes when I meet old friends, it reminds me how quickly time passes. And it makes me wonder if we've utilized our time properly or not. Proper utilization of time is so important. While we have this body, and especially this amazing human brain, I think every minute is something precious. Our day-to-day existence is very much alive with hope, although there is no guarantee of our future. There is no guarantee that tomorrow at this time we will be here. But we are working for that purely on the basis of hope. So, we need to make the best use of our time. I believe that the proper utilization of time is this: if you can, serve other people, other sentient beings. If not, at least refrain from harming them. I think that is the whole basis of my philosophy.
So, let us reflect what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that. The purpose of our life needs to be positive. We weren't born with the purpose of causing trouble, harming others. For our life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities—warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes meaningful and more peaceful—happier.”
― Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness
Thursday, 14 July 2016
Thankful
I have a rain day today. First one we have had. This rain is a welcome sight as we really have not had any sustained rain for a few months. It has been three or four years since we have had such a dry summer. It has been a long time since I have seen the grass slow down this much. Our lawn is not doing too well but, the same can be said for most of our neighborhood. I am not worried about it at all. In the big scheme of life, it is just a lawn. Our front bed is still looking really good which is more important to me.
My new job is going extremely well. I am working with really good people and have had absolutely no issues interacting with others at work. It has been quite the opposite really. There has been no fear, stress or anxiety. I no longer bring home work with me every night and on weekends. This has made a world of difference in terms of my general happiness. I have not enjoyed a summer this much in a very long time. I have not had to work any weekends and have been off earlier every Friday except for one since I began this job. I used to have a lot issues with my stomach but, that is no longer an issue. No anxiety, no stomach issues. My foreman is awesome to work for and has a very positive leadership style. I work with one other guy who is great and the three of us work very well together. We have a lot of fun when we work and we have finished some really nice projects.
Jodi and I are going to PEI for a week and August which I am really looking forward to. My last vacation during a season did not go well and I spent the majority of it in a severe depression. It will be nice not to have anything to worry about and simply enjoy my time a way. It will be wonderful to see Bernie and Karen and spend some quality time together. PEI is beautiful and I recommend visiting there is you ever have a chance.
I had a counseling appoint this week. I am very happy with how my sessions have been going. We work through a variety of issues and it gives me a chance to look for strategies to help navigate through certain struggles. I have been getting better on not unloading too much on other people, instead using my sessions to talk through things with a professional.
Overall, I am doing really well. I still have areas of my life that I would like to improve but, I am feeling positive moving forward. My mood still shifts at times and I still shut down on occasions but, it is slowly improving. My mind does not race quite as often these days. I still struggle at times with navigating certain thought patterns but, feel I am better suited to deal with them now. I still have the occasional suicidal thought but, I no longer fixate on those thoughts for long periods of time. I am not where I want to be yet but, if I look back ten years a go, I have come leaps and bounds since then. I am very thankful to be where I am and I am grateful to many people in my life for helping me reach this point. Jodi is a huge part of where I am today and I am very fortunate to have her in my life. Being married to someone with bi polar and an addictive nature is not an easy thing to deal with. She is a special person and I am very proud to married to her.
Hope this finds you well. Take care, Shawn.
“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
My new job is going extremely well. I am working with really good people and have had absolutely no issues interacting with others at work. It has been quite the opposite really. There has been no fear, stress or anxiety. I no longer bring home work with me every night and on weekends. This has made a world of difference in terms of my general happiness. I have not enjoyed a summer this much in a very long time. I have not had to work any weekends and have been off earlier every Friday except for one since I began this job. I used to have a lot issues with my stomach but, that is no longer an issue. No anxiety, no stomach issues. My foreman is awesome to work for and has a very positive leadership style. I work with one other guy who is great and the three of us work very well together. We have a lot of fun when we work and we have finished some really nice projects.
Jodi and I are going to PEI for a week and August which I am really looking forward to. My last vacation during a season did not go well and I spent the majority of it in a severe depression. It will be nice not to have anything to worry about and simply enjoy my time a way. It will be wonderful to see Bernie and Karen and spend some quality time together. PEI is beautiful and I recommend visiting there is you ever have a chance.
I had a counseling appoint this week. I am very happy with how my sessions have been going. We work through a variety of issues and it gives me a chance to look for strategies to help navigate through certain struggles. I have been getting better on not unloading too much on other people, instead using my sessions to talk through things with a professional.
Overall, I am doing really well. I still have areas of my life that I would like to improve but, I am feeling positive moving forward. My mood still shifts at times and I still shut down on occasions but, it is slowly improving. My mind does not race quite as often these days. I still struggle at times with navigating certain thought patterns but, feel I am better suited to deal with them now. I still have the occasional suicidal thought but, I no longer fixate on those thoughts for long periods of time. I am not where I want to be yet but, if I look back ten years a go, I have come leaps and bounds since then. I am very thankful to be where I am and I am grateful to many people in my life for helping me reach this point. Jodi is a huge part of where I am today and I am very fortunate to have her in my life. Being married to someone with bi polar and an addictive nature is not an easy thing to deal with. She is a special person and I am very proud to married to her.
Hope this finds you well. Take care, Shawn.
“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Saturday, 28 May 2016
Positive Strides
Well, I must say that the last two weeks have gone very well for me. My mood and overall mental state has improved immensely compared to the last time I wrote in my blog. My new position has been exactly what I needed at this point in my life. I have not had the same responsibility or pressure and have found success with my role. There has been no stress or anxiety and I have been able to leave work behind when I get in my car to drive home. I have built up a good reputation in my short time there and have even picked up a nick name. A guy I work with started calling me bulldozer or dozer after my first day and it seems to have caught on. I am not even sure my foreman even knows my first name as he started calling me dozer too. They used to call me animal at a golf course I worked at for the way I worked and they seem to appreciate the way I work at my new job too, thus the new nick name. I think that was what I had a really hard time with when I was let go from my first job this year. No one has ever questioned my work ethic like that and those that have worked with me over the years would tell you that I always work hard and push myself every day.
I was able to speak with a counselor over the phone on Monday night which helped me prepare for the week ahead. We spoke about strategies I could use to help me achieve success. We talked about living in the moment rather than thinking ten steps ahead of myself which I have had issues with. Also not to create a negative scenario in my mind before it even happens. Just breaking the day in to manageable sections and being conscience of my mindset. Challenging negative thought patterns and allowing myself the freedom to not to be hindered by self doubt. I have gained my confidence back and I plan on building on the success of the last few weeks.
I am doing a job on my own today again. Some more top dressing and then mulching. I get a chance to work with Jeff again which I thoroughly enjoyed last Saturday. It is going to be quite humid today so hopefully we can get things finished this morning. I plan on going for a swim after and then Jodi and I are heading to a play later this afternoon. We had a chance to learn how to use the ball machine at tennis last night which was a lot of fun. It was a work out for sure but, was definitely a great way to work on ball striking.
I must give the Toronto Raptors a lot of credit. They lost in six games to the Cleveland last night but, they have so much to be proud of. They took the city of Toronto and the whole country on quite a ride this year and they gained a lot of respect around the league. The fan support was amazing and the future looks bright for this team. I would say 95% of people thought the Raptors would be swept by the Cavs and I must admit that, I was one of those people. To show the resolve they did after games 1 and 2 shows so much character and it displays what hard work and determination can do. They played some amazing basketball in games 3 and 4 I am proud of the fact that they did not just simply lay down. Looking forward to next season. Congrats on an amazing year Raps.
Well that is it for me today. Feels good to write this morning. Hope this finds you well. Take care, Shawn.
“Negativity is positively bad for your health.”
― Eleanor Brownn
I was able to speak with a counselor over the phone on Monday night which helped me prepare for the week ahead. We spoke about strategies I could use to help me achieve success. We talked about living in the moment rather than thinking ten steps ahead of myself which I have had issues with. Also not to create a negative scenario in my mind before it even happens. Just breaking the day in to manageable sections and being conscience of my mindset. Challenging negative thought patterns and allowing myself the freedom to not to be hindered by self doubt. I have gained my confidence back and I plan on building on the success of the last few weeks.
I am doing a job on my own today again. Some more top dressing and then mulching. I get a chance to work with Jeff again which I thoroughly enjoyed last Saturday. It is going to be quite humid today so hopefully we can get things finished this morning. I plan on going for a swim after and then Jodi and I are heading to a play later this afternoon. We had a chance to learn how to use the ball machine at tennis last night which was a lot of fun. It was a work out for sure but, was definitely a great way to work on ball striking.
I must give the Toronto Raptors a lot of credit. They lost in six games to the Cleveland last night but, they have so much to be proud of. They took the city of Toronto and the whole country on quite a ride this year and they gained a lot of respect around the league. The fan support was amazing and the future looks bright for this team. I would say 95% of people thought the Raptors would be swept by the Cavs and I must admit that, I was one of those people. To show the resolve they did after games 1 and 2 shows so much character and it displays what hard work and determination can do. They played some amazing basketball in games 3 and 4 I am proud of the fact that they did not just simply lay down. Looking forward to next season. Congrats on an amazing year Raps.
Well that is it for me today. Feels good to write this morning. Hope this finds you well. Take care, Shawn.
“Negativity is positively bad for your health.”
― Eleanor Brownn
Monday, 16 May 2016
Hope
Yesterday was one of the lowest days I have had in quite some time. I was severely depressed and was void of hope. I did not see much point in anything at a few points during the day. It was definitely an intense battle within my mind If anyone thinks that what I live with is bullshit, I would welcome them to endure a day like the one I did yesterday and see how well they could cope.
As shitty as it was yesterday, I fought through and hung on to hope. I got up today and tried to adjust my thinking a little bit. I got a very welcome call from someone I always respected. I used to coach a young man named Chris. I have known Chris for a long time now and am happy we have stayed in touch over the years. This morning, I received a call from his father Jeff. Jeff was always someone I looked up to and really enjoyed our interactions over the years when I was coaching volleyball. My mom happens to go to the same church as Jeff. They were chatting yesterday and my name came up. He wanted to see how I was doing. My mom gave him a brief summary of things and explained that I had done some landscaping for her and that she was quite pleased with the results. Jeff called me today to see if I would be interested in doing some landscaping for them. They have a design for what they would like done in their beds and after his conversation with my mom, he thought of me to do the work. His call came at the perfect time this morning. It is amazing how a simple phone call can make such a difference. I am going over there Wednesday night to take a look at what they want done. My mood changed drastically in a positive way and I managed to get some work done outside at our place.
I talked to an employer this morning. The job is in the landscaping industry which I am happy about. I am starting at the bottom but, that is perfectly fine with me. I am just thankful to have an opportunity to prove myself again. I start tomorrow morning. They are going to try me out and see how I fit in. It is in a different geographical area which will be a nice change. I have made the same drive for a long time and it will be nice to get a chance to see some new scenery on the way to work.
I have learned from past experiences. I am not putting too much stock in to tomorrow. All I can do is do the best work I am capable of and leave it at that. I have the skills and need to have confidence in myself. I will not have the same responsibilities that I am used to but, I have no issues with that. If they want me to trim all day or push mow, that is fine by me. I just want more than anything to have success. If they are not happy with me after a little while, then so be it. But I cannot let it be for lack of effort on my part. I have to show confidence and good body language and bust my ass to show them the best version of Shawn.
Considering yesterday, today was an amazing day. I just proved to myself that if I can fight through days like yesterday, good things will come. It may not always seem like it but, there will always be positives in my life to cling on to when I am lost in darkness. And truthfully, days like yesterday do not happen very often anymore. That does not mean that they are not extremely difficult to deal with at the time but, I am grateful that I am able to manage them a little easier that I used to be able to. I can remember when there was days, weeks or even months like yesterday for me.
I have almost deleted this blog twice in the last few months. I changed my mind though. I have worked hard at writing this blog and I am proud of it. I am not trying to create a legacy, I just enjoy sharing some of my challenges and I truly love to write. It helps me to go back and read some of my older posts and realize how far I have actually come. And I have no idea for sure but, I would like to think some of my posts may have helped someone else and that is important to me. I do not want to live in silence. It is imperative, especially for young people, to understand that there is hope out there. There is help and there are people that care. Life can be a shit storm at times and it shows strength to ask for help, not weakness. Never Give Up. One day at a time.
Have a good week. Take care, Shawn.
“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.”
― Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four
As shitty as it was yesterday, I fought through and hung on to hope. I got up today and tried to adjust my thinking a little bit. I got a very welcome call from someone I always respected. I used to coach a young man named Chris. I have known Chris for a long time now and am happy we have stayed in touch over the years. This morning, I received a call from his father Jeff. Jeff was always someone I looked up to and really enjoyed our interactions over the years when I was coaching volleyball. My mom happens to go to the same church as Jeff. They were chatting yesterday and my name came up. He wanted to see how I was doing. My mom gave him a brief summary of things and explained that I had done some landscaping for her and that she was quite pleased with the results. Jeff called me today to see if I would be interested in doing some landscaping for them. They have a design for what they would like done in their beds and after his conversation with my mom, he thought of me to do the work. His call came at the perfect time this morning. It is amazing how a simple phone call can make such a difference. I am going over there Wednesday night to take a look at what they want done. My mood changed drastically in a positive way and I managed to get some work done outside at our place.
I talked to an employer this morning. The job is in the landscaping industry which I am happy about. I am starting at the bottom but, that is perfectly fine with me. I am just thankful to have an opportunity to prove myself again. I start tomorrow morning. They are going to try me out and see how I fit in. It is in a different geographical area which will be a nice change. I have made the same drive for a long time and it will be nice to get a chance to see some new scenery on the way to work.
I have learned from past experiences. I am not putting too much stock in to tomorrow. All I can do is do the best work I am capable of and leave it at that. I have the skills and need to have confidence in myself. I will not have the same responsibilities that I am used to but, I have no issues with that. If they want me to trim all day or push mow, that is fine by me. I just want more than anything to have success. If they are not happy with me after a little while, then so be it. But I cannot let it be for lack of effort on my part. I have to show confidence and good body language and bust my ass to show them the best version of Shawn.
Considering yesterday, today was an amazing day. I just proved to myself that if I can fight through days like yesterday, good things will come. It may not always seem like it but, there will always be positives in my life to cling on to when I am lost in darkness. And truthfully, days like yesterday do not happen very often anymore. That does not mean that they are not extremely difficult to deal with at the time but, I am grateful that I am able to manage them a little easier that I used to be able to. I can remember when there was days, weeks or even months like yesterday for me.
I have almost deleted this blog twice in the last few months. I changed my mind though. I have worked hard at writing this blog and I am proud of it. I am not trying to create a legacy, I just enjoy sharing some of my challenges and I truly love to write. It helps me to go back and read some of my older posts and realize how far I have actually come. And I have no idea for sure but, I would like to think some of my posts may have helped someone else and that is important to me. I do not want to live in silence. It is imperative, especially for young people, to understand that there is hope out there. There is help and there are people that care. Life can be a shit storm at times and it shows strength to ask for help, not weakness. Never Give Up. One day at a time.
Have a good week. Take care, Shawn.
“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.”
― Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four
Thursday, 12 May 2016
Happy Thursday
Today has been a pretty low key day for me. I took Ollie for a run first thing this morning and then we drove up to the Wellington Advertiser to pick up the paper. I wanted to look at the help wanted section to see if anything caught my eye.
I found a really good job advertised as a roll off driver for the County Waste Management department. I meet all the qualifications and it pays quite well. I have nothing to lose by applying and I have to believe that I have a reasonable shot at getting an interview. This same job actually came up in the paper last summer. Both Jodi and my parents had encouraged me to apply for it last year but, I was hesitant as I had already committed myself for the season and I wanted to honor that commitment. If I do not get an interview, then I haven't lost anything and at least I can say I made the effort.
I have another therapy session next Tuesday. It was unfortunate I could not get in this week but, I am happy I will have that to look forward to. I have been staying positive and trying to challenge my negative thinking patterns. But it will be good to talk through them with her again. I only have four or five sessions available with her but, I need to make a concerted effort to maintain a connection with some form of therapy moving forward. I live with a mental disorder and I cannot put my wellness on the shelf anymore. I am not going to break cycles or find success with whatever comes next in my life unless I am connected with a professional that can help me process my thoughts and emotions. I have already put far too much on other people at times and I need to take responsibility for my mental well being. I will always have the support of people in my life, I just need to learn to fight for myself a bit.
Happy Thursday. Have a good weekend. Take care, Shawn.
"To all the people over the years who have put me down and called me crazy, I don't know if you could survive a day in my mind and the truth is, I would never wish this struggle on my worst enemy. I just want them to know that they are wrong: I AM worthy."
Scarlett Kathleen
I found a really good job advertised as a roll off driver for the County Waste Management department. I meet all the qualifications and it pays quite well. I have nothing to lose by applying and I have to believe that I have a reasonable shot at getting an interview. This same job actually came up in the paper last summer. Both Jodi and my parents had encouraged me to apply for it last year but, I was hesitant as I had already committed myself for the season and I wanted to honor that commitment. If I do not get an interview, then I haven't lost anything and at least I can say I made the effort.
I have another therapy session next Tuesday. It was unfortunate I could not get in this week but, I am happy I will have that to look forward to. I have been staying positive and trying to challenge my negative thinking patterns. But it will be good to talk through them with her again. I only have four or five sessions available with her but, I need to make a concerted effort to maintain a connection with some form of therapy moving forward. I live with a mental disorder and I cannot put my wellness on the shelf anymore. I am not going to break cycles or find success with whatever comes next in my life unless I am connected with a professional that can help me process my thoughts and emotions. I have already put far too much on other people at times and I need to take responsibility for my mental well being. I will always have the support of people in my life, I just need to learn to fight for myself a bit.
Happy Thursday. Have a good weekend. Take care, Shawn.
"To all the people over the years who have put me down and called me crazy, I don't know if you could survive a day in my mind and the truth is, I would never wish this struggle on my worst enemy. I just want them to know that they are wrong: I AM worthy."
Scarlett Kathleen
Tuesday, 10 May 2016
Spacing
I am feeling well today. Hard to get too down on such a beautiful day. I was not as active today as I have been the last week. I had a chance to visit with my dad and have a coffee out on the deck today after I picked him up from physiotherapy. I always enjoy chatting with my dad. We got a chance to go down memory lane a little bit, talking about people, places and experiences from years gone by. I have a pretty vivid memory of my childhood from growing up in Kitimat, British Columbia. Today brought back some favorite moments of my younger years.
When I was waiting for my dad at his physiotherapy, I could not help observing some of the landscaping present. What caught my eye was a Mountbatten Juniper and an Upright Yew planted right beside each other. Now I am not saying that planting these beside each other was wrong in the design but, they had been planted so close that they were growing in to each other. This does not bode well for the health of either shrub to me does not look pleasing to look at. Each shrub needs its own space to allow proper air flow, access to water and also to sunlight. They should not be competing for those so close together.
I have mentioned this before but, the observation I made today stresses the importance of spacing when designing beds or deciding where to plant trees and/or shrubs. I have seen it far too often in the last five years, where items are planted far too close to each other. The long term maturity of a plant, shrub or tree is not taken in to consideration. People often want instant satisfaction with their landscape, so that is why I believe at times items are planted so close. Now although they may look aesthetically pleasing initially, the long term look and the health of what was planted will inevitably suffer and many times items will end up dying as they may be competing with a larger/stronger plant or shrub. I am no expert by any means but, I have seen enough landscapes to know that spacing needs to be considered. I have seen far too often what can happen when it is not considered. When designing your beds at home, really consider not only the initial look but, what the bed will look like three or four years down the road when plants and shrubs may be at full maturity. Just something to think about.
Time to take Ollie for a walk. Go Jays Go. Take care, Shawn.
“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
― Virginia Woolf
When I was waiting for my dad at his physiotherapy, I could not help observing some of the landscaping present. What caught my eye was a Mountbatten Juniper and an Upright Yew planted right beside each other. Now I am not saying that planting these beside each other was wrong in the design but, they had been planted so close that they were growing in to each other. This does not bode well for the health of either shrub to me does not look pleasing to look at. Each shrub needs its own space to allow proper air flow, access to water and also to sunlight. They should not be competing for those so close together.
I have mentioned this before but, the observation I made today stresses the importance of spacing when designing beds or deciding where to plant trees and/or shrubs. I have seen it far too often in the last five years, where items are planted far too close to each other. The long term maturity of a plant, shrub or tree is not taken in to consideration. People often want instant satisfaction with their landscape, so that is why I believe at times items are planted so close. Now although they may look aesthetically pleasing initially, the long term look and the health of what was planted will inevitably suffer and many times items will end up dying as they may be competing with a larger/stronger plant or shrub. I am no expert by any means but, I have seen enough landscapes to know that spacing needs to be considered. I have seen far too often what can happen when it is not considered. When designing your beds at home, really consider not only the initial look but, what the bed will look like three or four years down the road when plants and shrubs may be at full maturity. Just something to think about.
Time to take Ollie for a walk. Go Jays Go. Take care, Shawn.
“You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
― Virginia Woolf
Monday, 9 May 2016
Mini Downzies
I woke up today not feeling nearly as positive as I did last week. I am really struggling to get going this morning. I know it will pass eventually and that I need to push myself to fight through the mini downzies. I have to remind myself how far I have come over the years and although these last few weeks have been challenging, I have proven to myself in the past that I am capable of persevering.
The end of last week was really positive. I did a major overhaul of my parents landscape and it took me two days to complete. There is still some odds and ends to tie up but, the finished product looks awesome. I was really proud of my work and it gave me a sense of worth and a renewed belief in myself. It was also nice to work with my parents and share that experience with them. They have never really got a chance to see my work first hand so it was rewarding to be able to show them some of the skills I have learned over the years.
I need to get outside and force myself to do some work. Just because I am not working at present time does not mean there is nothing for me to do. There is always things I can keep myself busy with. I am going to cut the grass here and at my parents. I need to make one more edge here and think I will thin out our Rose of Sharon a bit. It is amazing how well it has come back. It was in rough shape a few years a go but, it is doing very well. I love when it blooms in August. Such a beautiful flower.
One of the jobs I did at my parents was to dig out everything, roots and all, at the side of their house. My mom was looking for low maintenance so we decided to sod it. The most challenging part was getting the bed clean. Some of those roots had been there a long time. It is very important when you are taking things out of beds or even weeding for that matter, to get the roots out. It is counterproductive if the roots are not out as it will just end up making more work in the long run.
I told my my mom what I used to tell customers I worked for. It is imperative to water sod effectively, especially in the first few weeks. The same goes for seeding lawns through top dressing. We used to run in to issues at times when their would be complaints that their sod or seed was not doing well. More times than not, the issue they would be having would simply be the fact that they were not watering enough. One time we realized that someone's hose did not even reach the area where we top dressed. My advice would be to give sod or top dressing a good soak two to three times a day for the first few weeks. It will invariably increase the chances for long term success of your sod or top dressing job.
I am already feeling a bit more positive after writing this today. Time to get out and enjoy this beautiful day. My quote last blog was Movement is Medicine which is so true. I always feel better when I get out and do something active. It may take a push sometimes but, it always has a good impact on me.
Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
The end of last week was really positive. I did a major overhaul of my parents landscape and it took me two days to complete. There is still some odds and ends to tie up but, the finished product looks awesome. I was really proud of my work and it gave me a sense of worth and a renewed belief in myself. It was also nice to work with my parents and share that experience with them. They have never really got a chance to see my work first hand so it was rewarding to be able to show them some of the skills I have learned over the years.
I need to get outside and force myself to do some work. Just because I am not working at present time does not mean there is nothing for me to do. There is always things I can keep myself busy with. I am going to cut the grass here and at my parents. I need to make one more edge here and think I will thin out our Rose of Sharon a bit. It is amazing how well it has come back. It was in rough shape a few years a go but, it is doing very well. I love when it blooms in August. Such a beautiful flower.
One of the jobs I did at my parents was to dig out everything, roots and all, at the side of their house. My mom was looking for low maintenance so we decided to sod it. The most challenging part was getting the bed clean. Some of those roots had been there a long time. It is very important when you are taking things out of beds or even weeding for that matter, to get the roots out. It is counterproductive if the roots are not out as it will just end up making more work in the long run.
I told my my mom what I used to tell customers I worked for. It is imperative to water sod effectively, especially in the first few weeks. The same goes for seeding lawns through top dressing. We used to run in to issues at times when their would be complaints that their sod or seed was not doing well. More times than not, the issue they would be having would simply be the fact that they were not watering enough. One time we realized that someone's hose did not even reach the area where we top dressed. My advice would be to give sod or top dressing a good soak two to three times a day for the first few weeks. It will invariably increase the chances for long term success of your sod or top dressing job.
I am already feeling a bit more positive after writing this today. Time to get out and enjoy this beautiful day. My quote last blog was Movement is Medicine which is so true. I always feel better when I get out and do something active. It may take a push sometimes but, it always has a good impact on me.
Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
Thursday, 5 May 2016
Good Day
Today was a good day.
I spent the day at my parents place doing work for them. I really enjoyed working by myself and also getting a chance to visit with them. I got a lot of work done and was happy with how things are looking. I have to go back to finish things up tomorrow. A day like today makes me think that there is a possibility of starting my own business one day. I find peace in working on my own and believe that I do have the skills necessary. I also love interacting with customers so I should really consider that moving forward. At some point, I just have to have faith in myself and take a leap.
I did drop off one resume today. I was having issues with my one e mail account and just realized how to fix the issue last night. Turns out I had 46 e mails in my inbox. An employer had tried to get in touch with me almost a month a go, so I dropped off a resume in person and explained the situation. I did not get to talk to the owner but, chatted with a really nice guy. It is out of my control now. It did feel good to drop it off though as I had been feeling a bit nervous as the mix up with the e mail looks bad on me. I learned from my experience with my first job this year, that is important to weigh all options and not rush in to the first opportunity that presents itself. I do need to work but, I am being patient and hoping that whatever ends up coming up will be a good fit for both myself and the employer. I am really contemplating being up front about the fact I live with bi polar disorder. I am under no obligation and it would be a bit of a risk but, I want to find long term success and believe sharing a bit about my disorder will help with that. And I am not ashamed of who I am or what I live with. I used to be years a go but, I learned that sharing with others is perhaps part of what I am meant to do in life.
Considering everything, it has been quite a positive week. I had a counseling appointment. I got the entire house in order. I got a chance to be outside today and help out my parents. The Blue Jays had two walk off wins in a row. I am feeling healthy and the issues with my left arm and shoulder seem to have been rectified. I was able to spend some more time with Jodi and Ollie. We went for a really nice walk the other day. I need to remind myself every day that although I may have hit a bump in the road, there is still so much to be thankful for.
Have a great weekend.
Take care, Shawn.
“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”
― Guillaume Apollinaire
I spent the day at my parents place doing work for them. I really enjoyed working by myself and also getting a chance to visit with them. I got a lot of work done and was happy with how things are looking. I have to go back to finish things up tomorrow. A day like today makes me think that there is a possibility of starting my own business one day. I find peace in working on my own and believe that I do have the skills necessary. I also love interacting with customers so I should really consider that moving forward. At some point, I just have to have faith in myself and take a leap.
I did drop off one resume today. I was having issues with my one e mail account and just realized how to fix the issue last night. Turns out I had 46 e mails in my inbox. An employer had tried to get in touch with me almost a month a go, so I dropped off a resume in person and explained the situation. I did not get to talk to the owner but, chatted with a really nice guy. It is out of my control now. It did feel good to drop it off though as I had been feeling a bit nervous as the mix up with the e mail looks bad on me. I learned from my experience with my first job this year, that is important to weigh all options and not rush in to the first opportunity that presents itself. I do need to work but, I am being patient and hoping that whatever ends up coming up will be a good fit for both myself and the employer. I am really contemplating being up front about the fact I live with bi polar disorder. I am under no obligation and it would be a bit of a risk but, I want to find long term success and believe sharing a bit about my disorder will help with that. And I am not ashamed of who I am or what I live with. I used to be years a go but, I learned that sharing with others is perhaps part of what I am meant to do in life.
Considering everything, it has been quite a positive week. I had a counseling appointment. I got the entire house in order. I got a chance to be outside today and help out my parents. The Blue Jays had two walk off wins in a row. I am feeling healthy and the issues with my left arm and shoulder seem to have been rectified. I was able to spend some more time with Jodi and Ollie. We went for a really nice walk the other day. I need to remind myself every day that although I may have hit a bump in the road, there is still so much to be thankful for.
Have a great weekend.
Take care, Shawn.
“Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”
― Guillaume Apollinaire
Wednesday, 4 May 2016
Middle Ground
I woke up yesterday feeling pretty low. I felt like a loser and a failure. I felt as though I had fucked everything up. I did not like the fact that I was out of work. I value being able to contribute to our family. I took Ollie for a walk and saw the town employees cutting and trimming grass. A sense of sadness swept over me. I should be out there. I love cutting grass and take great pride in it. But I felt as though I had let opportunities pass me by. I had put myself in this position and I was going to have to find it within myself to get out of it.
Fortunately I did have my first one on one therapy session in years yesterday. She was a very nice woman and made me feel comfortable. I do not generally have an issue sharing so it did not take me long to start getting some feelings out. She gave me a hand out. It was The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking. The first one on the page that we discussed made me smile a little bit as I definitely could relate it to myself. It was All or nothing thinking. You see things in black or white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. As I read that and realized that is what I do to myself on a reoccurring basis. If something does not work out perfectly, I see it as a total failure and an indictment of me personally. We came to the consensus that was one of the areas with me that we needed to work on, finding a middle ground. Not constantly relating my life to basically a pass or fail system.
One of the other things we are going to work on is challenging my thoughts. She asked if I had heard of cognitive behavior therapy and I said that I was familiar with the concept. I had been part of a cognitive therapy group at Trellis. I do not believe at the time I was in that group, that I was in a good place to really take it in. So we will touch on that therapy in the next session. Learning how I can challenge my initial thought and start to train my mind to break the cycle of negative thinking patterns. Often times in my life, I set myself up for failure before I even attempt to do something. Already creating a negative outcome in my mind and therefore making it impossible for me to find success. This form of therapy will help me challenge a negative thought and show within my mind that many of the negative thoughts simply are not true. And that I have had success and positive outcomes and various points in my life. It will be a challenge for me as I am so used to negative thinking, always believing that ultimately I will fail. I am looking forward to my next session. Unfortunately it is not for a couple weeks but, I will try to practice some of what we discussed.
I am still not sure what I am going to do for work. I feel kind of lost at this point. I need to work and I need to stick with whatever I decide to do for the rest of the season. It is not fair to Jodi to have this instability surrounding us. I am scared of what is to come but, I have proven to myself in the past that I am capable of pushing through things. I know I do have a lot of strengths and I need to remember that with whatever path I choose. Believe in myself and show confidence. I want more than anything to succeed and want to prove to myself that I can do it. The paper comes out tomorrow so I will take a look and perhaps something will catch my eye.
Hope this finds you well.
Take care, Shawn.
“Separate yourself from those who hinder your vision. Make a choice to walk away from the trap set to ensnare you. Realize when someone is pulling you backwards every time you take a step forward. Separate from them and the result of your action will be a life of success.”
― Amaka Imani Nkosazana
Fortunately I did have my first one on one therapy session in years yesterday. She was a very nice woman and made me feel comfortable. I do not generally have an issue sharing so it did not take me long to start getting some feelings out. She gave me a hand out. It was The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking. The first one on the page that we discussed made me smile a little bit as I definitely could relate it to myself. It was All or nothing thinking. You see things in black or white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. As I read that and realized that is what I do to myself on a reoccurring basis. If something does not work out perfectly, I see it as a total failure and an indictment of me personally. We came to the consensus that was one of the areas with me that we needed to work on, finding a middle ground. Not constantly relating my life to basically a pass or fail system.
One of the other things we are going to work on is challenging my thoughts. She asked if I had heard of cognitive behavior therapy and I said that I was familiar with the concept. I had been part of a cognitive therapy group at Trellis. I do not believe at the time I was in that group, that I was in a good place to really take it in. So we will touch on that therapy in the next session. Learning how I can challenge my initial thought and start to train my mind to break the cycle of negative thinking patterns. Often times in my life, I set myself up for failure before I even attempt to do something. Already creating a negative outcome in my mind and therefore making it impossible for me to find success. This form of therapy will help me challenge a negative thought and show within my mind that many of the negative thoughts simply are not true. And that I have had success and positive outcomes and various points in my life. It will be a challenge for me as I am so used to negative thinking, always believing that ultimately I will fail. I am looking forward to my next session. Unfortunately it is not for a couple weeks but, I will try to practice some of what we discussed.
I am still not sure what I am going to do for work. I feel kind of lost at this point. I need to work and I need to stick with whatever I decide to do for the rest of the season. It is not fair to Jodi to have this instability surrounding us. I am scared of what is to come but, I have proven to myself in the past that I am capable of pushing through things. I know I do have a lot of strengths and I need to remember that with whatever path I choose. Believe in myself and show confidence. I want more than anything to succeed and want to prove to myself that I can do it. The paper comes out tomorrow so I will take a look and perhaps something will catch my eye.
Hope this finds you well.
Take care, Shawn.
“Separate yourself from those who hinder your vision. Make a choice to walk away from the trap set to ensnare you. Realize when someone is pulling you backwards every time you take a step forward. Separate from them and the result of your action will be a life of success.”
― Amaka Imani Nkosazana
Monday, 2 May 2016
One on One
I am not exactly in the position I wanted to be in at this point in year but, I am enjoying my day thus far. I made the call I needed to make this morning and have a counseling appointment tomorrow. It will be the first one on one appointment I have had in at least five years and I am really looking forward to it. That was far too long for me not to meet with someone. I put other things ahead of my health and hopefully this will be a good step for me in learning how to transition a little easier.
It works out well this week being off as there is a lot of things to get done around the house. My plan is to get things straightened out inside this morning and then do some work outside this afternoon if the rain lets up.
It was great to see people out doing spring clean ups on the weekend. I see that many beds already have mulch in them. The long range forecast looks as though milder temperatures are going to stay with us. It is important though to be careful when putting down mulch this early in the season. It is important not to put it on too soon. It can be detrimental to the health of plants and shrubs if mulch is applied before the soil has thawed out completely. It does appear as though it would be safe to lay it at this point. Remember that there is such a thing as too much mulch. You are looking to put down 2-3 inches. If you put down a thin layer, the mulch will not serve one of its purposes which is being a weed suppressant. A trick we used was to put your pointer finger in the mulch. If the depth of the mulch covered your pointer finger, then you generally would be looking good.
Making a fresh edge is a great way to spruce up the look of your beds. You can use an edger or even a spade. A spade takes a little while to get the hang of when making an edge but, it can do a really good job if done right. It is important not to take too much off of the edge. I would say that you are looking to take off no more than an inch. You want to make an edge at a 45 degree angle. I believe it looks better aesthetically and it also serves the purpose of guarding against scalping if your mower accidentally goes over the edge. When you edge, you want to maintain continuity with your edge. Each bed is different so it depends. If there is a long stretch of a straight edge, it can help to have a string line to help maintain the straightness for the whole edge. I have done so many edges that I do not use one but, it will help. A key is to look up occasionally as your making your edge just to make sure you are not getting off course with the edge. It is possible to make corrections to your edge but, it is beneficial to do it right the first time to avoid unnecessary work.
Spring pruning is also key to the health of plants and shrubs. If you are not sure of how to prune certain plants and shrubs in the spring, there are some great videos on you tube. I have seen some hack jobs in terms of pruning, so it important to prune properly and with purpose. Pruning in the spring helps promote good growth and benefits the overall health of the plant or shrub. Different varieties of shrubs do flower in the spring months so you have to be careful how much you are taking out of the plant and what type of wood you are taking out. Some shrubs flower on first year wood and some flower on second year wood. Taking some time to do some research in terms of what type of shrubs or plant you are pruning will be beneficial. I still have a long way to go in terms of identification but, I have learned how to look at different species and recognize usually how I should approach pruning it. It is important to look for dead or diseased parts of a shrub or plant. They need to be cut out as low as possible as they will never come back unless something is done about it. A wise man used to say, if it is brown, cut it down. A trick to check for life is to take hand pruners or a knife and gently scrape the bark. You should be able to tell if there is still life in a branch or whether is needs to be taken out.
Time for me to get cleaning.
Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
"Movement is medicine" Clara Hughes
It works out well this week being off as there is a lot of things to get done around the house. My plan is to get things straightened out inside this morning and then do some work outside this afternoon if the rain lets up.
It was great to see people out doing spring clean ups on the weekend. I see that many beds already have mulch in them. The long range forecast looks as though milder temperatures are going to stay with us. It is important though to be careful when putting down mulch this early in the season. It is important not to put it on too soon. It can be detrimental to the health of plants and shrubs if mulch is applied before the soil has thawed out completely. It does appear as though it would be safe to lay it at this point. Remember that there is such a thing as too much mulch. You are looking to put down 2-3 inches. If you put down a thin layer, the mulch will not serve one of its purposes which is being a weed suppressant. A trick we used was to put your pointer finger in the mulch. If the depth of the mulch covered your pointer finger, then you generally would be looking good.
Making a fresh edge is a great way to spruce up the look of your beds. You can use an edger or even a spade. A spade takes a little while to get the hang of when making an edge but, it can do a really good job if done right. It is important not to take too much off of the edge. I would say that you are looking to take off no more than an inch. You want to make an edge at a 45 degree angle. I believe it looks better aesthetically and it also serves the purpose of guarding against scalping if your mower accidentally goes over the edge. When you edge, you want to maintain continuity with your edge. Each bed is different so it depends. If there is a long stretch of a straight edge, it can help to have a string line to help maintain the straightness for the whole edge. I have done so many edges that I do not use one but, it will help. A key is to look up occasionally as your making your edge just to make sure you are not getting off course with the edge. It is possible to make corrections to your edge but, it is beneficial to do it right the first time to avoid unnecessary work.
Spring pruning is also key to the health of plants and shrubs. If you are not sure of how to prune certain plants and shrubs in the spring, there are some great videos on you tube. I have seen some hack jobs in terms of pruning, so it important to prune properly and with purpose. Pruning in the spring helps promote good growth and benefits the overall health of the plant or shrub. Different varieties of shrubs do flower in the spring months so you have to be careful how much you are taking out of the plant and what type of wood you are taking out. Some shrubs flower on first year wood and some flower on second year wood. Taking some time to do some research in terms of what type of shrubs or plant you are pruning will be beneficial. I still have a long way to go in terms of identification but, I have learned how to look at different species and recognize usually how I should approach pruning it. It is important to look for dead or diseased parts of a shrub or plant. They need to be cut out as low as possible as they will never come back unless something is done about it. A wise man used to say, if it is brown, cut it down. A trick to check for life is to take hand pruners or a knife and gently scrape the bark. You should be able to tell if there is still life in a branch or whether is needs to be taken out.
Time for me to get cleaning.
Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
"Movement is medicine" Clara Hughes
Saturday, 30 April 2016
Opportunity to Learn
Well, I learned recently that construction was simply not for me. I gave it a shot for three weeks and kept a positive attitude. Just realized the other day that it was not something that I had a passion for. I did learn a lot and it was interesting to find out how much really goes in to infrastructure of towns and cities.
I took a huge risk when I decided not to return to my last job. It was a huge risk because that job was something I had success with and I truly enjoyed the customers that we worked for. As I have mentioned before in this blog, it can be very challenging for individuals living with a mental illness to find stability with employment. Many cannot work at all and I feel fortunate that I have been able to find some success. In retrospect, I may have made a mistake leaving as I did enjoy the work and it made me feel worthy being able to contribute to our family. But on the other hand, these last two months were something I believe I had to experience for myself. Every experience in life, whether it be positive or negative can be an opportunity to learn something about yourself.
I learned that it is crucial for myself to be very conscience of the way I present myself. Others cannot see what is going on inside my mind. I have to be able to present good body language regardless of what I may be experiencing mentally. I learned that I cannot put whatever I may be experiencing on other people, even those closest to me. I need to take time to find one on one counseling to help me learn to navigate challenges with whatever I end up doing moving forward. It has been far too long since I have talked through my emotions and struggles one on one with a professional. I made a call the other day and have started the process of finding someone to meet with. There is a difference between having a good support system and seeking out a professional. People close to me are very supportive of me but, it is not fair of me to reach out to them with issues that I really need to be talking with someone who is specialized in treating mental illness. I learned that I need to be able to take constructive criticism. I am not perfect and there are many things I have to learn. I did cry a few times in the last few months but, that is just part of who I am. I need to learn not to take things so personally and realize that criticism does not mean someone dislikes me as a person or is an indictment of my character as a person. I am an extremely sensitive person but, I need to be able to grow a thicker skin at times and know that although I may make mistakes at work, it does not mean I am a failure as a person.
I had the opportunity to do some hand pruning of some shrubs yesterday. I have discussed this on previous occasions but, I cannot stress how therapeutic pruning is for me. If I ever had an opportunity to start my own business, I would specialize in pruning. Pruning was something I seemed to have a knack for from the beginning and I am thankful for the last five years as it gave me the opportunity to hone my skills. I still have so much to learn about identifying different shrubs and trees but, I understand how to prune quite a variety of species. Part of what I deal with on a daily basis is thoughts racing through my mind, often having difficulty slowing my mind down. When I am pruning, this is a non issue. I do not think about anything other that how I need to approach the pruning for each individual shrub or plant. My favorite thing to prune is a hedge. I have had the opportunity to prune quite a variety of hedges. I love the challenge of taking off just enough from the sides of a hedge and sloping it properly and also attempting to get the top to the point where you could put a level on it. I really enjoy the opportunity to do hedges that have never been touched. You can take something that is an overgrown mess and completely transform it in to something to be proud of. My parents neighbor has a hedge that has never been touched and I am dying to do it. It drives me nuts looking at it every time I am there. Part of me wants to do it for free but, I know the value in being able to prune a hedge properly.
We are heading down to babysit by nephews and niece. Should be a lot of fun and can't wait to see them. It is a beautiful day here and I am feeling quite positive today. Time to cut the grass.
Hope you are well. Take care, Shawn.
“Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When "I" is replaced by "We", illness becomes wellness.”
― Shannon L. Alder
I took a huge risk when I decided not to return to my last job. It was a huge risk because that job was something I had success with and I truly enjoyed the customers that we worked for. As I have mentioned before in this blog, it can be very challenging for individuals living with a mental illness to find stability with employment. Many cannot work at all and I feel fortunate that I have been able to find some success. In retrospect, I may have made a mistake leaving as I did enjoy the work and it made me feel worthy being able to contribute to our family. But on the other hand, these last two months were something I believe I had to experience for myself. Every experience in life, whether it be positive or negative can be an opportunity to learn something about yourself.
I learned that it is crucial for myself to be very conscience of the way I present myself. Others cannot see what is going on inside my mind. I have to be able to present good body language regardless of what I may be experiencing mentally. I learned that I cannot put whatever I may be experiencing on other people, even those closest to me. I need to take time to find one on one counseling to help me learn to navigate challenges with whatever I end up doing moving forward. It has been far too long since I have talked through my emotions and struggles one on one with a professional. I made a call the other day and have started the process of finding someone to meet with. There is a difference between having a good support system and seeking out a professional. People close to me are very supportive of me but, it is not fair of me to reach out to them with issues that I really need to be talking with someone who is specialized in treating mental illness. I learned that I need to be able to take constructive criticism. I am not perfect and there are many things I have to learn. I did cry a few times in the last few months but, that is just part of who I am. I need to learn not to take things so personally and realize that criticism does not mean someone dislikes me as a person or is an indictment of my character as a person. I am an extremely sensitive person but, I need to be able to grow a thicker skin at times and know that although I may make mistakes at work, it does not mean I am a failure as a person.
I had the opportunity to do some hand pruning of some shrubs yesterday. I have discussed this on previous occasions but, I cannot stress how therapeutic pruning is for me. If I ever had an opportunity to start my own business, I would specialize in pruning. Pruning was something I seemed to have a knack for from the beginning and I am thankful for the last five years as it gave me the opportunity to hone my skills. I still have so much to learn about identifying different shrubs and trees but, I understand how to prune quite a variety of species. Part of what I deal with on a daily basis is thoughts racing through my mind, often having difficulty slowing my mind down. When I am pruning, this is a non issue. I do not think about anything other that how I need to approach the pruning for each individual shrub or plant. My favorite thing to prune is a hedge. I have had the opportunity to prune quite a variety of hedges. I love the challenge of taking off just enough from the sides of a hedge and sloping it properly and also attempting to get the top to the point where you could put a level on it. I really enjoy the opportunity to do hedges that have never been touched. You can take something that is an overgrown mess and completely transform it in to something to be proud of. My parents neighbor has a hedge that has never been touched and I am dying to do it. It drives me nuts looking at it every time I am there. Part of me wants to do it for free but, I know the value in being able to prune a hedge properly.
We are heading down to babysit by nephews and niece. Should be a lot of fun and can't wait to see them. It is a beautiful day here and I am feeling quite positive today. Time to cut the grass.
Hope you are well. Take care, Shawn.
“Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When "I" is replaced by "We", illness becomes wellness.”
― Shannon L. Alder
Monday, 11 April 2016
Next Step
It has been a long time since I have written. I have missed writing immensely.
I had a hard time turning 40 in January. I struggled with it for a while but, slowly adjusted and began to turn the corner. It was one of the most challenging winters I have had and I am thankful that it looks like spring is finally here.
It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make but, I did decide to move on from my job from the last five years. I learned so much about myself in that time and definitely would not be the person I am now without that experience. It really helped me become a stronger person and I will always be grateful for that time. I met some amazing people along the way and worked for some wonderful customers over those years.
I began the next chapter of employment in March. Unfortunately, it did not work out and I spent this past weekend wrapping my brain around what I should do next. I felt like a bit of failure. I know they did not get to see the best of me and I never got a chance to show them where I excelled the most. I had not been at a new position in five years and I think I just got overwhelmed in the first few weeks and my confidence took a hit. You can learn things from every experience in life and I learned some valuable lessons in a short time.
I was really low on the weekend. Was just frustrated with myself. I do not enjoy failing at things and take things far too personally. I could not sit idle for long and was determined to find a new job today. I did and I am optimistic moving forward. I have some familiarity my new employer and I am hoping it will make the transition easier this time. I am always going to struggle at times but, I am determined to show confidence and give them the best version of myself. I also need to realize that I cannot let what may be going on inside me transfer to my body language. I have to be present and be conscience of others needs as well. And if it does not work out, at least I will be able to say I gave it my all. A job does not define me as a person and I need to remind myself of that. I am proud of who I am now and all I can give is my best and leave it at work at the end of the day.
A wise woman once told me that sometimes you just have to say "Fuck It". That is what helped me today. I woke up and just said fuck it to myself and made a point to have a good day and take some initiative. Nobody gives things to you in life. You have to work at it. Believe in yourself and take charge. That's what I did today.
I am a fighter. If nothing else, people cannot say I gave up on life. I get up each day and try to put my best foot forward. Bi - Polar does not define me as a person. It is something I live with. But there are so many positives to hold on to. I will continue to push through and continually work on bettering myself. I want to be a good husband, a good brother, a good son and a good friend. That is what is most important to me. Everything else will take care of itself. One step at a time.
Hope this finds you well.
Happy Monday.
Shawn
I had a hard time turning 40 in January. I struggled with it for a while but, slowly adjusted and began to turn the corner. It was one of the most challenging winters I have had and I am thankful that it looks like spring is finally here.
It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make but, I did decide to move on from my job from the last five years. I learned so much about myself in that time and definitely would not be the person I am now without that experience. It really helped me become a stronger person and I will always be grateful for that time. I met some amazing people along the way and worked for some wonderful customers over those years.
I began the next chapter of employment in March. Unfortunately, it did not work out and I spent this past weekend wrapping my brain around what I should do next. I felt like a bit of failure. I know they did not get to see the best of me and I never got a chance to show them where I excelled the most. I had not been at a new position in five years and I think I just got overwhelmed in the first few weeks and my confidence took a hit. You can learn things from every experience in life and I learned some valuable lessons in a short time.
I was really low on the weekend. Was just frustrated with myself. I do not enjoy failing at things and take things far too personally. I could not sit idle for long and was determined to find a new job today. I did and I am optimistic moving forward. I have some familiarity my new employer and I am hoping it will make the transition easier this time. I am always going to struggle at times but, I am determined to show confidence and give them the best version of myself. I also need to realize that I cannot let what may be going on inside me transfer to my body language. I have to be present and be conscience of others needs as well. And if it does not work out, at least I will be able to say I gave it my all. A job does not define me as a person and I need to remind myself of that. I am proud of who I am now and all I can give is my best and leave it at work at the end of the day.
A wise woman once told me that sometimes you just have to say "Fuck It". That is what helped me today. I woke up and just said fuck it to myself and made a point to have a good day and take some initiative. Nobody gives things to you in life. You have to work at it. Believe in yourself and take charge. That's what I did today.
I am a fighter. If nothing else, people cannot say I gave up on life. I get up each day and try to put my best foot forward. Bi - Polar does not define me as a person. It is something I live with. But there are so many positives to hold on to. I will continue to push through and continually work on bettering myself. I want to be a good husband, a good brother, a good son and a good friend. That is what is most important to me. Everything else will take care of itself. One step at a time.
Hope this finds you well.
Happy Monday.
Shawn
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