Happy Friday

The last few weeks have been challenging in many respects for me but,  I am really looking forward to the holidays.  Jodi is off work now for two weeks and we leave Tuesday for Florida and Christmas with Bernie and Karen.  The weather in Florida looks amazing for the time we are there and I believe the sun will benefit me greatly.  My last vacation did not go as well as I would have liked, so I am eager to have a positive experience this time around.

I drove through Tim's last night and the Christmas spirit was in full affect.  Apparently, the previous twenty five people had either paid for or made some contribution for the person behind them.  Paying it forward at a Tim's is an easy way to make someone's day.

Winter is here and we have had a fair amount of snow in comparison to the last few years.  I have spent some time shoveling and using my parents snow blower at their place.  I mentioned paying it forward and I do my best to shovel and/or snow blow our neighbor's driveway and the driveways of my parents neighbor's.  It is great exercise for me and I have the time to do it now.  It makes me feel good inside and I am sure they appreciate coming home to a clean driveway.

Last year, I read a book called Cycling Home from Siberia: 30 000 miles, 3 years, 1 bicycle by Rob Lilwall.  I mentioned it in a blog and the positive impact it had on me.  I am pleased to announce that he has another book coming out in Canada in the new year called Walking Home From Mongolia.  Rob walked home from Mongolia and I cannot wait to hear of his adventures along the way.  He is an excellent writer and makes you feel as you are on the journey with him.  I wrote him after his last book and he was kind enough to respond to me.  I believe he even took a peek at my blog which was nice to hear.  I have never met him in person and probably never will but, he seems like someone I would get along with quite well.

2014 is right around the corner and I am cautiously optimistic about what the new year will bring.  I have come to accept that I will always have to push through certain things in life.  I saw Dr. Otto this week to get a new prescription for my medications as the refills had run out.  He is an amazing doctor and has been a big part of helping me get to some sort of stability.  He has been so good to our family and I am truly thankful for his professionalism and kindness.  I mentioned to him that I was worried I would just be fighting obstacles my whole life and that worried me.  He told me that I do not give myself enough credit for what I have accomplished so far in life.   I do have trouble looking at aspects of success in my life.  I often block those out and focus solely on disappointments and failures.  This inhibits me from breaking the cycle that I seem to go through every year. I need to start realizing that I have succeeded and need to start patting myself on the back more often.  I know I will always struggle with a variety of thoughts and emotions but, I have managed to make it this far.

Jodi mentioned to me once that my choice was simple. She said I could either live or die. This was after a conversation where I mentioned I was having some some suicidal thoughts.  .  I tried to explain to her that it wasn't such a an easy decision,  that there was a lot more to it than that.  When I really think about it though,  it can be that simple.  There is no point in simply passing time on earth until my time here is done.  I might as well do my best to continue living it and make some sort of positive contribution to the world.  I have a wonderful wife,  a great companion in Ollie, amazing family and good friends.  I also have nieces and nephews I want to see grow up and be a great uncle to.  That is a lot to live for and I need to remind myself of that when my thoughts seem to drift towards giving up.

Tonight I feel good and am looking forward to spending the night at home.  I hope you have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.”
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

Better Day

Today I woke up feeling much better.  The downzies seem to have subsided for now and I had a fresh outlook on things.  I was spending too much time feeling sorry for myself and letting my thoughts control my mood.  I was not being proactive and reaching out to people close to me.  I was isolating myself and allowing the depression and sadness to envelop me in my little cocoon.

I was watching the news this morning and it appears as though Canada Post will be laying off a fair number of employees in the next year.  It made me realize how fortunate I was to be able to work as much as I do in a year.  Employment opportunities seem to have diminished drastically over the last few years and jobs are hard to come by.  I am still not sure what I will do in the future but, I am thankful for work I have been fortunate to have over the last few years.

I do not have too much to write about tonight.  Just kind of checking in I guess.  I am feeling more positive and really enjoyed spending today with Ollie.  I had a chance to have a coffee with my dad and that really picked me up as well.

Leslie, Bart, Elias and Micah are in the air now on their way to Australia for a visit.  Wishing them safe travels and hope they have an amazing time.

Take care,  Shawn.

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Sadness

Today, I had a profound sense of sadness.  Part of what I experience during depressive episodes is sadness.  I spent part of the afternoon crying in bed, hiding a way from the world.  I asked God why he simply would not take me a way as I did not feel like fighting anymore.

I do not share this to create worry but, more to educate others how depression can affect the psyche of individuals.  Deep depression and extreme sadness is debilitating.  It saps the energy from you.  I had no interest in doing anything or talking to anyone.  I had to force myself simply to brush my teeth.  The depression started yesterday and continued through today.  Jodi was around yesterday but, worked today.  I think facing the day by myself made it more difficult.  I need to reach out when I have days like this but, honestly felt like embracing the misery alone.

I did feel better this afternoon and was thankful to see Jodi when she got home from school.  Ollie was a good form of comfort today and I made myself take him for a play and get some fresh air.  I decided to write tonight and am already feeling relieved in a way.  There is something about sharing on this blog that helps me process my thoughts a little easier.

I remember when I worked for the school board.  Every day for the last year there was like today.  I hated waking up in the morning and making that ten minute walk to school.  It had nothing to do with working with the kids, which whom I loved being around.  It was all the other bull shit that really got to me.  I was good with the kids but, could not handle the social dynamics with the adults in the room.  Every day became increasingly more difficult and the depression rooted itself deeper within me.  I turned to alcohol and gambling as a way of comping.  Thinking they would somehow lessen the absence of joy in my life.

This always tends to be a tough time of year for me.  Bills do not stop simply because I am done work and EI does not come through for another few weeks.  The government also takes off vacation pay from your first payment which is not fair if you ask me.  I earned that vacation pay and the government already does not pay you for the first two weeks of being off.  I may have to look at getting year round employment as it may help me feel more valuable to Jodi and Ollie.  

I am thankful for life and know this too shall pass eventually.  I am also thankful that my depressive episodes only seem to last a minimal amount of time instead of weeks and months at a time.  I am going to make a list for myself tomorrow to help me start the day in more of a positive mind frame.  I will start with taking Ollie for a long walk on the trail.  Exercise always seems to help.  I need to find a good book for myself to read.  Reading has always been good therapy for me.  When I read,  my mind can focus on the story and not the bull shit thoughts that cross my mind.

I have been through worse days and have come through.  Just have to remember how far I have come and not forget all the positive aspects of my life.  Depression pushes the positive out and sucks the negative in.  All I need to remember is that I have people who love me for the person I am.

Have a good night.  Take care,  Shawn.

Keep fighting the good fight.  Live, Laugh, Love.

Pride

I did it.  I made it through the grind of another eight month landscaping season.  I am so proud of myself that I pushed through till the end despite some intense challenges along the way.  It would have been easy for me to give up but, I fought through adversity and made it to the finish line.  I almost did not even make it through July.  The trip to Dominican was the worst I felt mentally all year and I was not sure if I would be able to continue with work or life for that matter.  Somehow I found it within myself to show up for work on that Monday and do the best I could to navigate the darkness in my mind.

It was definitely a draining year physically and mentally.  It can be very stressful at times and I am thankful I had some good people to work with in Heather, Ryan, Jessie and Paul to help me through.  We helped each other and could lean on one another when things really became really difficult.  The amount of jobs we finished with such a small crew astounds me.  The customers we worked for definitely got their monies worth from us.  Our work ethic and attention to detail would rival any company and I am so proud what the five of us accomplished this year. 

I am proud that I was able to succeed in a leadership role and lead by example.  Although I struggled at first with it,  I learned that leadership is something that I excel at.  The key for me was having patience.  Patience is so important in many aspects of life.  I gave individuals time to learn the ins and outs of our daily routines and I always tried to be there to help point them in the right direction.  The other key to building a good team atmosphere was constantly praising the efforts of others.  Giving positive feedback is so key to team success.  Positive comments should always outweigh negative ones and I made sure that was the case. 

I have been enjoying my time off with Ollie and am looking forward to our trip to visit Jodi's parents in Florida for Christmas.  I am not sure what my future holds but,  I am not going to worry about that right now.  I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming months and will struggle with any decision I make.  I just need to enjoy the time I have now and take my time in deciding what the best course of action would be for me and our family.

I have been doing fairly well mentally for the first few weeks of being off.  I struggled a bit today and cried for the first time in a while.  Part of it was just being overtired as we have stayed up far too late the last few nights.  I was just thinking today about  how hard I fight to push through a year and it scared me to think of continually fighting that battle for the rest of my life.  I am just afraid of going in the same circle continuously for years to come.  I had one afternoon last week when my mind raced at lightning speed.  I was trying to take a nap and simply could not stop it racing.  It is hard to explain and I wish there was some way to describe it that made sense.  Just think of a spinning top and imagine thoughts going through your mind at that speed.

Looking forward to watching the Saints redeem themselves tonight against the Panthers which will be a tough challenge.  Should be a great game to watch whatever the outcome.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

Believe in the impossible.

Four Years

I am pleased to announce that a week a go today,  I celebrated four years sober.  I am very proud of this accomplishment and know I would not be where I am today without my decision to stop drinking.  Although I still struggle with bi-polar and addictive tendencies,  my mind is better able to navigate these challenges without alcohol clouding my judgement.  I have access to such a broader scope of my mind and have the ability to process my thoughts a little easier.

I am near the end of the landscaping season and am really looking forward to some down time.  I am so proud of all our crew has accomplished this year.  It amazes me when I look back at the jobs we finished with such a small work force.  We got a good start on a stone job yesterday and knocked off four properties for fall clean up last week.  We finished the biggest fall clean up on Tuesday morning and that was a big relief.  I am confident that the rest of clean ups will continue to go smoothly.  Heather, Jessie and I work really well together and have established a good rhythm thus far.  It appears that we will go through all of November so we have about three weeks left.

I happened to be off early on Wednesday afternoon and found myself watching the Dr. Oz show.  He had Celine Dion as a guest and she was very insightful.  The one comment that stuck with me was when she was discussing her large family growing up.  She said that they never had money but, that they were never poor.  It made me realize that it does not matter what material things we possess as long as nurture the relationships in our lives.  She spoke highly of her parents and the values they instilled in her..

My mind has been relatively quiet of late.  I did struggle for part of Tuesday.  It was nothing in particular affecting me,  I just found that my mind was racing and I was having difficulty slowing down my thoughts.  That did pass though and was able to finish the day strong.  I do not believe I cried all week which was positive.  I am not ashamed that I break down sometimes, as I believe that it helps to let emotion out.  It was simply nice to maintain a healthy balance for an entire week.

Hope you have a a wonderful weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.


 “Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Happy Thanksgiving

This week was a positive experience and we got a lot accomplished at work.  I had a mild bout of depression on Monday morning and thankfully had the day off to clear my mind.  It may have been the inclement weather on Monday but,  I was definitely struggling.  The difference between now and years gone by, is that I am able to fight my way out of depressive episodes.  What I was experiencing on Monday would have thrown me off for the whole week in the past but,  I was able to focus on the remainder of the week without being affected too much by Monday.

We only have three more weeks left of grass cutting which I am thankful for.  I love to cut grass but,  I am anxious to start fall clean ups.  We also started two fairly big jobs this week, which should keep us busy for the next few weeks.  It will be interesting to see how fall clean ups go this year.  We will be one man down this year for the clean ups, so it may take us a little longer than usual.  I am confident we will be able to push ourselves to get them finished in a reasonable time frame.  The key with clean ups is not being overwhelmed with the scope of work at properties.  When I did my first one a few years a go,  we started at a massive property and I was not sure how we would finish such a job.  You have to break properties in to sections and focus on individual tasks before moving on to the next section.  It makes it much easier not to get frustrated with the amount of work there is before you.

I get a chance to visit with Elias and Micah today.  The Chapman's are up for a thanksgiving visit and am looking forward to some quality time with them.  We are also closing my parents pool today which does not take too long.  I borrowed a chain saw from my boss this weekend just in case my mom would like some branches cut out of her trees.  I know what I would take out but,  they like a lot of privacy so I may have to hold myself back.  I also bought the old Echo trimmer from my boss and I am really looking forward to making some vertical edges.

Bernie and Karen are coming to visit in two weeks and I am really looking forward to seeing them.  We do not get a chance to visit with Jodi's parents too often so it will be great to catch up with them.  We are also fortunate enough to visit them in Florida over the Christmas holidays which should be a lot of fun.

I was up early today and already had a chance to take Ollie for a play at the arena.  If it was up to me,  I would have already cut the grass but,  I am sure my neighbour's would not have appreciated being woken up at 6 am on a Saturday morning. 

Landscaping tip of the Day: Spacing

When designing beds and deciding what to plant at your home,  always remember spacing.  A common occurrence I see at some properties is lack of spacing.  Plants, shrubs and flowers growing in to each others space.  You have to take in to account the natural maturity of plants and shrubs when deciding what to plant.  If you plant a row of yews that are in their first year of growing right beside each other,  then there will be no separation once they reach their full growth.  Plants need a certain amount of sun and moisture to remain healthy.  I have seen situations where a more aggressive plant will take sun and moisture from others and those plants will struggle.  If you have existing beds that have some spacing issues,  do not be afraid to cut a way some things to create a little more space.

That is all from me today.  Happy Thanksgiving!  Have a great weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

Although life may be a struggle at times,  when we truly take a look around,  there is always something to be thankful for.

Positivity

Well,  Sunday is here again and I am determined not to follow the trend from the last few weeks.  I want to enjoy today and not fret about what tomorrow may bring.  I want to maintain a positive mind frame and be present for Jodi and Ollie, instead of being encompassed by anxiety.

I am really looking forward to the NFL games today.  There are a lot of interesting match ups and I am sure there will be a few surprises along the way.  I went out on a limb and picked the Browns on Thursday night for my survival pool which worked out well.  Will be nice to see what games others picked and hope for some upsets.

It is a dreary day outside.  Rain is in the forecast for the next few days.  Great day to relax inside and catch up on some phone calls to family and friends.

Only four more weeks left of cutting grass and then fall clean ups will begin.  I have made it six months and want to push myself through the last 7 to 8 weeks.  I know how rewarding it will be when I make it to my last day.  I will have so much to be proud of and just have to take it one day at time for the remainder of the season.

I am going to post some landscaping tips once in a while.  I can pass on some of the many things I have learned over the last three years.  Hope you may find them useful.

Landscaping tip of the Day: Mulching

Mulching is an effective way to limit weeds and create and aesthetically pleasing look for beds and tree pits.  There are a few things to keep in mind when mulching.

1) Weeding-  It is important to makes some effort to weed beds before laying mulch.  If you simply lay mulch on a weed infested area,  the mulch will not be able to do its job.  Make sure beds are clean before application of mulch.  Small weeds should not pose a problem but, bigger weeds should definitely be take out.  A garden hoe can be a great tool to make weeding much less tedious.

2) Thickness- Mulch should be at least two inches deep in order to be effective.  Putting too much on is much better than laying a thin layer.

3) Quality- The quality of mulch you purchase will make a big difference in the success both in appearance and with weed control.

4) Application- depending on how many yards or bags you are using,  a wheelbarrow and a pitchfork are great for applying mulch.  If you have for example, two or three yards delivered,  you  can load wheelbarrows and dump the mulch in strategic places in the bed.  Use a a pitch fork to spread the mulch.  There will be a need to spread by hand in areas with plants, shrubs and flowers in close proximity.  When spreading mulch around trees,  be sure not to load the mulch right up to the tree base.  This is not healthy for the tree.  You should mound the mulch at least a foot a way from the trunk in order to trap water for the tree depending on the size of it.

5) How often?-  A good application of mulch should last for two years.  You can add a thin layer of mulch the following year to freshen things up.

6) When to mulch?- The best time to mulch is early in the season.  This ensures you get the best bang for your buck.  You can really mulch at any point of the season but, you may as well do it earlier to make maintaining your beds simpler.  You should wait until later in the spring to make sure the ground is not frozen.  Once the ground is fully thawed out, mulch on my friend.

Happy Mulching!

Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

Good Week

Instead of writing on Sunday about any stress or worry I may be experiencing,  I thought it would be best to start the weekend off with a positive post.

I had a great week this week.  I was back in a zone again.  I also had an opportunity to work quite a bit with Heather.  When I work with her,  their is no stress which makes it easier to deal with whatever the day may bring.  I was happy I had a chance to catch up with Dave this week and hear about all the great things going on in his life.  I had a really good time with my boss at the landscape meeting and quite enjoyed checking out some Deere equipment.  I also liked listening to the guest speaker who was articulate and got through a lot of information in a short amount of time.

Today was a good example of how far I have come.  We had a late start due to weather so I did not get to work until 9:30.  We got to our first property and Jessie realized the hydraulic fluid in the Ferris was out.  We have been having some issues with this a few times this year.  We had a bottle of what we were pretty sure was hydraulic fluid but, were not sure.  I called my boss to ask and decided to blow some leaves off the lawn as it was covered in order to make it easier cut.  I decided that if I had not heard back from my boss about the fluid,  we would just use the Deere to cut the lawn.  Now in the past,  a hiccup like this would have really thrown me.  I would have been completely stressed out and would not have been able to make a decision without worrying.  Instead,  I made a call quickly and did not concern myself too much about the Ferris.  We did not do anything to cause the problem so there was no point in worrying about it.  Just moved on and finished what we were there for.

Now the last few weekends have been a struggle for me as you may have read.  I am going to make a conscience effort to enjoy the entire weekend and not think about what Monday has in store.  As the past has taught me,  spending my time filled with self induced anxiety serves no purpose.  I cannot control anything other than the rest of my night tonight.  Living my time in the past or future is only going to stall my growth mentally.  I have come so far and want to continue to learn how to better cope with my thoughts.

I am feeling content at this moment.  Sitting on the couch with Ollie watching a movie with Jodi.  Life is good.

Have an amazing weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.


 “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
― Gautama Buddha

Monday Monday

Today I was not happy or sad,  I just was.  I managed to get through the day and even got off a bit early which was a really nice way to start the week.  I definitely was not as efficient as I normally am.  Things just seemed to take me longer than normal this morning.  I also got lost on the way to aerate a property I had never been to.  The GPS took me the wrong way and I was pretty frustrated.  I relaxed a little once I realized there was not much I could do about it at the time. The job got done and I know for next time.

I tweaked my back a little on Friday and started feeling some sharp pain on the lower right side on Saturday.  Has not loosened up yet and that was part of the reason I was done a bit early today.  I wanted to get in to see someone and managed to book an appointment tonight.  Our physiotherapy clinic is awesome and I know I will feel much better after they do some adjusting.  Our regular therapist, Anne, has been off for quite some time now with some serious medical issues.  We really miss her as she is such a great person and always takes good care of Jodi and I.  Hope she recovers soon.

I have three positive things to look forward to this week.  Tomorrow night,  we are meeting Dave and Meghan for wings.  We have not seen them since the wedding so it will be awesome to catch up.  I am going to the Landscape Ontario meeting near Cambridge on Wednesday night with my boss.  It should be a good meeting and I always enjoy chatting with my boss outside of work.  This weekend,  I will get to see my niece and nephew and catch up with the Chapman's.  I have not been able to hold Micah for quite some time as I was sick the last two times we have seen them.  Cannot wait to hold her in my arms and see how much she has grown.  Looking forward to hearing how Elias is enjoying school and spending some quality time with Leslie and Bart.  So if I get the downzies in the next few days,  I just have to remind myself of all the wonderful things coming up this week.

Happy Monday.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

Sunday

I took Ollie for a walk tonight and cried again.  I spent much of the afternoon today worrying about tomorrow when I should have nothing to worry about.  We had a great week last week and my boss was able to enjoy the three days he spent a way with some friends.  I really need to find somehow to correct this trend as I spend way too much time worrying about what the new week may or may not look like.  I make some mistakes along the way but,  more times than not, I do a good job.  I have overcome many obstacles and have done an effective job in a leadership role and need to remind myself of that more often.

I really should be seeing a therapist on a regular basis to process my thoughts but, there is not really the time during the season.  It is not fair to put all my mental strains on Jodi and I need to talk to a professional to help alleviate some of my struggles.  I really hope the next two months fly by so I can start back with my counselor from last winter.

I am proud of myself for pushing through this year.  It would have been easy to give up and let situations affect my success.  I have been drained physically and mentally but, pushed through.  I have been near my breaking point but, somehow found a way to fight my way to this point.  I sprained my ankle but, only missed one day.  I did not take a mental health day again this year although I am sure there were times when I needed one.  There are so many positives to hold on to and I need to mindful of those and deter negative thought processes.

I love being happy.  I love to smile. I love to laugh.  I love to share joy with others.  I have been missing those the last few weekends and need to find them again.  Jodi needs me to be strong and enjoy the down time we have together.  Ollie needs me to be a good companion to him and reciprocate the love that he shows me every day.

I hope you have a good week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Hope is not lost if we can hold on to the small triumphs in life. 

Happy Happy Happy

Well I happy to say that today went amazingly well.  I was still struggling this morning but,  my worry was quickly put to rest. All the anxiety I had created within my mind was again proven pointless.  I need to use past successes to help me realize that worrying serves no purpose.  No one created my mental strain other than myself.  My boss did want to talk to me about a pruning job I did.  I guess the customer was a little disappointed with my work.  He just wanted to point out a few things that need improvement.  I am very good at pruning but, if I want to be great, I need to take care of the little things better.  At times,  I have rushed and not payed attention to things like making sure the plant is cleaned out.  I will make every effort to improve and will continue to learn.

I was having some thoughts of suicide yesterday but, a day like today continues to show me that life is worth living.  It was a beautiful day as the sun was shining bright and the fall colours on the trees were in full affect.  I was able to work on a fairly big hedge and enjoyed the challenge.  The customer we worked for was so nice and she was really pleased with what we did.  She even commented on how hard we work which was good to hear.  My boss dropped of a coffee for us which I really appreciated.  I was getting a little tired so a little pick me up definitely hit the spot.

I do not mention my suicidal thoughts lightly.  I am just trying to be honest and let you in to part of my journey with bi-polar.  I do not choose to have those thoughts and would rather they did not come at all.  I have so many positive things to live for but,  at times,  those positives seem to have no relevance in my mind.  They certainly do not come as often which I am thankful for.  The healthier my mind becomes,  the less they seem to appear.  I just have to push through some harder moments and continue to remember how far I have come.

I was going to watch the football game but,  think I will just catch the Jays game.  Baseball is almost over and I am certain the Broncos will make quick work of the Raiders.  Was awesome to see Jodi and Ollie tonight.  I really missed them today and am looking forward to relaxing as a family tonight.

All the best in the upcoming week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Be kind to one another.

The Weekend Blues

I have not had a good weekend.  I have been anxious and worrying about tomorrow the last two days.  My mind has been racing and I cried again tonight as I am simply drained from mental unrest.  This all started Friday after work.  We finished forty five minutes early and I did not drop one of the machines off.  Now I am sure these two factors are of no consequence but,  I did not get a chance to double check.  I even sat in my car for twenty minutes and drove to a couple of properties to make sure I had made a reasonable call but, I did not get a chance to talk to my boss.

No one has said or done anything to me but, I have created so many scenarios in my mind.  I turn something small in to an immense struggle and it frustrates me.  I do not want to think like this and would much rather enjoy my time off with Jodi.  It must be hard for Jodi when I sink in to these depressions and she tries admirably to cheer me up and I do not make an effort to change my mindset.  If history has proven anything to me,  tomorrow will probably come and I will end up having a good day.  I could certainly do without the anguish leading up to it though.

We watched Tom Brady visit with an 18 year old make a wish patient today on NFL Countdown.  The young man had a rare heart condition and his prognosis is not very positive.  He walks around with a bag around his neck in order to take the medication he needs to survive.  This 18 year old was not bitter and did not feel sorry for himself.  He had a positive outlook and said something to the affect that God only puts the strongest people through the most difficult things.  I often ask God myself why he puts challenges before me when I seem to be heading in the right direction.  Perhaps he believes I am strong enough for it but,  at times I am not sure I am.  I often feel like giving up.  Tomorrow, I feel like hiding from the world curled up in our bed.

Take care,  Shawn.

Just because the anguish in a persons mind is not visible,  does not mean that it does not exist.

The Zone

I have been in a zone this week.  Everything has gone smoothly and I have been determined not to let things phase me as much.  Hitters in baseball often say that when they are in a zone,  the ball just looks so much bigger.  It has been similar for me at work this week.  Many of our big properties have seemed like small ones and have not overwhelmed me in the slightest.  I have also been a trimming machine and have carried a quiet confidence with me each day.  I did have the downzies for a brief time at one of our properties as I think the pace I set caught up with me a bit and just felt exhausted.  Normally in the past when I get the downzies,  they seem to control the outcome of the rest of my day.  They did not last long and I was able to finish the day strong and have a good night at home.  I did get pretty frustrated on Monday as we were doing a job that I was not too familiar with.  We were setting a new drainage pipe and I was having a difficult time for parts of the day.  I felt like a dumb ass when I did not have the measuring stick extended properly and my boss had to take his measurements over again.  I envy my boss as he knows so much about every aspect of landscaping and excels at whatever project he takes on.  I did learn a lot that day though and was proud of myself for pushing through.

I am watching the Eagles and Chiefs game tonight.  I have Vick in fantasy football and am hoping he lights it up again this week.  Should be an entertaining game and I have a feeling there will not be a shortage of scoring.  I love being involved in fantasy leagues as they are a good distraction for me.  They also help keep my competitive juices flowing as I do not play too many sports these days.

We have six more weeks left of grass cutting.  I am anxious to start fall clean ups.  The end of the season is so close and I am hoping the next two months fly by.  My body definitely needs some down time and I am looking forward to starting with my counselor again.  She is easy to talk to and am looking forward to letting her know how things have been going for me.  I have been off the last two years in time for American thanksgiving which I loved as I could catch the NFL games on the Thursday.  I have a feeling I may have to work longer than that but,  I guess time will tell.  I know I will certainly be excited when that last day comes and I can drive home thinking all I have accomplished this year.

I think part of my success over the last few months has been controlling my thoughts with better consistency.  My mind was sick for a long time and it has come a long way.  The problem in years gone by is that I gave my thoughts too much power.  If something messed up crossed my mind,  I would dwell on it and let it affect me.  Now I try to view thoughts as being transparent.  I attempt to let them just flow in one side of my head and out the other.  I have had every thought imaginable in my grey matter and it was difficult to separate the healthy mind from the sick mind at times.  I now know that my thoughts do not have to mean anything.  With having bi-polar 2,  I am going to have many thoughts that are not "normal" but, that does not mean I have to give them any value in terms of who I am as a person.  I know I am a good person and have changed dramatically over the last five years.  Yes,  I have made mistakes but,  I am moving forward with a new outlook on life in general. 

Hope this finds you well.  Have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

Peace is found within.

100

Today is my 100th blog post.  It is coming up on two years of this blog and it feels like yesterday that I started writing it.   It has helped me tremendously as it serves as a good reminder that I can push through anything.  I can look back at old posts and see that although life may have seemed bleak at times,  I found a way to persevere.  I hope if you have come across this somehow,  that it has helped you see some of what it may be like to live with a mental disorder.

I cried today for the first time in over a month.  The reason is of no relevance here and I feel fortunate to have made it so long without struggling too much in my mind.  Today just reminded me that my disorder is ever-present and I must continue to build on the success of the last few years.  I am going to have my moments at times but,  the positive thoughts seem to be outweighing the negative ones of late.

I have not taken a mental health day in two years and I am very proud of this.  I have had days off for other things but,  I have not been at a point where my mind was so distressed that I needed to ask for a day.  I have done my best to face challenges and push through bouts of depression when they presented themselves.

The thing I need to remind myself is that I always have a loving wife and amazing dog to come home to.  The most important things are family, friends and love.  I have all three in my life and it helps me stay balanced.  Some that struggle with mental health do not have those aspects in their lives and I feel grateful to have the supports I do.

This week is the last week for Paul at work.  Paul has truly amazed me this year.  He has come so far in such a short amount of time.  I was not sure when he first started but,  he has exceeded my expectations.  He has listened, learned and worked hard to do the best job he could.  I am going to miss working with him as he is such an easy guy to get along with.  I hope we cross paths in the future and perhaps we will get together for some wings in the winter.

Well that is it for post 100.  Hope this finds you in good spirits.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Birthday Elias and Karen!!!!

I would like to wish my nephew Elias and my mother in law Karen, a very Happy Birthday today.  Elias turned six and we just got back from his party in Oakville.  Was so great to see him on his big day and we had a lot of fun catching up with friends and family.  Karen is in PEI at the cottage and hopefully is having a wonderful day.

The last three weeks have been going really well.  I have a bit of the downzies today although they are not really warranted.  I worked on Saturday doing some trimming and pruning.  Jesse and I did a great job and the place looks quite nice.  I simply forgot to prune one bed at the front entrance.  We had already loaded up and I did not realize it until we had pulled out of the driveway.  I probably should have turned around but, it really is not a big deal at all.  I am making it out to be in my head though which is silly.  We will be going by there again this week and it will take twenty minutes to finish up.  No one is upset with me,  I am not going to be in big trouble tomorrow and there is no need to stress about it.  I take minor things at times and create bigger problems in my mind.  Instead of enjoying the rest of my weekend,  I spend too much energy worrying about an issue that nobody else is making big deal out of except for myself.  I need to continue to push to create positive outcomes in my mind rather than expecting the worse.  I am quite certain that tomorrow will go well and I will enjoy what I am doing.  I need to approach it like that regardless and know I can handle any situation that may arise.  As Jesse told me,  "Let the good days be great and let the bad days be nothing I cannot handle."

I am coming up on my 100th post which is something I never thought I would get to.  I started this as a hobby and have truly found it to be healing and hopefully helped share some of what it might be like to live with a mental disorder.  At times,  I wish that somehow I could have a new mind in order to avoid some of the inner battles I go through.  When I think about it though,  I would not have discovered so much about myself without the journey I have taken with bi-polar 2 disorder.  It has not been an easy road to travel but,  I have proven to myself and to others that I am capable of change.  I have hurt people along the way and I cannot take back some of my poor choices in life.  I sincerely hope the way I live my life now will show those I have impacted in a negative way,  that I am a person they would be proud to know.

Hope you have an awesome week.  Happy Sunday.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa

Happy Sunday

The past two weeks have been very positive.  My mind has grown stronger and I have been focusing on the present rather than the past or future.

Work has been going really well of late.  I have had a chance to do quite a bit of pruning which is where I am in my element.  When I prune plants,  my mind is at ease and I can simply focus on the plant in front of me.  We have had three big jobs in the past few weeks which we have basically finished now so perhaps things will slow down a bit for part of August.  I came in yesterday to finish off planting some cedars which turned out really well.  The customer was quite happy and it was nice to get my hands dirty to start the day.

One of the aspects of my job that I enjoy is transforming landscapes that have perhaps been neglected in the past in to visually appealing finished products.  It still amazes me what can be accomplished in a ten hour day.  At times when we start a job, it seems overwhelming looking at the scope of work.  We just focus on individual tasks at a time and I am always pleased to see how much we have finished at the end of the day.

We are having a relaxing long weekend at home with Ollie.  Just finishing our morning coffees and then I have to cut the grass here and then at my parents.  Probably catch some baseball this afternoon and then Dexter is on tonight.  Not quite sure what to expect after last weeks episode.  The writers for that show are truly gifted and really keep the viewer guessing.  Dave and Megs are on their honeymoon and sounds like they have got a tonne of rain.  Looking forward to seeing them when they get home and hearing about their trip to Thailand.

I believe part of the reason I was having such a hard time was that the two things I had used to help push me through had come to pass.  I had been looking forward to my beautiful niece Micah to be born and she is now a happy and healthy bundle of joy.  I was also using my trip to Dominican to witness Dave and Megs getting married and now that has come and gone.  In the depressed state I had been in,  I could not find new positive aspects of life to look forward to.  Now that my mind has settled down a bit,  I have found many exciting events in the future to keep me motivated.  The first is Jodi's birthday coming very shortly.  I will not tell you how old she is turning but,  I am looking forward to celebrating with her.  I am also looking forward to our long weekend with Meghan and Lincoln at the end of August.  We had a great time with them at the wedding and will be nice to catch up with them and do some boating as well.  There is also the start of the 2013 NFL season in September.  I cannot wait for the first kick off and watch my NFL red zone on Sundays.  I am also looking forward to fall as it is my favourite season of the year.  The falling leaves and the crisp morning air are just a few aspects of fall that I love.  So when I really put my mind to it,  there continues to be so many good things to use to motivate myself when I am feeling a bit low.

I hope you are enjoying your long weekend.  Have a great week ahead.  Take care,  Shawn.



“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
― Albert Camus

Lessons Learned

I worked almost twelve hours today and loved every minute of it.  I am thankful to still have a job that I love and be able to breathe in the fresh air on this beautiful day.

As I mentioned yesterday, I was quite anxious about today.  All my fear and anxiety over the past week was my own doing and I am thankful to be moving forward at a place I enjoy being.  I had a good chat with my boss and feel comfortable moving forward. I still wish the Friday before I left had gone differently as I had really looked forward to the trip to Dominican and I did not enjoy it nearly as much as I should have. All because of not cutting a church on Thursday at 6:00.

I have learned some valuable lessons over the the last few weeks which I would like to touch on.  The first is that the written word is a powerful tool and should be used with care.  Writing can make people laugh and fill them with joy but, it can also hurt people you truly care about.  I learned that the hard way and will never use this blog in such a manner again.  I love writing in this to share my journey regarding mental illness but,  I will never disregard my good sense and moral compass in the future.

The second thing I learned is that it is best to deal with situations head on.  If I simply had the courage to say what I was feeling in the moment, then it would never have come to all of this anguish in my head.  I find it difficult to do so at times but, it sure beats the hell out of what I have put myself through over the last week.

The third thing I learned is that I need to think before I react to things.  I cannot take things so personally and although it may be challenging with my disorder,  it is an aspect of my life that needs improvement.  I need to develop some thicker skin and let things slide off my shoulders more.  I am a good person and strive to contribute to my family the best I can.  I cannot let situations affect the many positive aspects of my life.

The last but, certainly not the least, is that I have an incredible life partner in Jodi.  She has been instrumental in my life and helped me push through this last week.  On the way home,  I was remembering all the amazing aspects of our trip to the Dominican.  Those positive memories I took home with me would not have been possible without Jodi.  She makes me want to be a better person every day and to push myself through times of darkness, fighting for hope.

I want to congratulate Dave and Meghan on their wedding.  They make a wonderful pair and have no doubt that they will share an incredible life journey together.  I owe Dave so much and I am thankful that he has found such an amazing woman to share his life with.  Hope you have an awesome honeymoon filled with laughter and joy.  Safe travels.

I was thrilled to see Ollie again last night.  Felt like I had been a way from him for a month.  It filled me with such joy to see him run up to me again wagging his tail.  I missed him a lot and hope to take him for some good plays this weekend.

Hope you have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Let the good days be great and let the bad ones be nothing that I cannot handle.  Jesse Reed

Last Day

It is our last day here on this beautiful island in Dominican. It has been a challenging week for me personally but, we have tried to make the best of it. After a week a go Friday when I had a really hard time, I wrote a blog with my emotions rather than with my head. I just needed to vent and had meant to take it down the next morning. Alas it was read and I got an e mail on my first morning of vacation about how disappointing my words were in my blog. My intentions were never to insult anyone but I still should not have wrote it. Just wish those few days before the trip had gone a lot differently. I have been looking forward to this trip for a year now and have spent much of the week in a depression. I have cried on numerous occasions and have had some intense suicidal thoughts. All I have been able to think about is this coming Monday morning and what is going to happen to me. Not sure if I have the strength to face it. It is often forgotten as I function well at times that I have a serious mental disorder. Nobody can realize how many negative thoughts and emotions run through my head on a daily basis. I sat on the beach on Dave's wedding night crying for twenty minutes asking God what I am supposed to do. I try so hard to live a good life but, it is difficult to constantly fight inner battles.  Nothing is worth my life but, it becomes increasingly painful to carry such negative emotion. One thing this trip had shown me is that I have lots if people that love and care about me. So many good people and things to live for so I will do my best to push through. Another thing I realized again on this trip is how amazing Jodi is. She did not let me sink deeper this week but, pushed me to do activities to help me focus in other things. Always making sure I just took it one moment at a time. I love her dearly.

Hope you had a good week. Take care, Shawn.

Micah Francis Hope

Micah Francis Hope

It is with profound joy that I introduce my niece, Micah Francis Hope.  She was born on the fourth of July at 6lbs, 10 ounces.  She is beautiful and I cannot wait to hold her for the first time.  Micah is in good hands at Credit Valley Hospital and seems as though she is a healthy baby girl.  I am certain she will be fine as Amaya will be watching over her little sister and helping her stay strong.  The gift of Micah is truly a blessing and I am so thankful to have her in our lives.  Happy Saturday Micah.  Love ya,  Uncle Shawn.

Renewed Strength

I would first like to start by wishing my nephew Rylen a belated first birthday.  He is definitely part of my inner strength and hopefully he will know one day how much he means to me.  It was so wonderful to have a chance to visit with him and my awesome sister in law Deb a few weeks a go.  My brother Ry was in Jordan so I did not get to see him but, hopefully will have a chance to go visit at some point.

Today was just what the doctor ordered.  I did end up having the day off due to some inclement weather.  I could have got a few hours in but, I am thankful for the day I had at home.  I have a renewed strength and am determined to push through my little funk.  I saw my Uncle Jerry today as I fertilized his lawn amidst a light drizzle.  I told him I had been struggling a bit and he passed on some words of wisdom to me.  He told me that life will throw shit at you all the time but, that does not matter as long as you have someone who loves you.  I have lots of people who love me and in particular, Jodi and Ollie.  They love me the same when I get home regardless of how my day was and that is a comforting fact.  A psychologist once told me that work does not have to define you as a person.  I try to live that but, it is a challenge at times as most of us spend more time at work than at home.

The thing that I have to remember is that I am good at what I do and I enjoy what I do.  I would struggle in any vocation at times and I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to be outside and breathe in the fresh air.  I enjoy the people I work for and with as they are a big part of my life.  Our company is small and feels like a family.  And like any family, their will be growing pains.  I will get frustrated and others will be frustrated with me but at the end of the day, I know that we would be there for each other when it counts.  I still remember Heather coming down to Amaya's visitation which meant the world to me knowing she cared that much about me and our family.

My mind at the present time is at peace and I am looking forward to facing a new day tomorrow.

Happy Monday.  Take care,  Shawn.

Rain helps nature grow in to the many beautiful landscapes that surround us.  

Hoping for Rain

I am pulling for a rain day tomorrow. Work has been draining mentally and physically. I could really use an extra day.  I kind of wish there was only one month to go and not six. Just not having fun and is very stressful. Smitty and I are carrying quite a bit of the work load and it is taking its toll. We got in shit the other day as we rushed a property late in the day and it did not look as sharp as it normally does.  I understood what he was talking about when we went back there to fix it up.  I bagged a lot of it and it looks pretty sharp now.

Ninety per cent of the time we do an awesome job and I am proud of what we have accomplished with such an inexperienced crew. I know I am damn good at cutting and pruning and know that there would be a big void if  I was not there. I went through a similar stretch last year and everything turned out fine. I remember stopping at Dave's after work once and letting it all out. Tears flowed from my eyes like a river and I was sure I could not face another day working. But here I am a year later trying to push through again. Many people with bi-polar or other mental illnesses are unable to work. I can relate to that and feel fortunate to be able to make an attempt at staying employed. I have spent the weekend stressed and  strained with worry but, I will face whatever the new day brings tomorrow. I will write again soon to let you know how it went. Also have to catch up on a few things. Take care. Shawn.                                


Positive should outweigh negative.

Three in a Row

I am happy to announce that I have had three good weeks in a row.  It may not seem like much but, I have not had three straight weeks of mental stability in the last ten years or so.  I have been able to maintain a balance and not let events affect me the way they normally do.  I have realized that things will go wrong at times but, that I have a choice in how I handle them.  I normally have let mishaps throw me off for long periods of time and take mistakes far too personally.  Shit happens and I am learning to cope with that fact of life a little easier.

I will give you an example from last week.  I was doing the circle checks and my boss asked me to check the oil on our walk behind mower, the Ferris.  It had been burning too much oil so we had to keep an eye on it.  I took out the dip stick and their appeared to be a little piece of grass stuck to the end of it.  I was simply trying to wipe it off before I stuck the dip stick in to check the oil.  As my luck would have it,  I ended up snapping off the end of the dip stick.  I let out some profanities and walked over to show my boss the blunder I made.  He was wondering how I managed to break it but, was very kind in not making a big deal over it.  Now this little mishap would have thrown me off for an entire day in the past.  I would have stressed out over my stupidity and let me mind run rampant with negative thoughts about myself for the duration of the day.  In this case,  I too tried to shrug it off and ended up having an awesome day of cutting with Paul.

I want to ride this momentum as long as I can.  There is no reason I cannot continue this trend of a positive mental state.  I have been focused on controlling my thoughts and not letting them control me and my emotions.  I have not been thinking of jumping off bridges or driving a way on a cross country tour.  I have been thinking of the future and what possibilities the future may bring.  I like the way May is going and I want to continue the trend in to June.

I did my second independent job yesterday which was top dressing for my Uncle Jerry.  Uncle Jerry and Aunt Nancy as we call them have been family friends for a long time.  They are wonderful people and have had a great impact on my life.  I was able to work along side Jerry and finish the top dressing job in a reasonable time frame.  We ended up using three yards of top soil and had enough seed for the majority of the trouble spots.  I really hope the seed takes like I believe it should,  cannot wait to see how it is doing in a month or so.  If you ever top dress your lawn,  make sure you are watering it a lot.  Laying down soil and seed is a great way to repair lawns. However,  if you do not water it enough in warmer temperatures, then your efforts will simply not be rewarded.

I ended up making some good money for my efforts and took Jodi out to a movie last night.  We ended up seeing Pain and Gain which was not quite what I expected.  I did enjoy it though and was nice to finally get out of the house on a Saturday night.  I will cut the grass this morning and do some weeding in our beds.  Then will more than likely watch the Jays game with Matt.

Happy Sunday.  Take care,  Shawn.

If there is a problem,  look for a solution.

Amaya Charlotte Grace

Today we remember the life of Amaya who sadly passed a way a year a go today.

I never got to hold her in my arms or lay her tiny hands in mine.  I take solace in the people she was surrounded with in her short time on earth.  She was with three of the most incredible people I know, my sister Leslie, brother in law Bart and my wonderful nephew Elias.  Her parents and brother showered her with love and affection and I am sure she took that warmth with her to Heaven.

The sky line tonight is absolutely stunning.  The clouds are spread out amidst a crimson sunset.  It is fitting that on such a somber day, God fills the sky with such brilliance before the sun goes down.  I know Amaya is up there with him watching over us tonight.

Amaya has had more impact on my life in such a short amount of time than many people I have known my whole life.  I often look up in to the sky at night and look for the brightest star and know she is there.  If I am struggling at times,  I ask her to help me through and she always does.

The pain of losing Amaya will never fully go a way.  We can celebrate her life and strive to live a life she would be proud of.  I will never completely understand why she was taken from us so soon and perhaps I never will.  I can only keep her close to my heart and hope that when my time comes,  I will have that chance to meet her.

Take care little one. Uncle Shawn.  ttt

Happy Mothers Day

Wanted to wish everyone a happy mothers day today.  We had a chance to have brunch with my mom today and were treated to an awesome meal made by Matt.  My gift was the front lawn and a sprinkle of mulch to freshen up the front bed.  I had something else in mind too but,  the weather was not exactly ideal for planting annuals.  We actually had some snow here and their was definitely a chill in the air.

I am fortunate to have my mom in my life.  She has been with me through my ups and downs and I am grateful to have her consistent love with me.  I hope the changes I have made in my life have made her proud of me and that I can continue to grow in to the man, the son, the brother, the friend and the husband I know I can be.

I am also thinking of my sister today.  This is the first mothers day since Amaya passed a way last year and it must bring with it a mixture of emotions.  My sister is a strong, vibrant, caring, loving and compassionate mother and I know Amaya will always be in her heart.  Elias is fortunate to have a mother like Les to help guide him through life.  They are expecting another addition to their family very soon and I cannot wait to meet my new nephew or niece.  My thoughts and prayers will certainly be with them in the coming months.

I have had two positive weeks in a row.  I have been challenging my mind more often and fighting to maintain a sense of stability.  I am encouraged by my progress and can only hope I can continue to grow within myself.  I do need to stop worrying so much as most times, there is absolutely no need to stress about things. Much of the anxiety or worry is built up in my mind and never amounts to much in reality. 

Going to watch the Leafs game now.  Game six in Toronto, should be fun to watch.  All the best in the upcoming week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Live, Laugh, Love.

One Month Down, Seven to Go

Well, I have made it through the first month of the 2013 landscaping season.  I must say that it has gone much better than I expected thus far.  There have been some challenges along the way but,  I am mindful of the good progress we have made so far.  I am in the midst of my best week mentally so far this year which I am thankful for.  I am really starting to accept being a lead hand and the responsibilities that go along with it.  I honestly thought I would not be able to handle it but, have proven myself wrong in the last few weeks.  I take the leadership role very seriously and have high expectations in terms of performance.  I have pushed myself perhaps a bit too hard physically recently and need to pace myself more at times.

Jessie and Paul are doing really well considering this is basically their first year doing this type of landscaping.  I am far from knowing everything there is to know but, I am trying to pass on some of what I have learned.  I believe patience is the key.  There are going to be some growing pains with grass cutting until we learn how to work cohesively and they get accustomed to the big machines.  I just have to take each day as it comes and go from there.

Many of the things I have worried about, have worked themselves out.  I was worried about using the brush this year but, have become quite adept at running it.  I was worried about getting lost but, have only had one little blip in that regard.  I was worried about having such a new crew but, have been pleasantly surprised.  There are some thing coming up such as sodding jobs which I am a bit apprehensive of but, I am sure that will work out fine as well.  Grass cutting season has basically started and that is something I excel at.  Summer pruning will be here before you know it and that is also something I seem to have a knack for.  I need to believe in my abilities and do the best job I possibly can.  I want to make my boss and his wife proud and maintain the strong reputation of their company.

I am not sure why I am watching the Jays as they once again are putting forth a lack luster effort.  I feel badly for the GM of the Jays as he did everything that has been asked of him.  The players on the field are simply not living up to expectations and something needs to change soon or it will be a long year in the basement of the American League East.

Took Ollie for a good play tonight.  He needed a good run as we have not had much time to get him some good exercise this week.  Jodi had a fun two and half hour drive back home from Toronto today.  Always fun on the 401, hard to believe the Pan Am Games are coming here in 2015.  The city is simply no where near being ready to host such a world class event.  Hope they can pull it together in the next few years.

That is all for me tonight.  Take care,  Shawn.

A compliment is free to give but, it is worth its weight in gold.

Monday, Monday

Monday is always the toughest day for me as I am sure it is for a lot of people.  I was feeling a little off yesterday and today seemed like it may be a struggle for me mentally.  Turned out to be one of my best Mondays ever and Smitty was not even in today as he was sick.  I worked with Jessie and Paul and they both did really well. We made some great progress in the ten hours we worked and I am proud of our efforts.  I realize their will be some stumbles along the way but, today was quite encouraging for me.  I even got to show Jessie how to use the Ferris which was important as grass cutting is right around the corner.

I appreciate the good days and need to write about them as well.  There is no point in focusing simply on negative aspects as their is so many positives to hold on to.  I need to start checking my mind when it starts going a bit off course and remember that days like these are possible on a more consistent basis.  I have been going to bed early and sleeping through the night which has really helped.  I also have so many wonderful things to look forward to in the next few months and need to push myself when I am low so I can truly enjoy the wedding and the birth of my new nephew or niece.

We are watching Duck Dynasty which I have become infatuated with.  There is just something about the simplicity of the show that draws me in.  The cast of characters make me laugh and I really enjoy seeing what they get up to next.  No Jays on tonight which I am actually thankful for.  Toronto is really starting to piss me off with their losing ways.  I am not as prone to watch them now until they start putting forth a better effort all around.

Hope you have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Some days surprise you.

The Brave Soul

My brother Matt has had a very difficult week.  Last Monday,  he was admitted to St Michael's hospital in Toronto.  He was having difficulty breathing and severe pain in his chest.  They put him in to triage immediately and he ended up in the cardiac care unit.  They believe a viral infection had been in his system for weeks and had spread to the heart, causing fluid to build up around it.  They drained almost a litre of fluid from around his heart.  We saw him Monday night and he was not doing well.  He was having a real tough time breathing and in a lot of pain.  They gave him morphine to help with the pain and he had oxygen tubes in his nose.  He worsened over night and needed an oxygen mask to breathe on Tuesday.  I visited him Tuesday and spent a lot of time wiping his forehead and neck down as he was sweating profusely.  They are still not certain what the root cause of all of his symptoms were but, they are leaning towards a Lupus diagnosis.  He is doing much better now and we even took him for a walk outside yesterday.  He has had all the tubes and lines removed and thankfully no longer needs a catheter.  I realize that at some point in my life I may need to have one but, I am absolutely not looking forward to it judging by the description Matt gave me.

I am so thankful that he has pulled through. He was a brave soul as it was truly touch and go at the beginning of the week. He is fortunate he got to the hospital when he did.  I know there was many thoughts and prayers going his way and I appreciate the support we got from friends and family.  Matt has always been there for me and is a big part of my life.  It hurt to see him in so much anguish and I am relieved that he seems to be heading in the right direction.

It was a long week for everyone and certainly some sleepless nights.  I did manage to catch up on some sleep towards the end of the week.  I took Tuesday off to be with Matt and worked the rest of the week.  We had a half day Wednesday so I was able to go down with Jodi on Wednesday night too.

Work is going alright all things considered.  I have put a lot of pressure on myself and it has affected me at times but, I am trying to push through.  Smitty has come back to help us for a month which has been nice.  I am wondering though how it will affect me when he leaves at some point.  I am just getting used to having him around again and having him there to lean on.  I really do not have much confidence moving in to the rest of the season with two inexperienced crew.  They are both awesome guys but,  have no where near the experience that Smitty has.  I hoping that in some weird twist of fate, that he ends up being with us for the rest of the season.  It is not just that he is a good guy to be around,  it is that we can trust each other when we are on a job.  We do not have to worry about what the other one is doing.  The properties we work on are pretty high end and there is a certain level of quality that is expected.  I really do not know if we can maintain that quality in a reasonable time frame without having Smitty around. I just have to do the best I can do and try not to worry too much about things I do not control. I cannot push myself too hard to make things up or I will ultimately break down mentally and physically.  As someone once told me, sometimes you just have to say fuck it and see what happens.

I was feeling down this morning but, managed to turn it around this afternoon.  We got a chance to visit with Bart, Les and Elias.  I helped with some pruning and yard work.  Jodi got to read a book with Elias and catch up with Les.  I love going to visit them as they are just good people to be around.  Looking forward to seeing them in a few weeks.

That is all for me tonight.  I will try to write a bit more this week.  Ollie is curled up beside me and we are watching some Amazing Race.  Pizza is in the oven for a late dinner.  Heading to bed soon as I start early this week and get up a half hour earlier.

Hope this finds you in good spirits.  Take care,  Shawn.

The path to the top of the mountain may be full of peril but,  the view will be worth every step.

Good Day

Yesterday was a really good day.  If every day was like that, I would be quite content.  I worked with Heather down in Brampton finishing off a clean up and it went really well.  She is so easy to work with and there was no stress involved.

The funny thing about yesterday was that I had been crying on the way to work.  I was about ten minutes a way and my emotions kind of hit me again.  I had got lost on Thursday and had become really frustrated.  I carried that in to Thursday night and Friday morning.  I was half expecting a rain day come Friday and was surprised when it was clear in the morning.  I was thinking that I would have a shitty day and never expected things would turn out the way they did.  I am proud that I pulled myself together to have a positive experience. In the past I might have asked my boss to go home but, I pushed through it. The property we worked on looks sharp and I am sure they will be happy with the work we did.  I know not every day will go that smoothly but, I need to remember the feeling I got at the end of the day yesterday and use it in the future to achieve success.

Just got back from watching the Leafs game with Jodi and my brother Matt at my parents place.  I can say now with absolute certainty that Toronto is now in the play offs for the first time in nine years.  I was actually at game six against the Flyers in 2004 when Roenick put it top shelf in overtime, what a game that was.  I am actually pretty excited about their play off push.  I do not normally watch much hockey but, this will be fun to watch.  Was great to hang out with my brother tonight.  He is an awesome guy and has so much to offer.  I know he has lots of good things ahead of him.  I have missed my parents quite a bit as they have been a way in Cuba.  They will be back in the next few days and it will be great to catch up with them and hear about their trip.

Tomorrow is Sunday which I have typically reserved for worrying and anxiety as you may remember from last weeks post.  I am determined to enjoy the day tomorrow and not think too much about the week ahead.  It is not fair to Jodi for me to be down in the dumps on a day we should be enjoying together.  I have some odds and ends to do around here and some pruning to do at my parents.  I would love to take a chain saw to some of their tree branches but,  I should probably check with my mom first.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care because we care.  Shawn.

The mind can be your worst enemy but, it can also be one of your greatest allies.

Sunday

I have the downzies today.  Sundays always seem to pose a challenge for me.  Stressing out about the week ahead.  Self doubt creeping in again.  Feeling as though failure is imminent. My mind going to negative places and feeling as though there has to be an easier way out.

I do not write about these struggles for any type of pity.  I have bi-polar and I do my best to live every day the best I can.  I simply want people to know how real mental illness is and the toll it can take on someone.  Sure, it is natural to worry about things.  It is not natural to think of jumping off a bridge or taking off and never coming back.  It is not like I choose to think like this, who would really.  It is not a pleasant way to spend my time and I need to construct better strategies to cope.

We did go for a walk in Elora today which helped clear the head a bit.  There are quite a few nice little shops there and it was wonderful to get some fresh air.  We stopped for a coffee and some delicious cookies.  We went to look at the river as it has been extremely high of late.  I do like Elora as it still has that small town feel.  Fergus has grown so much and has lost a lot of its charm.

I worked yesterday cleaning up fallen trees and branches.  It was an intense and stressful day but, I made it through.  I am really hoping I get to work with Heather tomorrow.  I find when I work with her, my stress level decreases immensely.  She is such a nice person and easy to work with.  I still hope that Smitty will roll in to the shop one morning but, I need to get that out of my head as it is not happening. 

I have always had issues with employment in my life.  I cannot remember a job that I did not have a hard time coping.  This is the longest I have been with one place.  I do not want it to be another thing that I fail at.  I have to remind myself that I can only do the best I can.  Yes, I will get in shit at times.  Yes, some days will be stressful.  But I do have a lot of attributes that could help me succeed if I just take it one day at a time.  If I can make it through this season, there is nothing I could not accomplish.

I think what I am doing this instant is the only profession that I could maintain balance,  being a writer.  I realize it will probably not come to fruition but, stranger things have happened.  I got my first comment on my blog from someone and I would like to thank them for their encouraging words.  I worry at times that I share to much on these pages but,  I feel like what I have been through mentally is pointless if I cannot share my story with others.

That is it for me tonight.  Remember that tomorrow is a new day filled with promise.

Take care,  Shawn.

So far, So good

This is the first week with everyone back.  Heather and Jessie started on Tuesday and Paul will start at the beginning of May.  It was quite different being the lead hand and I have felt comfortable in the role so far.

Monday was a challenging day for me.  I was working by myself changing oils on the machines.  Everything went quite smoothly as it was my first time doing something like that.  Then I had trouble getting one of the bolts to go back in after I had changed the oil.  It was frustrating me to no end and my boss was not around to ask about it.  I was pacing around and swearing under my breath.  I went to the front to cut down some grasses for a change of pace and then the hurricane hit me.  All of my anxieties and fears kind of hit me all at once and I broke down.  I probably cried for fifteen minutes.  I was trying to hold things together but, was finding it difficult.  I did calm down a bit and managed to change the oil on one more machine before my boss got back.  Turns out that the bolt that had me in a tither did not go all the way back in to begin with as it had a different kind of thread.  So from one damn bolt, I worked myself in to an emotional wreck.  Funny how my mind works sometimes.

I managed to get a bit of sleep and woke up for the work day on Tuesday.  It was my first day as lead hand and I was a little anxious but, feeling fairly positive about what lay ahead.  I met Jessie and we got the truck and trailer ready for the season.  Some vacuuming and checking to see if we had all the right tools on the truck. So with that out of the way,  we went to meet Heather at one of our properties to start some spring clean up.  I gave Heather a big hug and it was so amazing to have her their as part of our team again.  My boss dropped by to show us a few things and then we continued on with the clean up.  I did a fair bit of dogwoods and took a lot out of them.  The things I had learned with my boss the previous two weeks really gave me the confidence to really thin them out the way they are meant to be.  I even got to use my echo to prune some upright Junipers.  I finished the afternoon helping my boss finish a small pruning job and then the rain shut down our day around five.  I was really happy with how the day turned out and drove home with a smile on my face.  Everyday will be different so I try to take comfort in small triumphs.

Today was up in the air as the weather did not look too promising.  We managed to get in three hours fixing a cedar rail fence.  Jessie and I got in a good rhythm and I am really proud of how the fence is turning out.  We worked in the rain for most of the time we were there and I finally decided to call it a day.  It was another good day and I got a chance to catch up on some errands around town this afternoon.  Does not look like we will do much landscaping tomorrow as it is going to snow but, we might get a bit of shoveling in.  I am happy either way tomorrow.  I do not mind working and I have lots I can do around the house.  Guess I will find out in the morning.

We are just watching the end of the Jays game.  They managed to claw back after being in a big hole and are now winning by two in the ninth inning.  Hope their bullpen can hold down the fort in the bottom half.  Would be nice to get in the win column after a slow start to the season.

Hope you are having a great night.  Take care,  Shawn.

Happy Wednesday!!!!

First Week in the Books

I finished my first week back at work and it went better than I expected it would.  As I have learned in the past,  things are never as bad as I make them out in my mind.  I worked with my boss all week as the new guy Jessie is not starting till this coming Tuesday.  I learned a tonne from my boss and feel more confident moving forward.  I found that the more questions I asked, the more I learned.  Seems like a simple concept but,  it was something I should have been doing more of.  We did a lot of pruning trees and shrubs.  I learned what it meant to thin out a plant properly and not being afraid to open it up.  We worked on some Forsythias, Dogwood, Rose of Sharons, Nest Pines and a few others.  I also did some work on some of our machines this week including some sharpening of the tools.  I also learned how to check spark plugs and filters; I did more mechanical work this week than I had in my whole life.  I am even changing oil on Monday which I have always wanted to do.

The snow is slowly disappearing so we should be able to start some of the spring clean ups next week.  I am a little anxious as it will be my first week in charge of the truck.  Just have to have confidence in my own abilities and facilitate a good team effort.  Heather should be working with us a bit which I am very thankful for.  We can help each other out and make sure we do an awesome job on clean ups to maintain the amazing reputation our company has.  I did work by myself yesterday afternoon which was good for me.  There is something therapeutic about working by yourself and it was good experience for me moving forward.  I still think Smitty will pulling in on Tuesday but,  I know that is not in the cards at the moment.  Would just have made things simple.

We are heading to Drayton tonight for dinner with Jenn and Scott.  Jenn works with Jodi at school and is a lot of fun.  Looking forward to it as I hear we are having some homemade pizza which I love so it should be a good night.  Will miss watching the Jays but, we can catch the game tomorrow afternoon.  Going for breakfast with my parents tomorrow morning.

Have a great weekend.

Take care,  Shawn.

Life is not always easy but, it is certainly worth fighting for.

A New Day

Today was a much better day mentally for me which I am very thankful for.  I got an amazing e-mail from a friend and it helped me relax a little bit in terms of starting work again.  I know there will be challenges along the way but, I cannot worry about everything that may or may not happen.  All I can do is work hard and do the best job I can on a daily basis.  Everything else will hopefully take care of itself.

I am going in to do some tree pruning with my boss tomorrow.  Will be good to be outside again and haul some branches.  I do not do much of the cutting but, I do learn a lot about tree pruning from watching my boss work.  Will be a great way to ease back in to it and make a bit of money in the process so I can get my passport renewed for the wedding.

I found out that we got one of our old properties back from a few years a go.  I love cutting it with the Deere as you can really make it stand out on the street if you get your lines right.  Maybe I will post a picture sometime and you can judge for yourself.

I will miss Smitty a lot but, maybe this will be a good challenge for me personally.  I was even looking online last night to see how to prune roses in the spring as it was something that I was not too familiar with.  And who knows,  maybe Smitty will end up in the truck at some point.

Might check out the Leafs and Bruins tonight.  I do not watch much hockey but,  it should be a good tilt tonight.  I really hope the Leafs can hold on to their play off spot, would be nice to finally watch them make a run at the cup.

Have a good night.

Take care,  Shawn.

Anxiety

The last few days have not been very enjoyable for me.  I have been going through an abnormal amount of anxiety about the upcoming season.  I just found out that Smitty will not be coming back this year.  He left it too long and someone else was already hired to replace him.  In my head,  I had always envisioned that he would be coming back as I have been texting with him for the last month.  Smitty and I worked so well together and played of each others strengths.  You would be hard pressed to find a better maintenance crew than us and I am so disappointed he is not coming back.  I do not do well when plans in my head do not come to fruition and have been struggling immensely for the last few days.

I am worried that I will not be able to handle work without Smitty.  I am worried that I will not remember how to get to some places.  I am worried I will fuck up and not live up to expectations.  I am worried I would not be able to fix something if it broke down.  I am worried that our productivity will be down without Smitty and Marcel.  I am worried my mind will not be able to handle the changes and break down on me again. I am worried about all aspects of work and I have not even put one day in.

I feel added pressure to succeed as I have to save for Dave's wedding and if I mess things up at work, it would put that in jeopardy.  I feel added pressure as I have bills to catch up on and cannot do that unless I succeed in the next few months.  I have put the weight of the world on my shoulders which is unfair to myself but,  that is how my mind works and I am fucking tired of it.  I feel like disappearing but, that will not solve anything.

Yesterday was a bad day.  I was having what I imagine were panic or anxiety attacks.  I was breathing fast and cried for fifteen minutes or so.  I was in a dark place and my thoughts turned to some shitty alternatives.  I tried to think of positive things to look forward to which helped a bit.  There is my sister and the upcoming birth of my new nephew or niece.  I need to be strong for her and try to push through to help them in any way I can in the next few months.  I thought of Dave and the upcoming wedding.  I want so much to be there and be a good best man.  Dave has been a good friend for so long and I do not want to disappoint him.  It will be a great vacation for Jodi and I too and I am looking forward to it.  Those are two big positive things in life I have tried to hold on to the last few weeks.

I cannot predict the future but,  I am hoping that things turn out for the best.  I want to be a positive, supportive and productive member of our family and give Jodi and Ollie the man they deserve.  I have to try to get out of my own head a bit and give myself a break sometimes.  The way I have been processing things has be counter productive.  Fortunately, I have a counseling appointment this week so hopefully I can talk some of these issues out and come up with a plan.

Hope this finds you well.  Wish I had more of an uplifting blog today but, I had to get some of my thoughts out on this page.  Thanks for listening.

Take care,  Shawn.

Happy Tuesday

I had a first aide course today with my boss down in Guelph.  I have probably take first aide and cpr five or six times before but,  it was definitely good to do a refresher.  You never know when it may become useful, may even save a life one day.

I was at a landscape maintenance course last week in Milton.  I learned a lot and am really glad I was fortunate enough to go.  There was a tonne of information to take in but,  it helped my level of confidence which is a  big part of why I wanted to go.  The best part was on the Monday when we learned about mechanical shit.  I learned more in one day than I have in my entire life about how things run and picked up some great tips.  The course made me anxious to get back to work and start shaping some plants again.

I do have some anxiety around going back but, it does not appear to be as bad this time.  I know what to expect for the most part and know the majority of our properties.  There is the matter of who I will be working with this season.  Marcel is not coming back and Smitty is on the fence right now.  So I know I will be working with one new guy and if Smitty does not come back, I will have a lot more responsibility which I am pretty nervous about.  Those are things that are out of my control though, so I should not worry too much about them right now.  I have faith in my own abilities and my work ethic has never been in question.  That is all I can control,  my own effort.  I know shit will create havoc in my mind at times but,  I just have to continue to strive for more good days than bad ones.  I want to break previous cycles and be better at adapting to situations as they arise.  I have to understand that even if someone gets pissed of at me, it is not an attack on my personal character.  Shit just happens sometimes.

Jodi is off for March break this week so it has been awesome to have some time together.  We have to start making some plans for the wedding soon.  We both have to get passports again so we need to start that process in the very near future as July will be here before we know it.  Ollie has been doing really well lately.  I am sure he is excited about the milder temperatures as it means he gets out for more exercise.  Got him a treat for dinner tonight so he was pretty happy with me today.

That is all for now.  Have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Too much stress is something that should be avoided.  Take some time for yourself and breathe in some of the simplicity of life.

A Special Moment

Just wanted to share this video with you today.

http://youtu.be/pV4Gp-YcwlY

Just highlight this, right click it and then open link.

It will definitely make your day.  Wish there was more stories like this in life.

Happy Tuesday.  Take care,  Shawn.

Dog Park

I took Ollie to the dog park today with great hesitation.  It has been over a year since I last took him there as he was attacked a few times by aggressive dogs.  Ollie is a very passive dog and aggressive dogs sense that and see it as weakness.  Ollie has the size to defend himself but, he has not quite figured that out yet.  I kept him on leash there today just to get him accustomed to it again.  A few dogs came up to him and he is still skittish around them.  I was nervous too as Ollie means the world to me and did not want anything to happen to him.  I think I will see if we can start with some play dates with individual dogs before I perhaps take him to the the dog park again.  There was almost fifteen dogs there today which was not conducive to easing him back in to it.

I do not have much planned this week but,  am feeling fairly positive about things.  I started running at the gym today again which helped boost my energy a bit.  I was having trouble motivating myself over the last week to get to the gym so today was a good step.  I am playing in a co-ed volleyball tournament this Saturday which should be fun.  It costs forty bucks which is a bit more than I would like to spend on a tournament but,  I will be seeing a lot of people we know so it should be worth it.  I normally do not enjoy indoor co-ed volleyball but,  think this will be a good experience.

I start my landscape maintenance course next week which is very exciting.  It means my week is fully booked and I will learn some cool shit in the process.  It also means than I will be one week closer to spring and getting back to work.  I am so glad that I made the decision to go back this year and I hope I will see a familiar face, Smitty, when April 1rst rolls around.  I do have apprehensions but,  that is natural.  It is a difficult transition after being off but,  I am looking forward to a smoother one this time around.

Not much planned for tonight other than watching The Following on CTV.  We have watched it from the beginning and are now hooked on the show.  I believe the Leafs and Raptors play tonight too so will be checking in on them as well.  I am really hoping the Raps find a way in to the play offs.  They are such an exciting team to watch and am proud of the grit they are playing with these days.

Happy Monday.  Take care,  Shawn.

If politicians spent more time representing the people and less time spewing rhetoric,  the country would be in much better shape.